Secrets and Lies Part I

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Day one on Planet Earth. Happy Birth Day. A day to be legally falsified, shrouded in lies and secrets. The record I produce for my entire life will bear this tale. My own genetic history kept a mystery. Something I was not entitled to thanks to the mistakes, insecurities and decisions of everyone but me. It took me thirty six guilt laden years before I permitted myself to feel deserving enough and to put my needs before those who were supposed to put mine first.

 

Golden Globe

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Meryl Streep’s departing line of her acceptance speech. The best artists are oftentimes those who are the most tortured of souls. My Happiness Project journal prompt last night brought me to a stark realization. I have been frantically searching for the past 2 years (the years of the dark night of my soul), for that which brings me happiness. I used to know this very easily. Even though I also used to know utter torture as well, I also used to know and have extreme happiness and joy in my life also. I have been desperately seeking that in so many different facets and coming up empty-handed. New and old are all disappointing me equally. Music seems to be the only thing that still never fails me, only I can fail it. In to it, I always pour my broken heart…

Renewal

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At the culmination of each year, everyone starts to think about what their New Year’s Resolutions will be. Ringing in a New Year is often seen as a sign of renewal or rebirth for a good majority of the world. I get the added bonus, or catharsis depending on your vantage point, of my birthday falling on December 21st, a few days shy of the New Year Renewal Ritual.

My birthday has always brought with it a lot of bittersweet emotions. I have always attributed this to the fact that I am adopted, and many other adoptees attest to the fact that they too struggle with their birthday each year. It is a reminder of the life I could have had, a reminder of the fact that I was surrendered or given up because I was a burden to those I was born to, a reminder of the loss of birthrights that every other class of humans that walk this earth are entitled to, a reminder that the parents I grew up with are not the parents that gave birth to me and are not my genetic link to my ancestors or geneology. And I believe my adoptive parents have always subconsciously felt this reminder at my birthday because throughout the years, they have successfully ruined many birthdays for me; from yelling at me because I was sick, to grounding or yelling at me because I was a half hour late coming home from my 21st birthday celebration, to flat out forgetting to call me one year. Yet these are the same people who call me by 3 pm to remind me to call the other parent on their birthday if I hadn’t called yet because they thought I had forgotten.

Heading in to the New Year is always a compounded vortex of sensitivities for me. Facing the open wounds of my recent birthday woes and trying to set new goals for the upcoming year ahead all within a short period of time.

My husband recently made the comment that in years past he always goes in to each year with a positive outlook, hoping and thinking that the new year will be better than the last, planning for it to be with all the goals to set in motion to make it so. This seems like the way that most people step in to the New Year. And it is always joked about that most people fall off their own bandwagon shortly thereafter. My husband said he might do things different this year and go in to this coming year with the expectation that things will be the same, or even get worse and it will just be a surprise bonus if things turn out good for once. His words lingered in my mind.

I think he is on to something. At least for the way things work in our world, this might be the best way for us to approach our life. It may seem pessimistic and negative to the rest of the free world. This may be why we have become hermits and loners in our old age. We don’t associate well with everyone else and others can’t seem to handle our way of dealing with life.

As with my last quote that I posted, hope devalues acceptance. The more I seem to have hope that things will get better, the more expectations I have of how things are supposed to be, or that some day things will get better. And with each passing day when things don’t get better, during those moments when things take the opposite turn and get worse when I thought I was already pretty low on the totem pole (yes, I realize there are always people out there who have it worse than me), I fall deeper in to depression and feel hopeless, wanting to resist my life and run away from everything-starting over from scratch where no one knows me. This blog is sort of a testament to that, because no one who knows me has access to or knows about this blog. It is my little secret from those who know me in real life.

My “hope” (love the irony there) is that if I face the New Year setting out to accept my life and accept where I am in it and who I have become and am becoming/shifting to become, then I might find some renewal and clarity, this helping me to move forward, rather than staying stuck in this holding pattern of utter depression where I have no real game plan for how to truly get my life in order so that I can move in the direction of up.

via Daily Prompt: Renewal

Eggshells

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I am that person who is non-confrontational. Sure, I let off steam and vent alot. But when it comes to actual communication and confronting the issues and situations that need to be addressed with people, I cower like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz.

This stems from constantly being put down as a child and always being made to feel like I was wrong. My parents never admitted they were wrong and never apologized to me. EVER! They still haven’t. And I am going to be 39 in 1 day and they are 73. The best apology I ever get from them is,”I’m sorry you feel that way.” Never an admission of guilt. So I have always bourn the burden of feeling as though I am the loser in every argument. This carried in to my adulthood and has become a complex.

Due to my insecurities and conversely competitive nature, I started avoiding arguments and tough conversations at all costs the older I get. When I was younger I would avoid them with my parents so I wouldn’t get in trouble. As an adult, I avoid them so that my PTSD isn’t triggered and so that I don’t constantly feel inferior, as though I am always in a losing battle. I am a very sensitive person, so whenever my intense emotions are triggered by conflict, my gut instinct and reaction is to cry. This automatically is seen as a sign of weakness which has probably marketed me to friends and partners as easy prey. Add to that my own inner desire to avoid the conflict in the first place, need to people please, constant apologetic attitude, and desire to always work on my self, I am a recipe for disaster.

And so, I suck down all my feelings whenever I am at war with myself over something that is eating away at me over a controversial issue within any given relationship. I fester, and then often explode with emotions at the most inopportune moments. I am often made to feel as if I am in charge of everyone’s feelings. And if I confront someone during one of their 356 bad days out of the year, then I am this horrific person who can’t even hold out when I knew they were having a rough time. Yet NO ONE grants me this. Nor do I ever ask them to tip toe around me or walk on eggshells. I am so tired of feeling like I have to bottle up everything and keep my mouth shut and stay a prisoner in my own head just to maintain everyone else’s sanity. I am on the brink of insanity myself and no one seems to give a damn. All I hear are constant comparisons about how I don’t know what their life is like, I’ll never understand, their situations are so much worse then mine. I’m sick of no one recognizing the pain I am in and the turmoil I have gone through in my life. And the continued stifling of myself and sacrificing of myself that I do for everyone else’s sake. I am tired of everyone only ever seeing their own perspective and never slowing down for a second to consider someone else’s. Because I feel like, although I may not always be successful at this, I try very hard, and no one else even gives it a second thought. They just go on being themselves and not caring what the world thinks. There is self confidence, and there are character flaws that need to be changed when you are clearly pushing people away and angering and torturing everyone close to you. People need to get their heads out of their beehinds and look at themselves in a third person perspective for once. Because if something doesn’t change soon, I will be changing more drastically then I ever have before in my life. I already have been making some slow drastic changes. And if people around me don’t wake up and start seeing into my soul….That will be the last they will be seeing of me. The ants go marching one by one hurrah…..

Percolate

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There are two major concepts I have been percolating on for quite a while. Both of them I have had recent close encounters with once again to bring them to the forefront of my mind. They are a bit unrelated, yet at the same time somewhat fall under a similar omnipotent category.

The first relates directly to the meme. This concept is one that has been a very popular mantra that many of the more positive and goal oriented, success driven people seem to live by. I have heard variations of this quote repeated ad museum in the past few years. In many ways, this has applied to my life and I can understand it’s poignancy. But when it comes to matters of finances, I just don’t know what else I can change and what other lessons I need to learn before I can finally have the world or a Higher Power, whichever way you choose to think about it, give me a break and not keep beating me over the head. So many people get away with so many things in this world that are things that come back and haunt me at the most inopportune moments, read:just when I think I might be starting to get a handle on things I get kicked in teeth and blindsided by some other transgression from my past. I have made so many changes recently to how I handle finances and somehow I feel like I cant breathe even more today than ever. I have admitted and recognize how I sabotage myself financially and in my decisions relating to finances because of my relationship to money which is directly related to how I view my Dad’s greedy heart and my desire to never turn in to that. I have been pulling away from the financial grips off my parents so that they can no longer control me psychologically. Even though that directly affects me from the financial standpoint negatively because it means I can’t turn to them to bail me out of tough situations, I would think that one of my lessons would be that I needed to take responsibility for myself and that I would be “rewarded” for my efforts to turn my life around and not be dependant on them to bail me out. I have made a point of sending out invoices consistently when my students miss a payment, something that I would think would be a lesson I’m supposed to learn, to not let everyone walk all over my kindness by letting payments go week after week to the point that I’m sure many have been missed over time due to my poor record keeping. And how am I rewarded for my diligence this year? By more students forgetting payment than ever before, forcing me to have to send more invoices (which makes me uncomfortable to begin with) and also delays me getting paid regularly and keeps me scraping worse than ever to come up with money to pay my bills. I have finally been rewarded by getting the job that I thought I sabotaged myself over (that I posted about at the beginning of my blog site) so I will start to get a better supplemental income in that can hopefully start to turn some things around. But I am so tired of feeling like the universe is working against me all the time. Just today, the 2 students I was supposed to get money from during the daytime teaching, one forgot the check (she is usually pretty good about it and will probably leave it for me tomorrow at least) and the other one had an assembly at school I didn’t know about and I couldn’t teach her lesson, so I don’t get paid for that one unexpectedly. There has been more of that sort of thing taking place lately as well. Students cancelling or assemblies that cause me not to be able to teach. I have stopped buying random things on eBay that I used to do, I have cut back significantly on my eating all the way around (from the fast food, to eating the $1 packets of knorr pasta sides for dinners to cutting back on goodies/deserts etc…), I stopped myself from my horrendous 6month addiction to Yahtzee with friends that put us in the hole financially and did that cold turkey back in May, I have cut back on the things I spend on for my daughter as extra things she doesn’t need and tell her no more often (something she needs to hear anyway)….I never go out, I haven’t cut my hair in a year and a half, I mean, seriously. What the hell more can I do???? Why do I have to keep getting slapped in the face? All I feel like I do is pay my damn bills and have an anxiety attack for 10 more days wondering if I will overdraft before my husband’s next big paycheck comes in, whether my day to day income will carry us through the other weekly/daily expenses. I wonder if there ever is a light at the end of the tunnel or whether it’s only a mirage, a reflection of someone else’s bright shining star. I’m so exhausted. What else is there for me to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’ve sacrificed everything I can and I got another job to bring in more income. I’m so sick of life continuing to kick me while I’m down and never allowing me to work my way back up. I feel hopeless. The world doesn’t want me to succeed or find financial peace.

The next concept on which I percolate is the conspiracy theory that there is no privacy in this world. That big brother is always watching. That somehow I am the main character in a reality show like the movie “Truman Show”. I have always believed that I have psychic abilities and that I can intuitively send and receive messages to people as an empath. I have proven my abilities time and again. But some of the occurrences that have happened in 2016 alone are just too uncanny to be mere coincidence. One of them felt as though I was being spied on through my phone somehow. I was talking with a student in my small studio at the school I teach at. I talked about the song “I love you, a bushel and a peck.” I had never typed those words in to any computer or electronic device ever from anywhere. I don’t keep the location turned on in my phone. My phone was inside my purse so it couldn’t have randomly turned on the video camera or microphone I wouldn’t think. Yet later that same exact day, I received Etsy notifications (even though I had all notifications from the Etsy app set to be blocked) that showed suggestions for about 20 different products that all contained the phrase “I love you a bushel and a peck”. I usually take synchronicities in life to mean that I am in the right place in my life and where I need to be, but that was just too weird and felt like I was being spied on. Then, the last post I tried to write on here was when the word of the day was “relish”. It was about literal relish, a red pepper relish that my dad bought in the past for me because we can’t find it anywhere near us. We haven’t had it in a few years now since we finished the only batch he gave us. Somehow, even though I typed the whole thing, it never ended up posting. My Dad and I (ya know, the one I’ve ranted about who is Narcissistic, who I don’t have a very keen relationship with and with whom I certainly don’t have a psychic connection of any sort) were talking the other day and he told me he was having a box shipped to my house that’s a Christmas present that we can open on Christmas. Well, it came the other day. It says it right on the label, “The Red Relish Company”. My blog post never even posted, so it’s not like he ever even read it (not that he could have anyway, because I’ve kept this blog a secret from everyone I personally know anyway). Again, how highly random. It’s far too uncanny to just be a plain ole coincidence. I swear my life is being aired on a television set that the whole world title watching. It would make a lot of elements of my life make more sense to me. Something more to percolate on.

 

via Daily Prompt: Percolate

Home Base Default Setting

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Many people probably view me as someone who plays the victim role in life. As someone who is very vocal about my pain and suffering, and who often over steps boundaries in order to tell my stories, most probably perceive me as someone who is looking for sympathy. But honestly, I am quite the opposite. It helps my self esteem when people to whom I have told a part of my story, or those who have been with my on part of my journey tell me how amazing it is that I am as functional as I am. Or that I have beaten the odds. Or that people like me give those who have faced less adversity in their life no excuse to behave as poorly as they do when I have been able to rise from my ashes. It is the recognition of what I have been through, and the admiration for what I have done to pull myself through that helps me continue to rise above.

As someone who has felt constant invalidation, been doubted by so many as to the validity of my stories, and been made to feel like a crazy person; hearing from others how strong and resilient of a person I am is what I need the most to continue healing. It is when people question my truths, question the eccentricity of my emotions, question whether I make mountains out of molehills, question whether I am the drama seeker; that pulls me under.

My home base default setting is that I want to be viewed as someone who is strong BECAUSE I face my darkness head on and don’t succumb to it. My home base desire is for people to recognize me as someone who is not a negative person that resides under a grey cloud of doom because I am a negative person and want to rain on everyone’s sunshine day, but rather for people to see that I have been thrown a ton of curve balls and I am not one to ever take the easy way out by resorting to drugs or alcohol to deal with my problems or rather mask them. I face them full on and that often means having to get dirty by sliding in to home base in order to score (read: weather the storm before seeing the sun again).

via Daily Prompt: Base