Near and Abroad

Her name is Alice

In 3 days I get to see one of my favorite bands in concert not too far from where I currently live. A little less than three years ago I saw Shinedown in Concert for the first time. I saw them abroad. Well, abroad from where I currently live, yet it was actually the exact town that is listed on both of my birth certificates. You read that right. I’m one of the priveleged citizens to have two birth certificates. One is my real one, but is the one that was hidden from me until 2 years ago, locked away, sealed, until the state I was born in was one of the ethically just states to pass the law to unseal adoptees OBC’s (Original Birth Certificates). And the other, “official” birth certificate that I use to identify myself for the entirety of my life is a legally falsified document. The only type permissible in our country without penalty. I’d be penalized for using my real one. When I finally obtained my real one it had stamped in red all over it “to be used to historical purposes only.” The duplicity of my innocence and my curiosity, eternalized on documents with different names, born on the same day, in the same city with different parents listed, yet somehow both papers are a representation of my brain, my soul, my physical self. But the one thing I am left with with is dichotomous pain. Welcome to the party that reigns inside my head.

23435200_1979849628957431_6702646614138459659_n

 

My Song of the Day: As I prep to attend my second Shinedown concert this week (which has become one of my top 10 favorite bands of all times within the past 3-4 years), here’s one from their latest album that is apropos to my current state of being these days…

 

 

DARKSIDE

By: Shinedown

Can you hear me? Am I speaking clearly?
Are you starstruck or just made of stone?
Do you need a savior? Some bad behavior?
Or you could cash it all in, I suppose

Because you’re in deep, resist and repeat
Face forward and don’t come unhinged
Block out the actors and all these bastards
That took all the fun out of rage and revenge

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Spare me your sorrow, there’s no tomorrow
That’s an empty promise at best
I tried to play nice, you were baptized in ice
So don’t tell me you’re just depressed

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Your equilibrium has been spun all around
And everything you know turned upside down
The symptoms are contagious so please be advised
So welcome to the darkside

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Your equilibrium has been spun all around
And everything you know turned upside down
The symptoms are contagious so please be advised
So welcome to the darkside

(Darkside, darkside) Welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) Welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) So welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) So welcome to the darkside

Advertisements

I’ll be watching you

Quotes_Creator_20190224_214527

Many think I’m crazy. You play the game to position me as such. But I know better. I’m as sane as they come. Sure, I may miss the mark sometimes which makes my “accusations” sound crazy, but most of the time the craziest part is that I’m spot on, and you know it. And it scares the Bejesus out of you. You think you hide it so well, until I reveal something I have caught you in, or something I know, or suspect. And then you play the game right back to me, making it all seem like one huge scary coincidence.

CoincidencesAA

I don’t put it past you to have a watchful eye in the sky. Or an always listening ear somewhere near. George Orwell I always have given accolades to as a genius long before his time.

BigBrother

Making nice right now. Holding on until the foundation breaks. Until I see my out. Until I feel secure to go it alone. Until everything is in it’s place. Until then, you go ahead and keep sucking up to those who made me not see through you all these years. The reason you changed your tune and flipped a 180°, because you saw green. As soon as you heard we were back in, cha-ching, I’m of value to you, and you want to play again and think that maybe, just maybe you can tow the line and hang on till their end. Heck, it can’t be too much longer now, can it? Surprise, surprise, I’ll be long gone before they will and so will their money, and you won’t be getting any of it just like the original deal was. Takes one to know one, and maybe he did have something right after all. Maybe he did really see you for what you were from the get go. Maybe that was one of the few things I should have listened to him about all those years ago…Cluster B’s are a cluster. I’m sure you’ll slip soon enough to make it unbearable enough where it will be easy and the right time. Until then…Hanging by a watchful moment here with you.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/02/24/your-daily-word-prompt-watchful-february-24-2019/

 

Pageant

2014-06-30 22.46.42

Beauty only my eye beholds now.

6 word story. December Reflection

 

 

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/12/09/your-daily-word-prompt-pageant-December-9-2018/

No particular hurry

Gambler

Right now I’m in no hurry to fold. The longer I can sit at the table, the longer I have to set my affairs in order. I know how to read every face that’s made. I can see right through the shades meant to hide his lyin’ eyes. He’s trying to call my bluff, but he should know by now that I never bluff when I play cards. But I’m finally calling his. Right now I’m slowly walking away, but when I am fully ready, I will be running full speed ahead. I have my particular timeline in mind. Some days are much harder than others to keep a poker face. No matter, should I need to go all in, I am prepared if need be. But I hope to draw out the game to suit my benefit a wee bit longer. Until not only will he be all out of aces, but then all will be in my hand.

Song of the day: The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/particular/

A Riff in Time

Screenshot_20181113-082822~01

Jazz has never been my strong suit when it comes to playing music on the instruments I perform on. I have played in jazz bands before, and I can simulate the style with ease, but when it comes to improvising a riff, forget it. My creativity goes to hell in a hand basket.

I am an extremely creative person in many areas of my life, but when it comes to music, the area I have studied the most, an area that one would call creative, is one that I feel stifled in due to my classical training. I am highly glued to the written page.

I recently joined the group pictured above as a permanent sub on Sax to work on my sax chops since it is the instrument that I probably get the least performance opportunities on. It is a jazz orchestra, but it doesn’t require much to any improv, thank the heavens above. But it will at least help me to hone the jazz style once again to help me become even more versatile.

IMG_20181105_17532622820160405_152817

These are pictures of the two musicals I have played that have required the most instruments in one show. The first picture is from the one I just got done playing this past weekend. As of right now, I own 10 different wind instruments. I recently did a photo shoot with all of my instruments. The photographer is still working on tweaking the photos, so I don’t have them yet. Unfortunately, I forgot one of the 10 when we went for the shoot. Which drives me crazy. So I am looking for an excuse now to purchase another auxiliary instrument so I can do a reshoot with her to get it right.

The photographer’s boyfriend mixes different sound clips and makes his own beat samples and has been talking about having me come up with some wind instrument riffs to go along with his beats. This is DEFINITELY an area I have not ventured down yet, but am open to, as long as he is willing to work with my ignorance and noviceness. Hopefully this is something I can get decent at if I keep trying as it would open even more avenues for me. I have been gaining a ton of followers on Twitter that are music producers and business promoters etc. that look for this sort of product. So I feel that I already could potentially have the connections without even trying. I have gotten very lucky on Twitter with visibility and have several verified followers and many people in the music industry following me without me seeking it out. It would be great if this all fell together somehow.

My birth cousin was looking for someone to compose a little diddy for a play she was directing at a high school. There were lyrics written where a landlady was supposed to sing a little song to herself but there was no music to go along with it. I composed a little two verse Melody for the written lyrics for the play. And I have never been much of a composer. So I am proud of myself for giving that a shot.

282917_246326592150251_872885664_n

This picture was from one of my first important performances back in high school. All-State Honors Band. Lately I have been sacrificing my performance career for “the good of my family” because the husband has been working all the time and that makes more money then my sporadic performances. But I am no longer wiing to sacrifice my performance career. It makes me happy. It does make me money. And it could be more steady, but it takes a while for me to get there, and I need to keep building my connections, my auxiliary instrument inventory, my playing skills and my resume in order to make that happen. And I will never get there by constantly turning opportunities down just because I don’t have a built in babysitter at my disposal or because his work has always taken more precedence because it makes more money, even if that money gets squandered away when it’s in his hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/riff/

3 Hour Gun Jumping

SilenceNaiceAA.jpg

He might have saved himself by the bell that rang 3 hours earlier than my proclaimed deadline. Thus, my last post was written a bit prematurely. But it gives me more time to plan and get my proverbial sh!t together which will only put me in a better place anyway in the long run. The only way I want to leave on the emergency plan is if I’m backed in to a corner. Because I will leave on my terms, with my dignity in tact. I am finally standing up for myself, and as shallow as it might sound, I will not let him believe that he is leaving me under any circumstances. I need to do this for my own assertiveness building tool kit. I need him to know that I’m the one calling the shots and that I have the upper hand for the first time in this relationship.

It’s amazing to me that now that I have turned the tables and am basically pulling a him on him, that he doesn’t even know how to handle it. He seems pretty certain that I’m cheating on him. He thinks it’s ok for him to stay out all hours of the night and for the first time I’m not questioning him or wondering or worried about where he is. And now when I stay out with no checking in and things don’t seem to add up in his mind, I get the third degree when I come home. It’s hilarious to me that all the years he gave me reasons to be suspicious and I would act paranoid, he’d act as though not trusting him was an act of crazy making on my part. And here we are on the flip side and who is crazy making now? Him. When I have been 100% innocent in all that I do. Sure, some of the things that I am doing right now do seem out of the ordinary for me because I flipped a switch and some of them might sound a bit off, like the fact that a music groupI started subbing for is called “Hotel Paradise Orchestra”. But I swear, I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried. But this all gives him rise to be on alert that I am cheating and to be amping up the mindgames. And just because I am playing along, doesn’t mean my resolve has weakened.

30714511_383820252028215_1484635797713781437_n

I might be worried about the process of how everything will shake out, but I have never felt stronger and never been more excited or felt more ready to feel free. I can’t wait to get to the other side. They always say that you will keep repeating the same pattern until you learn your lesson and until you finally break the pathology. And this pathology that I have lived for 40 years will finally be broken for good. I can say with complete authority that I will never end up in a situation like this ever again. I can see this a mile away now. I am on to these people. I am strong enough now to stand up for myself. I won’t let anyone bring me down ever again.

28b39a939d58bbfe815db974c7f9a080

I might always be an empath, but I have this neat little switch inside of me. And when I see with complete clarity someone or some situation for what it truly is in its full gory, painful details, I’m completely done and just don’t feel the good stuff anymore. And I don’t feel the hurt anymore. Annoyed, irritated, stung, empty maybe, but no more tears, no more knots in the pit of my stomach, no more love, no more longing, no more desire.

IMG_20181014_230454056IMG_20180921_105611596

I look younger and thinner and more beautiful than I have in years. He thinks I strut around the house looking good and knowing I look good for the first time, probably in our whole relationship, because he always made me feel bad about myself and made me feel not good enough. For the first time, I found the confidence from inside myself and haven’t looked to anyone else for the validation. Probably all the more reason for him to think I’m cheating as well. Oh well, guess he should have appreciated what he had while he had it. Guess he should have made me feel loved and made me feel beautiful. Guess he should have made me feel like I was more important than all the other stuff he puts above me in his life. But he couldn’t, can’t and won’t. Because he’s a sociopath. And that will never change. It can never change. And that has nothing to do with me. I am worthy of so much more.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/strut/

Synchronize

Screenshot_20180822-190149~01

No. Wrong. Maybe that is the amount that understand you from your warped point of view. I probably used to be included in that number. That was when I played IN to your game rather than PLAYING your game. Now, I am actually THE only person who truly understands you. But you’ll never see that. Because I see you better than you see yourself. You’re so deep in to lying to the world that you also lie to yourself. I do have a natural gift for seeing through people’s layers of bullshit and seeing through to the core of what they’re trying to hide. It’s as if I have x-ray psyche vision.

I’ve said it for so many years now. The hypochrisy has been reaching the levels of what I grew up around. You KNEW how much I hated that. And you condemn him for that character traits too and still. And yet. And yet. Here you are doing it too. How do you not see this? How do you not see that the same things you yell at and about your daughters for, you do. How can I sit here and try to create good habits in them when you are setting a bad example ALL over the place?

For all your bravado, and all your talk of defending my honor, I sit here and can only come up with one time that you did so where it was not motivated by some other self serving motive. And that was the time you called and reemed out the clarinet repair man who had my clarinets for over a month and I was at his house trying to catch them at home to pick my clarinets up and they weren’t home. And even then, there still could have been the outside motivation of being worried that you might have to buy me a new set of clarinets. The time you told my mom off to tell my dad off the night of my bridal shower it was because of the things he had also said about you and because at that point you may have thought you had nothing to lose because I had been told I was being cut out of their will if I married you. It hurts like hell that you still haven’t gone next door and had the conversation you swore you would have in defense of me. Even having an AR 15 rifle pointed at me (granted it was by a cop), as I innocently walked my students out one morning thanks to the next door neighbors isn’t enough to motivate you to action over words.

HopeAcceptance

All of the questions, all of the oddities that weren’t adding up, all of the confusion, all of the anger, all of the emptiness….it is all starting to synchronize. I can’t believe I missed it all this time.

To be loved unconditionally. To have someone defend me. To be wanted. Apparently these are all too tall of an order for pretty much all of the biggest key players in my life. When I finally have all of those things in place within myself, look out world, because I will be a completely indestructible force that no one can wreckon with.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/synchronize/

My song of the day: Synchronicity by The Police