Behind the masks

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Whether a Doctor, a Radio Personality, a Sailorman, a Robot, a Penguin, an Extra-Terrestrial, a Cross-Dresser, a Boy who was never supposed to grow up, or a Genie…..the masks we hide behind are only what we present to the world.

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But often times, we are trying so hard, with those masks, to live up to the expectations of others, that we create a jail cell in our own minds. And that is a place that we cannot hide from. There are no masks that can shield us from what we are imprisoned with inside our own heads.

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You can’t escape your thoughts. You can train them, you can push them away, you can wallow in them, you can act on them…there are many ways of dealing with your thoughts, but you can never truly escape them, except for those who escape in the way that the person depicted in the first meme did. But in doing so, you sentence all those who love you to a life time imprisonment of painful thoughts when you leave.

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For me, the only way to deal with my thoughts and feelings is to actually deal with them. I allow myself to feel the emotions fully. I don’t push it away. I know that I do dwell too long in some of the negative vortexes. And I am working on that. In the fairly recent past, I think I was hoping to be granted 3 wishes from a magic Genie to solve my problems. And while I am not claiming to have a full handle on my life just yet, I am slowly formulating plans and putting things in to motion one thing at a time.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/genie/

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Quote Challenge 2.0 Day 1

This is my first nomination for anything and I am ecstatic! Especially because it is in one of my favorite realms. QUOTES! I was nominated by Lizardin

A huge thank you for my first awesomely exciting nomination!

Rules:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  3. Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  4. Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

 

Day 1 quote:

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I truly wish that I would have had the foresight when I was younger to know that it was so much better to embrace my uniqueness. I wish this was a value every child could understand when they are young, but unfortunately, this is a concept that requires experience to fully grasp. But there are so many wasted years trying to be someone children are not out of the desire to fit in. I see my 10 year old struggling with this every day.

I nominate the following bloggers for this challenge today…

Plisca Place

Lizzy’s Poetry

Oh, Border!

 

 

 

Crank it up

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Crank it up. Crank up the truth. Watching a show about those who write music inspired me tonight. I usually am not very creative in the composition arena of the music. I often can have lyrics flow, but they are really more often poetic and not in a form for rock or pop music. This time the lyrics and Melody and background music are all happening at once. It’s quite nice. I have only ever written one other rock/pop song. Right now for this one I only have the first verse (at least part of it) and the first/main chorus. It has been a more constructive way to channel the emotions that invaded my brain over the weekend.

Who I am

Dark meets Light

Two worlds collide

Created I

 

Seen as sin

Lost within

New Beginning

 

Chorus:

Left me in the atmosphere

Left me with this heart of fear

Wishing up upon a star

Always wondered where you are

Ended up in Wonderland

Never knew just who I am

Never knew just I who I am…

 

My song of the day comes because I saw it on an episode of Friends that came on today and it also came on my playlist today as well. The Lion in me has been sleeping for far too long. But that Lion is beginning to awaken! He might be sleeping tonight, but he’s a stirring!

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/crank/

Song and Dance

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When you’re a little girl, you think your parents can do no wrong. And then you grow up, and you see the flaws, and you start to question. But only so much, because you want to believe that deep down there’s a good person there. -Tandy, “Nashville”

I moved past the “only so much” part 3 years ago…

Now I need to get past the constant song and dance and solidify my positions and rewrite the rhythm to my liking.

Still mentally worn out from some mental warfare. Taking some mindless activity time this weekend. Hoping to reset again this week and get back to the good spot I was carving.

My song for the day:

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/song/

Deleting the deplete

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I allow what is written in that meme to happen far too often. Hence, why I have yet to find that inner peace. My energy, psychological and physical are depleted for today. Don’t have it in me to really write tonight. Deleting the deplete for the day with sleep. Tomorrow is another day. Another chance to start anew.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/deplete/

Down to a glimmer

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A friend asked, “Did you see the sun today.” I had told her that I hadn’t looked at it and asked if there was something particularly special about it that day. She didn’t respond.

Today she asked me that same question, about 2 weeks after asking the first time. This time, I catch on there’s more to this question. This is a very deep question. When I asked her if it was meant to be a figurative question her response to me was: Answer how you see fit. If you think it’s figurative, take it that way. If you think it’s literal, answer that way. Don’t over analyze.

My response for today was: I am finally seeing the sun emerging from a 40 year solar eclipse for the first time today…..I forgot to purchase the special solar eclipse glasses for it though because I wasn’t prepared for it, so it hurt my eyes. But lit the way for the remainder of days.

My answer was obviously of a figurative and allegorical nature. She said also that: sometimes there is beauty in the literal as well.

I love this question. Especially as I M emerging from my dark night of the soul. I can also think of different variations I can ask myself or ask one of my other friends who I also have deep, spiritual, psychological conversations with.

Today’s allegory relates to my birthmom and a realization I had been slowly coming to, but that she just unmasked all at once in one swift blow today. I was originally going to put my entire story rant here to words, but after rehashing it all with two of my closest friends today, I am out of energy and psychologically exhausted. I will skim the basics.

I waited 36 years to finally have her in my life. If you would have asked me 36 hours ago if I would have wanted her out of my life, my answer would have been a solid no. But after one little meme that she passive aggressively posted on Facebook only 30 minutes after a text conversation we had, my answer now is that it will depend on how she handles things in upcoming months. It only took one little meme to bring up in me feelings and anger that I never had before. Feelings that most adoptees do have for their birthmoms, and I never had. I thought things were different between us. I thought she was different. But all it took was me telling her, after her baiting me by asking if my depression had anything to do with her and me simply answering her that there were some components of our relationship that I needed to work through with her at some point but that I needed to handle a couple of other things in my life first. She directly told me, ok whatever I needed. But then proceeded to post the following meme on Facebook 30 minutes after our text conversation where I could see it.

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The part that really triggered me??? “it is not my job to take responsibility for others”….reminder who I am talking about here….My birthmom….who gave me up for adoption…..never once was I upset with her for doing so, never once was I angry. One of my biggest beefs with her right now is her issues with me over my relationship with the man (birthdad) that she created me with. But it’s not her job to take responsibility for others? Ummmm, yes, it was her job to take responsibility for me 40 years ago, and she didn’t. She got rid of me, not knowing what would happen to me. I never once looked at it that way, until today when I saw that meme with those words. Simply because she doesn’t want to face me being upset with her over something, so she needs to tell herself I’m not her responsibility. Her light is fading fast in my life. She is down to a glimmer of hope. Oddly enough, when I looked up the dictionary definition of glimmer (I always like to look them up, even when I am more than acquainted with the definition just to see if there is some anecdote to spring from), what should come up as the example in a sentence but the use of it with her name no less. The synchronicities in life sometimes astound me. I had already planned to write this post about this situation and her.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/glimmer/