Moody Blues

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I can be one of the moodiest people out there. I am medicated for anxiety, that is what flips my switch and causes my moody outbursts. My hyper worry mode spins my brain into hyper drive and spawns many different reactions depending on the situation. But as soon as I realize that I have had an improper reaction to something and caused someone any form of heartache, I immediately apologize and try to change in the future. I am always working on evolving and bettering myself.

I personally like moody people because they usually have more spunk to them and are more lively with more zest for life. Where the problems come in for me is that there is a fine line with moodiness. Just as there is a fine line between genius and insanity. There are people who have mood swings that they take out on others with no remorse where every little thing that others do or say bothers them, and they see everything as the problem of everyone else and never see themselves as the problem. Or they know they have a problem and don’t care and still pick out every little perceived flaw of everyone else they encounter and run with it. These people pick puppets to do their bidding and tether them around on strings, hiding them away from all others that they used to associate with. These exceptionally moody people can be very charismatic and appealing, especially to those who are needy. And then they are sucked in like a cult. These people alienate their puppets and grow even stronger in their moody ways because they are convinced that they are safe because they have someone who will put up with their moodiness without them having to even be apologetic and remorseful. They have their cake and can eat it too.

We are two separate breeds of moody, and this breed of moody clashes very adamantly with the non-remorseful, cult like brand.

I feel it to heal it. They blame to shame.

via Daily Prompt: Moody

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Home Base Default Setting

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Many people probably view me as someone who plays the victim role in life. As someone who is very vocal about my pain and suffering, and who often over steps boundaries in order to tell my stories, most probably perceive me as someone who is looking for sympathy. But honestly, I am quite the opposite. It helps my self esteem when people to whom I have told a part of my story, or those who have been with my on part of my journey tell me how amazing it is that I am as functional as I am. Or that I have beaten the odds. Or that people like me give those who have faced less adversity in their life no excuse to behave as poorly as they do when I have been able to rise from my ashes. It is the recognition of what I have been through, and the admiration for what I have done to pull myself through that helps me continue to rise above.

As someone who has felt constant invalidation, been doubted by so many as to the validity of my stories, and been made to feel like a crazy person; hearing from others how strong and resilient of a person I am is what I need the most to continue healing. It is when people question my truths, question the eccentricity of my emotions, question whether I make mountains out of molehills, question whether I am the drama seeker; that pulls me under.

My home base default setting is that I want to be viewed as someone who is strong BECAUSE I face my darkness head on and don’t succumb to it. My home base desire is for people to recognize me as someone who is not a negative person that resides under a grey cloud of doom because I am a negative person and want to rain on everyone’s sunshine day, but rather for people to see that I have been thrown a ton of curve balls and I am not one to ever take the easy way out by resorting to drugs or alcohol to deal with my problems or rather mask them. I face them full on and that often means having to get dirty by sliding in to home base in order to score (read: weather the storm before seeing the sun again).

via Daily Prompt: Base

Millions of people; one mankind

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Millions of People; One Mankind

The first time I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, I was a junior in High School. I scored as an ENFJ. For anyone not familiar with this test, each of the 4 letters has an opposing letter as well that categorizes your personality type. ENFJ stands for Extravert Intuitive Feeling Judgment. I am a very honest person, so I know that I answered the questions very truthfully. I also am very in tune with myself, so I know that my answers were quite thoughtful. So I agree with this representation of my personality during my high school years.

I have taken the test two more times since then. Once about 10 years ago when I scored INFP and about 2 years ago when I scored INF J. The I that changed stands for Introvert as you probably guessed, and the P at the end of the one stands for Perceiving. So what does this mean? That I am a sell out and someone who changes with the wind? That I am easily influenced by others? Quite the contrary. I believe it is because I am constantly developing. I work on myself from a psychological perspective daily. So even though the P and F keep flip flopping, one major thing that has changed since my youth is that I have gone from being an Extravert to being and Introvert. This is a major Archetypal change in my overall being.

The older I get, the less it seems that I can relate to the millions of people out there in the world that I have access to on a regular basis. I used to try so hard to fit in, thinking there was something drastically wrong with me. I have done so much work on myself, figured out the reasons for my “issues”, fixed many things, and come to terms with my quirks. But it seems like the more I interact with the millions, the masses, the less tolerance I have. I know a lot of people have said that this is a trait of getting older to a degree. But not to the extreme that I am experiencing it.

I used to enjoy socializing. I fed off of it. The more the merrier. I would actually get upset if only 4 showed up for karaoke instead of the usual 30 that we had there every week. I still enjoy some social gatherings at times, but I definitely cannot stand crowds. And the more complex and deeper the relationship, the harder it is and more likely it is for a conflict to ensue, the more likely I am to start pulling away. I detest co conflict. I have spent my entire life in conflict it seems. The benefits of less human interaction seem to far outweigh the downsides of the conflict that goes along with it.

Perhaps I am starting to take after my birthdad who has become a hermit in his old age. My husband has become more reclusive as he’s become older as well. Different personalities are just becoming too difficult and exhausting for an empath like me to navigate on a regular basis. It is draining to my soul. I get more fulfillment from something like this, a blog site, where I can read others personalized posts, interact with mankind on a personal level, but not have to take on all of the continuing obligations that forged relationships require. Not because I don’t want to put time and effort in to relationships, but I get tired of being judged and told exactly how I should run my life by people who don’t live in my shoes. I always feel like I am letting people down because I don’t keep in contact enough. I hate feeling like a failure or that I’m disappointing those I care about. It wears on my psyche. When I can interact with the millions behind a screen, I don’t have this issue. There can be interspersed encounters that are fleeting and everyone is invigorated by it with no extra anxiety as to expectations required of them. Sure, there is always the internet etiquette. But with strangers, people don’t ruminate as much if something goes awry.

And so, thank you to all of those who are reading my blog and providing me with my socialization and human interaction with the millions.

 

via Daily Prompt: Millions

Cloak of Invisibility 10/17/16

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More than two months ago I stopped posting and commenting on my regular Facebook page. It started out for one purpose, and ended up remaining as such because I realized just how insignificant and invisible I was to all of the people I was considering acquaintances and friends. It took three weeks before even one person even contacted me to see if I was ok and why I wasn’t on Facebook. That person lives in Australia and is someone I haven’t even met in person. It took almost two months for a second person to mention to me that they noticed I hadn’t been on Facebook much lately. And so I came to the conclusion, why should I be wasting so much time on social media when people don’t even take notice when I’m not around. Either they don’t notice or they are glad I’m gone.

Today I uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone to take a break from my secondary Facebook page. I am starting to read in to everything a certain person posts and feel as though some things are aimed at me. I need peace in my head. I need a break from the world. I do want to be found, I want to know people recognize my existence, miss me when I’m not there. But I am triggered daily by everyone’s inability to deal with me and my apparent negativity and Debbie Downerism. Hardly anyone seems to get me or know who I am anyway, so what is the point anyhow. I need to refocus and regain perspective on my life and recover from all of my tragedies. I need to learn to move forward. If people want to find me, they know how and where…