Percolate

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There are two major concepts I have been percolating on for quite a while. Both of them I have had recent close encounters with once again to bring them to the forefront of my mind. They are a bit unrelated, yet at the same time somewhat fall under a similar omnipotent category.

The first relates directly to the meme. This concept is one that has been a very popular mantra that many of the more positive and goal oriented, success driven people seem to live by. I have heard variations of this quote repeated ad museum in the past few years. In many ways, this has applied to my life and I can understand it’s poignancy. But when it comes to matters of finances, I just don’t know what else I can change and what other lessons I need to learn before I can finally have the world or a Higher Power, whichever way you choose to think about it, give me a break and not keep beating me over the head. So many people get away with so many things in this world that are things that come back and haunt me at the most inopportune moments, read:just when I think I might be starting to get a handle on things I get kicked in teeth and blindsided by some other transgression from my past. I have made so many changes recently to how I handle finances and somehow I feel like I cant breathe even more today than ever. I have admitted and recognize how I sabotage myself financially and in my decisions relating to finances because of my relationship to money which is directly related to how I view my Dad’s greedy heart and my desire to never turn in to that. I have been pulling away from the financial grips off my parents so that they can no longer control me psychologically. Even though that directly affects me from the financial standpoint negatively because it means I can’t turn to them to bail me out of tough situations, I would think that one of my lessons would be that I needed to take responsibility for myself and that I would be “rewarded” for my efforts to turn my life around and not be dependant on them to bail me out. I have made a point of sending out invoices consistently when my students miss a payment, something that I would think would be a lesson I’m supposed to learn, to not let everyone walk all over my kindness by letting payments go week after week to the point that I’m sure many have been missed over time due to my poor record keeping. And how am I rewarded for my diligence this year? By more students forgetting payment than ever before, forcing me to have to send more invoices (which makes me uncomfortable to begin with) and also delays me getting paid regularly and keeps me scraping worse than ever to come up with money to pay my bills. I have finally been rewarded by getting the job that I thought I sabotaged myself over (that I posted about at the beginning of my blog site) so I will start to get a better supplemental income in that can hopefully start to turn some things around. But I am so tired of feeling like the universe is working against me all the time. Just today, the 2 students I was supposed to get money from during the daytime teaching, one forgot the check (she is usually pretty good about it and will probably leave it for me tomorrow at least) and the other one had an assembly at school I didn’t know about and I couldn’t teach her lesson, so I don’t get paid for that one unexpectedly. There has been more of that sort of thing taking place lately as well. Students cancelling or assemblies that cause me not to be able to teach. I have stopped buying random things on eBay that I used to do, I have cut back significantly on my eating all the way around (from the fast food, to eating the $1 packets of knorr pasta sides for dinners to cutting back on goodies/deserts etc…), I stopped myself from my horrendous 6month addiction to Yahtzee with friends that put us in the hole financially and did that cold turkey back in May, I have cut back on the things I spend on for my daughter as extra things she doesn’t need and tell her no more often (something she needs to hear anyway)….I never go out, I haven’t cut my hair in a year and a half, I mean, seriously. What the hell more can I do???? Why do I have to keep getting slapped in the face? All I feel like I do is pay my damn bills and have an anxiety attack for 10 more days wondering if I will overdraft before my husband’s next big paycheck comes in, whether my day to day income will carry us through the other weekly/daily expenses. I wonder if there ever is a light at the end of the tunnel or whether it’s only a mirage, a reflection of someone else’s bright shining star. I’m so exhausted. What else is there for me to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’ve sacrificed everything I can and I got another job to bring in more income. I’m so sick of life continuing to kick me while I’m down and never allowing me to work my way back up. I feel hopeless. The world doesn’t want me to succeed or find financial peace.

The next concept on which I percolate is the conspiracy theory that there is no privacy in this world. That big brother is always watching. That somehow I am the main character in a reality show like the movie “Truman Show”. I have always believed that I have psychic abilities and that I can intuitively send and receive messages to people as an empath. I have proven my abilities time and again. But some of the occurrences that have happened in 2016 alone are just too uncanny to be mere coincidence. One of them felt as though I was being spied on through my phone somehow. I was talking with a student in my small studio at the school I teach at. I talked about the song “I love you, a bushel and a peck.” I had never typed those words in to any computer or electronic device ever from anywhere. I don’t keep the location turned on in my phone. My phone was inside my purse so it couldn’t have randomly turned on the video camera or microphone I wouldn’t think. Yet later that same exact day, I received Etsy notifications (even though I had all notifications from the Etsy app set to be blocked) that showed suggestions for about 20 different products that all contained the phrase “I love you a bushel and a peck”. I usually take synchronicities in life to mean that I am in the right place in my life and where I need to be, but that was just too weird and felt like I was being spied on. Then, the last post I tried to write on here was when the word of the day was “relish”. It was about literal relish, a red pepper relish that my dad bought in the past for me because we can’t find it anywhere near us. We haven’t had it in a few years now since we finished the only batch he gave us. Somehow, even though I typed the whole thing, it never ended up posting. My Dad and I (ya know, the one I’ve ranted about who is Narcissistic, who I don’t have a very keen relationship with and with whom I certainly don’t have a psychic connection of any sort) were talking the other day and he told me he was having a box shipped to my house that’s a Christmas present that we can open on Christmas. Well, it came the other day. It says it right on the label, “The Red Relish Company”. My blog post never even posted, so it’s not like he ever even read it (not that he could have anyway, because I’ve kept this blog a secret from everyone I personally know anyway). Again, how highly random. It’s far too uncanny to just be a plain ole coincidence. I swear my life is being aired on a television set that the whole world title watching. It would make a lot of elements of my life make more sense to me. Something more to percolate on.

 

via Daily Prompt: Percolate

Home Base Default Setting

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Many people probably view me as someone who plays the victim role in life. As someone who is very vocal about my pain and suffering, and who often over steps boundaries in order to tell my stories, most probably perceive me as someone who is looking for sympathy. But honestly, I am quite the opposite. It helps my self esteem when people to whom I have told a part of my story, or those who have been with my on part of my journey tell me how amazing it is that I am as functional as I am. Or that I have beaten the odds. Or that people like me give those who have faced less adversity in their life no excuse to behave as poorly as they do when I have been able to rise from my ashes. It is the recognition of what I have been through, and the admiration for what I have done to pull myself through that helps me continue to rise above.

As someone who has felt constant invalidation, been doubted by so many as to the validity of my stories, and been made to feel like a crazy person; hearing from others how strong and resilient of a person I am is what I need the most to continue healing. It is when people question my truths, question the eccentricity of my emotions, question whether I make mountains out of molehills, question whether I am the drama seeker; that pulls me under.

My home base default setting is that I want to be viewed as someone who is strong BECAUSE I face my darkness head on and don’t succumb to it. My home base desire is for people to recognize me as someone who is not a negative person that resides under a grey cloud of doom because I am a negative person and want to rain on everyone’s sunshine day, but rather for people to see that I have been thrown a ton of curve balls and I am not one to ever take the easy way out by resorting to drugs or alcohol to deal with my problems or rather mask them. I face them full on and that often means having to get dirty by sliding in to home base in order to score (read: weather the storm before seeing the sun again).

via Daily Prompt: Base

The brain on auto-pilot

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For those who have ever partaken in musical training, or even a sport, piloting a plane, gaming, any form of constant motion training activity…

As you become more of an expert in your given field, your brain becomes more comfortable with your craft and with its ability to recall the information necessary to complete the task necessary. Based on the cross-reference with your training and your innate abilities, your brain makes its best guesses to help you execute the moves you need within the split second it has to process the information and send messages to your motor system in order to make the precisely correct motion necessary.

There are many factors that can affect your brain’s ability to accurately send the correct messages at the most consistent rate possible. Of course, repetition of the correct motion during practice/training is always important. Without being comfortable with the decisions it makes, the chances of accuracy on a regular basis are significantly lower. The brain will get bogged down and overworked in trying to constantly make decisions it is not comfortable making if the actions are too new to the physiological body.

However, one can train/practice all hours of the day, and if there is a lack of concentration in the moment of performance, the brain will second guess itself and make the wrong decisions. All it takes is a slight distraction, an unexpected sensory input in the heat of the moment, an overtired mind, weary eyes…and all the practice in the world goes right out the window. In fact, when someone knows that they aren’t as prepared as they should be, they tend to pay more attention and often perform better than they expect. Conversely, at times when someone is extra confident, they tend to become lackadaisical on their focus and make more mistakes then would be expected.

With the new developments in the health fields, and the surge we have seen in diagnoses of ADHD and Autism in recent years, we now know how much a lack of ability to focus (ADHD) and an oversensitivity to sensory input (Autism) can affect people’s ability to function and how much it can mask their true brilliance. Most of the children and people who carry these diagnoses are quite intelligent, often of above average intelligence. But their paralysis of these all important areas of functionality hide their ability to function with efficiency and ease in the way that those who do not have these diagnoses can function.

As I believe I alluded to in an earlier blog post, I have been formulating a grand hypothesis and theory on musical training, and it may transfer to other disciplines as well. It will take me some time to form a fully cohesive theory and strategy to combat this deficit that we have overcome in a slower manner up until now. I believe there is a.faster way to achieve more consistent success if I can pinpoint the correct tools to train the brain from the outset. I have just postulated in this post a very small glimpse in to the ideas that I am simmering inside my brain. One of my 7th grade students is even so inspired by it that she is structuring her science project based upon my general theories and ideas. I am very honored that she is so inspired by my thoughts on music to further investigate them for her science project. I look forward to working together with her and helping her with specific examples and to seeing the specific path she takes and what her exact findings are. I am very convinced that I have hit on a very unique and novel perspective that has not been truly explored in this manner and has not linked everything together in the manner that I have connected the dots in my brain. Some day…..Some day my theories and thoughts will come to fruition and the world will see that I do have a worthwhile contribution to leave as my legacy.

Art by Josephine Wall

Rearrange

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For the school year of 2015-2016, I rearranged my life to try and help out my daughter’s girl scout troop, particularly the one poor soul of a mom who agreed to take on being cookie mom for 3 troops as long as she had help. My daughter’s troop was the biggest troop, so I agreed to do the cookie booth portion of it, which is still a huge responsibility with the way they run cookies now. It is nothing like when I was a girl scout where everything, the door to door and cookie booth took place within a two week span. The whole charade now spans a 3 month stretch. It’s utterly ridiculous.

It also took me almost the entire school year to plan and execute this lovely brainchild of mine that did not have the outcome I desired. That was a high school band reunion. It started out as an idea I had when my 10th high school reunion rolled around and I had no desire to see my classmates but longed to see my band mates which were all of different classes. And then my 20th reunion came upon me, and I said, gosh darn it, here I am 10 years later wishing the same thing. I am going to make something happen this time. So it started out as a Facebook group of me and my friends and some of their friends. And then I made the mistake of contacting the alumni director at the school to ask if we could use the band room because someone (who didn’t even end up coming of course) had the bright idea that we should all play our instruments together and have a jam session. The alumni director then threw me in to full fledged alumni class reunion style mode and the next thing I know I have over 200 people in my Facebook group from all graduating classes dating back to the 70s (the school only opened in the 60s). Needless to say, that project became quite consuming. In the end, most of my own so called friends backed out on me and I did all that work mostly for people I didn’t know. In the meantime, I had started to act more slipshod with my work and at home, which I don’t like to give anything I do less than 100%.

During this 12 month period of the great depression, my Narcissistic Dad wreaked havoc in my life via my daughter’s First Communion. Due to the fact that he originally wanted to be the one to host the after dinner party so that he could take credit for it to my mother’s cousins who would be in from out of town and so that he had a say in the restaurant chosen, my husband and I saw right through his charade and decided that even though it would be a stretch for us to afford it, we were going to be the ones to take control of our own daughters party because we didn’t like the restaurant he was suggesting and didn’t want him dictating her events the way he has dictated mine. All because I rearranged what he had in mind and took it away from him, he played such spiteful, underhanded, unbelievable games that hurt my daughter behind the scenes and also hurt my sister in law merely because we chose to have desert back at her house and he still holds a latent grudge against her from my bridal shower from 14 years ago which resurfaced a year and a half ago. He turned my uncle, who is my daughter’s Godfather against me to the point that he didn’t even send her a card (I blasted him in an email over that one….he now sends her a birthday and Christmas card after I told him pretty much what a.horrible person he was for listening to my dad and taking it out on his Goddaughter by not coming to her Communion and not even so much as sending her a card. My dad purposely got the same gift that my sister in law got for my daughter which I specifically told my dad twice prior to the communion not to get because she wanted to specifically get her that as her godmother. And my dad got it anyway and the look on my poor sister in law’s face broke my heart when her gift ended up being a duplicate and she took hers out of the pile after my daughter opened my dad’s gift first. He did it on purpose because he’s jealous of my sister in law and doesn’t like her because of an issue from my bridal shower, which was a ridiculous issue to begin with and a made up pretentious issue of his where my sister in law did nothing wrong in the first place either. It was all my dad blowing things out of proportion. But he rearranges everything if things don’t go the way he wants them to in order to make everyone else’s life miserable and to play such horrible and deceitful mind games with everyone. He sabotages what are supposed to be happy events. He brings up ghosts of the past that have been laid to rest and spins lies to make you wonder if you’re going crazy. He tried to tell me I told him something my husband’s family said a long time ago and I stood there and verified with both my sister in law and husband present at the same time that no one in his family ever said such a thing and that was the first they’d ever heard of that, so I know I couldn’t have told my dad what he says I told him. Because if there is one thing I am superbly guilty of, it is honesty to a fault. Not that I don’t tell some white lies here and there, you know the kind I’m talking about. But when it comes to the big things about principles and such, I am the most upfront and honest person you would probably ever meet.

My life also got rearranged a bit with the news back in May or June that the birthfather that I was always told wanted nothing to do with me or my birthmother once he heard that she was pregnant was actually not even told about me until after I was given up for adoption. I had been vaguely in touch with him since about a year after my I met my birthmother. She gave me his name and told me she would rather I not contact him but I had the right to know his name and do what I wanted. She would always take my temperature on the situation and ask whether I had been in touch with him at all. I had made contact with him on Facebook and we texted a few times. We were both pretty distant and kept it to pretty factual questions. I was not about to open myself up to being hurt by someone who I thought never wanted me in the first place. At the same time he accepted my friend request on Facebook, my stepsister on his side also friend requested me. He is never on fb but she is. One day last September, she liked a post of mine and it sent my birthmother into a seething tizzy. She claimed it was because my birth stepsister was a wiccan and she doesn’t want any part of that in her life, but also said she doesn’t want any of my birthfathers side to know anything about her. It was our first real fight in 2 years. It really affected me deeply. Once the news came about 9 months later that my birthfather was never even told about me until after I was already given up for adoption and was never given the chance. He believes he would have married her in order to keep me. And honestly, his track record as compared to hers favors his story. My stepsister has also known about me since she was 10. I figured the first she was told about me was the day she friend requested me. So I was a present thought in his brain over the years. I finally met him in August. But all of this has rearranged my entire view on the chain of events and on my birthmother honesty and integrity. My birthfather is an incredibly warm and caring and loving person face to face, but he is horrible about keeping in touch via phone and text. And he lives 2 hours away. So it’s hard to maintain a relationship with him. Even my stepsister that he raised as his own daughter who lives 10 miles from him has a hard time keeping in touch with him. I am happy to have gained the knowledge and confidence that out of the 4 parents I have that one may have truly wanted me for the right reasons, even though he’s the one who I thought didn’t want anything to do with me, which had alot to do with some of my self esteem issues over the years. But now I feel a simultaneous loss at the same time. Because the one who has been there and in the right capacity is my birthmom since our reunion. But now I am having a hard time trusting her because of all of this and it’s hard to get over this betrayal of my birth story. And the one who actually makes me feel honestly loved when I’m with him, I can’t have much contact with just because of who he is and how he runs his life. I plan on seeing him again in November. Who can say that their birth story was actually rearranged in their mind at 38 years old? Usually just adoptees. Even when I thought I had it straight, that rug was pulled out from underneath me.

And so, with everyone rearranging my world for me, I have decided to be like the tiger in the picture. I am taking over the chess board of my life and I am taking control of the players in my life. I will no longer be anyone’s pawn. People need think wisely before making their next move, because I think very strategically, but I can also pounce ¬†when least expected. My thoughts are now two steps ahead of every move that my opponents might make and how I might be able to respond. Life is a game. And I’m tired of people playing ME like a fiddle rather than me coming out as chess champion. Watch out world. You’ve met your match.

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Rearrange