Enigmatic Amaryllis

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I am hoping to get back on the proverbial horse and start posting regularly again. I have slowly been adding good habits back in to my life one at a time. So today marks the impetus of the next chapter towards my spirits salvation.

The last post I made was days before attending the Shinedown concert. Above is a picture from said concert during one of my favorite songs by them. I got to be that close to their extended stage, and they performed that favorite song of mine while on that portion of the stage. The graphics in the back are of stained glass windows, which is a perfect segue to the next portion of this post. But before that transition, I am going to make today’s post a two

Song of the Day post

Amaryllis

By: Shinedown
In a while now
I will feel better
Ill face the weather before me
In a while now ill race the irony
And buy back each word of my eulogy

All the uninvited tragedies
Step outside

Ask yourself now
Where would you be without
Days like this
When you finally collide
With the moments you cant forget

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely sillouette
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach
Oh I wish youd open up for me
‘Cause I wanna know you
Amaryllis
Bloom

Stay a while now
Undress your colors
‘Cause there like no other
Ive ever seen
I could get used to your company
Step inside

Ask yourself now
Where would you be without
Days like this
When you finally collide
With the moment you cant resist

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely sillouette
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach
Oh I wish youd open up for me
‘Cause I wanna know you
Amaryllis

In a while now
I will feel better
I will be better

So do I remind you of
Someone you never met
A lonely sillouette
And do I remind you of
Somewhere you wanna be
So far out of reach
Oh I wish youd open up for me
‘Cause I wanna know you
Amaryllis
Bloom
Amaryllis
Bloom
Amaryllis

In many of my posts I speak of my Great Depression, or my Dark Night of the Soul that began in 2015. The first thing to begin pulling me out of that and helping me gain some true clarity about my life was my “Tea Time” or my “Spirit Space”. It is truly an enigma to me how much power this ceremonial ritual can hold over me and how much it has shaped my recent path and journey. I’m not sure if I have posted on this before at all, but I know I haven’t probably posted about it in much depth. I began developing my own personalized ritual ceremony back in December of 2017 and it has been continuing to evolve and grow ever since.

I have had my share of set backs with it. I am never able to be consistent with it due to my ridiculous schedule, especially during a school year, so I am not faithful to it daily. But in the past month I have done better than I ever have since it’s inception. It began with a suggestion from my friend to develop one ritual habit, perhaps of a cup of tea to myself at say 10 pm. I had been contemplating going back to my nightly tea and sweets and adding an element of spiritualistic ritual to it at that point. I was desperate to find answers and needed guidance. I vowed to not allow my 40s be like my 30s were, and December 2017 marked my 40th birthday.

My ceremony doesn’t follow any prescribed format, though it is derived from some of the basics of a pagan altar and Wiccan tenets, but I have much of my own flair involved including some Christian based traditions, journaling, work with crystals, journaling, tea, music, candle “magic”, chakra balancing, god and goddess devotions, spirit animal devotions, daily intentions, manifesting, simple spells, cleansing, aromatherapy, sigils, divination with Oracle cards and pendulum, and other personal touches.

I am just now starting to experiment with and learn about crystal grids. I am still quite the novice and have MUCH to learn. The pictures above are the first two I have experimented with. I have a lot of research to do in this area. I am fascinated by this subset and am excited to learn more. It is quite involved and very intricate when learning to do it right and with correctly set intention and meaning. The two I created here are mainly just on intuition and not through much knowledge.

These Oracle cards are readings I got from the other night which are quite accurate when I asked for what we’re the most important things I needed to know right now in my current path and journey. I used two different decks. The top picture is the deck I am most comfortable with where I did a past, present and future reading and the bottom picture is my newest deck that I only pulled one card to help me familiarize myself more with the deck.

This candle is a Yin and Yang candle I got at an Illuminate Crystal Fest. The very first time I lit it, the two crystals moved together within the first half hour and snuffed the wick out and wouldnt allow me to relight it. I began an email thread with the candle maker to see if I could return it and have her send me a new one. During this thread, it was very enlightening for many reasons. That dialogue and the contemplation of what it all meant also caused me to post about it in a group on FB asking others takes on the higher meaning of it. Some of the things I learned from this experience are….The crystals were probably drawn to each other and wanted to be closer together. Even though they are supposed to represent opposite polarities, they are drawn together. Upon reflecting that I needed to treat my polarities as more of an integration rather than a separation, I came to an epiphany regarding how I see it represented in my favorite colors (also representative of my dual identities from my opposite birth parents, also resulting in alot of inner conflict and turmoil). I have said for a long time that my favorite colors are black (my birth dad) and rainbow (my birth mom). This also is very representative of my moods and attitudes. But when I thought of this as an integration, what is black but all of the colors of the rainbow at once rather than as a separation of them. Black encompasses all colors, it is all colors.

Since getting back to my spirit Space more vehemently, it has been unfathomable how much strength I have found inside of myself and how much wisdom I feel intuitively about my path. Even if I am walking it slowly, I feel an inner confidence like never before that I know the path and am walking the path. It just might take me a little while longer to walk it after having 41 years worth of muck to shake off and swampland to trek through. But I am getting there.

Other song of the day:

Return to Innocence

By: Enigma

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion

Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion

Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny.

Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don’t give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

Don’t care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don’t give up, don’t give up
To return, to return to innocence.

If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/07/28/your-daily-word-prompt-unfathomable-july-28-2019/

Near and Abroad

In 3 days I get to see one of my favorite bands in concert not too far from where I currently live. A little less than three years ago I saw Shinedown in Concert for the first time. I saw them abroad. Well, abroad from where I currently live, yet it was actually the exact town that is listed on both of my birth certificates. You read that right. I’m one of the priveleged citizens to have two birth certificates. One is my real one, but is the one that was hidden from me until 2 years ago, locked away, sealed, until the state I was born in was one of the ethically just states to pass the law to unseal adoptees OBC’s (Original Birth Certificates). And the other, “official” birth certificate that I use to identify myself for the entirety of my life is a legally falsified document. The only type permissible in our country without penalty. I’d be penalized for using my real one. When I finally obtained my real one it had stamped in red all over it “to be used to historical purposes only.” The duplicity of my innocence and my curiosity, eternalized on documents with different names, born on the same day, in the same city with different parents listed, yet somehow both papers are a representation of my brain, my soul, my physical self. But the one thing I am left with with is dichotomous pain. Welcome to the party that reigns inside my head.

 

My Song of the Day: As I prep to attend my second Shinedown concert this week (which has become one of my top 10 favorite bands of all times within the past 3-4 years), here’s one from their latest album that is apropos to my current state of being these days…

 

 

DARKSIDE

By: Shinedown

Can you hear me? Am I speaking clearly?
Are you starstruck or just made of stone?
Do you need a savior? Some bad behavior?
Or you could cash it all in, I suppose

Because you’re in deep, resist and repeat
Face forward and don’t come unhinged
Block out the actors and all these bastards
That took all the fun out of rage and revenge

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Spare me your sorrow, there’s no tomorrow
That’s an empty promise at best
I tried to play nice, you were baptized in ice
So don’t tell me you’re just depressed

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Your equilibrium has been spun all around
And everything you know turned upside down
The symptoms are contagious so please be advised
So welcome to the darkside

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Your equilibrium has been spun all around
And everything you know turned upside down
The symptoms are contagious so please be advised
So welcome to the darkside

(Darkside, darkside) Welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) Welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) So welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) So welcome to the darkside

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/02/25/your-daily-word-prompt-abroad-february-25-2019/

Looking Glass

To move forward, I must rewind…

6 Word Story Challenge

 

#6WordsBetter

3 Hour Gun Jumping

He might have saved himself by the bell that rang 3 hours earlier than my proclaimed deadline. Thus, my last post was written a bit prematurely. But it gives me more time to plan and get my proverbial sh!t together which will only put me in a better place anyway in the long run. The only way I want to leave on the emergency plan is if I’m backed in to a corner. Because I will leave on my terms, with my dignity in tact. I am finally standing up for myself, and as shallow as it might sound, I will not let him believe that he is leaving me under any circumstances. I need to do this for my own assertiveness building tool kit. I need him to know that I’m the one calling the shots and that I have the upper hand for the first time in this relationship.

It’s amazing to me that now that I have turned the tables and am basically pulling a him on him, that he doesn’t even know how to handle it. He seems pretty certain that I’m cheating on him. He thinks it’s ok for him to stay out all hours of the night and for the first time I’m not questioning him or wondering or worried about where he is. And now when I stay out with no checking in and things don’t seem to add up in his mind, I get the third degree when I come home. It’s hilarious to me that all the years he gave me reasons to be suspicious and I would act paranoid, he’d act as though not trusting him was an act of crazy making on my part. And here we are on the flip side and who is crazy making now? Him. When I have been 100% innocent in all that I do. Sure, some of the things that I am doing right now do seem out of the ordinary for me because I flipped a switch and some of them might sound a bit off, like the fact that a music groupI started subbing for is called “Hotel Paradise Orchestra”. But I swear, I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried. But this all gives him rise to be on alert that I am cheating and to be amping up the mindgames. And just because I am playing along, doesn’t mean my resolve has weakened.

I might be worried about the process of how everything will shake out, but I have never felt stronger and never been more excited or felt more ready to feel free. I can’t wait to get to the other side. They always say that you will keep repeating the same pattern until you learn your lesson and until you finally break the pathology. And this pathology that I have lived for 40 years will finally be broken for good. I can say with complete authority that I will never end up in a situation like this ever again. I can see this a mile away now. I am on to these people. I am strong enough now to stand up for myself. I won’t let anyone bring me down ever again.

I might always be an empath, but I have this neat little switch inside of me. And when I see with complete clarity someone or some situation for what it truly is in its full gory, painful details, I’m completely done and just don’t feel the good stuff anymore. And I don’t feel the hurt anymore. Annoyed, irritated, stung, empty maybe, but no more tears, no more knots in the pit of my stomach, no more love, no more longing, no more desire.

I look younger and thinner and more beautiful than I have in years. He thinks I strut around the house looking good and knowing I look good for the first time, probably in our whole relationship, because he always made me feel bad about myself and made me feel not good enough. For the first time, I found the confidence from inside myself and haven’t looked to anyone else for the validation. Probably all the more reason for him to think I’m cheating as well. Oh well, guess he should have appreciated what he had while he had it. Guess he should have made me feel loved and made me feel beautiful. Guess he should have made me feel like I was more important than all the other stuff he puts above me in his life. But he couldn’t, can’t and won’t. Because he’s a sociopath. And that will never change. It can never change. And that has nothing to do with me. I am worthy of so much more.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/strut/

Wolves and Sheep

In the same manner that people with Cluster B personality disorders feign emotions, I have had to mimic their manipulative masterminds. It has become a matter of my mental and physical survival in what has become the cold and harsh world of this empath.

I was raised by an adoptive father who has full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder and an adoptive mother who was raised by a mother who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, who then raised me with narcissistic parenting as well. She became the Flying Monkey of my Narcissistic father who treated me as his Emotional Partner because he didn’t have anything in common with my mother. So he smothered me and took over my life. My activities became his activities. Many of my friends saw this as a parent who loved his child and was just involved and were envious if they had parents who were absent from their lives. But my dad took it to a completely different extreme. Every. Single. Activity. I did, he was overly involved in. He was a co-leader of my girl scout troop. He was the Band Parents President of my band. He made a point of getting in close to MY friends, to make sure that my friends even sided with him whenever I was upset about something like teenagers get. I couldn’t even have friends who were on my side. It has a name. Emotional Incest. I was my dad’s surrogate wife.

My dad would do inappropriate things too. He was struggling with his sexual identity at the time (still does). At the time no one knew he was gay yet. We hadn’t caught him yet. But I had my suspicions, I just hadn’t told my mom yet. He found it funny to ooze out his gayness in other ways like sending postcards of naked men or men in bikini’s to other men (friends of his) anonymously and would send them from different states when he’d travel to try and throw them off so they wouldn’t know it was him. He told my friends about his little scheme. One of my friends who was laughing about it and placating him, my dad decided to do that to. He warned him about it, that he was going to do it and said it in a joking manner, but then he did it. A freshman or sophmore boy in high school receiving a postcard addressed to him in the mail of a guy in a bikini….awesome!!!! I am so lucky that friend and his parents had a decent sense of humor. That could have gone really bad.

It would make sense that I while still under the thumb of my dad, that I would be easily wooed by someone who on the outside seemed to vastly different from my dad, yet somehow apparently something deep inside of me knew something felt like home to me.

After meeting my birthdad, I also found out that my husband is much like him as well. In looks, mannerisms, the loner status, the background in how things went with the ex-wives, the rock music and rock musician potential (one having led more of the real lifestyle and one lacking the opportunity to but having the innate ability for it), both who ooze the brooding pessimism, etc….So even without having met this man, there was something encoded within me to have chosen these traits when choosing a mate.

It is said that we keep having situations attracted to us until we resolve them. And obviously this is a prime example for me. It is even more true to have been said for girls marrying their dads and boys marrying their moms, the Oedipus Complex. Apparently, I have fallen right in to that trap.

Yesterday I met with a friend who explores spirituality and psychology and philosophy much in a similar fashion to the way that I do. As we were discussing my present state of mind and how to become unstuck from my sick cycle of a carousel, she spoke of my need to forgive myself. She felt I needed to stop my self loathing and needed to forgive myself. I struggle with this concept because many of my hang ups were created from my childhood, when I was innocent and didn’t do anything to deserve the manipulation that was done to my mind which has become the voice which continues to play in my head on constant repeat. When she asked me to name one of the things that I struggle with that started when I was young and still continues, I named that I never feel smart enough. It turned into quite a visceral reaction (another thing I struggle with that I medicate in order to temper because that is something many people can’t handle about me, and it does become too exhausting for me as well). Feeling smart enough is a hard thing to feel confident about when I still have my dad letting me know (just a week and a half ago) that he doesn’t think so (even though I know he does), and my husband making comments that make me feel dumb from time to time. I have constant reminders when I might not be street smart enough or have an airheaded moment. They are always pointed out to me and I am made fun of for those moments.

I am starting to come to a conclusion that I am caught in another cluster cycle. One of a different strain this time, however. The headgames have just become what I do with some people in my life. I had to become good at them in order to mentally survive my childhood. Ignorance isn’t bliss in my world. With my intelligence constantly being challenged, I don’t like to feel as if the wool is being pulled over my eyes. I don’t like people thinking they can outsmart me and have control over me. I have tried to take the high road with these people, and when I have they only find some other way in the heat of the moment to take advantage of the fact that I am an empath and I don’t think fast on my feet and fear confrontation. And so I end up “losing” most fights. And so I have ended up playing their games back to them. Subtly letting them know in their own language that I am on to them and everything they try to hide from me and every way they try to get in my head. I let them know I am two steps ahead of them always. I never let on exactly how much I know but I always let them know in some way enough that they know the jig is up, and I watch them do a 180 and change their tactics.

Some people probably wonder if I do all of this manipulating and headgames, then doesn’t that make me a cluster b also? If you ask any of my nornal friends, they would all tell you that I don’t play any of those head games with them. I only do it with those who start them with me for survival purposes. One of these days this wolf will shed her sheep’s clothing and show that she really is the dominant wolf and she won’t be afraid of the vicious wolves any longer. For she has no need to scare with fear and gnarled teeth. She will lead with confidence and boundaries.

There is a question out there that asks, “Have you ever been so mad that you are calm?” I could also substitute the word mad for hurt. There have been a couple of times in my life that I have gotten to this point. And when I have, I have numbed out. I have flipped my Humanity Switch. The most significant time in my life that I did this I had done it for a span of about 4 years. It was after I got out a a relationship with an abusive ex boyfriend who was probably an NPD, and had just figured out about my dad being gay and confronting him about it. It was during this period of time that I ended up falling prey to my current situation. It seemed so opposite of everything I had known but subconsciously I must have known deep inside it was a return to home base, to the familiar.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/ooze/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/visceral/

My song of the day: Sheep by Pink Floyd

Under no one’s spell

There are many qualities about my personality that I consider to be highly unique and rare. Qualities that I don’t come across in many people, and if I do come across any of them, certainly not all of these qualities wrapped up in to one person. And while I’m incredibly proud of who I am due to these qualities, it also causes me to feel very lonely in this world, and makes relating to others much more complex.

-I am extremely empathetic. I feel so deeply for living things that I went flexaterian (part time vegeterian-eat meat when I’m out at restaurants, other people’s houses etc..) because I feel guilty eating animals. I am empathetic with people I am close to and my mood is easily shifted by others because I pick up on their energy waves and synch to them.

-I have a sort of psychic energy intuition gift where I can sense the truth about people. I can tell whether someone’s a good or bad person within minutes of meeting them. I can tell when there something wrong with people I know, even those I’m not that close with. I can tell by looking at them, hearing them speak, sometimes just by their demeanor. I can read people’s psychology and what they are up to many times. I often know more about a person’s intentions and real character than they know about themselves. This is all a gift and a curse.

-I admit when I am wrong. All the time.e, every time. If I am confronted by someone who says that I upset them, did something wrong, calls me out on hypocritical behavior, heard me say something about them behind their back that I was not able to say to their face etc…I never attempt to deny what I have done, and I apologize for my behavior. I do often try to explain why I did what I did, and often people try to tell me that I am passing blame by doing this. But they are misconstruing what I am saying. Perhaps it is because too many people in this world DO pass blame that it is a common defense mechanism to use that as a default setting. When I try to explain my mistake, I still have apologized and taken complete ownership of what I have done. And anyone who knows me knows that I am CONSTANTLY working on myself and that as any true apology should be, I follow my apology with changing my actions in the future. My explanation that follows my mistake is to try to give that person a little insight in to my headspace. But somehow that ends up getting turned around in to me placing blame. Because if their actions are mentioned anywhere in my explanation…God forbid they take ANY responsibility for their own actions too. Which tells me that their main goal in confronting me is to place blame on me rather than to heal a relationship, which should always be a cooperative and two way street. If and when the shoe is on the other foot, I accept what is said to me and I adjust my actions accordingly. Which is why my head resides in a constant state of guilt, more than most people in this world.

-I am a peace keeper and a people pleaser. I don’t like conflict. I fear conflict. I’m sure this is a result of the conplex-PTSD of my birth story and childhood and my abandonment issues and constant desire to feel loved and wanted. While everyone else has no problem with a random lurch whenever they are even the slightest bit irritated, I withhold almost all of my pain inside. Meanwhile, also being continuously affected by everyone else’s issues that they take up with me. And many people read me like a book and see that they can take less responsibility than a person should for their own life, because I will end up heaping it all upon myself and they can continue to unload on me as if everything were my fault. When in all actuality they should be equally, if not more, responsible for half the situations they place upon my shoulders.

Once upon a time I used to have a voice that I used more frequently. While I’ve always been scared of conflict, I didn’t seem quite as afraid to speak up as I am now. Years and years of attracting all the wrong people into my life has torn down my self esteem and caused me to constantly question myself and how I perceive the world. It is hard to trust myself when it has seemed like the majority disagree with me or believe my way of thinking is skewed.

I am starting to gain more confidence in my perspective through the lens of other people as of late. This is helping me see that I am not as crazy as others have caused me to feel for the majority of my life. I may have over-emotional responses sometimes, but somehow it seems that there is a very distinct dichotomy within me. Even if I have a knee-jerk emotional reaction, I am able to still see the raw information from an intellectual level and process it as such. I have been allowing my heart (emotions) to rule the roost as a monopoly. I need to let my head (intellect) start seeping in a little more.

I can see through people and all the games they play. They may think they have me in a trance, under their spell, but make no mistake. I am only operating out of a mixture of love and fear, but ignorance is never bliss in my world. I could be a private investigator if I wanted to. I am a truth seeker. People in my world are only getting away with things because I have been too scared to take the risk of changing the roles or changing the paradigm and my life’s course. I do care about the people in my life and constantly feel empathetic towards their struggles as well. But at some point I am going to love myself enough to put myself first. And many of the people in my life probably won’t like that version of me because they have gotten very used to getting their way.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/trance/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/lurch/

My song of the day is Me by Paula Cole

This has been one of my favorite songs since it came out. I feel it is a wonderful representation of who my soul is and how it is represented by my personality.

Sick Cycle Carousel

I feel like my life is in a constant state of emergency. And it is always such mainly due to the choices that everyone else makes that is in my life. And while I do take responsibility for making the choice for who I married which brought some of those people in to my life, and every day that I choose to stay married, I guess is also my choice, but there were choices that I didn’t make at the beginning of my life that shaped who I am. I did not choose to be taken from my birth mother. I did not choose to be put up for adoption. I did not choose the narcissistic parents that raised me. And all of this impacts, every day, how I react to my environment and the people that are in it. And yes, I know that no one chooses who they are born to. At least we don’t make those choices here on Earth. However, people who experience a normal birth with their parents, do not come in to this world with trauma from the second they were born, or even before that, from the moment they were conceived.

I have been traveling down a very independent spiritual path which began mainly once I reached college. There was always something inside of me that knew the religion(s) I was being taught and raised by when I was young weren’t the ones for me. When I made my confirmation at 13, I cried as I walked down the aisle, not because I was happy or moved, but because the priest had told us that confirmation was now our decision as opposed to Baptism which was our parents decision. But I still felt at 13 that it was my parents decision, because I was highly controlled by my parents at 13. There was no way I could tell them at 13 I didn’t want to be confirmed in the Catholic faith and that I didn’t really agree with what I was attesting to. I began researching many of the different religions when I reached college. I wrote all my research down in a large text book sized book with blank pages that I called a Book of Shadows, after the sacred book of Wicca.

I abandoned the research for a while after I filled the book and just did my own thing spiritually/religiously for a while and just floated about. Recently I began to seek more again in that realm and to read more on the topics again.

On my point that I made earlier about the fact that we don’t make our own choices about who we are born to, at least not while we’re here on Earth. I was alluding to my newly gained knowledge regarding the Akashic Records. While I don’t know much about the topic yet, it is something I intend to explore. Many of those that I have been in conversation with about spiritual topics speak of the fact that we/our souls write our own script and contract (in the Akashic Records) before each life time on Earth and that we do choose our own path, no matter how hard that may be to accept, that we may have chosen a hard path for ourselves for a specific reason. This is a hard nut for me to swallow as I have struggled a lot in this lifetime. And it feels as though the way that I have chosen to love my life in terms of my virtues and actions are not in karmic relation to what I am dealt. I am told that karma is built up over multiple lifetimes though. This is also a very difficult nut to swallow. It is hard to continue living a virtuous life in this lifetime when it doesn’t seem as though I will reap any benefit from it in this lifetime. I feel as though I am destined for a constant life of hardships this go around. It is hard to continue to live for the advancement of my soul to raise to a higher level for the next lifetime or dimension or plane when I won’t remember the experience as the person that I am right now. Somehow I know people make good with themselves for the idea of life in Heaven or whatever it is they believe for the afterlife. And maybe it is selfish of me to want to get some sort of reprieve within this lifetime. It is hard for me to look around at those for whom life sometimes seems so easy.

I have always been afraid of death. And I still am, but my soul and earthly psyche is exhausted. I am weary of all of this pain and struggle and horrifying stuff I keep experiencing and witnessing on Earth. I am mentally more and more ready to leave this Earth as each day passes. I am ready at age 40 to step off this Sick Cycle of a Carousel for good. This entire reincarnation journey. I hope I am awakened enough that I am close to the end of my path and ready to ascend the final staircase to Nirvana or Heaven or the highest astral plane, or whatever the final destination may be.

In my newer research studies of religions and spirituality, I have come upon another new term as well. Starseed. A starseed is defined as someone who originates from another planet or star/celestial body but resides here on Earth. This concept is one that is difficult for me to grasp as I was raised by very closed minded parents who are very conventional and poo-poo anything that is esoteric in nature. I feel as though I need to keep my mind open to things that I cannot know to be untrue. Especially when the characteristics of those who are defined as a Starseed fit who I am to a tee. There are very few qualities that do not describe me. Here are the traits of a Starseed.

• From a young age, you have had an inherent wisdom that usually comes later in life for other people.

• You’ve been told you’re an old soul and you agree. You feel ancient to the core

• No matter where you are, you always have a feeling of homesickness. You know what home feels like, even if you can’t express it, and you know that your house is not it. This may even lead to depression in some cases.

• Even as a child, you have always felt different, as though you are unique and others cannot understand you. You feel divided from the world — as if it is a constant battle of “them” vs. “you.”

• You often feel morally superior to others, regardless of education or social stature.

• Your sense of empathy is overwhelming.

• You feel different from those around you, however, you have a natural inclination to relate to their struggles.

• Your physical body is an enigma to doctors. It functions differently than everyone else’s and the medical world struggles to understand it. This may manifest itself in ways as small as a lower than average body temperature or inability to withstand heat.

• You are incredibly intelligent, but bored easily by traditional academics.

• You have had a paranormal or psychic experience. You may have seen a ghost, heard other’s thoughts, had dreams that became reality, etc.

• You feel as though you have a purpose or mission to fulfill, but struggle to find what you want to do with your life.

• You lack the passion or intrigue to truly devote yourself to one area and understand the banality of life.

• The physical limitations of your body often frustrate you.

• You feel as though you should be able to do more but are vexed by your restrictions. This is because Starseeds remember far more freedom in their physical form.

• Your dreams are vivid and exceptional, and waking life never seems to measure up. Often, your dreams will seem other worldly — as though your mind has created a completely separate universe.

• Others are often wary of you or feel uncomfortable in your presence. People instinctually know that you are different, but struggle to verbalize why. You may even feel isolated within your own family.

• You have very few friends, but those who are seem to understand you without need of explanation

• Animals trust you and are naturally drawn to you. You understand them to the point that it feels as though you can communicate. The same is true for babies and small children. They find you fascinating and seem mesmerized in your presence.

• You are interested in spirituality but see the divine beyond books and religion. You may not be able to put it into words, but you have a deep understanding that spirituality has always been an intrinsic part of you.

• You are drawn to metaphysics and the science behind other worlds.

• You can feel who people are without them ever saying a word. You see beyond the external façade and instinctually know when they are lying. You may seem rude in conversations because you know what the other person is going to say before they’ve even started. People think you are disinterested, when in reality you are frustrated by the pace of the conversation.

• From a young age, you questioned the ways of society and still feel perplexed as to how other’s don’t see its mistakes.

• Though your dreams are exceptional, you’ve always had trouble sleeping.

• You have a natural ability to make others feel better – whether through medicine or your words. Strangers will often open up about their problems without even realizing it.

• People’s first impression of you is often aloof or cold, however, once they get to know you, they consider you to be one of the most loving people that they know.

• You avoid large crowds and find it hard to handle people in large doses — even friends. To you, people are overwhelming and their emotions and actions seem chaotic.

• You have an ability to emotionally or spiritually grow much faster than those around you. Your sense of morality keeps you grounded, even when presented with emotions that are difficult for others to handle.

 

The older I get, the more solitary I feel in my plight in life. And yet I feel like all I am made to do these days is to serve others. And this is weighing me down and stifling the greatness that I know of inside of me. There are so many things I want to accomplish in life that have gone on the back burner because I am burdened by dealing with everyone else’s “stuff” in life. It feels like my life’s direction is hardly ever due to my own needs and desires and path. And even though I might not be the bread winner, as always, that is one of the driving forces as to why my own pursuits take a back seat. My role as a woman and mother is another reason that I become the responsible one for everyone else and have to be the self sacrificing one. And the fact that I take responsibility for my actions and deal with my problems instead of trying to escape them furthers my stuckedness. And right now the only vision I have to shift my priorities is to abandon my current life path altogether. And that is much easier said than done. But I have been making real steps towards this instead of just imagining it in my head and talking about it. It feels as though it will be a when rather than an if at this point. I’m scared and I’m sad, but I don’t know how else to fix things anymore for everyone. And I need my 40s to be better than my 30s. I spent 10 years stuck in a holding pattern, and my souls signature is better than this. The world deserves all I have to offer, and there is so much more that I have to put out there that I haven’t been able to with where I’m at and I won’t be able to if life continues this way. Working on finding my power.

Sick Cycle Carousel
By: Lifehouse

If shame had a face I think it
would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I’m tired of this
Well here we go now one more timeI tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this[CHORUS]
So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won’t stop
Till I step down from this for goodI never thought I’d end up here
Never thought I’d be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more timeI tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how long I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried yo beat this

[REPEAT CHORUS]
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick sycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah

[REPEAT CHORUS TWICE]
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel…

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/carousel/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/solitary/

 

Sunny Day Sweepin’ the Clouds Away

Sunny days sweeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is sweet, can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

The busy bee….sniffing around for which flower smells the sweetest on any given day. Only the youngest flowers waver and turn towards the sunny direction. The wiser, more mature flowers stand their ground and stay facing one direction. For they are confident that each morning the sun will rise in the East and they will get their due, but they also welcome the shade as the earth moves direction and the sun then provides shade in the latter part of the day. The wisdom of the older sunflower knows that it needs rest and shade from the constant heat and scorching ray’s of the sun.

As I was watching episode 4 of Smallville that I just started as another series to binge watch, one of those darned synchronicities happened while I write this. Image upon image upon image of sunflowers appeared throughout the episode. In copious amounts.

I know I had taken quite the hiatus from writing here, but I think I am reminding my niche again. So hopefully this means I will be back with a vengeance (and you will see that word pop up also in my song of the day-lol). I have also been engaging in very stimulating conversation in the past week with one of my.former college professors on Facebook (the evil social media that pushed me towards coming here as I felt completely unheard and unseen in that platform). Though the people I used to expect to engage with me there still generally aren’t, it is interesting to see who creeps up out of the woodwork as I started to go through one of my meme tangent diatribes. It engaged that former professor of mine and he and I have really had some wonderful conversation and he has pulled some great things out of me in the past week, so that has been refreshing as well.

Please excuse the flightiness of my post here. My mind is still a bit raw and a gaggle of rampant emotions and ADHD thoughts that can’t be suppressed by my normal meds because what I’m dealing with right now is above and beyond the normal maintenance. So I may be a bit scattered for a while. It’s a step to get myself back here, never mind the editing or collecting my thoughts to be sure I am putting together something perfectly cohesive right now. So you will have to deal with the raw and mentally naked Alice in Wonderland right now. Hope that’s cool with y’all! And, can anyone tell me how to get to Sesame Street? I need to go back to someplace where life was a bit more simplistic…

 

My song of the day: Much in a similar manner as yesterday, it very much follows the daily word prompt (from last year on this day) and it also follows the theme of this post and what’s going on in my life right now. It is all melding together quite seamlessly, the daily prompts, the quotes, the songs, what I’m living through. Funny how things align some times and writing comes effortlessly at times.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/sunny/

Suffocate to freedom

Another day,

Another dollar,

Another dish,

Another holler.

 

Is this to what I’ve been reduced?

 

Where are the floodlit stages,

The music filled pages,

The circumstance and pomp,

The willowing womp?

 

For it is mine that takes a

back seat,

lack street.

Just because it doesn’t earn as much

cash flow,

roll in dough.

 

But at least with mine I

stretch it out,

fetch it out.

With yours, you only

hide it,

snide it.

 

I’m sick of all the

secrets, lies,

vices, ties.

 

It makes me cringe,

come unhinged.

 

Once I learn to free myself,

I can be myself.

I will suffocate no more.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/cringe/

Stranger than Fiction: From Birth to Eternity in Wonderland

I started the process of writing my book a while ago. People who’ve known me well and heard all of my life stories have told me that I needed to write a book because my stories are just so outlandish that people would think that they were made up, but they’re not. Many people, close friends even, have thought me to be a liar because of my Narcissistic adoptive Dad and how great he is at making everything seem so wonderful on the outside but no one lived with me behind closed doors. So I had no one to vouch for me. I believed I was the crazy one until 3 years ago.

But it was about 5 or so years ago that I had begun to write my book. That was before I made contact with my birth parents. And once I did, I stopped the writing process, because I knew there would be alot of changed details from what I had been told and thought to be true. And recently I decided that I wanted to pick it back up again, but I was blocked as to how to restart the process. I was originally planning on a novel that was written in a fiction style but that was generally autobiographical, with names and such changed. But how to link together all the main events that I wanted to touch on and make smooth transitions with was the challenge.

And then, by a miraculous stroke of insight, the idea for a complete change of format, something completely unique came to me.

Once I found out my birth name, Mary Alice, I began feeling a kinship to that name through the name Alice in particular and seeing parallels of my life to the tale of Alice in Wonderland, as you have all seen through the theme of my page. Each character in the Alice in Wonderland story easily represents someone in my.real life story and many of the allegories that have been made about the Alice tale are quite fitting as well to my journey as well.

The way I am now writing my book is a very unique format, one that has not quite been done before. And that could be a good or a bad thing. But it will definitely catch attention either way. And it won’t be the same ole same ole. I am hoping that it will be something that would be so fresh that publishers would want to run with it.

I am sort of telling my autobiography still, but I am telling it through the Alice characters now. But the Alice characters will represent who they represent in my life, which also means some gender changes for the well known characters. I am telling the tale in snippet like sections and interspersing it with my own pre-written quotes that sort of summarize the philosophies and things to be learned from each section of the stories. I am going to do my own drawings of the revised characters and use my own artwork. The Alice (young and innocent Alice-there might be morphing Alice pictures through the decades) character at the top is just a play with an avatar making app to get some ideas before I start sketching them out.

There are several other components that will make it unique, but I am hoping that it will be a cool mixture of using a whimsical fairytale as a catharsis to tell a droll tale of my life in order to help others see perspectives on things they wouldn’t have otherwise seen, or to help people who are going through or will go through situations similar to mine with my appropriately timed inspirational and anecdotal quotes interspersed throughout the retold fairytale. And retold fairy tales are all the rage these days among adults as well. So, I am really hoping that this will be a smash hit. It is writing itself so easily. As soon as I got this idea, I already wrote through my birth and adoption and am starting my first decade of life. I am super pumped.

The White Rabbit-who is female because the White Rabbit is my birth mom….

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/miraculous/