Emotional Rollercoaster

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I know I’ve been MIA a bit…with my stepdaughter moving back in after her break up with her boyfriend and subsequent stay in the psych hospital, my life has been turned upside down again. I know this is the time I need to write the most, but I just haven’t even been able to pull myself together enough to do that. This is why I’m just trying to even drop this little note to get back in to it, even if only the first step. At least it serves as a reminder of what I need to do to keep sane through a time I can already feel myself sliding down a slippery slope, very quickly. As things start to settle in, I will make it a priority again to get back to writing here. It is essential for my well being. I haven’t even been able to express myself through my music, because the school year came to a culmination and I hadn’t even been able to get myself together enough to email everyone about scheduling, especially since I teach a decent amount out of my house, and my house has been a holy wreck for a month now due to my crazy end of the year recital stuff and my step daughter moving back in, which entails a whole ton of moving things around within our house to get a room ready for her again and moving a lot in to a storage unit. One big ball of chaos and in flux again. I just don’t know how much more of this life (style) I can handle. I’m tired of my life being shaken up by everyone else. It might be time for me to do some shaking of my own…

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Guilt, Fear and Shame

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There are two emotions that I feel very predominantly in my life: Guilt and Fear. I have felt them for as long as I can remember. Many people throughout my life have instilled those two emotions in me and then perpetuated their continuation. Due to my comfort zone of “sameness”, I have allowed it to continue. I have come to the realization that so much of my guilt and fear (aside from the fear that is actual survival type Darwinian fear), stems from many of the characters throughout my life holding alot of shame about their own actions or about their own identities. Because they were so ashamed of themselves and feared others opinions, they instilled fear and guilt in me in an attempt to silence me. But it is out of their own shame. And so, doing something like what I am doing here, writing for myself, to get things out of my head, to vent, to complete strangers, under an alias, secretively, still causes me stress, guilt and fear. I fear that someone I am writing about will find this and be angry with me for expressing things I am “not allowed” to express otherwise. I feel guilty for not being able to say some of these things directly to these people because our communication is so far gone, and I am partially to blame for that as well, but I am broken. But I am trying. I try every day, all day, to fix myself. That is what I am trying to do here. But it wouldn’t be viewed as that. It would be viewed as me talking about them “behind their backs”. But I do honestly live by the fact that I wouldn’t say anything about someone behind their backs that I wouldn’t be willing to admit that I said about them to their face if confronted. And if I had a better communication line with these people, I would be able to work through these things with them. But somewhere along the line, fear was created in me and caused me to withdraw in to myself which prohibits me from having the ability to confront the things I am feeling directly with them. Or sometimes there are things that they are just not able to grasp because we are in different places of development as souls on this journey in life. I, personally, don’t think that I am doing anything wrong here by writing and expressing how I feel. And if any of the people I write about were doing the same about me, if they said things that I were hurt by, I would have a different reaction then they would. I wouldn’t be mad at them. I would be hurt. I would be hurt that they felt they couldn’t talk to me about how they were feeling. Especially if it was a flaw about me that I needed to work on. If they were being catty, then it just says something about them, and then that is their problem and then yes, I would be mad at them if they were calling me names. That’s a little different. But if they were just writing about their honest feelings and I came across it, I would just be hurt. But I am pretty confident that those I write about would be mad at me and take it out on me in some way thinking I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. And on the one hand, yes I should have the courage to speak to them about it rather than “talking to strangers” about it, the reason I don’t is again fear. Because I have been met with so much anger in the past whenever I do try to bring up things that need to be worked out, that I don’t feel that much gets accomplished, or I don’t feel heard, or I feel invalidated, or I feel we go around in circles, or some other emotion is evoked that scares me or is pointless. But living with the constant thoughts that swirl in my head without being able to express them has truly been killing me for the past several years, and I need some outlet it has been a big contributor to my depression, and I need something, and this is one of my something’s. So I guess I will continue to live with the guilt and fear of being found out because it still beats the depression of living with the pent up thoughts and inner arguments and tail chasing. Because I do know that I am not wrong for doing this. I will deal with the consequences should I ever be found out for doing this. Sometimes fate inserts itself for a reason.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/guilty/

Making an a$$ out of u and me

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So, yesterday’s bully situation exploded in my face today. When doesn’t standing up for myself or my daughter backfires. Learning to love myself entails using my voice, defending what needs defending and not letting people walk all over me (or my daughter) any longer. And of course, just because I didn’t hear any of the specific words that were said by the girl running her mouth, I can’t really defend my position and it becomes hearsay/he said she said. The girl went and “told” on me to the teacher and her mother, who then emailed the school. She claims that someone else said something derogatory about my daughter and that she was defending my daughter. So, I get a call from the principal today to kindly reprimand me for my assumption about what it was that she was saying since I hadn’t actually heard what she said because the mother of the girl also emailed the teacher. So now I’m painted to be the bad guy because I didn’t approach the teacher. But I have approached teachers before, and in fact, my daughter one and only friend, her best friend, had issues with kids in the class and her mom had a conference with the teacher, guidance counselor and principal earlier this year and my daughter became a huge topic of her own conference about her daughter. Because she pointed out to all of them that her daughter is constantly put in the middle and kids tell her she can only hang out with their group at recess if she ditches my daughter. She told them all how mean the kids are to my daughter. Has anything changed this year when teachers and principals are told? No. By the end of this year my daughter is wanting to change schools for next year. I’m tired of leaving it up to everyone else. No one advocates for my daughter. The girl who was talking about my daughter has been known to say and do mean things to my daughter in the past, so I have NO reason in the world to believe that she has a sudden change of heart and is coming to my daughter’s defense. Her mother is also part of the “in crowd” over there at the school because my daughter attends a private school where those who volunteer and give lots of money to the school will always come out on top. And I’m not one of them. So of course I’m the bad parent who is making bad assumptions and scolding kids according to them that should have been handled by a teacher.

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Everytime I speak out throughout my entire life, people try to shut me up and/or tell me I’m wrong. It is so defeating. I am tired of being complacent and feeling like everyone else in this world is right…..except me. Everyone else can get away with the same exact stuff that I say and do and defend, but it’s only ever me that gets told I’m wrong every single time, it’s only me who is constantly shoved down so far to the bottom of the trash pile that I do my own compacting. When I’m told over and over and over and over and over and over and over again that I am wrong, it’s pretty hard to tell myself and believe that I am right. Ever. It’s pretty hard to build self esteem and self love and have confidence enough to defend my honor and the honor of my daughter when everyone constantly tells me that everything I do or the way I do it is fucking wrong. I write here because this is the only place I feel validated. Very few in my real world of people validate me. Somehow, they tell me I’m wrong, or challenge everything I say or play devil’s advocate or tell me it’s not as bad as I make it out to be or compare it to something in their lives that are worse. I’m just done with it all. I’m tired of feeling guilty for speaking up. I’m tired of people telling me where my place is in this world. I decide where my place is in this world. Everyone else needs to stop trying to rule over me and put me in some sort of little box they can contain.

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I’m tired of people being so insistent on holding all the cards and for feeling the need to dominate me and disagree with me and all my ways. I’ve let this type of thing push me back in to my shell every time I get push back. But this time it might just be the fuel to my fire. It might just be the anger drive I need to keep my convictions that I will stand ground and hold the power that they all actually do see and are trying to hold back because they are actually afraid of what could be unleashed if I am not contained. I think everyone who keeps pushing down on me sees me bubbling at the surface and is wholly afraid of real truth rather than their controlled world of “truth” and they know they need to keep me at Bay. So I will not be shaken by this. I refuse to feel guilty because I know how my daughter is treated there. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes time and again. And no one ever defends my child except her best friend. Ever. I had every right to do what I did and I don’t care if it wasn’t within the little container inside which the niceness committee wants to operate. Because their niceness is not going very far in protecting my child from the meanness she experiences, regardless of their claims for not tolerating that behavior. It happens every day right in front of their noses and when my friend brought it up to them in the meeting how mean everyone is to my daughter they all said they had no clue about that….Because no one there cares about her well being nor do they really watch or listen for what truly goes on over there. I’ve been a classroom teacher before and I know you can’t catch everything, but I also know that they are missing far more than they should. And I have every right to say that as a teacher who knows EXACTLY what it’s like.

So they can continue their assumptions about me, and I will continue mine about all of them…

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/assumption/

 

 

Bully disappear

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Today, I hope I made a child feel like she wanted to disappear in the moment…Sound cruel? Sound harsh? Do I have your attention? Good……….

This may sound out of character for me, but this is because this is the Mama Bear side of me.

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Today was the Awards Assembly at my daughter’s school. She was only getting one award this year, but it was a pretty big one for her. 3rd place in the 4th and 5th grade Spelling Bee, where she gets to go up on stage and receives a medal this year (there are 12 competitors in the Bee). She’s never placed that high before. My husband, my mother-in-law and I were all there, sitting through an hour and a half assembly just for the 2 minutes she’s on stage for her one award. We listened and clapped for every other kid who received an award.

We were sitting right behind her class, but she was sitting with the band quite a ways away because they play during the assembly. My daughter has Asperger’s Autism. She isn’t treated well at school. On top of her quirkiness, she happens to have inherited the bad luck from both sides of her genetics to have landed in an ill mannered, nasty, bratty class of kids. This was quite apparent even just today by observing her class in comparison to all of the others during the assembly. They are more rowdy then classes 3 years younger than them, and it’s not because they’re just silly nice kids that can’t contain themselves. They are disrespectful, arrogant kids who have no reverance for other children receiving awards or the sovereignty of organized gatherings and the type of behavior that should be modeled. This is not how I raise my daughter. But, of course, these are the children she needs to get along with because they are her social life every day, 5 days a week.

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As soon as my daughter was called up to receive her medal, the girl directly in front of me from her class starts running her mouth to the kid next to her. My mother in law told me that she saw her mouth my daughter’s name. While I didn’t hear anything she said, it was apparent that she was speaking condescendingly about her because the kid she was talking to (who knew who I was) kept looking back at me, then looking at her, then looking at me, then looking at her….as in….shut up, stop talking about her, her parents are right behind you….

I wasn’t about to let that go. It’s bad enough my child doesn’t stand up for herself enough against these kids who make her feel worthless and invisible every day. There was no way I was going to allow that to happen in my presence. There was also another girl that, while she didn’t partake of the conversation, she continued to turn around and give us nasty glances, which she has a knack of doing, and she has said some incredibly nasty things to my daughter in the past as well. She has no fear of glaring at adults in the nastiest of manners. So I had quite alot to say in their direction. When I got through with my comments in letting them know they need to stop talking about my child when I’m sitting right behind them and that I can stare too, and that while I might not have heard what was said, body language said it all and that I’m not stupid-my daughter ranked third in the Spelling Bee for a reason. My mother in law also chimed in and said, “That’s right, we’re right here”. My husband gave them the stare down. The girl who was talking about her was literally scared straight. She wouldn’t even turn sideways and she was rigid and breathing heavily….all signs that she knew she was caught red-handed and was guilty. Those kids need to know that while my daughter might not stand up for herself, that their behavior does not go unnoticed and that her parents are more than aware of how they all treat her and that we won’t tolerate it and that we can be big and scary. Maybe they will remember that the next time they go to pick on my daughter.

Besides being bullied by my adoptive dad my entire life, because that’s just what narcissists do, I was bullied quite a lot in school.

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I will do all I can to try and help my child through these tough years. Childhood sucks when you’re not popular and you are an easy target. I will advocate for her every step of the way.

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Dealing with her pain on top of my own healing is one thing. But what escapes me is that she takes it one step further, as many kids with Asperger’s and PDA do, and she takes all of her frustrations out on me. Now, I know that all kids do this to a degree with their parents because home is a safe haven. But she does it to a ridiculous point. She is like a battering ram coming at me many days. It often feels like she bullies me. And no, it is not because I don’t know how to parent my kid or because I let her run rampant and out of control. She only acts like this to a few select people that she is close with. She is a perfect angel in school. She knows how to behave extremely well. But all of the anger and sadness and frustration from her life gone wrong and from how the children at school have made her feel gets turned on me. There is nothing I can ever seem to do right for this child. And once again, my common thread of….Nothing I ever do is right or enough. I am never good enough for anyone.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disappear/

Second song of the day: Bully by Shinedown….another one of my favorite bands

It’s 8 A.M.
This hell I’m in
Seems I’ve crossed the line again
For being nothing more than who I am

So break my bones
And throw your stones
We all know that life ain’t fair
But there is more of us
We’re everywhere

[Pre-Chorus]
We don’t have to take this
Back against the wall
We don’t have to take this
We can end it all

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

Hey!
Hey!

[Verse 2]
Think it through
You can’t undo
Whenever I see black and blue
I feel the past
I share the bruise

With everyone
Who’s come and gone
My head is clear
My voice is strong
Now I’m right here to right the wrong

[Pre-Chorus]
We don’t have to take this
Back against the wall
We don’t have to take this
We can end it all

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

[Solo]

[Bridge]
It’s 8 A.M.!
The Hell I’m in!
Your voice is strong!
Now right the wrong!

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully.
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely.
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

[Repeat Chorus]

Hey!

Rich stay rich, rich control needy, needy remain poor

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As if healing from the trauma of adoption and narcissistic adoptive parents weren’t enough, and having the chemical imbalances of anxiety and ADHD that weren’t discovered and treated till I was in my 20s and 30s, let’s add to that a child who has Asperger’s Autism. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter, and nothing can ever change that, no diagnosis could make me love her any less. But I obviously must have convinced Kuk Sa Nim and the Universe that I am some sort of Warrior that has all the strength in the world with the largest set of shoulders. And that synopsis snapshot is only a tiny little picture of it all really. Yet somehow I remain drug, alcohol and cigarette free…not sure how still….you might want to check back with me again on that one in another 10 years….

So the past couple of days have brought on a reminder of exactly the way the world runs. That the rich rule the world. The rich get to dictate and control those who are dependant on them for care and those who are needed always remain repressed by the rich. What does that mean in layman’s terms. Here has been my battle this week.

My daughter receives her medications through her pediatrician for her Autism (anxiety). He requires a 6 month med checkup. Ok. No big deal. Due to the fact that I have ADHD and a very stressful job when it comes to fine details that keep my head swimming, I often forget when it is that I need to make an appointment (and I can’t make them ahead of time due to my schedule because I’d end up having to cancel and reschedule anyway because my schedule is constantly in flux due to it’s shifting nature). So it ends up that the need for renewal of her medication is often the way that I am reminded that I need to make an appointment. I just can’t keep that detail worked out. And it’s not like the doctors doctor ever sends any notice like the dentist or the vet or the eye doctor does. So I tried to renew her prescription through my pharmacy and it was denied twice. So I called her pediatricians office. The front desk told me the doctor may not do it because she’s due for her med check and they don’t want to be held liable for patients with psychiatric and ADHD issues and medication dosages. After arguing with her (which I will splay out my logic in a second) her medication has still not been refilled 2 days later….So I guess I will be on the search for another pediatrician who will work with her diagnosis and continue to prescribe her medications.

Here is my logic on this one….

So they claim they don’t want to be held “liable and responsible” for mis-dosaging of psychiatric and ADHD patients….Yet I tell them my daughter is out of her medication and they won’t even renew it for a month until I can get her in with an appointment. So they’d rather be liable for a 10 year old to have withdrawn from a medication she’s now been on for several years and that all I’m going to do is walk in and tell them that she’s doing fine on it. If there was a problem with the dosage to where there major problems at home due to her dosage being too low because she had outgrown the dosage, I would have already made the appointment. They hadn’t upped the medication dosage, she’s been on the same thing, so worst case scenario is that it’s not as effective because of her weight differentiation….So….sounds like they are more interested in making their money than in the real care of their patient, who will have to suffer withdrawal. Luckily, I and my husband are on the same medication just double the dosage and we are cutting our pills in half. It probably changes the extended release portion of it, but it’s better than watching my 10 year old go through withdrawal from a medication I’ve been through the withdrawal of and it is not pleasant. I’m utterly appalled by this doctors behavior……

Better

My song of the day:Better by Plumb

This song came on my playlist a day or two ago. And then it appeared today on my Facebook as my see your memories from 3 years ago which was from the day (and events leading up to it) that kicked off my depression because of a situation that my adoptive dad started a mess over that changed the entire way I saw things and brought down the veil of everything from my childhood and for the first time I started to see everything about my parents so clearly for the first time. This song is about my adoptive dad.

Tackled number two today

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On my road to recovery out of my depression, I know that one key factor to becoming who I want to be is to find and use my voice again, but this time in a more confident and more effective manner. I have situations on my mental list that need boundaries drawn or hard conversations to be had. There is an order in which I need to handle them for several reasons. Today I tackled number two on my list. Number three sort of derailed number two from taking place sooner because number 3 inserted herself out of order by directly asking me a question and I answered honestly (also part of my healing process-to not tell White lies just to be a peace maker or to avoid difficult situations). I did tell her I needed time, but she posted a meme on Facebook that dredged up alot of wounds and hurt that caused a bit of a backslide that I wasn’t prepared for. But today was the day I was finally ready to hit that send button on the email to my adoptive dad.

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My adoptive dad is the biggest Narcissist there is. My email did exactly what this meme says, it unveiled the way he tries to control me. I let him know straight up that I am on to his game and that I see through every little antic and spelled out that antic for him so that he knows full well that he can’t pull the wool over my eyes like he thinks he can. He may be able to fool every other person on this planet, but not me. He’s got Moxy, that’s for sure. For once, my email was succinct. As you all know here by now, brevity is not usually in my wheelhouse. But I just laid it all out and told him what my new boundaries were, where he was out of line, and how I see through his game.

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If I know my dad like I think I do, his current tactic has been to freeze me out for a little bit by text, having my mother text me instead when it’s something he would normally text me about, to let me know he’s pissed at me. He started putting money in my bank account earlier this year when they learned my husband took a second full time job. Normally I have been making a point of not taking any financial help from them other than some other things we had agreed upon long ago like my daughter’s school tuition etc….because he holds it over my head. And so, one of his tactics may be to not put it in this month. That will be coming up in the next couple of days. The only reason I agreed to it this time was because he had to go bragging about the inheritance he got from his dead boyfriend (while he’s still married to my mom)….so if he’s going to continue to throw things in my face, then I’m going to take him up on that offer when he can afford it and we are struggling and working very hard to make ends meet. He used to confront me and yell at me and then hang up on me 5 minutes in to the conversation when I said something he didn’t like and had no logical response to, but he had to change that tactic as I got way smarter than him and started seeing through him more and more and started calling him out first on things. So I don’t think he will say a word to me. I think he will act like everything is fine the next time I see him, put on his best two face mask as always and play pretend. And then I will just wait in the wings as always and observe his actions for his next wacko bizzaro scheme to hit me out of the blue, something I could just never even prepare for because he just comes up with the weirdest stuff to blindside me with. Always eggshells.

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And because I expect him to vent to my mother, because he always has to have someone to complain to, I sent her a copy of the email afterwards as a forward. So that she knew what was going on and could see it first hand. Because he’s been known to twist my words to her or leave things out. And this would be exactly one of those situations. Because if he told her verbatim what my email was about, it would make him look horrible. I can’t even imagine him telling her about my email and how that conversation would go and how I thought he crossed a line in sending my best friend a box of his dead boyfriend’s clothing for her husband. And how I’ve dealt with how he and my mother chose to live their lives, but even after his boyfriend is dead, this should be a moot point but he still finds some way for it to permeate everything and now involved my best friend in it. And so I now refuse to have his dead boyfriend’s name spoken in my presence or the presence of anyone related to me. I’d really love to know how he would bring that email up to my mother without making himself look bad in the process, even though my mother knew about the box of clothing and everything. For him to say it still makes him sound stupid. So I know he’d change some facts. So I am two steps ahead of him on that one by sending her the email personally. Even though I’m sure I can still count on her to take his side anyway. She always has and probably always will…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/observe/