I was born bald…not hair to be had on my head. But as a young girl, I was blond. Dirty blond, but blond, naturally. As with many natural blond’s, it started to darken as I got older. Growing up in Florida, the haven of Malibu tan sun worshipers and bleach blond goddesses with perfect plastic Barbie doll bodies, I came by one of those features naturally, and by God, I wasn’t going to lose the one thing I had going for me just because I was aging (which was already another thing everyone frowned upon, despite it being an unstoppable part of life). So in high school I first started trying the spray sun in before going outside to the pool and beach. Then the purple shampoo. Then I finally resorted to blond highlights at 18 once my parents allowed me to color my hair.
But then…..then, I began dating my first narcissist. And he loved to insult me in ways that differed from how the Narcissist Father that raised me would belittle me and weaken my sense of self esteem. The Narcissist I dated told me that he and his father both agreed that I was intelligent enough for him. And he made me feel that way day in day out. So when he and I split, as many women do after a break up, I took to changing my hair. And I chose to change the color. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, others might perceive me as more wise and intelligent if I were a redhead.
For years, I donned the red hair, and sometimes would do a red base with blond highlights. Did it help me achieve that perceived notion of mine? Surely didn’t! What a mendacity that was I led myself down. Because I ended up with a Narcissistic Sociopath for 20 years that I married and had a child with. And he furthered my belief that I was less than, not just intelligence wise, but in almost every aspect of my being.
In my second picture above, that was at our child’s first communion. I noticed how obvious and horrifying my dark blond roots looked against the red hair in the sun especially when they were pretty grown in. And along with gaining gray hair quite rapidly in my abusive and traumatic marriage, I finally decided to return to blond. I figured it would blend with the gray better. It was also right around that time that I learned of my birth parents and my origin and my original birth name, part of which included the name Alice in it. Alice is not my legal name. At that time, I had recently watched Tim Burton:s Alice in Wonderland also, which was a fairly recent release at the time. And it all came together as an epiphany. My life was an allegory to Alice in Wonderland and the each character representative of someone who played a large role in my life. So it really made sense for me at that moment to return to being a blond.
it was still a few more years before I was able to Escape Wonderland and the Mad Hatter (Sociopathic Ex Husband). But now that I am well on my way to building a World of my Own, I feel more empowered with every day that goes by. And after just seeing the new Barbie movie the other evening for the first time, I do feel more like the Barbie’s now from THAT paradigm, and of THAT, I am so very proud!
As I still have yet to look back through all of my former posts to gauge what I have and have not shared of my story thus far (though, its highly doubtful anyway that anyone is reading this straight through at any point), today’s entry is spawned by the daily word prompts. I have been recently focused most on moving forward and not necessarily revisiting my ghosts of Wonderland past. I have decided to rekindle utilizing the word prompts as a catalyst in my posts. Sometimes I may already have a topic in mind and can work the words in skillfully, and sometimes, like today, the words may dictate what my writing content will be.
Looking back just to the 5 years ago when I was last writing here, I was on the precipice of the biggest turning point probably of my life. I had finally made up my mind, after a very long and arduous Dark Night of the Soul journey (that would still not reach its pinnacle for another few years) that my final step on my purging path towards healing and turning my life around was to leave my pugnacious and sociopathic addict of a husband. While he hadn’t been in trouble with the law since we had been together, his jailbird like lifestyle was sure to start catching up to him at some point. Having a child together, I was becoming increasingly anxious about subjecting our child to his wayward ways.
I was living a life of fear, and acquiesced my voice to the cage that so many of the Cluster B characters in my Wonderland loved to shove it in, such as the Mad Hatter, Queen and King of Hearts, Caterpillar and even the White Rabbit at times when my opinion differed from hers. It took inordinate amounts of courage for me to plan my escape. I kept silent for 2 years while I carefully plotted and schemed before I finally made my move, which sort of came on a “last straw” lark. But I had been ready and was basically awaiting an impetus.
Before meeting Mad Hatter, Alice was a naive innocent little girl, having experienced very little of the worlds true malice. She was drawn to the Mad Hatter because of the mental warfare her young mind had endured from too early of an age. She was preprogrammed towards the vicious cycle that led her straight in to the swirling maelstrom of Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. But while Hatter assumed Alice was out to lunch the entire time, and still the same credulous child she was when he first met her 20 years prior, she had grown wise before his blinded eyes, giving her the exact advantage she needed to Escape the Wonderland everyone else had created for her and create a World of her Own.
I’m back, two days in a row! Success!!! I’m feeling good about turning over a lot of new leaves in the New Year of 2024! So far, after only 14 days in, I am feeling a newer lease on life as of late, and manifestations seem to be in abundance!
I ended 2023 in a slight slump of depression, nothing like what I used to experience though when I was originally writing here But I made up my mind to resettimg and recalibrating. After escaping my former life, I am grateful to have the tools and ability to pull myself out of minor setback depression spells now.
I will be starting another new student this coming Tuesday, music student that is. I am a private Woodwind Teacher and Performer by career for anyone unfamiliar with my background. My music studio saw some drop off during and after the pandemic, along with my performance opportunities. It had almost come to the point that I had begun to accept that the state of influx had perhaps seen its peak prior to the pandemic and that I might never see a return to that status again. But I am truly beginning to see a resurgence in both within the past year steadily and have been feeling even more encouraged in recent months.
This morning, I opened my favorite type of email. The kind that invites me back to play in the pit orchestra for another musical. Being invited back is the best sort in a sense,in my opinion, because your value for the future, in a career that is heavily reliant on word of mouth, who you know, and whose good graces you are in, are all contingent upon how well you impressed someone at your last appearance. I am excited to now have two musicals on the docket already for the year…Into the Woods in February, and now Big Fish in March.
One thing that I have seemed to learn to work the angle in my favor is how to become a Big Fish in a Little Pond. I always figured out back in my younger years that I thrived better in smaller schools or less competitive musical areas. As a Clarinetist, for a primary instrument, which are a dime a dozen in the professional world, I figured out quickly enough, that my true talents as a musician lie in being multi-instrumemtalist. Someone once tried to tell me back in grad school that I was struggling in my clarinet lessons because I was the “Jack of all trades, master of none”, because I had too may interests and passions and didn’t dedicate enough time.solely to clarinet. That has now become my trademark and what has helped me become a Big Fish in a Little Pond of Woodwind Specialists in my area that is now fairly well known, sought out, reputable and highly regarded for being able to play all the woodwind instruments almost equally well. And I am more than happy with where I currently reside in my musical career. I am well on my way towards amping things up more once my 24/7 single parenting duties have graduated to college in 1.5 years when I will have more open time to commit towards advancing my career even further. For now, I couldn’t be more thrilled with my ability to maintain what I do, along with trying to also balance being a good mom, who is constantly on duty, as well!
Oh, how my life has turned a 180° since I last wrote, which, granted, was quite some time ago! However, when they ask questions such as , ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years?’, a similar timeline, between my last post and today, and life is even better than I think I could have ever impinged it would be 5 years from then!
While I have only looked back upon my last entry here, I do remember some of my other posts and their general content. With this post, it is my intention to hopefully return to writing here again on occasion. I won’t attempt to make any grandiose promises such as returning regularly, that I know now that I cannot keep.
Since my last post, I have managed to “Escape Wonderland” and make a “World of my Own”. I will expand upon these themes in subsequent posts, and if you have, or do go back and read earlier entries, you may pick up on my innuendos. The picture I posted above is of the Sacred Space Oasis room in the new house I moved in to back in October 2021. I have been creating an amazing safe haven for myself and my son there along with a place where I am able to ascend spiritually. What began as a small area atop my piano in my old house, which was representative of my mental and emotional refuge from a life in which I felt utterly stuck, is now expanded to an entire room of freedom and Zen in a home (not just a house) of peace and tranquility, something I had started to think I could never experience. I was attempting to fill myself with hope 5 years ago while writing those posts, but I was in utter despair at the time and years prior had lost all sense of sight for a light at the end of the tunnel. And yet, I am now here! While there are still many things I am working to improve upon, it really is a testament looking back that life can TRULY change if you work at it and hold the vision firmly in your minds eye. But it is imperative to keep resilient and persevere! I am living proof. More soon on the specifics of my incredible journey of the past 5 years!
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I am hoping to get back on the proverbial horse and start posting regularly again. I have slowly been adding good habits back in to my life one at a time. So today marks the impetus of the next chapter towards my spirits salvation.
The last post I made was days before attending the Shinedown concert. Above is a picture from said concert during one of my favorite songs by them. I got to be that close to their extended stage, and they performed that favorite song of mine while on that portion of the stage. The graphics in the back are of stained glass windows, which is a perfect segue to the next portion of this post. But before that transition, I am going to make today’s post a two
Song of the Day post
Amaryllis
By: Shinedown In a while now I will feel better Ill face the weather before me In a while now ill race the irony And buy back each word of my eulogy
All the uninvited tragedies Step outside
Ask yourself now Where would you be without Days like this When you finally collide With the moments you cant forget
So do I remind you of Someone you never met A lonely sillouette And do I remind you of Somewhere you wanna be So far out of reach Oh I wish youd open up for me ‘Cause I wanna know you Amaryllis Bloom
Stay a while now Undress your colors ‘Cause there like no other Ive ever seen I could get used to your company Step inside
Ask yourself now Where would you be without Days like this When you finally collide With the moment you cant resist
So do I remind you of Someone you never met A lonely sillouette And do I remind you of Somewhere you wanna be So far out of reach Oh I wish youd open up for me ‘Cause I wanna know you Amaryllis
In a while now I will feel better I will be better
So do I remind you of Someone you never met A lonely sillouette And do I remind you of Somewhere you wanna be So far out of reach Oh I wish youd open up for me ‘Cause I wanna know you Amaryllis Bloom Amaryllis Bloom Amaryllis
In many of my posts I speak of my Great Depression, or my Dark Night of the Soul that began in 2015. The first thing to begin pulling me out of that and helping me gain some true clarity about my life was my “Tea Time” or my “Spirit Space”. It is truly an enigma to me how much power this ceremonial ritual can hold over me and how much it has shaped my recent path and journey. I’m not sure if I have posted on this before at all, but I know I haven’t probably posted about it in much depth. I began developing my own personalized ritual ceremony back in December of 2017 and it has been continuing to evolve and grow ever since.
I have had my share of set backs with it. I am never able to be consistent with it due to my ridiculous schedule, especially during a school year, so I am not faithful to it daily. But in the past month I have done better than I ever have since it’s inception. It began with a suggestion from my friend to develop one ritual habit, perhaps of a cup of tea to myself at say 10 pm. I had been contemplating going back to my nightly tea and sweets and adding an element of spiritualistic ritual to it at that point. I was desperate to find answers and needed guidance. I vowed to not allow my 40s be like my 30s were, and December 2017 marked my 40th birthday.
My ceremony doesn’t follow any prescribed format, though it is derived from some of the basics of a pagan altar and Wiccan tenets, but I have much of my own flair involved including some Christian based traditions, journaling, work with crystals, journaling, tea, music, candle “magic”, chakra balancing, god and goddess devotions, spirit animal devotions, daily intentions, manifesting, simple spells, cleansing, aromatherapy, sigils, divination with Oracle cards and pendulum, and other personal touches.
I am just now starting to experiment with and learn about crystal grids. I am still quite the novice and have MUCH to learn. The pictures above are the first two I have experimented with. I have a lot of research to do in this area. I am fascinated by this subset and am excited to learn more. It is quite involved and very intricate when learning to do it right and with correctly set intention and meaning. The two I created here are mainly just on intuition and not through much knowledge.
These Oracle cards are readings I got from the other night which are quite accurate when I asked for what we’re the most important things I needed to know right now in my current path and journey. I used two different decks. The top picture is the deck I am most comfortable with where I did a past, present and future reading and the bottom picture is my newest deck that I only pulled one card to help me familiarize myself more with the deck.
This candle is a Yin and Yang candle I got at an Illuminate Crystal Fest. The very first time I lit it, the two crystals moved together within the first half hour and snuffed the wick out and wouldnt allow me to relight it. I began an email thread with the candle maker to see if I could return it and have her send me a new one. During this thread, it was very enlightening for many reasons. That dialogue and the contemplation of what it all meant also caused me to post about it in a group on FB asking others takes on the higher meaning of it. Some of the things I learned from this experience are….The crystals were probably drawn to each other and wanted to be closer together. Even though they are supposed to represent opposite polarities, they are drawn together. Upon reflecting that I needed to treat my polarities as more of an integration rather than a separation, I came to an epiphany regarding how I see it represented in my favorite colors (also representative of my dual identities from my opposite birth parents, also resulting in alot of inner conflict and turmoil). I have said for a long time that my favorite colors are black (my birth dad) and rainbow (my birth mom). This also is very representative of my moods and attitudes. But when I thought of this as an integration, what is black but all of the colors of the rainbow at once rather than as a separation of them. Black encompasses all colors, it is all colors.
Since getting back to my spirit Space more vehemently, it has been unfathomable how much strength I have found inside of myself and how much wisdom I feel intuitively about my path. Even if I am walking it slowly, I feel an inner confidence like never before that I know the path and am walking the path. It just might take me a little while longer to walk it after having 41 years worth of muck to shake off and swampland to trek through. But I am getting there.
Other song of the day:
Return to Innocence
By: Enigma
That’s not the beginning of the end That’s the return to yourself The return to innocence.
Love Devotion Feeling Emotion
Love Devotion Feeling Emotion
Don’t be afraid to be weak Don’t be too proud to be strong Just look into your heart my friend That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence.
If you want, then start to laugh If you must, then start to cry Be yourself don’t hide Just believe in destiny.
Don’t care what people say Just follow your own way Don’t give up and use the chance To return to innocence.
That’s not the beginning of the end That’s the return to yourself The return to innocence.
Don’t care what people say Follow just your own way Follow just your own way Don’t give up, don’t give up To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh If you must then cry Be yourself don’t hide Just believe in destiny.
In 3 days I get to see one of my favorite bands in concert not too far from where I currently live. A little less than three years ago I saw Shinedown in Concert for the first time. I saw them abroad. Well, abroad from where I currently live, yet it was actually the exact town that is listed on both of my birth certificates. You read that right. I’m one of the priveleged citizens to have two birth certificates. One is my real one, but is the one that was hidden from me until 2 years ago, locked away, sealed, until the state I was born in was one of the ethically just states to pass the law to unseal adoptees OBC’s (Original Birth Certificates). And the other, “official” birth certificate that I use to identify myself for the entirety of my life is a legally falsified document. The only type permissible in our country without penalty. I’d be penalized for using my real one. When I finally obtained my real one it had stamped in red all over it “to be used to historical purposes only.” The duplicity of my innocence and my curiosity, eternalized on documents with different names, born on the same day, in the same city with different parents listed, yet somehow both papers are a representation of my brain, my soul, my physical self. But the one thing I am left with with is dichotomous pain. Welcome to the party that reigns inside my head.
My Song of the Day: As I prep to attend my second Shinedown concert this week (which has become one of my top 10 favorite bands of all times within the past 3-4 years), here’s one from their latest album that is apropos to my current state of being these days…
DARKSIDE
By: Shinedown
Can you hear me? Am I speaking clearly?
Are you starstruck or just made of stone?
Do you need a savior? Some bad behavior?
Or you could cash it all in, I suppose
Because you’re in deep, resist and repeat
Face forward and don’t come unhinged
Block out the actors and all these bastards
That took all the fun out of rage and revenge
Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred
So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside
Spare me your sorrow, there’s no tomorrow
That’s an empty promise at best
I tried to play nice, you were baptized in ice
So don’t tell me you’re just depressed
Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred
So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside
Your equilibrium has been spun all around
And everything you know turned upside down
The symptoms are contagious so please be advised
So welcome to the darkside
Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred
So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside
Your equilibrium has been spun all around
And everything you know turned upside down
The symptoms are contagious so please be advised
So welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) Welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) Welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) So welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) So welcome to the darkside
Many think I’m crazy. You play the game to position me as such. But I know better. I’m as sane as they come. Sure, I may miss the mark sometimes which makes my “accusations” sound crazy, but most of the time the craziest part is that I’m spot on, and you know it. And it scares the Bejesus out of you. You think you hide it so well, until I reveal something I have caught you in, or something I know, or suspect. And then you play the game right back to me, making it all seem like one huge scary coincidence.
I don’t put it past you to have a watchful eye in the sky. Or an always listening ear somewhere near. George Orwell I always have given accolades to as a genius long before his time.
Making nice right now. Holding on until the foundation breaks. Until I see my out. Until I feel secure to go it alone. Until everything is in it’s place. Until then, you go ahead and keep sucking up to those who made me not see through you all these years. The reason you changed your tune and flipped a 180°, because you saw green. As soon as you heard we were back in, cha-ching, I’m of value to you, and you want to play again and think that maybe, just maybe you can tow the line and hang on till their end. Heck, it can’t be too much longer now, can it? Surprise, surprise, I’ll be long gone before they will and so will their money, and you won’t be getting any of it just like the original deal was. Takes one to know one, and maybe he did have something right after all. Maybe he did really see you for what you were from the get go. Maybe that was one of the few things I should have listened to him about all those years ago…Cluster B’s are a cluster. I’m sure you’ll slip soon enough to make it unbearable enough where it will be easy and the right time. Until then…Hanging by a watchful moment here with you.
Earning my doctorate degree in acting. Hanging on and playing my role until I can get myself in the position I need to feel comfortable with my exit strategy. I’m sure I’m suspected. I’m sure all of the current road blocks we’re strategically planted. I’m sure it’s all a ruse just to delay my intentions, to make it harder, to make me second guess myself, to keep me roped in. News flash. Nothing will work. It might stall, it may derail temporarily, but when my mind is made up, nothing will shake me from my course. It may take me longer to get there. And that is why it sometimes takes me longer to make my mind up with larger life decisions, because once I do decide, I don’t turn back. I see it all, plain as day. There is no pulling the wool over my eyes any longer. Even if I occasionally falsely accuse, I live no longer in naivete. I call your shots before you make them. I predict your moves before you make them. You read like a faithful old book that I’ve read a thousand times. One day I will step in to my new life. I’m on the path. My eyes see through the veil to the other side. I can see all obstacles in my way, but I can still see the other side. Because my eyes are real.
One day at a time 