Exploring the light

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Today my friend, her energy was weary

Mine transferred to her

Today I felt more invigorated

Since we met, I’ve been clearing my space

Hers transferred to mine.

Reminding me of the heaviness of my soul

I must explore the light

And give it a chance.

I must lighten the burden upon my soul.

The burden others have placed there

And the burden I’ve allowed to remain.

It’s time to get back to who I am supposed to be.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/explore/

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Radiant heart

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From now on, this is me.

Today I met with a friend. A friend who sees that I have locked my heart away inside and put boxes, and cement and ice and steel around it. I have done this to protect my heart because it became weary and Leary of everyone after being hurt so much. She told me I need to learn to love myself. And to do that I need to unlock my heart. I haven’t known how to love myself, because I didn’t have good examples. I wasn’t shown proper love by most people, especially those who were supposed to love me. So working on learning HOW to love myself has to be my first mission.

I have a radiant heart underneath all of the layers of building material that I have buried it in. My heart still wants to see the good in people, despite how much they’ve hurt me. My heart still gives people more chances than they deserve, despite how much they’ve hurt me. My heart still does the right thing and takes the high road, despite how much they’ve hurt me.

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I have gone through the dark night of the soul. I am on the upside, I am emerging. I have seen through the veil of those who have ill intentions where I am concerned. I can decipher the realities from the masked half truths or cover-ups that some of those in my life try to pass off on me. I will no longer acquiesce in the manner that certain characters desire from me. I will no longer kow-tow to their way of life simply to be the peace-keeper.  I choose to stand in my own light. And if anyone doesn’t like it, that is their own issue to deal with, and I won’t let it affect me any longer, even if they attempt to turn the tables on me. I will stand firm from now on. I will live the life that is right for me.

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I’ve had too many people throughout my life cause me to feel ashamed of who I am, and cause me to feel that my emotional mood swings were too much to handle. My parents allowed the emotions, they allowed me to cry. But I was never to speak up for myself to them. If I were to ever “challenge” anything they said or be upset with them or call them out on something they did wrong, they reacted explosively and would hang up on me, stop speaking to me, or tell me “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Never would they accept any responsibility for their own actions. And so I grew up thinking and feeling as if I was always the one who was wrong in all situations. Even if I knew logically that it wasn’t true, that was how I reacted and felt emotionally in my heart. That was my physiological reaction every time I had a confrontation with anyone in my life, and still is.

After growing up in that atmosphere, my friends and boyfriends couldn’t deal with my emotional roller coasters. They blatently told me that I was difficult to deal with. I finally medicated for my anxiety, which is why I would cry every day, the emotional sensivity of everything that raced through my head was so overwhelming that it would be all-in-one using and flood my tear ducts. The anti-anxiety medication helped that aspect. I will always be an emotional person as I am an empath, but I don’t cry every day any longer.

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I have learned to be a little more secure in being who I am. When people take up issue with a personality traits of mine, or a behavioral quirk, unless it is something that I truly believe needs changing I am learning that their issue with it is their issue. So what if I get too loud sometimes, so what if I am more emotional than many people, so what if I dress flamboyantly, so what if I am eccentric. I am unapologetically an oddball. If people can’t deal with that about me, then I have no need for them in my life. Normal people are boring to me anyway. And judgmental people are too much like my parents and I have no room for more of that nonsense in my life.

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When I finally start loving myself and allowing my radiant heart to shine through, perhaps it will allow me to show everyone else in my life the proper way to treat me and that I won’t be walked all over the way people have stooped to low levels when ever there is a disagreement between myself and any one else in my life. I have taught them how to treat me this far. I have shown them that I don’t like confrontation and thus that they have an upper hand any time that we don’t see eye to eye. And I won’t allow that any longer.

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I am proud of my scars. I am proud of my past. I am proud of the battles I have fought. They build character. They give my musicianship depth. They allow me to relate to more people in life’s travels. I am resilient. Many people would have crumbled and been much less functional in my life’s shoes. I am proud that I have become who I am in the face of constant adversity. Now is my time. It is my time to turn the tables and choose what I will allow to affect me. It is my time to choose my own destiny. It is my time to block out choices that others have made for my life and for their own that have affected me, and to counteract those choices with choices of my own that will be the most beneficial for me. I choose to let my radiant heart shine, but to still be able to protect it from hurt. I choose me.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/radiant/

 

Non-Toxic Ordinary Day

“Non-Toxic”
By: SR-71

I’m one of those things you save forever but never need
Like an old newspaper no one has time to read
This child has grown into a dead end
Since I lost the power to pretend

But it’s alright, that’s who I am inside
Not much to say on this non-toxic, ordinary day

That’s no superhero standing right in front of us
So take this pocket full of kryptonite and beat it back to Metropolis
There’sonly room for one on this microphone
In my finest hour I’m still alone

But old news can change, as memories float downstream
So don’t judge me by my failures, only by my dreams

I have always loved this song, and these lyrics are very apropos for how I feel as well today in what I am dealing with in my personality and identity and what my long daily prompt post was about. Although today was NOT a non-toxic ordinary day, and there is much to say.

Highly toxic

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Today’s daily prompt couldn’t have come on a better day. Because today I spent around several of the most toxic people in my life and spoke to my best friend about some of the toxic people in her life as well. Most holidays for me are spent with toxic people. I am not strong enough to cut them out of my life. Most people do. For me, mine are my adoptive parents. And today’s array at Easter dinner also included a cousin’s husband that she married who has also added to the toxicity each time he is around as well. Luckily, my adoptive parents don’t live in the same state and only visit every couple of months.

I have a very difficult time with boundaries. And when I do finally get up the nerve to lay them down, I am treated as if I am the crazy one who has lost her mind. For the longest time, I was gaslighted in to believing I was the crazy one, but I finally see through the smoke and mirrors. But it takes a lot longer to recover my voice from a point of being afraid of confrontation and believing that I am always in the wrong.

I am ramping up for a confrontation with my parents units in the next week or so over things that have happened in the past few months that have become increasingly oppressive. While I have no expectations of things ever changing, I am tired of not speaking up about it and them thinking they can get away with everything without being held accountable for their actions because they have become used to my acquiescive stance.

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They performed such successful mind control on me when I was young that I have a difficult time finding the courage within me to bring up situations. If I am caught in a crossfire, I will react with fire in the heat of the moment as I can become very defensive when someone strikes certain nerves within me. Btw especially my Dad has learned quite stealthily how to gauge and avoid which buttons to push with me so as to avoid my wrath.

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In this world, my Dad is probably most afraid of me and he has spent alot of time trying to learn all of my moves. He thought he could control me when I was younger, and he did for a while. Bit I am one of only a few people in this world who has had the courage to speak up to and stand up to him. Most people who do that he cuts out of his life. He is very afraid of everything I know and what true power I could wield if I truly wanted to. I think he uses the strategy with me of keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

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My Dad is the truest Narcissistic Personality Disorder of the highest degree. He is as toxic as they come. His most recent cray-cray move is that he decided when we went to Disney World in December, they drove up to meet us from where they live and my best friend met us there as she lives close to Disney. My parents decided that they were going to return to the Disney area in January and asked my best friend to meet for dinner with her husband. She agreed (though telling me on the side she felt a little weird about it, as if she was cheating on me or something). My Dad “asked” me afterwards, “You don’t mind if we get together with your friend for dinner do you?” Essentially telling me I’d look stupid or curious in his eyes if I were to say that I minded. So I let that one go and I thought it was a little strange but didn’t really “mind”. So that dinner took place and my friend said that my Dad talked almost the entire time about his dead boyfriend (in front of my mom). But, that is no surprise to me either as he has always done this as well. But here’s what has really crossed the border line for me. A couple of weeks ago my friend told me that my Dad texted her saying that he’d be sending her a box soon (which he had told her about at the dinner-but she didn’t want to tell me about it until it happened for real, hoping it didn’t happen). So what does my Dad send her? His dead boyfriend’s clothing for her husband.

So, the reason this bothers me on so many levels besides being just BIZARRE…I am the one who exposed my Dad and his gayness and outed him to my Mom when I was 21. I’m pretty sure he has always been bitter about this and loves rubbing my face in the fact that he has continued to have and eat the proverbial cake at the same time despite my attempt to ruin him. So this is another way for him to “stick it to me” and spike the ball by involving MY best friend in his illicit affair. But the part that is most hurtful is that my friend thinks he couldn’t just give the dead boyfriend’s clothing to the Goodwill because of the sentiment behind it. Yet over the past few weeks it has played on my mind how none of the stuff from my infancy was saved. None of that stuff was important enough to not give away to Goodwill. The only things that were saved from my childhood were from when I was old enough to hoard things in my own room and then have a say in what got boxed up. And even still, certain things that I know I asked to be saved were not. They didnt save any of the things like my mother in law was just telling my sister in law about on Friday, of how she still has all the kids and grandkids original Christmas stockings, and we just used my husband’s childhood Easter basket today and my stepsons childhood Easter basket from 25 years ago (he’s 27 now). I have none of these things. My Dad is sentimental enough over his dead boyfriend’s clothing that he has to give it to MY best friend, but he wasn’t sentimental about his daughters stuff.

My Mom isn’t a true Narcissist, she fits more of the Dependant Personality Disorder, but she has mirrored alot of my Dads behvaiors as well because she doesn’t have a mind of her own half of the time. My Mother recently asked why I didn’t like the cousins husband who I had to deal with today. When I intimated to her as to why, she of course came to his defense. She continuously defends everyone to me and it seems like she would be for anyone that I was against. She has come to an incorrect conclusion about my political stance based upon something my daughter said a few years ago (assuming that I control all of my daughter’s decisions, the way she attempts to control mine). Since that conversation, she has tried to sway my decision continuously towards her political party. But the irony about the whole situation is two-fold. Firstly, every point she tries to make, she speaks so ignorantly and I can make her look foolish with a simple sentence rebuttal and I do so because I won’t be challenged with ignorance just because she wants to mind control me. Secondly, she doesn’t even realize that I’m actually registered to the same political party that she is, because she’s so busy forming her little judgments. I am actually very bi-partisan, but I registered with one party just so that I could vote in the primaries because if you are registered as an independent, you can’t vote in the Primaries. And I chose the same party affiliation as she has only because I liked our current Governor who happens to be of that party but is actually very bi-partisan and was actually in real-estate before beoming Governor. So he isn’t a true politician.

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Many people don’t see my parents for the toxic people that they are. They have quite the facade that they put put to the world. Some of my friends in high school we’re even snowed by them and told me they didn’t want to listen to me complain about them because they only wished their parents would be more like mine and they didn’t believe me and the things I said occurred behind closed doors. It took my bridal shower for my in-laws to meet the real people behind the mask my parents put out to the world. And now they see their true colors and believe everything I say about them. And my husband has seen firsthand what they can be like, but even still those closest to me don’t see every single aspect that I see of them and have a hard time believing every single thing I think of them, of exactly how calculated I think every single thing is that they do.

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My entire parental/child relationship with my adoptive parents has been based on deceit. True parental love has never existed here. They don’t even know how to love. I know this will never change. I am working through learning how to accept it now that I have recognized it. Healing has to include learning to use my anger in a productive manner so that I learn how to use my voice in life and am not inhibited by it out of some irrational fear bourne in my childhood dysfunctional family.

I have been talking with my friends lately as well about their toxic family members, for my best friend (the one who “inherited” the dead boyfriend’s clothing, it is her mom and brother in law who cause her problems and for another close friend of mine it is her sister in law that steams her up. I know that no one is without toxic people in their lives. I know I am not alone in this plight. Everyone has their dysfunction in life to deal with. For me, it is just the quantity of dysfunction that I was born in to and raised with and mind controlled in to believing that I was the crazy one, that now has me in such a state that is one of constant recovery, it makes me wonder if I can ever achieve full recovery or if I will always be recovering. My trauma began pre-verbal and while I was still in the womb, it is primal, and then was fortified by the continuous toxicity I have undergone and still deal with. I hope that some day I will find my mental escape hatch for good and that I will somehow not always feel jailed by those who have sought to control me and use me as a pawn in their own game of Life.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/toxic/

 

Warning!!

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Warning!! The man in this picture above and these videos below is going to go insane a few years ago…It’s an unfortunate reality that I saw in his eyes a few months before it happened. I have a way of reading people’s energy, as I have intimated before in some of my past posts. As I watched a concert of theirs that was televised, I told my husband that he was starting to look and act evil, that some switch had flipped in him. It was only a few months after that concert that the band split and the controversy started to come to light regarding all of the trouble Geoff was causing.

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It was this concert below that my husband and I were watching on TV where I could see a change in him. I had seen them live several times and he had never acted like this before. It would be one thing if that was a singers act, but it wasn’t his. This was a different person on stage, far more angry, evil and arrogant than I’d ever seen him. A switch had flipped.

When we met him, in the picture above, he had seemed a bit off then, so he never was quite right. He was quite arrogant then and the tangents he went off on seemed disconnected and far fetched even for my esoteric mind. The band made great music. It saddens me that this happened and that the magic can’t happen any longer. This song isn’t one of my favorites musically speaking. But it follows today’s prompt…SOOOOO…….

“Warning”
By: Queensryche

I remember I was asking why
And someday you said I’d know
All these years, of fighting hard
And now it’s finally come too closeI can’t believe it’s now happening to me
Oh, couldn’t it wait a few hundred years
Destiny can’t rest you see, now it’s time
Time to cry your tears! Now cry!The child of centuries, forgotten in time
You talk in circles of rhyme
Seer of places future and past
The warning you gave us is surely our lastWarning!Behold the child, his pointing hand
Is raised in solemn grace
His eyes once wide with learning wonder
Now leave stains upon his faceNow see the hands of the working man
He’s leaning back against the wall
Once busy hands are idle now
Standing ready for the fall! Our fall!

The signs will come as days past by
For those that claim to see
The blind will stay not choosing to die
Not believing the visions I’ve seen

Warning!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/warning/

Betrayed by birth

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Here’s what many people don’t know about the “wonderful institution of adoption”….My birth certificate is a legally falsified document. Yes. You read that correctly. It is probably THE only LEGALLY falsified document allowable by law in the entire nation.

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The birth certificate that I have to use for everything uses a name that I was NOT born with and it states the names of parents that I was NOT born to. Merely by being born I am betrayed by the nation because of the decisions that everyone else made for me. My true identity is legally falsified and betrayed by my national government and by the establishments that decided on this procedure.

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As adoptees, our original and true birth certificates are sealed and locked away. We are not ALLOWED or entitled to have them. Even now that some states are beginning to pass legiature to open adoption records, this is still misleading as I found out in 2017. New Jersey (after going several rounds with vetoes and changes to the bill) finally opened the records. This is the stated where I was born. This finally entitled me to my original birth certificate. Since I was already in touch with my birth families, I knew that none of their information would be redacted from the records (which they gave a year and a half from the time the bill was passed for birth families to come forward to have their information redacted).

When I finally received my original and true birth certificate that had the name I was born with and the mother I was born to (my father’s name was kept off of it, but that’s a separate issue), it was just a copy and had stamped all across it, for informational purposes only.

And here’s one even better than that…Since 2011, they changed the laws for obtaining a Passport in the US. One of the regulations has created such a problem for many adoptees to the point that many adoptees are being denied passports due to their birth certificates. This is true information as I looked it up myself. If I didn’t already have a passport, I would be in that category of people. That stipulation is that the date of the birth certificate must be filed within one year of the date of birth. Mine was filed a year and 10 months after my date of birth. And I was adopted at 2 months old. The reason this is a problem for almost all adoptees is because of the amount of time it takes for the adoption to be finalized due to the home inspections of the adoptive family and the court proceedings and filing of paperwork and such.

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All of this just to keep my own information a secret from me, to protect everybody but me, and I (and other adoptees) are the ones who suffer the consequences in the end. We are betrayed simply for being born. All of the people we first encounter in our lives, including the nation we live in, all fails to provide us with what everyone else is entitled to simply by being born.

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Adoptees are not really permitted to mourn our loss. We are expected to be grateful to our adoptive family for ‘rescuing us”.

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Most people like to use the smoke and mirrors that adoption is an altruistic notion where adoptive parents must all be saints who give a child who is parentless a home and love that child like their own. But the reality is often that many couple’s first tried to have their own biological child and failed. Adoption was the back up plan. We were the sloppy second choice.

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And then on top of knowing, and some of us being told that we were paid for, we are then told how our adoptive parents would feel betrayed if we were to search for our birth families because they are the ones who raised us, they are our parents.

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But my DNA never betrayed me. I knew who I was all along, deep down. I’m just like them and nothing like you, no matter how hard you tried. And you couldn’t convince me that I would be betraying you if I found them. I just did it behind your back, and you’ll just never know now.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/betrayed/

Betrayed by a Kiss

“Betrayed”
By: Kiss

 

You pay your taxes, you pay the rent, till you haven’t got a cent
It’s the law of the jungle, if you got the hunger
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Just hold on to what you got (hold on, hold on), just live it to the last drop
You can’t help it, you just can’t stop

Betrayed, yeah, life’s a bitch, so just don’t feel
Betrayed, no, you ain’t the only one who’s been betrayed, betrayed

Stone cold and all alone, and you’re wearin’ everything you own
They bare your flesh and strip your soul, but underneath you got a heart of gold
Just hold on to what you got (hold on, hold on)

Betrayed, you ain’t satisfied, I know you feel betrayed
You ain’t crucified, so get real, betrayed, betrayed

All alone, far from home, and you’re feelin’ cold as stone
Don’t give up, don’t give in, life’s a bitch if you lose or win

Betrayed – yeah, you ain’t the only one who’s been
Betrayed – life’s a bitch, if you lose or win – betrayed, betrayed