Secrets and Lies Part I

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Day one on Planet Earth. Happy Birth Day. A day to be legally falsified, shrouded in lies and secrets. The record I produce for my entire life will bear this tale. My own genetic history kept a mystery. Something I was not entitled to thanks to the mistakes, insecurities and decisions of everyone but me. It took me thirty six guilt laden years before I permitted myself to feel deserving enough and to put my needs before those who were supposed to put mine first.

 

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Renewal

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At the culmination of each year, everyone starts to think about what their New Year’s Resolutions will be. Ringing in a New Year is often seen as a sign of renewal or rebirth for a good majority of the world. I get the added bonus, or catharsis depending on your vantage point, of my birthday falling on December 21st, a few days shy of the New Year Renewal Ritual.

My birthday has always brought with it a lot of bittersweet emotions. I have always attributed this to the fact that I am adopted, and many other adoptees attest to the fact that they too struggle with their birthday each year. It is a reminder of the life I could have had, a reminder of the fact that I was surrendered or given up because I was a burden to those I was born to, a reminder of the loss of birthrights that every other class of humans that walk this earth are entitled to, a reminder that the parents I grew up with are not the parents that gave birth to me and are not my genetic link to my ancestors or geneology. And I believe my adoptive parents have always subconsciously felt this reminder at my birthday because throughout the years, they have successfully ruined many birthdays for me; from yelling at me because I was sick, to grounding or yelling at me because I was a half hour late coming home from my 21st birthday celebration, to flat out forgetting to call me one year. Yet these are the same people who call me by 3 pm to remind me to call the other parent on their birthday if I hadn’t called yet because they thought I had forgotten.

Heading in to the New Year is always a compounded vortex of sensitivities for me. Facing the open wounds of my recent birthday woes and trying to set new goals for the upcoming year ahead all within a short period of time.

My husband recently made the comment that in years past he always goes in to each year with a positive outlook, hoping and thinking that the new year will be better than the last, planning for it to be with all the goals to set in motion to make it so. This seems like the way that most people step in to the New Year. And it is always joked about that most people fall off their own bandwagon shortly thereafter. My husband said he might do things different this year and go in to this coming year with the expectation that things will be the same, or even get worse and it will just be a surprise bonus if things turn out good for once. His words lingered in my mind.

I think he is on to something. At least for the way things work in our world, this might be the best way for us to approach our life. It may seem pessimistic and negative to the rest of the free world. This may be why we have become hermits and loners in our old age. We don’t associate well with everyone else and others can’t seem to handle our way of dealing with life.

As with my last quote that I posted, hope devalues acceptance. The more I seem to have hope that things will get better, the more expectations I have of how things are supposed to be, or that some day things will get better. And with each passing day when things don’t get better, during those moments when things take the opposite turn and get worse when I thought I was already pretty low on the totem pole (yes, I realize there are always people out there who have it worse than me), I fall deeper in to depression and feel hopeless, wanting to resist my life and run away from everything-starting over from scratch where no one knows me. This blog is sort of a testament to that, because no one who knows me has access to or knows about this blog. It is my little secret from those who know me in real life.

My “hope” (love the irony there) is that if I face the New Year setting out to accept my life and accept where I am in it and who I have become and am becoming/shifting to become, then I might find some renewal and clarity, this helping me to move forward, rather than staying stuck in this holding pattern of utter depression where I have no real game plan for how to truly get my life in order so that I can move in the direction of up.

via Daily Prompt: Renewal

Eggshells

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I am that person who is non-confrontational. Sure, I let off steam and vent alot. But when it comes to actual communication and confronting the issues and situations that need to be addressed with people, I cower like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz.

This stems from constantly being put down as a child and always being made to feel like I was wrong. My parents never admitted they were wrong and never apologized to me. EVER! They still haven’t. And I am going to be 39 in 1 day and they are 73. The best apology I ever get from them is,”I’m sorry you feel that way.” Never an admission of guilt. So I have always bourn the burden of feeling as though I am the loser in every argument. This carried in to my adulthood and has become a complex.

Due to my insecurities and conversely competitive nature, I started avoiding arguments and tough conversations at all costs the older I get. When I was younger I would avoid them with my parents so I wouldn’t get in trouble. As an adult, I avoid them so that my PTSD isn’t triggered and so that I don’t constantly feel inferior, as though I am always in a losing battle. I am a very sensitive person, so whenever my intense emotions are triggered by conflict, my gut instinct and reaction is to cry. This automatically is seen as a sign of weakness which has probably marketed me to friends and partners as easy prey. Add to that my own inner desire to avoid the conflict in the first place, need to people please, constant apologetic attitude, and desire to always work on my self, I am a recipe for disaster.

And so, I suck down all my feelings whenever I am at war with myself over something that is eating away at me over a controversial issue within any given relationship. I fester, and then often explode with emotions at the most inopportune moments. I am often made to feel as if I am in charge of everyone’s feelings. And if I confront someone during one of their 356 bad days out of the year, then I am this horrific person who can’t even hold out when I knew they were having a rough time. Yet NO ONE grants me this. Nor do I ever ask them to tip toe around me or walk on eggshells. I am so tired of feeling like I have to bottle up everything and keep my mouth shut and stay a prisoner in my own head just to maintain everyone else’s sanity. I am on the brink of insanity myself and no one seems to give a damn. All I hear are constant comparisons about how I don’t know what their life is like, I’ll never understand, their situations are so much worse then mine. I’m sick of no one recognizing the pain I am in and the turmoil I have gone through in my life. And the continued stifling of myself and sacrificing of myself that I do for everyone else’s sake. I am tired of everyone only ever seeing their own perspective and never slowing down for a second to consider someone else’s. Because I feel like, although I may not always be successful at this, I try very hard, and no one else even gives it a second thought. They just go on being themselves and not caring what the world thinks. There is self confidence, and there are character flaws that need to be changed when you are clearly pushing people away and angering and torturing everyone close to you. People need to get their heads out of their beehinds and look at themselves in a third person perspective for once. Because if something doesn’t change soon, I will be changing more drastically then I ever have before in my life. I already have been making some slow drastic changes. And if people around me don’t wake up and start seeing into my soul….That will be the last they will be seeing of me. The ants go marching one by one hurrah…..

Moody Blues

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I can be one of the moodiest people out there. I am medicated for anxiety, that is what flips my switch and causes my moody outbursts. My hyper worry mode spins my brain into hyper drive and spawns many different reactions depending on the situation. But as soon as I realize that I have had an improper reaction to something and caused someone any form of heartache, I immediately apologize and try to change in the future. I am always working on evolving and bettering myself.

I personally like moody people because they usually have more spunk to them and are more lively with more zest for life. Where the problems come in for me is that there is a fine line with moodiness. Just as there is a fine line between genius and insanity. There are people who have mood swings that they take out on others with no remorse where every little thing that others do or say bothers them, and they see everything as the problem of everyone else and never see themselves as the problem. Or they know they have a problem and don’t care and still pick out every little perceived flaw of everyone else they encounter and run with it. These people pick puppets to do their bidding and tether them around on strings, hiding them away from all others that they used to associate with. These exceptionally moody people can be very charismatic and appealing, especially to those who are needy. And then they are sucked in like a cult. These people alienate their puppets and grow even stronger in their moody ways because they are convinced that they are safe because they have someone who will put up with their moodiness without them having to even be apologetic and remorseful. They have their cake and can eat it too.

We are two separate breeds of moody, and this breed of moody clashes very adamantly with the non-remorseful, cult like brand.

I feel it to heal it. They blame to shame.

via Daily Prompt: Moody

Humanity Switch

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Knurd (drunk spelled backwards) is “the opposite of being drunk. It’s as sober as you can ever be. It strips away all the illusion, all the comforting pink fog in which people normally spend their lives, and lets them see and think clearly for the first time ever. Then, after they’ve screamed a bit, they make sure they never get knurd again” – Terry Pratchett

The problem with me is that, I have never spent my life in that pink fog. The only pink fog I have lived through are the rose colored glasses that I once saw the world through due to living in what I thought was a sheltered bubble. My parents sheltered me from the real world, while exposing me to so much other inner torture that many others don’t have to experience. And I live with that inner torture without the pink fog….totally “knurd”. I have never turned to drugs, nicotine or alcohol. I have lived my tortured life completely sober. The worst vice I have is food/sweets. A little bit of a spending/shopping issue. But nothing outlandish. The pain is becoming far too much to bear. I wish I could shut down, shut it off like a humanity Switch. I am an extremely sensitive person and I get hurt every step of the way. One would think I would be immune to hurt by now, but I’m not. I have begun to shut out the world. The less human relationships I have, the less I have to deal with. I wish I could live on a deserted island. Being a sensitive, feeling human being sucks. No one understands me. I have drifted further and further away from understanding and wanting to be a part of the human connection. It’s just not worth it anymore. The hurt outweighs the good for me. I wish I could find my way back, but I fear I have seen too much…

 

 

Percolate

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There are two major concepts I have been percolating on for quite a while. Both of them I have had recent close encounters with once again to bring them to the forefront of my mind. They are a bit unrelated, yet at the same time somewhat fall under a similar omnipotent category.

The first relates directly to the meme. This concept is one that has been a very popular mantra that many of the more positive and goal oriented, success driven people seem to live by. I have heard variations of this quote repeated ad museum in the past few years. In many ways, this has applied to my life and I can understand it’s poignancy. But when it comes to matters of finances, I just don’t know what else I can change and what other lessons I need to learn before I can finally have the world or a Higher Power, whichever way you choose to think about it, give me a break and not keep beating me over the head. So many people get away with so many things in this world that are things that come back and haunt me at the most inopportune moments, read:just when I think I might be starting to get a handle on things I get kicked in teeth and blindsided by some other transgression from my past. I have made so many changes recently to how I handle finances and somehow I feel like I cant breathe even more today than ever. I have admitted and recognize how I sabotage myself financially and in my decisions relating to finances because of my relationship to money which is directly related to how I view my Dad’s greedy heart and my desire to never turn in to that. I have been pulling away from the financial grips off my parents so that they can no longer control me psychologically. Even though that directly affects me from the financial standpoint negatively because it means I can’t turn to them to bail me out of tough situations, I would think that one of my lessons would be that I needed to take responsibility for myself and that I would be “rewarded” for my efforts to turn my life around and not be dependant on them to bail me out. I have made a point of sending out invoices consistently when my students miss a payment, something that I would think would be a lesson I’m supposed to learn, to not let everyone walk all over my kindness by letting payments go week after week to the point that I’m sure many have been missed over time due to my poor record keeping. And how am I rewarded for my diligence this year? By more students forgetting payment than ever before, forcing me to have to send more invoices (which makes me uncomfortable to begin with) and also delays me getting paid regularly and keeps me scraping worse than ever to come up with money to pay my bills. I have finally been rewarded by getting the job that I thought I sabotaged myself over (that I posted about at the beginning of my blog site) so I will start to get a better supplemental income in that can hopefully start to turn some things around. But I am so tired of feeling like the universe is working against me all the time. Just today, the 2 students I was supposed to get money from during the daytime teaching, one forgot the check (she is usually pretty good about it and will probably leave it for me tomorrow at least) and the other one had an assembly at school I didn’t know about and I couldn’t teach her lesson, so I don’t get paid for that one unexpectedly. There has been more of that sort of thing taking place lately as well. Students cancelling or assemblies that cause me not to be able to teach. I have stopped buying random things on eBay that I used to do, I have cut back significantly on my eating all the way around (from the fast food, to eating the $1 packets of knorr pasta sides for dinners to cutting back on goodies/deserts etc…), I stopped myself from my horrendous 6month addiction to Yahtzee with friends that put us in the hole financially and did that cold turkey back in May, I have cut back on the things I spend on for my daughter as extra things she doesn’t need and tell her no more often (something she needs to hear anyway)….I never go out, I haven’t cut my hair in a year and a half, I mean, seriously. What the hell more can I do???? Why do I have to keep getting slapped in the face? All I feel like I do is pay my damn bills and have an anxiety attack for 10 more days wondering if I will overdraft before my husband’s next big paycheck comes in, whether my day to day income will carry us through the other weekly/daily expenses. I wonder if there ever is a light at the end of the tunnel or whether it’s only a mirage, a reflection of someone else’s bright shining star. I’m so exhausted. What else is there for me to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’ve sacrificed everything I can and I got another job to bring in more income. I’m so sick of life continuing to kick me while I’m down and never allowing me to work my way back up. I feel hopeless. The world doesn’t want me to succeed or find financial peace.

The next concept on which I percolate is the conspiracy theory that there is no privacy in this world. That big brother is always watching. That somehow I am the main character in a reality show like the movie “Truman Show”. I have always believed that I have psychic abilities and that I can intuitively send and receive messages to people as an empath. I have proven my abilities time and again. But some of the occurrences that have happened in 2016 alone are just too uncanny to be mere coincidence. One of them felt as though I was being spied on through my phone somehow. I was talking with a student in my small studio at the school I teach at. I talked about the song “I love you, a bushel and a peck.” I had never typed those words in to any computer or electronic device ever from anywhere. I don’t keep the location turned on in my phone. My phone was inside my purse so it couldn’t have randomly turned on the video camera or microphone I wouldn’t think. Yet later that same exact day, I received Etsy notifications (even though I had all notifications from the Etsy app set to be blocked) that showed suggestions for about 20 different products that all contained the phrase “I love you a bushel and a peck”. I usually take synchronicities in life to mean that I am in the right place in my life and where I need to be, but that was just too weird and felt like I was being spied on. Then, the last post I tried to write on here was when the word of the day was “relish”. It was about literal relish, a red pepper relish that my dad bought in the past for me because we can’t find it anywhere near us. We haven’t had it in a few years now since we finished the only batch he gave us. Somehow, even though I typed the whole thing, it never ended up posting. My Dad and I (ya know, the one I’ve ranted about who is Narcissistic, who I don’t have a very keen relationship with and with whom I certainly don’t have a psychic connection of any sort) were talking the other day and he told me he was having a box shipped to my house that’s a Christmas present that we can open on Christmas. Well, it came the other day. It says it right on the label, “The Red Relish Company”. My blog post never even posted, so it’s not like he ever even read it (not that he could have anyway, because I’ve kept this blog a secret from everyone I personally know anyway). Again, how highly random. It’s far too uncanny to just be a plain ole coincidence. I swear my life is being aired on a television set that the whole world title watching. It would make a lot of elements of my life make more sense to me. Something more to percolate on.

 

via Daily Prompt: Percolate