Disrupting my inner peace


Past the midnight deadline of the “daily” in posting this. That, in and of itself, disrupts my inner peace.  I’ve never been officially diagnosed with OCD, but I’m sure I must have it. In watching the show I have now referenced twice as of late, “Perception” where they depict a wildly genius professor who is a paranoid schizophrenic, there are aspects of his condition that I can relate to. I don’t envision or hallucinate people as he does, I don’t talk to people put loud, but I do have the same types of arguments inside my own head. And I know everyone does to a degree. Hence the reason for the brilliant children’s movie “Inside Out”. But for me, those inner voices do seem to be so dominant that I am amazed I function as well as I do. Many people who know me personally often find me difficult to deal with in large quantities of time. Because they start to see the daily effects of what goes on inside my brain. It can be easy to hide it when people only have intermittent dealings with me. But those who see me regularly end up seeing the more raw side of me. And even still, those who know me best have no clue exactly how much my inner peace is disrupted and how it comes out of nowhere and unexpectedly. A random thought will just enter my seemingly placid mood, and there I go, down the rabbit hole, spiraling down. Sometimes I can crowd that thought out by involving myself in something else. But in the quiet of the night, that is the most dangerous time for me. Especially now with my husband’s new second job and new sleep patterns on some days. It has caused me to have some rough nights with my thoughts.

To be vulnerable, my thoughts feel like the squirrels in our house. We have some areas outside where the gutters came off and the wood underneath is worn away and squirrels have been able to get inside our walls and they. crawl inside our walls all day long. We don’t have the finances to take care of it right now. It is beyond embarrassing. Our house is falling apart and we can’t take care of it. I wish we could get out of here in the worst way. It is disrupting our inner peace living here. The squirrels will be quiet for hours, and then out of the stillness will begin the scampering, squealing and thumping. It is so triggering to our anxiety levels. And my thoughts can often feel like the squirrels. All there with the purpose to disrupt my inner peace and sanity….