Enigmatic Amaryllis

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I am hoping to get back on the proverbial horse and start posting regularly again. I have slowly been adding good habits back in to my life one at a time. So today marks the impetus of the next chapter towards my spirits salvation.

The last post I made was days before attending the Shinedown concert. Above is a picture from said concert during one of my favorite songs by them. I got to be that close to their extended stage, and they performed that favorite song of mine while on that portion of the stage. The graphics in the back are of stained glass windows, which is a perfect segue to the next portion of this post. But before that transition, I am going to make today’s post a two

Song of the Day post

Amaryllis

By: Shinedown
In a while now
I will feel better
Ill face the weather before me
In a while now ill race the irony
And buy back each word of my eulogy

All the uninvited tragedies
Step outside

Ask yourself now
Where would you be without
Days like this
When you finally collide
With the moments you cant forget

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely sillouette
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach
Oh I wish youd open up for me
‘Cause I wanna know you
Amaryllis
Bloom

Stay a while now
Undress your colors
‘Cause there like no other
Ive ever seen
I could get used to your company
Step inside

Ask yourself now
Where would you be without
Days like this
When you finally collide
With the moment you cant resist

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely sillouette
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach
Oh I wish youd open up for me
‘Cause I wanna know you
Amaryllis

In a while now
I will feel better
I will be better

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely sillouette
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach
Oh I wish youd open up for me
‘Cause I wanna know you
Amaryllis
Bloom
Amaryllis
Bloom
Amaryllis

In many of my posts I speak of my Great Depression, or my Dark Night of the Soul that began in 2015. The first thing to begin pulling me out of that and helping me gain some true clarity about my life was my “Tea Time” or my “Spirit Space”. It is truly an enigma to me how much power this ceremonial ritual can hold over me and how much it has shaped my recent path and journey. I’m not sure if I have posted on this before at all, but I know I haven’t probably posted about it in much depth. I began developing my own personalized ritual ceremony back in December of 2017 and it has been continuing to evolve and grow ever since.

I have had my share of set backs with it. I am never able to be consistent with it due to my ridiculous schedule, especially during a school year, so I am not faithful to it daily. But in the past month I have done better than I ever have since it’s inception. It began with a suggestion from my friend to develop one ritual habit, perhaps of a cup of tea to myself at say 10 pm. I had been contemplating going back to my nightly tea and sweets and adding an element of spiritualistic ritual to it at that point. I was desperate to find answers and needed guidance. I vowed to not allow my 40s be like my 30s were, and December 2017 marked my 40th birthday.

My ceremony doesn’t follow any prescribed format, though it is derived from some of the basics of a pagan altar and Wiccan tenets, but I have much of my own flair involved including some Christian based traditions, journaling, work with crystals, journaling, tea, music, candle “magic”, chakra balancing, god and goddess devotions, spirit animal devotions, daily intentions, manifesting, simple spells, cleansing, aromatherapy, sigils, divination with Oracle cards and pendulum, and other personal touches.

I am just now starting to experiment with and learn about crystal grids. I am still quite the novice and have MUCH to learn. The pictures above are the first two I have experimented with. I have a lot of research to do in this area. I am fascinated by this subset and am excited to learn more. It is quite involved and very intricate when learning to do it right and with correctly set intention and meaning. The two I created here are mainly just on intuition and not through much knowledge.

These Oracle cards are readings I got from the other night which are quite accurate when I asked for what we’re the most important things I needed to know right now in my current path and journey. I used two different decks. The top picture is the deck I am most comfortable with where I did a past, present and future reading and the bottom picture is my newest deck that I only pulled one card to help me familiarize myself more with the deck.

This candle is a Yin and Yang candle I got at an Illuminate Crystal Fest. The very first time I lit it, the two crystals moved together within the first half hour and snuffed the wick out and wouldnt allow me to relight it. I began an email thread with the candle maker to see if I could return it and have her send me a new one. During this thread, it was very enlightening for many reasons. That dialogue and the contemplation of what it all meant also caused me to post about it in a group on FB asking others takes on the higher meaning of it. Some of the things I learned from this experience are….The crystals were probably drawn to each other and wanted to be closer together. Even though they are supposed to represent opposite polarities, they are drawn together. Upon reflecting that I needed to treat my polarities as more of an integration rather than a separation, I came to an epiphany regarding how I see it represented in my favorite colors (also representative of my dual identities from my opposite birth parents, also resulting in alot of inner conflict and turmoil). I have said for a long time that my favorite colors are black (my birth dad) and rainbow (my birth mom). This also is very representative of my moods and attitudes. But when I thought of this as an integration, what is black but all of the colors of the rainbow at once rather than as a separation of them. Black encompasses all colors, it is all colors.

Since getting back to my spirit Space more vehemently, it has been unfathomable how much strength I have found inside of myself and how much wisdom I feel intuitively about my path. Even if I am walking it slowly, I feel an inner confidence like never before that I know the path and am walking the path. It just might take me a little while longer to walk it after having 41 years worth of muck to shake off and swampland to trek through. But I am getting there.

Other song of the day:

Return to Innocence

By: Enigma

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion
Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion
Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny.
Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don’t give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.
That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
Don’t care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don’t give up, don’t give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/07/28/your-daily-word-prompt-unfathomable-july-28-2019/

Wolves and Sheep

WolfWarAA

In the same manner that people with Cluster B personality disorders feign emotions, I have had to mimic their manipulative masterminds. It has become a matter of my mental and physical survival in what has become the cold and harsh world of this empath.

I was raised by an adoptive father who has full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder and an adoptive mother who was raised by a mother who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, who then raised me with narcissistic parenting as well. She became the Flying Monkey of my Narcissistic father who treated me as his Emotional Partner because he didn’t have anything in common with my mother. So he smothered me and took over my life. My activities became his activities. Many of my friends saw this as a parent who loved his child and was just involved and were envious if they had parents who were absent from their lives. But my dad took it to a completely different extreme. Every. Single. Activity. I did, he was overly involved in. He was a co-leader of my girl scout troop. He was the Band Parents President of my band. He made a point of getting in close to MY friends, to make sure that my friends even sided with him whenever I was upset about something like teenagers get. I couldn’t even have friends who were on my side. It has a name. Emotional Incest. I was my dad’s surrogate wife.

My dad would do inappropriate things too. He was struggling with his sexual identity at the time (still does). At the time no one knew he was gay yet. We hadn’t caught him yet. But I had my suspicions, I just hadn’t told my mom yet. He found it funny to ooze out his gayness in other ways like sending postcards of naked men or men in bikini’s to other men (friends of his) anonymously and would send them from different states when he’d travel to try and throw them off so they wouldn’t know it was him. He told my friends about his little scheme. One of my friends who was laughing about it and placating him, my dad decided to do that to. He warned him about it, that he was going to do it and said it in a joking manner, but then he did it. A freshman or sophmore boy in high school receiving a postcard addressed to him in the mail of a guy in a bikini….awesome!!!! I am so lucky that friend and his parents had a decent sense of humor. That could have gone really bad.

It would make sense that I while still under the thumb of my dad, that I would be easily wooed by someone who on the outside seemed to vastly different from my dad, yet somehow apparently something deep inside of me knew something felt like home to me.

After meeting my birthdad, I also found out that my husband is much like him as well. In looks, mannerisms, the loner status, the background in how things went with the ex-wives, the rock music and rock musician potential (one having led more of the real lifestyle and one lacking the opportunity to but having the innate ability for it), both who ooze the brooding pessimism, etc….So even without having met this man, there was something encoded within me to have chosen these traits when choosing a mate.

It is said that we keep having situations attracted to us until we resolve them. And obviously this is a prime example for me. It is even more true to have been said for girls marrying their dads and boys marrying their moms, the Oedipus Complex. Apparently, I have fallen right in to that trap.

Yesterday I met with a friend who explores spirituality and psychology and philosophy much in a similar fashion to the way that I do. As we were discussing my present state of mind and how to become unstuck from my sick cycle of a carousel, she spoke of my need to forgive myself. She felt I needed to stop my self loathing and needed to forgive myself. I struggle with this concept because many of my hang ups were created from my childhood, when I was innocent and didn’t do anything to deserve the manipulation that was done to my mind which has become the voice which continues to play in my head on constant repeat. When she asked me to name one of the things that I struggle with that started when I was young and still continues, I named that I never feel smart enough. It turned into quite a visceral reaction (another thing I struggle with that I medicate in order to temper because that is something many people can’t handle about me, and it does become too exhausting for me as well). Feeling smart enough is a hard thing to feel confident about when I still have my dad letting me know (just a week and a half ago) that he doesn’t think so (even though I know he does), and my husband making comments that make me feel dumb from time to time. I have constant reminders when I might not be street smart enough or have an airheaded moment. They are always pointed out to me and I am made fun of for those moments.

Takes1AA

I am starting to come to a conclusion that I am caught in another cluster cycle. One of a different strain this time, however. The headgames have just become what I do with some people in my life. I had to become good at them in order to mentally survive my childhood. Ignorance isn’t bliss in my world. With my intelligence constantly being challenged, I don’t like to feel as if the wool is being pulled over my eyes. I don’t like people thinking they can outsmart me and have control over me. I have tried to take the high road with these people, and when I have they only find some other way in the heat of the moment to take advantage of the fact that I am an empath and I don’t think fast on my feet and fear confrontation. And so I end up “losing” most fights. And so I have ended up playing their games back to them. Subtly letting them know in their own language that I am on to them and everything they try to hide from me and every way they try to get in my head. I let them know I am two steps ahead of them always. I never let on exactly how much I know but I always let them know in some way enough that they know the jig is up, and I watch them do a 180 and change their tactics.

Some people probably wonder if I do all of this manipulating and headgames, then doesn’t that make me a cluster b also? If you ask any of my nornal friends, they would all tell you that I don’t play any of those head games with them. I only do it with those who start them with me for survival purposes. One of these days this wolf will shed her sheep’s clothing and show that she really is the dominant wolf and she won’t be afraid of the vicious wolves any longer. For she has no need to scare with fear and gnarled teeth. She will lead with confidence and boundaries.

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There is a question out there that asks, “Have you ever been so mad that you are calm?” I could also substitute the word mad for hurt. There have been a couple of times in my life that I have gotten to this point. And when I have, I have numbed out. I have flipped my Humanity Switch. The most significant time in my life that I did this I had done it for a span of about 4 years. It was after I got out a a relationship with an abusive ex boyfriend who was probably an NPD, and had just figured out about my dad being gay and confronting him about it. It was during this period of time that I ended up falling prey to my current situation. It seemed so opposite of everything I had known but subconsciously I must have known deep inside it was a return to home base, to the familiar.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/ooze/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/visceral/

My song of the day: Sheep by Pink Floyd

Sick Cycle Carousel

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I feel like my life is in a constant state of emergency. And it is always such mainly due to the choices that everyone else makes that is in my life. And while I do take responsibility for making the choice for who I married which brought some of those people in to my life, and every day that I choose to stay married, I guess is also my choice, but there were choices that I didn’t make at the beginning of my life that shaped who I am. I did not choose to be taken from my birth mother. I did not choose to be put up for adoption. I did not choose the narcissistic parents that raised me. And all of this impacts, every day, how I react to my environment and the people that are in it. And yes, I know that no one chooses who they are born to. At least we don’t make those choices here on Earth. However, people who experience a normal birth with their parents, do not come in to this world with trauma from the second they were born, or even before that, from the moment they were conceived.

I have been traveling down a very independent spiritual path which began mainly once I reached college. There was always something inside of me that knew the religion(s) I was being taught and raised by when I was young weren’t the ones for me. When I made my confirmation at 13, I cried as I walked down the aisle, not because I was happy or moved, but because the priest had told us that confirmation was now our decision as opposed to Baptism which was our parents decision. But I still felt at 13 that it was my parents decision, because I was highly controlled by my parents at 13. There was no way I could tell them at 13 I didn’t want to be confirmed in the Catholic faith and that I didn’t really agree with what I was attesting to. I began researching many of the different religions when I reached college. I wrote all my research down in a large text book sized book with blank pages that I called a Book of Shadows, after the sacred book of Wicca.

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I abandoned the research for a while after I filled the book and just did my own thing spiritually/religiously for a while and just floated about. Recently I began to seek more again in that realm and to read more on the topics again.

PastAA

On my point that I made earlier about the fact that we don’t make our own choices about who we are born to, at least not while we’re here on Earth. I was alluding to my newly gained knowledge regarding the Akashic Records. While I don’t know much about the topic yet, it is something I intend to explore. Many of those that I have been in conversation with about spiritual topics speak of the fact that we/our souls write our own script and contract (in the Akashic Records) before each life time on Earth and that we do choose our own path, no matter how hard that may be to accept, that we may have chosen a hard path for ourselves for a specific reason. This is a hard nut for me to swallow as I have struggled a lot in this lifetime. And it feels as though the way that I have chosen to love my life in terms of my virtues and actions are not in karmic relation to what I am dealt. I am told that karma is built up over multiple lifetimes though. This is also a very difficult nut to swallow. It is hard to continue living a virtuous life in this lifetime when it doesn’t seem as though I will reap any benefit from it in this lifetime. I feel as though I am destined for a constant life of hardships this go around. It is hard to continue to live for the advancement of my soul to raise to a higher level for the next lifetime or dimension or plane when I won’t remember the experience as the person that I am right now. Somehow I know people make good with themselves for the idea of life in Heaven or whatever it is they believe for the afterlife. And maybe it is selfish of me to want to get some sort of reprieve within this lifetime. It is hard for me to look around at those for whom life sometimes seems so easy.

I have always been afraid of death. And I still am, but my soul and earthly psyche is exhausted. I am weary of all of this pain and struggle and horrifying stuff I keep experiencing and witnessing on Earth. I am mentally more and more ready to leave this Earth as each day passes. I am ready at age 40 to step off this Sick Cycle of a Carousel for good. This entire reincarnation journey. I hope I am awakened enough that I am close to the end of my path and ready to ascend the final staircase to Nirvana or Heaven or the highest astral plane, or whatever the final destination may be.

planets

In my newer research studies of religions and spirituality, I have come upon another new term as well. Starseed. A starseed is defined as someone who originates from another planet or star/celestial body but resides here on Earth. This concept is one that is difficult for me to grasp as I was raised by very closed minded parents who are very conventional and poo-poo anything that is esoteric in nature. I feel as though I need to keep my mind open to things that I cannot know to be untrue. Especially when the characteristics of those who are defined as a Starseed fit who I am to a tee. There are very few qualities that do not describe me. Here are the traits of a Starseed.

  • From a young age, you have had an inherent wisdom that usually comes later in life for other people.
  • You’ve been told you’re an old soul and you agree. You feel ancient to the core
  • No matter where you are, you always have a feeling of homesickness. You know what home feels like, even if you can’t express it, and you know that your house is not it. This may even lead to depression in some cases.
  • Even as a child, you have always felt different, as though you are unique and others cannot understand you. You feel divided from the world — as if it is a constant battle of “them” vs. “you.”
  • You often feel morally superior to others, regardless of education or social stature.
  • Your sense of empathy is overwhelming.
  • You feel different from those around you, however, you have a natural inclination to relate to their struggles.
  • Your physical body is an enigma to doctors. It functions differently than everyone else’s and the medical world struggles to understand it. This may manifest itself in ways as small as a lower than average body temperature or inability to withstand heat.
  • You are incredibly intelligent, but bored easily by traditional academics.
  • You have had a paranormal or psychic experience. You may have seen a ghost, heard other’s thoughts, had dreams that became reality, etc.
  • You feel as though you have a purpose or mission to fulfill, but struggle to find what you want to do with your life.
  • You lack the passion or intrigue to truly devote yourself to one area and understand the banality of life.
  • The physical limitations of your body often frustrate you.
  • You feel as though you should be able to do more but are vexed by your restrictions. This is because Starseeds remember far more freedom in their physical form.
  • Your dreams are vivid and exceptional, and waking life never seems to measure up. Often, your dreams will seem other worldly — as though your mind has created a completely separate universe.
  • Others are often wary of you or feel uncomfortable in your presence. People instinctually know that you are different, but struggle to verbalize why. You may even feel isolated within your own family.
  • You have very few friends, but those who are seem to understand you without need of explanation
  • Animals trust you and are naturally drawn to you. You understand them to the point that it feels as though you can communicate. The same is true for babies and small children. They find you fascinating and seem mesmerized in your presence.
  • You are interested in spirituality but see the divine beyond books and religion. You may not be able to put it into words, but you have a deep understanding that spirituality has always been an intrinsic part of you.
  • You are drawn to metaphysics and the science behind other worlds.
  • You can feel who people are without them ever saying a word. You see beyond the external façade and instinctually know when they are lying. You may seem rude in conversations because you know what the other person is going to say before they’ve even started. People think you are disinterested, when in reality you are frustrated by the pace of the conversation.
  • From a young age, you questioned the ways of society and still feel perplexed as to how other’s don’t see its mistakes.
  • Though your dreams are exceptional, you’ve always had trouble sleeping.
  • You have a natural ability to make others feel better – whether through medicine or your words. Strangers will often open up about their problems without even realizing it.
  • People’s first impression of you is often aloof or cold, however, once they get to know you, they consider you to be one of the most loving people that they know.
  • You avoid large crowds and find it hard to handle people in large doses — even friends. To you, people are overwhelming and their emotions and actions seem chaotic.
  • You have an ability to emotionally or spiritually grow much faster than those around you. Your sense of morality keeps you grounded, even when presented with emotions that are difficult for others to handle.

 

The older I get, the more solitary I feel in my plight in life. And yet I feel like all I am made to do these days is to serve others. And this is weighing me down and stifling the greatness that I know of inside of me. There are so many things I want to accomplish in life that have gone on the back burner because I am burdened by dealing with everyone else’s “stuff” in life. It feels like my life’s direction is hardly ever due to my own needs and desires and path. And even though I might not be the bread winner, as always, that is one of the driving forces as to why my own pursuits take a back seat. My role as a woman and mother is another reason that I become the responsible one for everyone else and have to be the self sacrificing one. And the fact that I take responsibility for my actions and deal with my problems instead of trying to escape them furthers my stuckedness. And right now the only vision I have to shift my priorities is to abandon my current life path altogether. And that is much easier said than done. But I have been making real steps towards this instead of just imagining it in my head and talking about it. It feels as though it will be a when rather than an if at this point. I’m scared and I’m sad, but I don’t know how else to fix things anymore for everyone. And I need my 40s to be better than my 30s. I spent 10 years stuck in a holding pattern, and my souls signature is better than this. The world deserves all I have to offer, and there is so much more that I have to put out there that I haven’t been able to with where I’m at and I won’t be able to if life continues this way. Working on finding my power.

Sick Cycle Carousel
By: Lifehouse

If shame had a face I think it
would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I’m tired of this
Well here we go now one more timeI tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this[CHORUS]
So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won’t stop
Till I step down from this for goodI never thought I’d end up here
Never thought I’d be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more timeI tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how long I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried yo beat this

[REPEAT CHORUS]
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick sycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah

[REPEAT CHORUS TWICE]
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel…

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/carousel/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/solitary/

 

Emotional Rollercoaster

PerfectMusicAA

I know I’ve been MIA a bit…with my stepdaughter moving back in after her break up with her boyfriend and subsequent stay in the psych hospital, my life has been turned upside down again. I know this is the time I need to write the most, but I just haven’t even been able to pull myself together enough to do that. This is why I’m just trying to even drop this little note to get back in to it, even if only the first step. At least it serves as a reminder of what I need to do to keep sane through a time I can already feel myself sliding down a slippery slope, very quickly. As things start to settle in, I will make it a priority again to get back to writing here. It is essential for my well being. I haven’t even been able to express myself through my music, because the school year came to a culmination and I hadn’t even been able to get myself together enough to email everyone about scheduling, especially since I teach a decent amount out of my house, and my house has been a holy wreck for a month now due to my crazy end of the year recital stuff and my step daughter moving back in, which entails a whole ton of moving things around within our house to get a room ready for her again and moving a lot in to a storage unit. One big ball of chaos and in flux again. I just don’t know how much more of this life (style) I can handle. I’m tired of my life being shaken up by everyone else. It might be time for me to do some shaking of my own…

Disappear

My song of the day: Disappear by Evanescence…….This song is very personal for me for how I feel about someone in my life that struggles with addiction and my own demons with people and addiction (since it was addiction to prescription drugs that was the catalyst for my adoptive mom to become a background presence in my life but then to turn things around on me and become jealous and angry with me when I became closer to my adoptive NPD father). So continuing to hang around in the hopes that I will finally become more important than the addiction hurts over and over, every single day and I don’t know how long to hold on and keep hoping and believing I will win in the end and finally be number one in someone’s life for once.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disappear/

Awkward is as Awkward does

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Hi. My name is Alice Ariadne, and I’m an Awkward.

I always knew I was awkward. As a kid, I knew I wasn’t like the others. I knew I didn’t fit in. I didn’t quite know the word for it. And there are a plethora of reasons as to why I didn’t fit in, and still don’t, which I am constantly writing about here on my blog. I am a hodgepodge mess. When I was younger, ai tried so desperately to fit in and do what would please others and try to mimic the “cool kids” mannerisms and phrases and hair styles and clothing. Anything and everything just for acceptance. Just to blend in. Even pretending and trying to like things my adoptive parents liked in the hopes that they would approve of and like and love me.

Middle school started it a little. The bounce between the light and the dark.

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By high school, I was starting to listen a little more to my inner self and I was allowing my own personality and style and values begin to formulate and show themselves. And by college…by George I think I’ve got it. That weird blend of what I claim to be my favorite colors: black and rainbow. Dark and Goth and Rainbow Brite all encapsulated within me.

The conflict that seems to present are more than prevalent in my social awkwardness as well. I was never properly socialized or told what is or isn’t proper to say or do. I was left to fend for myself and figure it out on .y own. The hurtful trials and tribulations that come along with that are immeasurable. One would think I would have grown a thick skin from a the hard knocks I endured, but an empath never does that. They are the people who are born with an infinite number of cheeks to be turned and those whose personalities and gentleness and compassion and emotional soul can never be hardened. A blessing and a curse all at once.

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And then I met my birthparents. And then I made complete sense to myself. Awkwardness, style of clothing, the way I personalize everything, the light and dark all in one (one is light, the other is dark)….It’s all there. No wonder I was always such a conflicted human being. Not only were my genetics from conflicting ends of the spectrum, I was raised on another planet from that spectrum altogether, where my spectrum was not respected.

I am now more comfortable with and proud of my uniqueness. I would never want to change that for anyone. Those who can’t accept that about me can shuffle right along. But I do still feel uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own body and with my exterior shell. My likes and dislikes are my souls choices and my egos choices, and I am good with those. But it is my exterior shell that feels rejected the most I think. And so I continue to feel awkward about my exterior shell and everything that goes along with that.

I began making these YouTube videos and I immediately got critical of myself, and how I present myself, and how I look when I talk and how awkward I think that I come across. And so I analyze every little detail about myself. I have always done that with pictures of myself as well. And people would think that’s me being vain. But it’s actually me trying to learn to change myself or shape myself in to something I can learn to love myself as well. So I think making these YouTube videos will also be a great exercise for me in learning to watch my own mannerisms and learning to be comfortable in my own skin, my own voice, my own body, my own lips, my own facial expressions etc…If I learn to love myself one step at a time, maybe, just maybe, I can become whole from the inside out, for the first time in my life.

Today’s YouTube video:

(Alice) Ariadne’s Quotes of Wisdom Video: One Step, Two Step

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/awkward/

 

My song of the day: Me by Paula Cole….One of my absolute favorite songs and a song that I think says so so much about me as a person.

Poor Richard

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As I sat and listened today on my daughter’s field trip to “Ben Franklin” speak about himself to the 5th graders, it triggered a memory in me. He spoke of Poor Richards Almanack that he wrote and how he wrote it under a pseudonym and how it differed from the other almanacs of the time. This reminded me of the research report I had done on him in grade school and how I had become a bit fascinated by him for a while. Particularly the Poor Richards Almanack. This triggered me to remember creating my own version of the Poor Richards Almanack, and it gives me pause to wonder if that was the first thing to infect me with my love of quotes. I didn’t start my collection of quotes in journals till college, but I distinctly remember creating my own Poor Richards Almanack book out of folded paper and writing all sorts of things in it as a kid. These types of memories when they come flooding back always seem to be filled with some sort of insight, if only I can read them accurately.

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But switching topics almost entirely to another “Poor Richard”, my all too familiar Narcissist, I created my latest YouTube video for my new Channel where I delivered deep in to a different quote in each video and give my own perspective through the lens of my own experiences and insight. I thank my Narcissist for his ability to infect me with his poison so that I may purge it out of my system in order to cleanse my soul and be a beacon of light for others as I ascend and learn from my hard knocks. May I be able to convert what I have experienced in to something that can help others through their own journey of thorns.

I hope that you will stop by my YouTube channel, watch my new video on my Quote for today, and please subscribe while you’re there as I hope to continue to grow and expand this channel and my Quote video series.

Alice Ariadne’s Quote YouTube Video

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/infect/