Near and Abroad

Her name is Alice

In 3 days I get to see one of my favorite bands in concert not too far from where I currently live. A little less than three years ago I saw Shinedown in Concert for the first time. I saw them abroad. Well, abroad from where I currently live, yet it was actually the exact town that is listed on both of my birth certificates. You read that right. I’m one of the priveleged citizens to have two birth certificates. One is my real one, but is the one that was hidden from me until 2 years ago, locked away, sealed, until the state I was born in was one of the ethically just states to pass the law to unseal adoptees OBC’s (Original Birth Certificates). And the other, “official” birth certificate that I use to identify myself for the entirety of my life is a legally falsified document. The only type permissible in our country without penalty. I’d be penalized for using my real one. When I finally obtained my real one it had stamped in red all over it “to be used to historical purposes only.” The duplicity of my innocence and my curiosity, eternalized on documents with different names, born on the same day, in the same city with different parents listed, yet somehow both papers are a representation of my brain, my soul, my physical self. But the one thing I am left with with is dichotomous pain. Welcome to the party that reigns inside my head.

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My Song of the Day: As I prep to attend my second Shinedown concert this week (which has become one of my top 10 favorite bands of all times within the past 3-4 years), here’s one from their latest album that is apropos to my current state of being these days…

 

 

DARKSIDE

By: Shinedown

Can you hear me? Am I speaking clearly?
Are you starstruck or just made of stone?
Do you need a savior? Some bad behavior?
Or you could cash it all in, I suppose

Because you’re in deep, resist and repeat
Face forward and don’t come unhinged
Block out the actors and all these bastards
That took all the fun out of rage and revenge

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Spare me your sorrow, there’s no tomorrow
That’s an empty promise at best
I tried to play nice, you were baptized in ice
So don’t tell me you’re just depressed

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Your equilibrium has been spun all around
And everything you know turned upside down
The symptoms are contagious so please be advised
So welcome to the darkside

Don’t be so quick to judge, reign havoc from above
I think I’ve had enough, time to raise the dead
It’s all subliminal, supernatural
I might be mental but I’ve still got my cred

So welcome to the party, won’t you please come inside?
Where habits have teeth and the words carry knives
You enter at your own risk, so don’t be surprised
Welcome to the darkside

Your equilibrium has been spun all around
And everything you know turned upside down
The symptoms are contagious so please be advised
So welcome to the darkside

(Darkside, darkside) Welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) Welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) So welcome to the darkside
(Darkside, darkside) So welcome to the darkside

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I’ll be watching you

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Many think I’m crazy. You play the game to position me as such. But I know better. I’m as sane as they come. Sure, I may miss the mark sometimes which makes my “accusations” sound crazy, but most of the time the craziest part is that I’m spot on, and you know it. And it scares the Bejesus out of you. You think you hide it so well, until I reveal something I have caught you in, or something I know, or suspect. And then you play the game right back to me, making it all seem like one huge scary coincidence.

CoincidencesAA

I don’t put it past you to have a watchful eye in the sky. Or an always listening ear somewhere near. George Orwell I always have given accolades to as a genius long before his time.

BigBrother

Making nice right now. Holding on until the foundation breaks. Until I see my out. Until I feel secure to go it alone. Until everything is in it’s place. Until then, you go ahead and keep sucking up to those who made me not see through you all these years. The reason you changed your tune and flipped a 180°, because you saw green. As soon as you heard we were back in, cha-ching, I’m of value to you, and you want to play again and think that maybe, just maybe you can tow the line and hang on till their end. Heck, it can’t be too much longer now, can it? Surprise, surprise, I’ll be long gone before they will and so will their money, and you won’t be getting any of it just like the original deal was. Takes one to know one, and maybe he did have something right after all. Maybe he did really see you for what you were from the get go. Maybe that was one of the few things I should have listened to him about all those years ago…Cluster B’s are a cluster. I’m sure you’ll slip soon enough to make it unbearable enough where it will be easy and the right time. Until then…Hanging by a watchful moment here with you.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/02/24/your-daily-word-prompt-watchful-february-24-2019/

 

Real Eyes

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“Real eyes realize real lies” –Unknown

Earning my doctorate degree in acting. Hanging on and playing my role until I can get myself in the position I need to feel comfortable with my exit strategy. I’m sure I’m suspected. I’m sure all of the current road blocks we’re strategically planted. I’m sure it’s all a ruse just to delay my intentions, to make it harder, to make me second guess myself, to keep me roped in. News flash. Nothing will work. It might stall, it may derail temporarily, but when my mind is made up, nothing will shake me from my course. It may take me longer to get there. And that is why it sometimes takes me longer to make my mind up with larger life decisions, because once I do decide, I don’t turn back. I see it all, plain as day. There is no pulling the wool over my eyes any longer. Even if I occasionally falsely accuse, I live no longer in naivete. I call your shots before you make them. I predict your moves before you make them. You read like a faithful old book that I’ve read a thousand times. One day I will step in to my new life. I’m on the path. My eyes see through the veil to the other side. I can see all obstacles in my way, but I can still see the other side. Because my eyes are real.

 

 

Pageant

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Beauty only my eye beholds now.

6 word story. December Reflection

 

 

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/12/09/your-daily-word-prompt-pageant-December-9-2018/

Looking Glass

altreality

To move forward, I must rewind…

6 Word Story Challenge

 

#6WordsBetter

Transgender origins

ninjadragonlings

I often have pretty random thoughts, that I personally think are insight from another realm. These random thoughts are often not based on any research, and when I do research them, I often find nothing to support my idea. Meaning that it has not been researched or possibly even explored or thought of. While that may make it seem like my ideas are far-fetched and caused by my eccentricity, I beg to reason that every time tested theory began as a wild idea at some point, something that people thought was completely far-fetched and impossible.

I often receive many of my answers to life’s questions in the same manner that I download these random thoughts. While I have no background in science and the medical field whatsoever, I feel that there are some things that I have an innate ‘knowing’ about. Perhaps, if you believe in reincarnation, I was in the medical field in a past life and have carried over some of the natural logic in to this life with me. My husband often makes fun of me for “over-diagnosing” everyone and everything, but I am often right. While many of the things I have proven to be right on have not been proven by scientific tests, after I have come up with a medical diagnosis theory on someone, I have ended up having a doctor confirm those diagnoses or some other piece of hard evidence favor my opinion. For example, years ago I began to suspect I had ADHD. While I know this is a very over-diagnosed syndrome, I found definitive relief in taking medication for it. Years later when I found my birth family, I found out that ADHD ran in my genetic line, one of the few things that my birthdad mentioned when I asked about any health concerns on his side.

So, this particular random thought of which I speak is regarding children/people who end up being transgender. My daughter has Asperger’s, and often with Autism and Asperger’s, many of the children end up being transgender or more comfortable dressing as and acting more in the role of the opposite sex than the one they were born in. This is mentioned in what is considered by many to be “The Bible” of Asperger’s research, the book by Tony Attwood about Asperger’s Syndrome. My daughter started to show many signs of feeling more comfortable with boys toys and speaking of wishing she was a boy as early as age 5. She is now 11 and cut her hair in a “boy cut” 2 years ago. Most people who don’t know her refer to her as a boy when they first meet her.

While I know that her propensity towards transgenderism is linked to the fact that she has Asperger’s, the thought ran through my mind one day that I had a miscarriage only 3 months before I got pregnant with her. I was 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant with twins when I miscarried. I had a D&C. Because I have a negative blood type, I always had to get the rhogam shot with each pregnancy, miscarriage and delivery so as not to affect any subsequent pregnancy. So, if a former pregnancy blood type can affect a subsequent pregnancy, and there is research that cells do stay behind and affect the mother sometimes and subsequent pregnancies, is there a possibility that cells from former pregnancies could affect gender tendencies. I wasn’t far enough along to find out whether the twins I was pregnant with were boys or girls. But I wonder if perhpas they were boys and the male hormones were left in my body and perhpas absorbed in my daughter once I conceived her, thus giving her a higher percentage of male hormones, especially if both of the twins were boys, it would have been an even higher concentration.

I thought of this again today because a friend of mine sent me a video about chimera twins. I was always obsessed with twins as a child. Being adopted, there was always something in the back of my mind wondering if it was a possibility if I was a twin. My adoptive parents told me that of both twins were put up for adoption that they would have adopted my twin as well. At one point I read a statistic that 92% of all people who were born left handed were originally conceived as a twin and that the other twin was absorbed before being detected if they werent born as live twin births. I was born left handed (and switched because my adoptive parents were raised Catholic and under the spell that left handed people were the mark of the devil). When I went for my sonogram and found out I was pregnant with twins, the first thing they asked was whether I was a twin or whether there were twins on my side because twins usually run genetically on the mothers side. There is one set of twins on my birthmoms side, two of my first cousins are twins. But the video today about chimera is about the absorbtion of twins and having two sets of genetics in the same person, which my best friend sent me because she knows my obsession with twins and how I’ve felt that maybe I was a twin. One of the things included in the research about chimera was also about the cells left behind from pregnancies as well and how they can affect the mother and subsequent pregnancies, which reminded me of my theory of transgender and whether it might be due to previous miscarriages of opposite genders.

I would really love to do or see some research done on this. If you are reading this article and are transgender, or know someone who is transgender, if you could comment with whether you were born after a miscarriage that your mother had, that would be really awesome. And ifiyou were and know the gender of the miscarriage that your mother had and whether it was opposite to the one you were born as, that would be even better. This is all just to placate my whim of a thought/idea  and to see whether it would even be worth pursuing any further. Even if it just strips the varnish off my idea, I’d still rather know whether it’s worth thinking about any further. Thanks in advance if you do comment with any info that could help, in either direction. I am always willing to be wrong too.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/varnish/