Emotional Rollercoaster

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I know I’ve been MIA a bit…with my stepdaughter moving back in after her break up with her boyfriend and subsequent stay in the psych hospital, my life has been turned upside down again. I know this is the time I need to write the most, but I just haven’t even been able to pull myself together enough to do that. This is why I’m just trying to even drop this little note to get back in to it, even if only the first step. At least it serves as a reminder of what I need to do to keep sane through a time I can already feel myself sliding down a slippery slope, very quickly. As things start to settle in, I will make it a priority again to get back to writing here. It is essential for my well being. I haven’t even been able to express myself through my music, because the school year came to a culmination and I hadn’t even been able to get myself together enough to email everyone about scheduling, especially since I teach a decent amount out of my house, and my house has been a holy wreck for a month now due to my crazy end of the year recital stuff and my step daughter moving back in, which entails a whole ton of moving things around within our house to get a room ready for her again and moving a lot in to a storage unit. One big ball of chaos and in flux again. I just don’t know how much more of this life (style) I can handle. I’m tired of my life being shaken up by everyone else. It might be time for me to do some shaking of my own…

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Guilt, Fear and Shame

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There are two emotions that I feel very predominantly in my life: Guilt and Fear. I have felt them for as long as I can remember. Many people throughout my life have instilled those two emotions in me and then perpetuated their continuation. Due to my comfort zone of “sameness”, I have allowed it to continue. I have come to the realization that so much of my guilt and fear (aside from the fear that is actual survival type Darwinian fear), stems from many of the characters throughout my life holding alot of shame about their own actions or about their own identities. Because they were so ashamed of themselves and feared others opinions, they instilled fear and guilt in me in an attempt to silence me. But it is out of their own shame. And so, doing something like what I am doing here, writing for myself, to get things out of my head, to vent, to complete strangers, under an alias, secretively, still causes me stress, guilt and fear. I fear that someone I am writing about will find this and be angry with me for expressing things I am “not allowed” to express otherwise. I feel guilty for not being able to say some of these things directly to these people because our communication is so far gone, and I am partially to blame for that as well, but I am broken. But I am trying. I try every day, all day, to fix myself. That is what I am trying to do here. But it wouldn’t be viewed as that. It would be viewed as me talking about them “behind their backs”. But I do honestly live by the fact that I wouldn’t say anything about someone behind their backs that I wouldn’t be willing to admit that I said about them to their face if confronted. And if I had a better communication line with these people, I would be able to work through these things with them. But somewhere along the line, fear was created in me and caused me to withdraw in to myself which prohibits me from having the ability to confront the things I am feeling directly with them. Or sometimes there are things that they are just not able to grasp because we are in different places of development as souls on this journey in life. I, personally, don’t think that I am doing anything wrong here by writing and expressing how I feel. And if any of the people I write about were doing the same about me, if they said things that I were hurt by, I would have a different reaction then they would. I wouldn’t be mad at them. I would be hurt. I would be hurt that they felt they couldn’t talk to me about how they were feeling. Especially if it was a flaw about me that I needed to work on. If they were being catty, then it just says something about them, and then that is their problem and then yes, I would be mad at them if they were calling me names. That’s a little different. But if they were just writing about their honest feelings and I came across it, I would just be hurt. But I am pretty confident that those I write about would be mad at me and take it out on me in some way thinking I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. And on the one hand, yes I should have the courage to speak to them about it rather than “talking to strangers” about it, the reason I don’t is again fear. Because I have been met with so much anger in the past whenever I do try to bring up things that need to be worked out, that I don’t feel that much gets accomplished, or I don’t feel heard, or I feel invalidated, or I feel we go around in circles, or some other emotion is evoked that scares me or is pointless. But living with the constant thoughts that swirl in my head without being able to express them has truly been killing me for the past several years, and I need some outlet it has been a big contributor to my depression, and I need something, and this is one of my something’s. So I guess I will continue to live with the guilt and fear of being found out because it still beats the depression of living with the pent up thoughts and inner arguments and tail chasing. Because I do know that I am not wrong for doing this. I will deal with the consequences should I ever be found out for doing this. Sometimes fate inserts itself for a reason.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/guilty/

Making an a$$ out of u and me

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So, yesterday’s bully situation exploded in my face today. When doesn’t standing up for myself or my daughter backfires. Learning to love myself entails using my voice, defending what needs defending and not letting people walk all over me (or my daughter) any longer. And of course, just because I didn’t hear any of the specific words that were said by the girl running her mouth, I can’t really defend my position and it becomes hearsay/he said she said. The girl went and “told” on me to the teacher and her mother, who then emailed the school. She claims that someone else said something derogatory about my daughter and that she was defending my daughter. So, I get a call from the principal today to kindly reprimand me for my assumption about what it was that she was saying since I hadn’t actually heard what she said because the mother of the girl also emailed the teacher. So now I’m painted to be the bad guy because I didn’t approach the teacher. But I have approached teachers before, and in fact, my daughter one and only friend, her best friend, had issues with kids in the class and her mom had a conference with the teacher, guidance counselor and principal earlier this year and my daughter became a huge topic of her own conference about her daughter. Because she pointed out to all of them that her daughter is constantly put in the middle and kids tell her she can only hang out with their group at recess if she ditches my daughter. She told them all how mean the kids are to my daughter. Has anything changed this year when teachers and principals are told? No. By the end of this year my daughter is wanting to change schools for next year. I’m tired of leaving it up to everyone else. No one advocates for my daughter. The girl who was talking about my daughter has been known to say and do mean things to my daughter in the past, so I have NO reason in the world to believe that she has a sudden change of heart and is coming to my daughter’s defense. Her mother is also part of the “in crowd” over there at the school because my daughter attends a private school where those who volunteer and give lots of money to the school will always come out on top. And I’m not one of them. So of course I’m the bad parent who is making bad assumptions and scolding kids according to them that should have been handled by a teacher.

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Everytime I speak out throughout my entire life, people try to shut me up and/or tell me I’m wrong. It is so defeating. I am tired of being complacent and feeling like everyone else in this world is right…..except me. Everyone else can get away with the same exact stuff that I say and do and defend, but it’s only ever me that gets told I’m wrong every single time, it’s only me who is constantly shoved down so far to the bottom of the trash pile that I do my own compacting. When I’m told over and over and over and over and over and over and over again that I am wrong, it’s pretty hard to tell myself and believe that I am right. Ever. It’s pretty hard to build self esteem and self love and have confidence enough to defend my honor and the honor of my daughter when everyone constantly tells me that everything I do or the way I do it is fucking wrong. I write here because this is the only place I feel validated. Very few in my real world of people validate me. Somehow, they tell me I’m wrong, or challenge everything I say or play devil’s advocate or tell me it’s not as bad as I make it out to be or compare it to something in their lives that are worse. I’m just done with it all. I’m tired of feeling guilty for speaking up. I’m tired of people telling me where my place is in this world. I decide where my place is in this world. Everyone else needs to stop trying to rule over me and put me in some sort of little box they can contain.

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I’m tired of people being so insistent on holding all the cards and for feeling the need to dominate me and disagree with me and all my ways. I’ve let this type of thing push me back in to my shell every time I get push back. But this time it might just be the fuel to my fire. It might just be the anger drive I need to keep my convictions that I will stand ground and hold the power that they all actually do see and are trying to hold back because they are actually afraid of what could be unleashed if I am not contained. I think everyone who keeps pushing down on me sees me bubbling at the surface and is wholly afraid of real truth rather than their controlled world of “truth” and they know they need to keep me at Bay. So I will not be shaken by this. I refuse to feel guilty because I know how my daughter is treated there. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes time and again. And no one ever defends my child except her best friend. Ever. I had every right to do what I did and I don’t care if it wasn’t within the little container inside which the niceness committee wants to operate. Because their niceness is not going very far in protecting my child from the meanness she experiences, regardless of their claims for not tolerating that behavior. It happens every day right in front of their noses and when my friend brought it up to them in the meeting how mean everyone is to my daughter they all said they had no clue about that….Because no one there cares about her well being nor do they really watch or listen for what truly goes on over there. I’ve been a classroom teacher before and I know you can’t catch everything, but I also know that they are missing far more than they should. And I have every right to say that as a teacher who knows EXACTLY what it’s like.

So they can continue their assumptions about me, and I will continue mine about all of them…

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/assumption/

 

 

Love and debt

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The following words are from a Sociology paper I wrote back in college. While I still believe in my own words that I penned, there is but a slight difference. The view of my parents has been greatly altered. And I am proud that my views are still the same, despite the fact the parents are the type to hold money over my head after all, and that my parents didn’t sacrifice or give of themselves in the way I thought they had.

 

What I owe my parents and friends
To say that I owe something to someone suggests that I am in debt to someone and I am expected and required to repay that person or people. Where the word owe exists, love (namely unconditional love) cannot.
A true act of love, as performed by a friend or family member, is selfless. As a friend and family member myself, when I give of myself, in one way or another, I do not expect to be repaid. The only thing I can hope for of a loved one to whom I gave is appreciation. I hope that as I expect nothing in return that they appreciate what I have done for them and that they did not expect it of me in the first place. When I give of myself, I hope that there is someone or something of this world that can return that favor when I am in need. I shall never expect this of anyone in particular because there are several people with whom I associate in a love relationship, and of those people there are some more needy than others. I tend to give more to my needy associates and less to those who are at a better standing in life. Of those more needy of associates I hope for nothing in return because I give, knowing they are oft not in a position to return that which I did for them. I can only hope from my less needy associates for them to be there for me when I am in need, but this I do not expect, only hope.
In the case of my parents, I believe that my parents gave of themselves out of love for me, and where love exists, the word owe cannot. Therefore I owe my parents nothing. However, if my parents, or friends for that matter, are in need of something which I can give, I would expect it of myself to give to them because they have done the same for me, or would have if the situation were reversed. My parents have sacrificed much for me, and I believe that all they want, note not expect, is for me to appreciate what they have done for me, and for me to use those gifts of theirs to the best of my ability. I believe that my parents only want to see me succeed in life, and I believe that is what I can return to them. They sacrifice monetarily so that I can have a good education so that I can do well in life, not so that they can hold it over my head someday, although some people and parents do this. As my father always says, he might as well spend it now on me because it will only be less I get in the long run, because when they die I will inherit it all anyway. I believe that I should do the best I can in school, not only for myself because it is my life that will benefit or suffer, but also for my parents because they have sacrificed in order to give me a good education to help me succeed in life. I know that as a future parent this is what I desire from my children. I hope that I will bring them up in the right way so that they may sacrifice of themselves when I am in need as their parent, but this I cannot expect, once again, I can only hope.
When I do a favor for someone, or give of myself all I hope for is to be appreciated and for the favor to be returned if I am ever in need. I do not even expect the particular person I gave to necessarily to return that favor, but just that someone would be there for me when I am in need. I feel I owe nothing to anyone, but yet I am indebted to some and I intend to repay whether it be with appreciation or a shoulder to cry upon, and I can only hope that others view this in the same light as I.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/slight/

 

 

 

 

Tackled number two today

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On my road to recovery out of my depression, I know that one key factor to becoming who I want to be is to find and use my voice again, but this time in a more confident and more effective manner. I have situations on my mental list that need boundaries drawn or hard conversations to be had. There is an order in which I need to handle them for several reasons. Today I tackled number two on my list. Number three sort of derailed number two from taking place sooner because number 3 inserted herself out of order by directly asking me a question and I answered honestly (also part of my healing process-to not tell White lies just to be a peace maker or to avoid difficult situations). I did tell her I needed time, but she posted a meme on Facebook that dredged up alot of wounds and hurt that caused a bit of a backslide that I wasn’t prepared for. But today was the day I was finally ready to hit that send button on the email to my adoptive dad.

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My adoptive dad is the biggest Narcissist there is. My email did exactly what this meme says, it unveiled the way he tries to control me. I let him know straight up that I am on to his game and that I see through every little antic and spelled out that antic for him so that he knows full well that he can’t pull the wool over my eyes like he thinks he can. He may be able to fool every other person on this planet, but not me. He’s got Moxy, that’s for sure. For once, my email was succinct. As you all know here by now, brevity is not usually in my wheelhouse. But I just laid it all out and told him what my new boundaries were, where he was out of line, and how I see through his game.

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If I know my dad like I think I do, his current tactic has been to freeze me out for a little bit by text, having my mother text me instead when it’s something he would normally text me about, to let me know he’s pissed at me. He started putting money in my bank account earlier this year when they learned my husband took a second full time job. Normally I have been making a point of not taking any financial help from them other than some other things we had agreed upon long ago like my daughter’s school tuition etc….because he holds it over my head. And so, one of his tactics may be to not put it in this month. That will be coming up in the next couple of days. The only reason I agreed to it this time was because he had to go bragging about the inheritance he got from his dead boyfriend (while he’s still married to my mom)….so if he’s going to continue to throw things in my face, then I’m going to take him up on that offer when he can afford it and we are struggling and working very hard to make ends meet. He used to confront me and yell at me and then hang up on me 5 minutes in to the conversation when I said something he didn’t like and had no logical response to, but he had to change that tactic as I got way smarter than him and started seeing through him more and more and started calling him out first on things. So I don’t think he will say a word to me. I think he will act like everything is fine the next time I see him, put on his best two face mask as always and play pretend. And then I will just wait in the wings as always and observe his actions for his next wacko bizzaro scheme to hit me out of the blue, something I could just never even prepare for because he just comes up with the weirdest stuff to blindside me with. Always eggshells.

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And because I expect him to vent to my mother, because he always has to have someone to complain to, I sent her a copy of the email afterwards as a forward. So that she knew what was going on and could see it first hand. Because he’s been known to twist my words to her or leave things out. And this would be exactly one of those situations. Because if he told her verbatim what my email was about, it would make him look horrible. I can’t even imagine him telling her about my email and how that conversation would go and how I thought he crossed a line in sending my best friend a box of his dead boyfriend’s clothing for her husband. And how I’ve dealt with how he and my mother chose to live their lives, but even after his boyfriend is dead, this should be a moot point but he still finds some way for it to permeate everything and now involved my best friend in it. And so I now refuse to have his dead boyfriend’s name spoken in my presence or the presence of anyone related to me. I’d really love to know how he would bring that email up to my mother without making himself look bad in the process, even though my mother knew about the box of clothing and everything. For him to say it still makes him sound stupid. So I know he’d change some facts. So I am two steps ahead of him on that one by sending her the email personally. Even though I’m sure I can still count on her to take his side anyway. She always has and probably always will…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/observe/

Boys Don’t Cry

My song of the day:

Boys Don’t Cry”
By: Plumb

You sit there on the couch
Sipping your scotch and ice
You turn the TV on
And tune me out again

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me
You could ask anything
I wouldn’t lie
But you’re okay with this
Damaging awkwardness
So I’ll just play it safe
And keep it inside
‘Cause boys don’t cry

I used to hold your hand
So tight there was no question
But now even when you’re near
I’ve never felt so alone

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me
You could ask anything

I wouldn’t lie
But you’re okay with this
Damaging awkwardness
So I’ll just play it safe
And keep it inside
‘Cause boys don’t cry

If you just stand beside me
I’ll keep you in my life
Tell me how much you love me
And I’ll be just fine
Don’t be afraid of me

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me
You could ask anything
I wouldn’t lie
But you’re okay with this
Damaging awkwardness
So I’ll just play it safe
And keep it inside
‘Cause boys don’t cry