Emotional Rollercoaster

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I know I’ve been MIA a bit…with my stepdaughter moving back in after her break up with her boyfriend and subsequent stay in the psych hospital, my life has been turned upside down again. I know this is the time I need to write the most, but I just haven’t even been able to pull myself together enough to do that. This is why I’m just trying to even drop this little note to get back in to it, even if only the first step. At least it serves as a reminder of what I need to do to keep sane through a time I can already feel myself sliding down a slippery slope, very quickly. As things start to settle in, I will make it a priority again to get back to writing here. It is essential for my well being. I haven’t even been able to express myself through my music, because the school year came to a culmination and I hadn’t even been able to get myself together enough to email everyone about scheduling, especially since I teach a decent amount out of my house, and my house has been a holy wreck for a month now due to my crazy end of the year recital stuff and my step daughter moving back in, which entails a whole ton of moving things around within our house to get a room ready for her again and moving a lot in to a storage unit. One big ball of chaos and in flux again. I just don’t know how much more of this life (style) I can handle. I’m tired of my life being shaken up by everyone else. It might be time for me to do some shaking of my own…

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Juxtapose my love

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You are correct. I don’t know what it’s like for MY child to want to snuff herself out. Even though I treat of and think of my stepdaughter that I raised beginning at age 11 full time as my own, it is different than it being my own child. But you presume that it means that my pain is less than yours.

I know I always speak of my adoptive parents saying how they thought of me as their own but that I always felt the difference and that I always knew deep down that I was second best to them. They wanted their own biological child first, when they couldn’t have that child, they sought out the “backup plan” which was adoption…ME. And when I didn’t live up to their expectations, they were quick to point out how my genetics were to blame. My adoptive parents are Narcissists. They never wanted what was best for me. They wanted what was best for themselves. They wanted a child for themselves, so that THEY could feel loved, so that THEY could fill the hole they felt.

The difference is, that where my adoptive parents told me the chosen child story, the reality of it was that I was the backup plan. But I really did chose my life with my stepchildren. I fell in love with the thought of a life with them. And that was never something I would have seen for myself at 23. And despite everything I went through in raising them, being extremely young, fighting a battle against a mother who made me out to be a monster, fighting my own demons, and feeling like my stepchildren despised me, I stood by my stepchildren and you through it all.

And even when things got so hard that my stepdaughter and I parted ways, even when I was so hurt that I couldn’t even look at her when she was in the room, we began to work through it a couple of years later. And now, we are in such a good place and we understand each other and are extremely close, a place I never imagined 10 years ago that we would ever be.

Despite how much hurt I endured, how much I put in to my relationship with my step kids, to feel rejection time and time again for so long, my biggest fear because of my birth story, I still opened myself up to it again and took a chance again with both of them.

So although it is different for me than it is for you when you juxtapose how you feel about your daughter wanting to snuff herself out with how I feel about my stepdaughter wanting to snuff herself out, please don’t presume that you know how I feel. Because you don’t. It might be different, but that doesn’t mean that my pain is any less than yours. I do have a biological child, so I can compare and put myself in the headspace of what it might feel like if it was my biological daughter. You have never been a stepparent, you have never been an Adoptee, you have never experienced what I have experienced and still continued to care and come back because you can’t stop loving those children. My adoptive parents never modeled unconditional love for me, and yet somehow I found out what that was through being a stepparent, because despite my many mistakes through their teenage years, I did always try and have tried to better myself and have worked on things so that I can be a better stepmom for them, something my adoptive parents never afforded me. So, my pain should not be looked down upon or invalidated simply because she’s my stepdaughter. You have no clue what my experience has been, so please, stop comparing our pain just to show how much worse your life is than mine right now.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/juxtapose/

Guilt, Fear and Shame

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There are two emotions that I feel very predominantly in my life: Guilt and Fear. I have felt them for as long as I can remember. Many people throughout my life have instilled those two emotions in me and then perpetuated their continuation. Due to my comfort zone of “sameness”, I have allowed it to continue. I have come to the realization that so much of my guilt and fear (aside from the fear that is actual survival type Darwinian fear), stems from many of the characters throughout my life holding alot of shame about their own actions or about their own identities. Because they were so ashamed of themselves and feared others opinions, they instilled fear and guilt in me in an attempt to silence me. But it is out of their own shame. And so, doing something like what I am doing here, writing for myself, to get things out of my head, to vent, to complete strangers, under an alias, secretively, still causes me stress, guilt and fear. I fear that someone I am writing about will find this and be angry with me for expressing things I am “not allowed” to express otherwise. I feel guilty for not being able to say some of these things directly to these people because our communication is so far gone, and I am partially to blame for that as well, but I am broken. But I am trying. I try every day, all day, to fix myself. That is what I am trying to do here. But it wouldn’t be viewed as that. It would be viewed as me talking about them “behind their backs”. But I do honestly live by the fact that I wouldn’t say anything about someone behind their backs that I wouldn’t be willing to admit that I said about them to their face if confronted. And if I had a better communication line with these people, I would be able to work through these things with them. But somewhere along the line, fear was created in me and caused me to withdraw in to myself which prohibits me from having the ability to confront the things I am feeling directly with them. Or sometimes there are things that they are just not able to grasp because we are in different places of development as souls on this journey in life. I, personally, don’t think that I am doing anything wrong here by writing and expressing how I feel. And if any of the people I write about were doing the same about me, if they said things that I were hurt by, I would have a different reaction then they would. I wouldn’t be mad at them. I would be hurt. I would be hurt that they felt they couldn’t talk to me about how they were feeling. Especially if it was a flaw about me that I needed to work on. If they were being catty, then it just says something about them, and then that is their problem and then yes, I would be mad at them if they were calling me names. That’s a little different. But if they were just writing about their honest feelings and I came across it, I would just be hurt. But I am pretty confident that those I write about would be mad at me and take it out on me in some way thinking I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. And on the one hand, yes I should have the courage to speak to them about it rather than “talking to strangers” about it, the reason I don’t is again fear. Because I have been met with so much anger in the past whenever I do try to bring up things that need to be worked out, that I don’t feel that much gets accomplished, or I don’t feel heard, or I feel invalidated, or I feel we go around in circles, or some other emotion is evoked that scares me or is pointless. But living with the constant thoughts that swirl in my head without being able to express them has truly been killing me for the past several years, and I need some outlet it has been a big contributor to my depression, and I need something, and this is one of my something’s. So I guess I will continue to live with the guilt and fear of being found out because it still beats the depression of living with the pent up thoughts and inner arguments and tail chasing. Because I do know that I am not wrong for doing this. I will deal with the consequences should I ever be found out for doing this. Sometimes fate inserts itself for a reason.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/guilty/

Disappear

My song of the day: Disappear by Evanescence…….This song is very personal for me for how I feel about someone in my life that struggles with addiction and my own demons with people and addiction (since it was addiction to prescription drugs that was the catalyst for my adoptive mom to become a background presence in my life but then to turn things around on me and become jealous and angry with me when I became closer to my adoptive NPD father). So continuing to hang around in the hopes that I will finally become more important than the addiction hurts over and over, every single day and I don’t know how long to hold on and keep hoping and believing I will win in the end and finally be number one in someone’s life for once.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disappear/

Love and debt

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The following words are from a Sociology paper I wrote back in college. While I still believe in my own words that I penned, there is but a slight difference. The view of my parents has been greatly altered. And I am proud that my views are still the same, despite the fact the parents are the type to hold money over my head after all, and that my parents didn’t sacrifice or give of themselves in the way I thought they had.

 

What I owe my parents and friends
To say that I owe something to someone suggests that I am in debt to someone and I am expected and required to repay that person or people. Where the word owe exists, love (namely unconditional love) cannot.
A true act of love, as performed by a friend or family member, is selfless. As a friend and family member myself, when I give of myself, in one way or another, I do not expect to be repaid. The only thing I can hope for of a loved one to whom I gave is appreciation. I hope that as I expect nothing in return that they appreciate what I have done for them and that they did not expect it of me in the first place. When I give of myself, I hope that there is someone or something of this world that can return that favor when I am in need. I shall never expect this of anyone in particular because there are several people with whom I associate in a love relationship, and of those people there are some more needy than others. I tend to give more to my needy associates and less to those who are at a better standing in life. Of those more needy of associates I hope for nothing in return because I give, knowing they are oft not in a position to return that which I did for them. I can only hope from my less needy associates for them to be there for me when I am in need, but this I do not expect, only hope.
In the case of my parents, I believe that my parents gave of themselves out of love for me, and where love exists, the word owe cannot. Therefore I owe my parents nothing. However, if my parents, or friends for that matter, are in need of something which I can give, I would expect it of myself to give to them because they have done the same for me, or would have if the situation were reversed. My parents have sacrificed much for me, and I believe that all they want, note not expect, is for me to appreciate what they have done for me, and for me to use those gifts of theirs to the best of my ability. I believe that my parents only want to see me succeed in life, and I believe that is what I can return to them. They sacrifice monetarily so that I can have a good education so that I can do well in life, not so that they can hold it over my head someday, although some people and parents do this. As my father always says, he might as well spend it now on me because it will only be less I get in the long run, because when they die I will inherit it all anyway. I believe that I should do the best I can in school, not only for myself because it is my life that will benefit or suffer, but also for my parents because they have sacrificed in order to give me a good education to help me succeed in life. I know that as a future parent this is what I desire from my children. I hope that I will bring them up in the right way so that they may sacrifice of themselves when I am in need as their parent, but this I cannot expect, once again, I can only hope.
When I do a favor for someone, or give of myself all I hope for is to be appreciated and for the favor to be returned if I am ever in need. I do not even expect the particular person I gave to necessarily to return that favor, but just that someone would be there for me when I am in need. I feel I owe nothing to anyone, but yet I am indebted to some and I intend to repay whether it be with appreciation or a shoulder to cry upon, and I can only hope that others view this in the same light as I.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/slight/

 

 

 

 

Rebels Rebel

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They say that everything we do in life, all of our decisions, and how we operate, are borne from and driven by two emotions and two emotions alone: Love and Fear.

In a similar manner to my blog post from the other day regarding truth and love being inextricably woven together for me, I think that fear and love have also been very closely tied together since birth as well, due to my adoption status.

Every baby is fearful when they first arrive in this world. That is why every baby cries. But they are comforted very shortly thereafter by their mother. And that sends the message to all those newborns that fear can be satiated by love, that love is more powerful than fear, that fear might be a primal instinct, but that there is someone there to count on right away to provide love for you to overcome that fear. That provides security for newborns, it helps to develop self esteem because they come in to the world feeling unconditional love. This provides them with the always present subconscious knowledge throughout their lives that there will always be love to combat fear, which hence provides them the space to develop self-love and to thrive appropriately on the psychological level as they grow and go through the various trials and tribulations that life will invariably throw their way.

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Even before taking our first breath in the world, adoptees absorb the negative emotions felt by our birth mothers through the womb. And even if love is one of them, that love is still shrouded in pain, fear, sadness, anxiety, anger and more…We intrinsically know that our births are not a celebration of love, but a time of pain. The movie “Gifted” made me think about this and I wrote about it in one of my earlier blog posts Here

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I lived with a love in my heart for my birthmom growing up, a love that I had to keep to myself because I lived in fear. Fear that I would lose the love I thought I had from my adoptive parents because they instilled a fear in me. They made me fearful that I would lose them should I ever search for my birthmom because they would feel betrayef, so I had to keep my feelings of love for her to myself and they kept me in fear and put me in charge of protecting their feelings as a young child rather than them protecting me. Their fear was more important to them then love.

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Being the adoptive child of some with Narcissistic Personality Disorder programmed me even further to live in constant fear. I never knew when he would explode at me or when he would just be in a bad mood for whatever reason. There was constant yelling in the house. As an adult, I have become familiar with the the diagnosis of Complex PTSD. People have often heard of PTSD, but not Complex PTSD and there is a difference between the two.

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My adoptive dad turned my adoptive mom in to his flying monkey, which wasn’t hard to do because she lived in fear of her mother her entire life. My adoptive mom seems to think she can exert power over children, that’s the only people she thinks she can control. She still attempts to control both me and my daughter, but is constantly met with frustration when her attempts at control are met by our strong personalities that won’t be held down by her.

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I bounce back and forth. I often act compliant out of constant fear. Someone posted on Facebook yesterday that it is more of the bodily sensations we feel when we are required to do something outside of our normal range of experience that causes us the “fear” and inability to do what we need to do and causes the lack of courage. I do rebel enough that I am the biggest threat either of my adoptive parents have ever known. I don’t rebel in the sense of being a rebellious child. They were lucky enough that I am who I am morally, and not thanks to them, because I would guarantee that any other child put in their care would have been far more rebellious than I was, in terms of being a drug user, alcoholic, partier, having sex at a young age, pregnant before marriage etc…For how much they have attempted to control me, I speak out against them more than anyone else in their lives. Even though it scares me so much when I do. I literally have to work myself up to it for months if it is a planned thing. If they trigger me in a moment and cause a primal reaction, then I speak up because they have already stirred that bodily sensation and I roll with it since I already feel that knot in the pit of my stomach. So if I am already there, I might as well express it all before the moment is gone. But if they do things that are less insidious where it is a slower “mind fuck” situation, and it eats away at me over time, then it takes me months to work uputhe courage to confront them with my boundaries and speaking my peace.

One of my new favorite TV shows that I keep referencing, “Perception” poses the question/dilemma:

-Fear can override rational thought. Can we override our most primal instincts? Condition ourselves not to react out of fear?

In order to finally love myself, as my friend has told me is the thing I need most in my life right now (especially since no one who was supposed to display what love really was to me, and model that unconditional love is did that for me), I must, as the top meme on this page states, rebel against myself (and my own personal primal instinct-which I think is actually different from the majority) and do what I fear most. Only then will I truly love myself. Only when I have the courage, in spite of fear, will love prevail for me.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/rebel/

My song of the day is: He’s a rebel by The Crystals

This goes along with today’s word prompt as well as my writing on the theme as well. My adoptive parents never approved of any of the men I dated. With being a Narcissist, my dad never would have anyway, but I did tend to date more of the rebel type. Partially to rebel against them and what they stood for, partially because anyone they would have “on paper” found suitable for me would have been boring to me. But also, once I met my birthdad, who I chose as my husband made perfect sense to me. It really is true that girls marry their daddies (not in a gross way). I didn’t even grow up with my birthdad and knew nothing about him, and I married someone exactly like him in so many aspects it’s scary (that will be one of my next blog posts!) Stay tuned for that one-you’ll want to read that one-its pretty fascinating and uncanny really.