Moody Blues

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I can be one of the moodiest people out there. I am medicated for anxiety, that is what flips my switch and causes my moody outbursts. My hyper worry mode spins my brain into hyper drive and spawns many different reactions depending on the situation. But as soon as I realize that I have had an improper reaction to something and caused someone any form of heartache, I immediately apologize and try to change in the future. I am always working on evolving and bettering myself.

I personally like moody people because they usually have more spunk to them and are more lively with more zest for life. Where the problems come in for me is that there is a fine line with moodiness. Just as there is a fine line between genius and insanity. There are people who have mood swings that they take out on others with no remorse where every little thing that others do or say bothers them, and they see everything as the problem of everyone else and never see themselves as the problem. Or they know they have a problem and don’t care and still pick out every little perceived flaw of everyone else they encounter and run with it. These people pick puppets to do their bidding and tether them around on strings, hiding them away from all others that they used to associate with. These exceptionally moody people can be very charismatic and appealing, especially to those who are needy. And then they are sucked in like a cult. These people alienate their puppets and grow even stronger in their moody ways because they are convinced that they are safe because they have someone who will put up with their moodiness without them having to even be apologetic and remorseful. They have their cake and can eat it too.

We are two separate breeds of moody, and this breed of moody clashes very adamantly with the non-remorseful, cult like brand.

I feel it to heal it. They blame to shame.

via Daily Prompt: Moody

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Humanity Switch

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Knurd (drunk spelled backwards) is “the opposite of being drunk. It’s as sober as you can ever be. It strips away all the illusion, all the comforting pink fog in which people normally spend their lives, and lets them see and think clearly for the first time ever. Then, after they’ve screamed a bit, they make sure they never get knurd again” – Terry Pratchett

The problem with me is that, I have never spent my life in that pink fog. The only pink fog I have lived through are the rose colored glasses that I once saw the world through due to living in what I thought was a sheltered bubble. My parents sheltered me from the real world, while exposing me to so much other inner torture that many others don’t have to experience. And I live with that inner torture without the pink fog….totally “knurd”. I have never turned to drugs, nicotine or alcohol. I have lived my tortured life completely sober. The worst vice I have is food/sweets. A little bit of a spending/shopping issue. But nothing outlandish. The pain is becoming far too much to bear. I wish I could shut down, shut it off like a humanity Switch. I am an extremely sensitive person and I get hurt every step of the way. One would think I would be immune to hurt by now, but I’m not. I have begun to shut out the world. The less human relationships I have, the less I have to deal with. I wish I could live on a deserted island. Being a sensitive, feeling human being sucks. No one understands me. I have drifted further and further away from understanding and wanting to be a part of the human connection. It’s just not worth it anymore. The hurt outweighs the good for me. I wish I could find my way back, but I fear I have seen too much…

 

 

Percolate

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There are two major concepts I have been percolating on for quite a while. Both of them I have had recent close encounters with once again to bring them to the forefront of my mind. They are a bit unrelated, yet at the same time somewhat fall under a similar omnipotent category.

The first relates directly to the meme. This concept is one that has been a very popular mantra that many of the more positive and goal oriented, success driven people seem to live by. I have heard variations of this quote repeated ad museum in the past few years. In many ways, this has applied to my life and I can understand it’s poignancy. But when it comes to matters of finances, I just don’t know what else I can change and what other lessons I need to learn before I can finally have the world or a Higher Power, whichever way you choose to think about it, give me a break and not keep beating me over the head. So many people get away with so many things in this world that are things that come back and haunt me at the most inopportune moments, read:just when I think I might be starting to get a handle on things I get kicked in teeth and blindsided by some other transgression from my past. I have made so many changes recently to how I handle finances and somehow I feel like I cant breathe even more today than ever. I have admitted and recognize how I sabotage myself financially and in my decisions relating to finances because of my relationship to money which is directly related to how I view my Dad’s greedy heart and my desire to never turn in to that. I have been pulling away from the financial grips off my parents so that they can no longer control me psychologically. Even though that directly affects me from the financial standpoint negatively because it means I can’t turn to them to bail me out of tough situations, I would think that one of my lessons would be that I needed to take responsibility for myself and that I would be “rewarded” for my efforts to turn my life around and not be dependant on them to bail me out. I have made a point of sending out invoices consistently when my students miss a payment, something that I would think would be a lesson I’m supposed to learn, to not let everyone walk all over my kindness by letting payments go week after week to the point that I’m sure many have been missed over time due to my poor record keeping. And how am I rewarded for my diligence this year? By more students forgetting payment than ever before, forcing me to have to send more invoices (which makes me uncomfortable to begin with) and also delays me getting paid regularly and keeps me scraping worse than ever to come up with money to pay my bills. I have finally been rewarded by getting the job that I thought I sabotaged myself over (that I posted about at the beginning of my blog site) so I will start to get a better supplemental income in that can hopefully start to turn some things around. But I am so tired of feeling like the universe is working against me all the time. Just today, the 2 students I was supposed to get money from during the daytime teaching, one forgot the check (she is usually pretty good about it and will probably leave it for me tomorrow at least) and the other one had an assembly at school I didn’t know about and I couldn’t teach her lesson, so I don’t get paid for that one unexpectedly. There has been more of that sort of thing taking place lately as well. Students cancelling or assemblies that cause me not to be able to teach. I have stopped buying random things on eBay that I used to do, I have cut back significantly on my eating all the way around (from the fast food, to eating the $1 packets of knorr pasta sides for dinners to cutting back on goodies/deserts etc…), I stopped myself from my horrendous 6month addiction to Yahtzee with friends that put us in the hole financially and did that cold turkey back in May, I have cut back on the things I spend on for my daughter as extra things she doesn’t need and tell her no more often (something she needs to hear anyway)….I never go out, I haven’t cut my hair in a year and a half, I mean, seriously. What the hell more can I do???? Why do I have to keep getting slapped in the face? All I feel like I do is pay my damn bills and have an anxiety attack for 10 more days wondering if I will overdraft before my husband’s next big paycheck comes in, whether my day to day income will carry us through the other weekly/daily expenses. I wonder if there ever is a light at the end of the tunnel or whether it’s only a mirage, a reflection of someone else’s bright shining star. I’m so exhausted. What else is there for me to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’ve sacrificed everything I can and I got another job to bring in more income. I’m so sick of life continuing to kick me while I’m down and never allowing me to work my way back up. I feel hopeless. The world doesn’t want me to succeed or find financial peace.

The next concept on which I percolate is the conspiracy theory that there is no privacy in this world. That big brother is always watching. That somehow I am the main character in a reality show like the movie “Truman Show”. I have always believed that I have psychic abilities and that I can intuitively send and receive messages to people as an empath. I have proven my abilities time and again. But some of the occurrences that have happened in 2016 alone are just too uncanny to be mere coincidence. One of them felt as though I was being spied on through my phone somehow. I was talking with a student in my small studio at the school I teach at. I talked about the song “I love you, a bushel and a peck.” I had never typed those words in to any computer or electronic device ever from anywhere. I don’t keep the location turned on in my phone. My phone was inside my purse so it couldn’t have randomly turned on the video camera or microphone I wouldn’t think. Yet later that same exact day, I received Etsy notifications (even though I had all notifications from the Etsy app set to be blocked) that showed suggestions for about 20 different products that all contained the phrase “I love you a bushel and a peck”. I usually take synchronicities in life to mean that I am in the right place in my life and where I need to be, but that was just too weird and felt like I was being spied on. Then, the last post I tried to write on here was when the word of the day was “relish”. It was about literal relish, a red pepper relish that my dad bought in the past for me because we can’t find it anywhere near us. We haven’t had it in a few years now since we finished the only batch he gave us. Somehow, even though I typed the whole thing, it never ended up posting. My Dad and I (ya know, the one I’ve ranted about who is Narcissistic, who I don’t have a very keen relationship with and with whom I certainly don’t have a psychic connection of any sort) were talking the other day and he told me he was having a box shipped to my house that’s a Christmas present that we can open on Christmas. Well, it came the other day. It says it right on the label, “The Red Relish Company”. My blog post never even posted, so it’s not like he ever even read it (not that he could have anyway, because I’ve kept this blog a secret from everyone I personally know anyway). Again, how highly random. It’s far too uncanny to just be a plain ole coincidence. I swear my life is being aired on a television set that the whole world title watching. It would make a lot of elements of my life make more sense to me. Something more to percolate on.

 

via Daily Prompt: Percolate

Home Base Default Setting

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Many people probably view me as someone who plays the victim role in life. As someone who is very vocal about my pain and suffering, and who often over steps boundaries in order to tell my stories, most probably perceive me as someone who is looking for sympathy. But honestly, I am quite the opposite. It helps my self esteem when people to whom I have told a part of my story, or those who have been with my on part of my journey tell me how amazing it is that I am as functional as I am. Or that I have beaten the odds. Or that people like me give those who have faced less adversity in their life no excuse to behave as poorly as they do when I have been able to rise from my ashes. It is the recognition of what I have been through, and the admiration for what I have done to pull myself through that helps me continue to rise above.

As someone who has felt constant invalidation, been doubted by so many as to the validity of my stories, and been made to feel like a crazy person; hearing from others how strong and resilient of a person I am is what I need the most to continue healing. It is when people question my truths, question the eccentricity of my emotions, question whether I make mountains out of molehills, question whether I am the drama seeker; that pulls me under.

My home base default setting is that I want to be viewed as someone who is strong BECAUSE I face my darkness head on and don’t succumb to it. My home base desire is for people to recognize me as someone who is not a negative person that resides under a grey cloud of doom because I am a negative person and want to rain on everyone’s sunshine day, but rather for people to see that I have been thrown a ton of curve balls and I am not one to ever take the easy way out by resorting to drugs or alcohol to deal with my problems or rather mask them. I face them full on and that often means having to get dirty by sliding in to home base in order to score (read: weather the storm before seeing the sun again).

via Daily Prompt: Base

The brain on auto-pilot

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For those who have ever partaken in musical training, or even a sport, piloting a plane, gaming, any form of constant motion training activity…

As you become more of an expert in your given field, your brain becomes more comfortable with your craft and with its ability to recall the information necessary to complete the task necessary. Based on the cross-reference with your training and your innate abilities, your brain makes its best guesses to help you execute the moves you need within the split second it has to process the information and send messages to your motor system in order to make the precisely correct motion necessary.

There are many factors that can affect your brain’s ability to accurately send the correct messages at the most consistent rate possible. Of course, repetition of the correct motion during practice/training is always important. Without being comfortable with the decisions it makes, the chances of accuracy on a regular basis are significantly lower. The brain will get bogged down and overworked in trying to constantly make decisions it is not comfortable making if the actions are too new to the physiological body.

However, one can train/practice all hours of the day, and if there is a lack of concentration in the moment of performance, the brain will second guess itself and make the wrong decisions. All it takes is a slight distraction, an unexpected sensory input in the heat of the moment, an overtired mind, weary eyes…and all the practice in the world goes right out the window. In fact, when someone knows that they aren’t as prepared as they should be, they tend to pay more attention and often perform better than they expect. Conversely, at times when someone is extra confident, they tend to become lackadaisical on their focus and make more mistakes then would be expected.

With the new developments in the health fields, and the surge we have seen in diagnoses of ADHD and Autism in recent years, we now know how much a lack of ability to focus (ADHD) and an oversensitivity to sensory input (Autism) can affect people’s ability to function and how much it can mask their true brilliance. Most of the children and people who carry these diagnoses are quite intelligent, often of above average intelligence. But their paralysis of these all important areas of functionality hide their ability to function with efficiency and ease in the way that those who do not have these diagnoses can function.

As I believe I alluded to in an earlier blog post, I have been formulating a grand hypothesis and theory on musical training, and it may transfer to other disciplines as well. It will take me some time to form a fully cohesive theory and strategy to combat this deficit that we have overcome in a slower manner up until now. I believe there is a.faster way to achieve more consistent success if I can pinpoint the correct tools to train the brain from the outset. I have just postulated in this post a very small glimpse in to the ideas that I am simmering inside my brain. One of my 7th grade students is even so inspired by it that she is structuring her science project based upon my general theories and ideas. I am very honored that she is so inspired by my thoughts on music to further investigate them for her science project. I look forward to working together with her and helping her with specific examples and to seeing the specific path she takes and what her exact findings are. I am very convinced that I have hit on a very unique and novel perspective that has not been truly explored in this manner and has not linked everything together in the manner that I have connected the dots in my brain. Some day…..Some day my theories and thoughts will come to fruition and the world will see that I do have a worthwhile contribution to leave as my legacy.

Art by Josephine Wall