Emotional Rollercoaster


I know I’ve been MIA a bit…with my stepdaughter moving back in after her break up with her boyfriend and subsequent stay in the psych hospital, my life has been turned upside down again. I know this is the time I need to write the most, but I just haven’t even been able to pull myself together enough to do that. This is why I’m just trying to even drop this little note to get back in to it, even if only the first step. At least it serves as a reminder of what I need to do to keep sane through a time I can already feel myself sliding down a slippery slope, very quickly. As things start to settle in, I will make it a priority again to get back to writing here. It is essential for my well being. I haven’t even been able to express myself through my music, because the school year came to a culmination and I hadn’t even been able to get myself together enough to email everyone about scheduling, especially since I teach a decent amount out of my house, and my house has been a holy wreck for a month now due to my crazy end of the year recital stuff and my step daughter moving back in, which entails a whole ton of moving things around within our house to get a room ready for her again and moving a lot in to a storage unit. One big ball of chaos and in flux again. I just don’t know how much more of this life (style) I can handle. I’m tired of my life being shaken up by everyone else. It might be time for me to do some shaking of my own…


Rapid decline


I usually don’t get much chance to write until later at night (often past the midnight deadline) due to my schedule and then the need for quiet time to write when everyone else is asleep. I often burn the candle at both ends too many days in a row and it catches up. Tonight my ability to stay awake long enough to write something thoughtful is in rapid decline. And so I will leave the more thought provoking and emotionally charged writing for tomorrow. Goodnight wordpressland.


My song of the day: Sleep by Plumb

An Angel sized Tantrum


This is just one picture of one of the most beautiful playgrounds I have ever seen. And it is only minutes from our house. And it hokds extra special meaning to our family and our school family. It is called Angel Park. They began the major planning for this playground when my daughter was in kindergarten. Her class got to be one of two classes that got to draw ideas for their dream playground and actually have input in the elements of this playground. And the reason for this is because the entire concept behind this playground came from a family that attends the church and school where my daughter goes. There was a family that lost their son at 15 months old to Leukemia. Their son would have been about 21 years old now. It took quite some time from conception till the park was finally ready. They built this from almost, if not all, donated funds and labor. They took many things in to special consideration including elements for autistic, handicap and children with cochlear implants. It is the most beautiful, colossal and all inclusive playground I have ever come across in my 40 years on this Earth. We bought a fence picket while it was being built so our last name will always be a part of the park as well. I feel blessed to have seen this playground being built from the beginning and to have had a small part in it. I wish I would have been able to contribute more.


Each time we come here though, I am always leary of what awaits me. The first two times we came, my daughter, who is 10 and has Asperger’s Autism, hurt herself, significantly enough to ruin her time here and cause us to have to leave. The first time even required a trip to the walk in clinic because she sprained her finger, they even thought it could have been fractured and had to call me back on the Monday morning when a radiologist could read it.


Other times she’s had a great time, met other kids here that she didn’t know and made friends with them, which is always refreshing with her autism, because I never know how she will interact with other kids since she has such a hard time socially at school. I’ve taken a friend of hers and her cousin to go with her before. But today wasn’t one of the good days.


She got there claiming she wanted to try going down the fire pole, something she hadn’t been able to bring herself to do yet due to her fear of heights. She got up there and still couldn’t. After that she immediately tried the monkey bars and everything else that require upper body strength which she knows she can’t do and then stood there and berated herself, throwing an angel sized tantrum. Sometimes I swear she enjoys wallowing in self pity more than she enjoys being happy. Because even when I complimented her later when she came over and told me that she figured out how to mount the zip line on her own and I told her that was great and good for her, she followed that by, it’s really not anything that big….so even when I try to be encouraging and complimentary, she won’t follow my positive lead. It is beyond frustrating and I just don’t know how to help her when she refuses to help herself.


I try to take her the places she asks me to take her, I play the games she asks me to play with her, and somehow, things end up negative, because she always ends up putting a negative twist on everything. It is so disheartening. I try so hard and still feel like I am failing her. It is hard enough trying to fix my own mind from those who DID fail me and still are failing me, and some days it takes everything I have to step outside of myself to be there for her, and I am trying to give her a positive childhood experience, where I didn’t have one because mine purposely went out of their way to cause me pain, and even though I might not always be as engaging as I could or should be, and I might not always be the most playful or over involved parent, I do go out of my way to be there for her and to make things NOT negative for her, but she lives to do that herself and I feel guilty for all of this. I just don’t know what else to do for her. I have done all the research, we’ve tried many different things medication combinations, we’ve tried different therapies, I’ve tried many different home methods, I’m constantly amending my parenting methods to try what the experts say is best for kids with Asperger’s. I still feel lost and hate that she never seems happy. The climate in our house is always one of depression. I am trying so hard to break out of my 3 year depression and it makes it very hard when I am constantly surrounded by the door and gloom attitudes and the gray rain cloud that hangs over this house. I just don’t know what else to do to help everyone here. I’m trying to work on me and hoping they will follow suit. But so far, not seeing that happen. I refuse to be swallowed back down though. Somehow, people will have to catch up to where I am in life or they will get left behind in one way or another. I just don’t know what else to do. I can’t stay stuck anymore…..the tears of this angel that are being held back today are for those that I am afraid are not ready still to fly with me.


Rivulet of my Consciousness



Today I spent the majority of my day finishing up a book for my book club meeting for tomorrow. I haven’t been very good about completing them lately and I wanted to finish this one and I wanted to change this aspect of my life. I just finished the book. The book was a very triggering one for me as it dealt with topics of adoption. I don’t have much capacity today for thoughtful writing due to this. But there have been many thoughts traveling the rivulet of my consciousness throughout the day, ones dealing with my emotions from the book, ones stemming from other areas I am working through from my depression and other daily life encounters. I am going to simply post memes and quotes that outline my thought processes of today.
























I forgive me


I pulled an Oracle card today, one of many, but this one in particular just hit me with a message that resonated inside my soul as one of the main things that is keeping me stuck. The longer and more elaborate description reads as follows:

This card indicates that your prayer will be answered as you release yourself from the inability to offer forgiveness. While you may feel justified in your anger, the truth is that your resentment is only hurting you-the rage you’re carrying is blocking your deepest desires. Go outside and ask the fairies and spirit of nature to clear your mind, body and emotions of lower energies. You’ll benefit enormously by making the decision to detoxify yourself of old anger and resentment.

Additional meanings for this card: forgive yourself and be cleared of toxic guilt, reduce judgmental thoughts about yourself or others, send an apologetic note to someone, stop identifying yourself as a victim and see yourself as powerful, focus on the present instead of the past

It’s the additional meanings for the card that are the most powerful for me. Particularly the part about forgiving myself. There have been a lot of people in my life that I am working on Souliberating from (click on the link to see my blog post about this term), but I do really need to forgive myself. I deserve my own forgiveness. Forgiveness for not being able to love myself enough to let go of the guilt that has been wearing me down for far too long. Forgiveness for allowing others to trample all over my self worth. Forgiveness for not respecting myself enough that I allowed others to silence my voice, I showed them how to treat me because I allowed them to. Forgiveness for not asking for what I need, for putting everyone else before myself.


A quote I heard last night on a show was:

“The first lesson of becoming a woman is learning to tell the man in your life what your needs are.” –Cash Gray, “Nashville”

I guess I still haven’t become a woman at 40 years old because I still haven’t learned to ask or tell anyone in my life what my needs are. Once in a great while I might express a little something, but I never express anything elaborate as to the real thoughts that go on inside my brain. I continue to swirl around in the swimming pool of wondering when anyone will think of my needs, all while feeling guilty for not meeting every single one of their needs and always trying to people please when I get something wrong or when I seem to disappoint someone.

Learning to love myself is very difficult for me. I am so scared to come across as selfish or self absorbed or not attending to my duties. I worry about others perceptions of me, but I shouldn’t. Especially when my own perception of myself has been unfavorable for far too long. And perhaps if my own perception of myself changes, soon thereafter others perceptions of me will change as well. But I have to get through the process first and turn off my radar to other people’s reactions to the changes they see occuring in me, because they might be shell shocked for a while.


I just had an interesting conversation with a parent of a student tonight about exorcism. She said that the last priest who had performed one just passed away. We got into a discussion about it and I had posed the suggestion that what Catholics and other religious sects labeled as being possessed by demons in times gone by could really just be mental health issues that were “mislabeled” because not enough was known about psychology back then. And sometimes the “voices inside” someone’s head who is struggling with mental health issues can just speak evil inside their head rather than confusion or delusion etc…such as one of the personalities of someone with multiple personalities being someone who claims to be a demon or someone evil that forces the person they are inhabiting to do evil things.


I have done the above. I have walked, I have faced, and now I am climbing out. I have dwelled in my shadows too long. I forgive myself for being there too long and bathing in the toxic shadows for too long. I am ready to find resolve now instead of only wallow.


Daily habits


Working through my depression and being on the upside of it definitely feels good. I felt myself backsliding last week when confronted unexpectedly and not on my own timeline like I originally planned by my birthmom (though the full conversation still hasn’t occurred yet and will be on my own terms, but due to her initial confrontation a painful reality hit me that I had not prepared myself for mentally). But at least I didn’t backslide for too long. I am still stuck too much in the tv rut and need to kick this ever lovin habit and get back to some of my other activities that are still on the back burner. I am still doing better than I was for the past 3 years (hey, I’m blogging here every day right???), But there are still many more hobbies in which I used to partake that I really want to complete or get back to. And most of them are things I really can’t do until the end of the night when my daughter’s in bed, and I can’t say that I’m really too tired by then, because I stay up till like 3 am, but I’m too lazy to do them. I’ve gotten in a really bad lazy rut from the depression that I still can’t quite get out of. Though I mentally feel better finally, I can’t seem to get out of the lazy mode. It still feels like enough of a chore to deal with work and the parenting stuff and trying to do more around the house in addition to being better about keeping on top of the daily house chores that I was so bad about during the depression so that the house starts getting a little better. And that leaves me still feeling like I just want to be a lazy couch potato by the end of the night. That never used to be me and I hate that it has become me…yuck! Here’s to hoping that with each passing day that I feel better that I will feel less lazy and more wanting to get back to the hobbies that excited me, and still do mentally but that somehow can’t pick me up off the couch to go set them up to do.


My song of the day: dedicated to three of my four parents….I reclaim my name(s) and take back what you stole from me, or what you never gave me to begin with….warning: explicit lyrics…