Many think I’m crazy. You play the game to position me as such. But I know better. I’m as sane as they come. Sure, I may miss the mark sometimes which makes my “accusations” sound crazy, but most of the time the craziest part is that I’m spot on, and you know it. And it scares the Bejesus out of you. You think you hide it so well, until I reveal something I have caught you in, or something I know, or suspect. And then you play the game right back to me, making it all seem like one huge scary coincidence.
I don’t put it past you to have a watchful eye in the sky. Or an always listening ear somewhere near. George Orwell I always have given accolades to as a genius long before his time.
Making nice right now. Holding on until the foundation breaks. Until I see my out. Until I feel secure to go it alone. Until everything is in it’s place. Until then, you go ahead and keep sucking up to those who made me not see through you all these years. The reason you changed your tune and flipped a 180°, because you saw green. As soon as you heard we were back in, cha-ching, I’m of value to you, and you want to play again and think that maybe, just maybe you can tow the line and hang on till their end. Heck, it can’t be too much longer now, can it? Surprise, surprise, I’ll be long gone before they will and so will their money, and you won’t be getting any of it just like the original deal was. Takes one to know one, and maybe he did have something right after all. Maybe he did really see you for what you were from the get go. Maybe that was one of the few things I should have listened to him about all those years ago…Cluster B’s are a cluster. I’m sure you’ll slip soon enough to make it unbearable enough where it will be easy and the right time. Until then…Hanging by a watchful moment here with you.
I guess there is no more mystery as to when it will happen. He thinks he’s calling the shots by not coming home tonight, but he’s got another thing coming when I tell him the next time I see his face today that I want a divorce. If he thinks this is a scare tactic, or that he is leaving me with this maneuver, he is sorely mistaken. The only reason I have even hung on for this long is because I have been trying to buy myself some extra time to get things together to make a smoother transition for all of us involved on my side of it. But I guess he is going to make that an impossibility. Because that’s what sociopaths do.
And I’m already anticipating all of his moves in the aftermath of this. And since I figured out that he is a sociopath, I have been able to predict with scary accuracy his every move. I see every gaslight, every headgame and how they will play out in the end. I know if I respond to his moves a certain way exactly what his counteract will be. I have had 40 years in training with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Adoptive Father to be wise to this. My Cluster B husband underestimates my intelligence and grossly overestimates his own. I think he must be a Narcopath since he thinks he is much slicker than he is.
I have allowed him to think he hasn’t been caught in a good majority of things. He has NO clue the amount of things I know. I let him know some of the things I know, so he knows I’m on to him and that I’m not completely ignorant. But I hate confrontation. Always have. And I just don’t have it in me to fight over every single little thing he does. And God knows it’s a daily thing. And I shouldn’t have to. Not when he always tries to turn everything on me anyway which only plays on my self esteem. It’s just not worth it anymore.
Today is the day my life starts to begin again. One of the scariest yet most liberating days all at the same time. For anyone reading this, please keep me in your thoughts today. I will need all the good mojo I can get. I know it will be better when I’m on the other side, but it will be a tough ride for a while. And I’m scared for my 11 year old….
I feel like my life is in a constant state of emergency. And it is always such mainly due to the choices that everyone else makes that is in my life. And while I do take responsibility for making the choice for who I married which brought some of those people in to my life, and every day that I choose to stay married, I guess is also my choice, but there were choices that I didn’t make at the beginning of my life that shaped who I am. I did not choose to be taken from my birth mother. I did not choose to be put up for adoption. I did not choose the narcissistic parents that raised me. And all of this impacts, every day, how I react to my environment and the people that are in it. And yes, I know that no one chooses who they are born to. At least we don’t make those choices here on Earth. However, people who experience a normal birth with their parents, do not come in to this world with trauma from the second they were born, or even before that, from the moment they were conceived.
I have been traveling down a very independent spiritual path which began mainly once I reached college. There was always something inside of me that knew the religion(s) I was being taught and raised by when I was young weren’t the ones for me. When I made my confirmation at 13, I cried as I walked down the aisle, not because I was happy or moved, but because the priest had told us that confirmation was now our decision as opposed to Baptism which was our parents decision. But I still felt at 13 that it was my parents decision, because I was highly controlled by my parents at 13. There was no way I could tell them at 13 I didn’t want to be confirmed in the Catholic faith and that I didn’t really agree with what I was attesting to. I began researching many of the different religions when I reached college. I wrote all my research down in a large text book sized book with blank pages that I called a Book of Shadows, after the sacred book of Wicca.
I abandoned the research for a while after I filled the book and just did my own thing spiritually/religiously for a while and just floated about. Recently I began to seek more again in that realm and to read more on the topics again.
On my point that I made earlier about the fact that we don’t make our own choices about who we are born to, at least not while we’re here on Earth. I was alluding to my newly gained knowledge regarding the Akashic Records. While I don’t know much about the topic yet, it is something I intend to explore. Many of those that I have been in conversation with about spiritual topics speak of the fact that we/our souls write our own script and contract (in the Akashic Records) before each life time on Earth and that we do choose our own path, no matter how hard that may be to accept, that we may have chosen a hard path for ourselves for a specific reason. This is a hard nut for me to swallow as I have struggled a lot in this lifetime. And it feels as though the way that I have chosen to love my life in terms of my virtues and actions are not in karmic relation to what I am dealt. I am told that karma is built up over multiple lifetimes though. This is also a very difficult nut to swallow. It is hard to continue living a virtuous life in this lifetime when it doesn’t seem as though I will reap any benefit from it in this lifetime. I feel as though I am destined for a constant life of hardships this go around. It is hard to continue to live for the advancement of my soul to raise to a higher level for the next lifetime or dimension or plane when I won’t remember the experience as the person that I am right now. Somehow I know people make good with themselves for the idea of life in Heaven or whatever it is they believe for the afterlife. And maybe it is selfish of me to want to get some sort of reprieve within this lifetime. It is hard for me to look around at those for whom life sometimes seems so easy.
I have always been afraid of death. And I still am, but my soul and earthly psyche is exhausted. I am weary of all of this pain and struggle and horrifying stuff I keep experiencing and witnessing on Earth. I am mentally more and more ready to leave this Earth as each day passes. I am ready at age 40 to step off this Sick Cycle of a Carousel for good. This entire reincarnation journey. I hope I am awakened enough that I am close to the end of my path and ready to ascend the final staircase to Nirvana or Heaven or the highest astral plane, or whatever the final destination may be.
In my newer research studies of religions and spirituality, I have come upon another new term as well. Starseed. A starseed is defined as someone who originates from another planet or star/celestial body but resides here on Earth. This concept is one that is difficult for me to grasp as I was raised by very closed minded parents who are very conventional and poo-poo anything that is esoteric in nature. I feel as though I need to keep my mind open to things that I cannot know to be untrue. Especially when the characteristics of those who are defined as a Starseed fit who I am to a tee. There are very few qualities that do not describe me. Here are the traits of a Starseed.
From a young age, you have had an inherent wisdom that usually comes later in life for other people.
You’ve been told you’re an old soul and you agree. You feel ancient to the core
No matter where you are, you always have a feeling of homesickness. You know what home feels like, even if you can’t express it, and you know that your house is not it. This may even lead to depression in some cases.
Even as a child, you have always felt different, as though you are unique and others cannot understand you. You feel divided from the world — as if it is a constant battle of “them” vs. “you.”
You often feel morally superior to others, regardless of education or social stature.
Your sense of empathy is overwhelming.
You feel different from those around you, however, you have a natural inclination to relate to their struggles.
Your physical body is an enigma to doctors. It functions differently than everyone else’s and the medical world struggles to understand it. This may manifest itself in ways as small as a lower than average body temperature or inability to withstand heat.
You are incredibly intelligent, but bored easily by traditional academics.
You have had a paranormal or psychic experience. You may have seen a ghost, heard other’s thoughts, had dreams that became reality, etc.
You feel as though you have a purpose or mission to fulfill, but struggle to find what you want to do with your life.
You lack the passion or intrigue to truly devote yourself to one area and understand the banality of life.
The physical limitations of your body often frustrate you.
You feel as though you should be able to do more but are vexed by your restrictions. This is because Starseeds remember far more freedom in their physical form.
Your dreams are vivid and exceptional, and waking life never seems to measure up. Often, your dreams will seem other worldly — as though your mind has created a completely separate universe.
Others are often wary of you or feel uncomfortable in your presence. People instinctually know that you are different, but struggle to verbalize why. You may even feel isolated within your own family.
You have very few friends, but those who are seem to understand you without need of explanation
Animals trust you and are naturally drawn to you. You understand them to the point that it feels as though you can communicate. The same is true for babies and small children. They find you fascinating and seem mesmerized in your presence.
You are interested in spirituality but see the divine beyond books and religion. You may not be able to put it into words, but you have a deep understanding that spirituality has always been an intrinsic part of you.
You are drawn to metaphysics and the science behind other worlds.
You can feel who people are without them ever saying a word. You see beyond the external façade and instinctually know when they are lying. You may seem rude in conversations because you know what the other person is going to say before they’ve even started. People think you are disinterested, when in reality you are frustrated by the pace of the conversation.
From a young age, you questioned the ways of society and still feel perplexed as to how other’s don’t see its mistakes.
Though your dreams are exceptional, you’ve always had trouble sleeping.
You have a natural ability to make others feel better – whether through medicine or your words. Strangers will often open up about their problems without even realizing it.
People’s first impression of you is often aloof or cold, however, once they get to know you, they consider you to be one of the most loving people that they know.
You avoid large crowds and find it hard to handle people in large doses — even friends. To you, people are overwhelming and their emotions and actions seem chaotic.
You have an ability to emotionally or spiritually grow much faster than those around you. Your sense of morality keeps you grounded, even when presented with emotions that are difficult for others to handle.
The older I get, the more solitary I feel in my plight in life. And yet I feel like all I am made to do these days is to serve others. And this is weighing me down and stifling the greatness that I know of inside of me. There are so many things I want to accomplish in life that have gone on the back burner because I am burdened by dealing with everyone else’s “stuff” in life. It feels like my life’s direction is hardly ever due to my own needs and desires and path. And even though I might not be the bread winner, as always, that is one of the driving forces as to why my own pursuits take a back seat. My role as a woman and mother is another reason that I become the responsible one for everyone else and have to be the self sacrificing one. And the fact that I take responsibility for my actions and deal with my problems instead of trying to escape them furthers my stuckedness. And right now the only vision I have to shift my priorities is to abandon my current life path altogether. And that is much easier said than done. But I have been making real steps towards this instead of just imagining it in my head and talking about it. It feels as though it will be a when rather than an if at this point. I’m scared and I’m sad, but I don’t know how else to fix things anymore for everyone. And I need my 40s to be better than my 30s. I spent 10 years stuck in a holding pattern, and my souls signature is better than this. The world deserves all I have to offer, and there is so much more that I have to put out there that I haven’t been able to with where I’m at and I won’t be able to if life continues this way. Working on finding my power.
Sick Cycle Carousel
By: Lifehouse
If shame had a face I think it
would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I’m tired of this
Well here we go now one more timeI tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this[CHORUS]
So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won’t stop
Till I step down from this for goodI never thought I’d end up here
Never thought I’d be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more timeI tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how long I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried yo beat this
[REPEAT CHORUS]
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick sycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah
This weekend we spent in Kings Dominion. It was the first time we had been there since the new roller coaster “Twisted Timbers” had opened. That’s the one you see in the background there, stuck, halfway up the first chainpull hill…..Much of our trip this weekend was twisted like that. Our favorite mainstay coaster has been closed from park open to park close the last 4 times we’ve been to the park between last year and this year, that’s the Volcano. So this year, let’s see if I can even get this all correct…not only was the Volcano closed both days, we go to get on the Flight of Fear and it closes 2 rides away from us getting on board. Then we went back to it later only to get on it and actually get stuck WHILE on the ride. That’s right….as in, it took off, because it’s a linear induction coaster, 0-54 mph in 4 seconds and then right up in to an upside down loop. We made it halfway through the loop and came back down. Had to be pushed back to the station by 7 maintenance men and disembark. We didn’t get twisted enough on that coaster. Then I took the picture above of Twisted Timbers to send to my husband while he was checking in at the hotel to let him know as a warning that it was getting stuck too since we hadn’t even gotten on that one yet. After dinner we got on line for that one, got in the car, and had to get out before leaving the station. Someone’s harness didn’t seem to be registering or was going down and popping back up. It was seat number 51, whatever was going on. So we had to wait another 20 or so minutes before that was taken care of before we could FINALLY get on that ride. Which, by the way, was an AMAZING coaster. It is the only wooden and steel combo coaster on the east coast US and man did it take me by surprise as being way better than I thought it would be. Killer coaster of anyone lives over here and has the chance to go there. By nightfall, we start walking the queue for the Rebel Yell, get all the way up there to find out they closed it for the night….Sick, Twisted day.
The following day was no better, at any given time there were 3-4 coasters shut down at a time. That’s insidious for an amusement park. They shouldn’t be having that many problems with coasters on a daily basis, especially when they have people on them and they are getting stuck. Way not cool captains. I have anxiety, and I’m glad that anxiety didn’t really bother me with getting stuck on that coaster. Would it have been half way up a hill, I very well might have had some issues considering my fear of heights. If I would ever have to walk down the stairs on a hill from a coaster, I’d be no good sister….but that Twisted Timbers, check it out if you can….sweet ride ya’ll 😝
Many people are an either or: Coffee or Tea. I am Tea. Tea has become ritualistic. It has not become habitual yet, which I actually want it to be. It is something I do savor and revel in. I tie it to spiritual rituals, and that is why it hasn’t quite become habitual yet. I also struggle with drinking hot drinks when it is hot outside as well. Spiritual rituals are something that are very personal that I only engage in when I am alone, or when everyone is asleep, and at times I am too tired or too mentally worn out to get everything set up in the way I like to engage in my spiritual ceremonies. And so, I need to come up with some other ways to express and celebrate “Me and Tea Time” rituals without all the Pomp and Circumstance so that it can become more habitual. I am currently brainstorming on ways to shorten the length of the ritual, internalize the ceremony so that I can turn it inward in to more of a meditative state so that if others are present I can still have my time without being intrusive.
The picture is of a tea set I got for Christmas several years ago and only took out this year. It is aesthetically beautiful. I can’t say that it is my favorite in terms of flavor, as I personally prefer more herbal teas. But I truly loved watching the process of the blooming tea steep. It has such a calming and peaceful effect on the mind and soul. There are a couple of blooming teas that claim to be herbal teas as well which I plan to purchase and try with the hopes that they will satisfy both my taste buds and my aesthetic buds.
My daily life is permeated by lines. Lines everywhere. I am a musician: performer and instructor. The picture above is my music studio office at one of the schools I teach at. It is one huge conglomeration of a myriad of lines. Written music, the lines where the walls meet, the memes that I decorate with, the artwork I made which was more of a logical art piece that was a mathematical presentation in an artwork of a musical composition, one of my favorite flute pieces which is hanging on the wall towards the window (also made of lines itself). There are chairs, my flute, a music stand, bulletin boards, ceiling tiles, etc….All of which are very Stark and straight lines. There are also more fluid or curvy lines such as those of the trees peeking outside my window, the pictures inside some of the artwork hanging on my walls, the fluid lines of the clefs on the large staff paper on the wall on the far right which contains theories of a research project that is part of my life’s work that I intend to see to fruition and that I hope will be a part of my legacy and that I truly believe in and that I truly think could make a notable difference in the music field.
I read music all day long. Music is written on paper, paper made of 4 lines. The music itself that I and my students translate and transmute in to sound is transcribed on 5 horizontal lines and 4 spaces called a staff. There are vertical lines that divide the staff in to measures, which sort of punctuates the music and keeps it from looking like one gigantic run on sentence. The rhythm/length of the notes are notated by vertical and/or horizontal lines as well. The sharps, flats and naturals all contain lines. The articulations, how a musician tongues the note are mostly made of lines, some curvy and some are straight edged. And if any of those lines are printed in any deviation from what the musician holds in their brain to be associated with a specific note or rhythm, an unnecessary mistake will often occur. This is in a very raw form part of the basis of my research project. I am able to predict which printing variances produce specific mistakes and I believe I have figured out a way to make a preemptive strike against the potential and often iminent mistakes before they happen to many musicians, especially younger student musicians. I just need to get the right people to hear my theory and solution and I am confident that I can make a tremendous impact on the future of music education and performance consistency. The picture of the sheet music is one of my students exercises that is riddled with some of the deviations that have caused her several mistakes that I believe could have been avoided once I am able to develop my method once I find the company backing I am in search and in need of to get my idea off the ground. Fingers crossed to find the person who will be the right advocate soon.
This is my first nomination for anything and I am ecstatic! Especially because it is in one of my favorite realms. QUOTES! I was nominated by Lizardin
A huge thank you for my first awesomely exciting nomination!
Rules:
Thank the person who nominated you.
Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.
I am a truth seeker and a truth speaker. This is largely in part due to my personal history with lies and secrets from adoption, parental and romantic relationships. I detest hypocrisy and I would rather know a difficult truth than think a false lie that makes things seem easier. This meme is also graffitied on a house that looks eerily like mine, the money pit hell hole that was one of the worst decisions we ever made to purchase that is now falling apart at the seems and is drowning us and that we need to sink tons of money in to just to sell it. It is killing us financially and holistically and we don’t know the best, healthiesth, and quickest way out of this horrific mistake that is a daily life sucker outer.
One day at a time 