Emotional Rollercoaster

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I know I’ve been MIA a bit…with my stepdaughter moving back in after her break up with her boyfriend and subsequent stay in the psych hospital, my life has been turned upside down again. I know this is the time I need to write the most, but I just haven’t even been able to pull myself together enough to do that. This is why I’m just trying to even drop this little note to get back in to it, even if only the first step. At least it serves as a reminder of what I need to do to keep sane through a time I can already feel myself sliding down a slippery slope, very quickly. As things start to settle in, I will make it a priority again to get back to writing here. It is essential for my well being. I haven’t even been able to express myself through my music, because the school year came to a culmination and I hadn’t even been able to get myself together enough to email everyone about scheduling, especially since I teach a decent amount out of my house, and my house has been a holy wreck for a month now due to my crazy end of the year recital stuff and my step daughter moving back in, which entails a whole ton of moving things around within our house to get a room ready for her again and moving a lot in to a storage unit. One big ball of chaos and in flux again. I just don’t know how much more of this life (style) I can handle. I’m tired of my life being shaken up by everyone else. It might be time for me to do some shaking of my own…

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Pedigrees

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“Don’t be afraid to lose what was never meant to be……things will never change, till you want them to.” -Matthew and Gunnar Nelson

I’m a total geek. I know. I still love this band. Even back in the day when they were mega popular, they still got ragged on hardcore. When I met my husband, he was calling them Woody and Boner. Still does. Probably hates them more now knowing how much I like them. Though I don’t even think he knows how much of a fan I am. I keep it more downlow with him because I hate hearing him make fun of them. Especially since I met them back in 2010 and found out exactly how amazingly nice they are. The day I met them was literally a dream coming true. I had a dream when I was 13 that I met them at an outdoor concert and was hanging out with them after the concert. When I went to the M3 Concert in 2010, which is a Festival type concert with a ton of bands, I had no clue I’d get to meet them in person. In fact, they had VIP passes that they sold for that festival that you had to purchase in order to meet the bands, but Nelson broke that rule and met everyone anyway, because that’s who they are. They even say it at their shows, that they aren’t just in the music business, they are in the connection business, because they love to meet their fans that much.

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I’ve posted this picture on some of my other blog posts too, but this whole article now is about them. This picture above was when I met them in 2010. Unfortunately the picture turned out blurry. The one on the left is Matthew and the one on the right is Gunnar, for anyone who actually cares. They actually took alot of time that day to talk to me. I was in celeb heaven so I don’t fully remember everything, but I know they actually talked to me more than I expected that day. I also bought a CD for them to sign.

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For anyone who doesn’t know who they are…..they are from a pedigree family. Their grandparents are Ozzie and Harriet’s who had a sitcom when tv was first invented. Their son and the twins dad was Ricky Nelson, who grew up acting on the Ozzie and Harriet Show and then broke in to the Music Business at 16 after singing on the show. Ozzie also had a Big Band as well, so he was also musical. Then Ricky married Kristin Harmon and had the twins who became a popular hair band right at the end of the hair band era with #1 billboard hits of “Love and Affection”, “After the Rain” and “Only Time will Tell”. They are in the Guiness Book of World Records as being the only 3 consecutive generational family to have #1 top hits on the billboard charts. Not only is that their heritage, but their sister is Tracey Nelson who has been on Broadway and was in the Father Dowling Mysteries TV Show, their Uncle (their mother’s brother) is Mark Harmon’s from NCIS and the movie Summer School and their Grandfather on their mothers side is Tom Harmon who was a football player and a Heismann Trophy recipient. They are from a top pedigree family alright. Talk about some genetic line there…..

So, after 8 years, I finally got the opportunity to get a new and clear picture with them last Thursday…..😁🤘

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This time they are in the reverse order, Gunnar on the left and Matthew on the right. This time I went to their Ricky Nelson Remembered Show where they put on a multi-media experience tribute show to their dad and play their dads songs (and a couple of their own). That was where I got my old piano sheet music signed by them which is the first picture at the top of the page. I brought all three of their top hits songs that I still had the sheet music of from back when I was younger and got them to sign it for me.

One of the coolest things happened today though. I had posted this picture of me with them on Twitter last week and they retweeted it (and it has been my most popular tweet ever, more retweets and likes than anything I’ve ever tweeted before!). And then today (though I think it was yesterday and I only saw it today), they actually FOLLOWED me on Twitter.

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This is so cool to me because they only follow the blue checked marked people, as in famous celebs/pages/accounts. And they followed little ole me. Now, I will admit that I’ve been told it is their management team that handles their social media accounts….however, even still, I don’t know if that means they’re never on it, but even if it’s just their management who followed me, someone from their team took notice of me and followed my Twitter account. It might sound incredibly shallow, and normally I am not some crazed fan girl, but they make me giddy. Must be the teenager thing because I liked them when I was 13 and it takes me back to being a teenager again. It made me feel special today. It made me feel noticed, and I don’t feel that very often. And certainly not by anyone associated with a band I literally dreamed about and hung posters on my wall of when I was 13.  Go me….Manifesting my dreams…The sky is the limit!!!!

My song of the day: Autograph by Nelson

Can’t get any more apropos to this blog post than this song!!!

I think I’ve seen every film you’ve been in
First in line for your magazine
On my bedroom wall you’re staring back at me?

I blew my trust fund, to get to know you
I write you letters and you don’t write back,
but that’s ok~I’ll always love you anyway

I just want your autograph(your autograph)
a sign, I met you in the past(touched your hand)
There’s nothing I won’t do,
So what I gotta give to get an autograph from you?

Autograph
Autograph
Instrumental

I’m Number one on your fan club roster,
You’re number one on the Billboard charts
I don’t think I’ve made to your speed dial yet,
but~ it’s a start.

I think you think we got a lot in common
We’re both in love with you and that’s a fact
Till you cry on my shoulder
I need a little piece of you to tide me over

I just want your autograph(your autograph)
Some Proof I had the Balls to ask (took the chance)

Face Time and One Line,
There’s nothing I won’t do~
to get a Autograph from you?

Autograph
Autograph

Instrumental

I hope this doesn’t come across as scary,
I hope it’s you when I lose my cherry
Crazy maybe
Fate has had Stranger things have happen.

I just want your autograph
Just maybe, you’ll see me on the fair,
Face time, One Love,
There’s nothing that I won’t do
For an autograph from you.

Yeah
Autograph
Autograph

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/pedigree/

Disappear

My song of the day: Disappear by Evanescence…….This song is very personal for me for how I feel about someone in my life that struggles with addiction and my own demons with people and addiction (since it was addiction to prescription drugs that was the catalyst for my adoptive mom to become a background presence in my life but then to turn things around on me and become jealous and angry with me when I became closer to my adoptive NPD father). So continuing to hang around in the hopes that I will finally become more important than the addiction hurts over and over, every single day and I don’t know how long to hold on and keep hoping and believing I will win in the end and finally be number one in someone’s life for once.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disappear/

Awkward is as Awkward does

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Hi. My name is Alice Ariadne, and I’m an Awkward.

I always knew I was awkward. As a kid, I knew I wasn’t like the others. I knew I didn’t fit in. I didn’t quite know the word for it. And there are a plethora of reasons as to why I didn’t fit in, and still don’t, which I am constantly writing about here on my blog. I am a hodgepodge mess. When I was younger, ai tried so desperately to fit in and do what would please others and try to mimic the “cool kids” mannerisms and phrases and hair styles and clothing. Anything and everything just for acceptance. Just to blend in. Even pretending and trying to like things my adoptive parents liked in the hopes that they would approve of and like and love me.

Middle school started it a little. The bounce between the light and the dark.

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By high school, I was starting to listen a little more to my inner self and I was allowing my own personality and style and values begin to formulate and show themselves. And by college…by George I think I’ve got it. That weird blend of what I claim to be my favorite colors: black and rainbow. Dark and Goth and Rainbow Brite all encapsulated within me.

The conflict that seems to present are more than prevalent in my social awkwardness as well. I was never properly socialized or told what is or isn’t proper to say or do. I was left to fend for myself and figure it out on .y own. The hurtful trials and tribulations that come along with that are immeasurable. One would think I would have grown a thick skin from a the hard knocks I endured, but an empath never does that. They are the people who are born with an infinite number of cheeks to be turned and those whose personalities and gentleness and compassion and emotional soul can never be hardened. A blessing and a curse all at once.

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And then I met my birthparents. And then I made complete sense to myself. Awkwardness, style of clothing, the way I personalize everything, the light and dark all in one (one is light, the other is dark)….It’s all there. No wonder I was always such a conflicted human being. Not only were my genetics from conflicting ends of the spectrum, I was raised on another planet from that spectrum altogether, where my spectrum was not respected.

I am now more comfortable with and proud of my uniqueness. I would never want to change that for anyone. Those who can’t accept that about me can shuffle right along. But I do still feel uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own body and with my exterior shell. My likes and dislikes are my souls choices and my egos choices, and I am good with those. But it is my exterior shell that feels rejected the most I think. And so I continue to feel awkward about my exterior shell and everything that goes along with that.

I began making these YouTube videos and I immediately got critical of myself, and how I present myself, and how I look when I talk and how awkward I think that I come across. And so I analyze every little detail about myself. I have always done that with pictures of myself as well. And people would think that’s me being vain. But it’s actually me trying to learn to change myself or shape myself in to something I can learn to love myself as well. So I think making these YouTube videos will also be a great exercise for me in learning to watch my own mannerisms and learning to be comfortable in my own skin, my own voice, my own body, my own lips, my own facial expressions etc…If I learn to love myself one step at a time, maybe, just maybe, I can become whole from the inside out, for the first time in my life.

Today’s YouTube video:

(Alice) Ariadne’s Quotes of Wisdom Video: One Step, Two Step

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/awkward/

 

My song of the day: Me by Paula Cole….One of my absolute favorite songs and a song that I think says so so much about me as a person.

Surviving Narcissism

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It’s as if they aimed today’s word prompt right at me. Narcissism is something I am all too familiar with. I always knew my home life wasn’t quite right growing up. But it wasn’t until 3 years ago when my adoptive dad created a huge situation over my daughter’s communion, that resonated back to situations over my wedding that was 12 years prior to that, when I finally realized that he truly had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and exactly what that entailed. Prior to that, I was still blaming myself, questioning myself, second guessing myself, still wanting to think the best about my adoptive parents. But it was during that time frame that the veil came down and I could see everything so clearly for the first time. Everything that was dysfunctional about my perspectives were because of what THEY had done to me, not because of me being inherently a messed up person like they always led me to believe.

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I have been working very hard for the past 3 years to find myself and learn to shed the voice of my Narcissist that always rules my head. I had struggled for a long time to figure out quite what my adoptive mother is. She herself doesn’t have Narcissistic Personality Disorder as she is not vain in the way my father is, she does not have a grandiose sense of self, she does not manipulate the whole world in the same way my father does. But I realized within these past 3 years many truths about her as well. I figured out that she will always defend my father over me, she will always believe my father over me, even when he has done so many horrific things to her. The only thing I really did to her was to not give her the kind of love she craved. I realized I was her pawn, she saw me as a way to get unconditional love rather than give it, since her own mother was incapable of giving it to her. And as an Adoptee, I needed extra love myself after the trauma I had gone through. And she didn’t give me the love I needed. So I didn’t have any love to give her back. I wasn’t being shown what love was by anyone.

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I lost the only mother I knew at birth and had no language to reason why I was abandoned. She was replaced by strangers first for two months (foster care) until I was adopted. As I got older, when I didn’t show my adoptive mother the love she wanted from me, she then didn’t love me the way I needed love. I came to the conclusion that after her hysterectomy when I was 7 which led in to her becoming addicted to sleeping pills and tranquilizers, followed by the death of my grandfather when I was 9, my adoptive mother essentially disappeared from my life. Prior to that, she was the one who took me to dance class, she was the one who took me to vacation Bible school, she was the one who took me to Brownies. After that, it was my dad who took me to dance class, it was my dad who became the co-leader to my junior, Cadette and Senior Girl Scout Troops and it was my dad who was on the Band Parents Board of Directors when I was in high school. And then she went on to actually complain to me and be mad at me (read: jealous) when I had a better relationship with my dad. That was because he picked up the slack when she became non-existent. And then when he decided to use me as his surrogate wife/companion through all of these activities, her jealousy caused her to hate me. She saw me as some sort of competition for her husband.

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I posted the above meme on one of my other posts, but this was how my life was as a child. A while ago I had given my mother this set for Mother’s Day that were these get to know you cards that have questions on them where she answers it, then mails it to me, I answer the same question and mail it back and she keeps them all together. She did them for a while, until one of them where the question asked: “What was the best gift you ever received”….Her answer: When your dad gave me my engagement ring at Christmas (and more details about that) My answer: My daughter……..She never sent another after that. She probably knew exactly how she looked with her response and then my response.

After recently reading an article on narcissistic parents, I realized that while my mother might not have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I think she is a Narcissistic parent. She was parented by someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, my grandmother was a very wicked woman-thats another couple of blog posts in an of themselves. And she was married to a Narcissist. Plus she craved the love she wasn’t getting from either of her Narcissists, so she was trying to use Narcissists parenting techniques to extract the love from me that she wanted, or to use me for the attention she wanted from her husband. So I was really parented by two Narcissistic parents.

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I realized within these past 3 years of my “Great Depression” that I am truly alone. My mother will never defend me. She will always be on his side. Even though he was in a relationship with another man while they’ve been married for maybe 15 years until the man passed away. Somehow, my father does no wrong in her eyes. She has never sided with me, but both of them expected me to side with them when they put me in the middle of all of their issues when I was a child, when they spoke badly about each other to me as if I was the pawn child between two divorced parents, yet they weren’t. The fighting was so bad between them, I wished for my.parents to get divorced, beginning from the time I was 7, and everyone told me be careful what I wished for and that was such a horrible thing to say. But they knew nothing of the war zone I grew up in. It may not have been physically abusive between them (they saved the wooden spoon and belt for me), the verbal and psychological torture was more than I could bear.

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Deconstructing every little reaction and thought process, now that I know all of my background and all of the effect it had had on me, has had a harrowing effect on the jail cell of my mind as well. As if it wasn’t hard enough to figure out that all of the people.in your world were not who you thought they were, or that you were deceived in some huge way all within a short period of time (the reasons for my depression-other people involved as well)- to learn to dissect how all of these elements of these important people in my life affect who I am and how I can change those patterns is an entirely different ballgame.

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This one came up just yesterday in a small spat between my husband and I. I was trying to clarify something he was asking me to do on the phone to be sure I was understanding him properly. He got frustrated with me not understanding him or asking too many questions which upset me. But I do that in order to avoid doing it wrong because I don’t want him getting mad at me for doing it wrong because then I feel stupid which triggers emotions that lead me right back to my dad as well as an abusive ex boyfriend I had. So much of who I am stems back to my childhood.

And then there is always the narcissism of my husband’s ex-wife that I get to deal with from time to time. And such irony that this is the topic of the day when today was one of the days I had to deal with her when I hadn’t seen her in about a year and a half. Had to see her today because of my stepsons gender reveal party for his new baby that his girlfriend is pregnant with. And she is such a narcissist that she had her daughter from another man ask my step daughters friend to give them a ride to the party (even though my stepdaughter hasn’t spoken to her in over 4 years), her friend agreed only because it was my stepdaughters sister asking her. But then this morning my husband’s ex-wife (who has never had her driver’s license), had the nerve to tell the friend who was driving them that she needed to be home an hour and a half after the party started….Beggars can’t be choosers you narcissist. My stepdaughter took everything she had in her and stood up to the mother she doesn’t speak to and told her she’d have to get an Uber or another ride home because she wasn’t going to make her best friend leave the party early just because she made other plans, the day of no less.

I am learning how to cope with my Narcissists and learning how replace their voices with my own. Most people can only do what my stepdaughter has done, which is cut them out of their lives. I guess I’m a chicken for not being able to do that. The added guilt that was programmed in to me early in life of them being my savior’s as an Adoptee might have done a number on my psyche over it as well. I just try to remain three steps ahead all the time (while everyone else thinks I over think everything and think I’m nuts for thinking every single thing is a game or has a hidden agenda), and I will keep working on healing my reactions and my thoughts as much as I can and to the best of my ability. But most people cut the narcissism out of their lives. I guess I still don’t believe I’m worthy of love since I continue to torture myself by keeping them in my life. I keep still believing somehow that they still do enough good for me or try the best they can. They still have enough people convinced to convince me that they aren’t the worst people in the world. And so, I stick around. Unable to have enough self-esteem to believe that no one else knows what I’ve endured. No one else could possibly see them the way I do because they still only see a fraction of their true side. Because my Narcissists are the actors extraordinare.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/narcissism/

My Song of the Day: This songs holds such irony for me because the person who is Narcissus in my life is the reason I don’t use a Hammer and a Nail enough and that I do look behind my ears for the green too much and that my sweat smells clean more than it should. While he did make me work in one sense and I don’t have a sense of entitlement, I also wasn’t ever taught the basics of life and simple things that should be common sense around the house types of chores for a grown woman. Because he never really did much of anything for himself either, he just called someone to do it for him, and so the incompetence was passed right along…

“Hammer And A Nail”
By: The Indigo Girls

Clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
I’ve been digging too deep, I always do.
I see my face on the surface
I look a lot like narcissus
A dark abyss of an emptiness
Standing on the edge of a drowning blue.
I look behind my ears for the green
Even my sweat smells clean
Glare off the white hurts my eyes
Gotta get out of bed get a hammer and a nail
Learn how to use my hands, not just my head
I think myself into jail
Now I know a refuge never grows
From a chin in a hand in a thoughtful pose
Gotta tend the earth if you want a rose.
I had a lot of good intentions
Sit around for fifty years and then collect a pension,
Started seeing the road to hell and just where it starts.
But my life is more than a vision
The sweetest part is acting after making a decision
I started seeing the whole as a sum of its parts.
My life is part of the global life
I’d found myself becoming more immobile
When I’d think a little girl in the world can’t do anything.
A distant nation my community
A street person my responsibility
If I have a care in the world I have a gift to bring.

I can hardly wait

My song of the day-to-day go along with the daily word prompt!

I can hardly wait

By: Nelson

No use pretending
Let’s tell it like it is
You just took advantage
When I gave all I had to give
After one too many battles
I got tired of the fight
Each time we were together
Was just like walking on thin ice

Couldn’t make it happen
No matter how I tried
Decided it’s impossible
To keep you satisfied
Our love was like a candle
Slowly dyin’ in the wind
You can’t hold on when the feeling’s gone
Now we’ve finally reached the end

I step out of the darkness
And leave it all behind
Ooh, now I’m ready for a brand new life

Oh, I can hardly wait
Gonna find another lover
Gonna start to live again
Oh, I can hardly wait
For somebody new to get into
I can hardly wait                                          I can hardly wait
I can hardly wait

Don’t need the pressure
I refuse to play the game
I won’t be around to jump
Next time you call my name
I’ll take my chances
I’ll take it day by day
Let the curtain fall I’m out of love, that’s all
Now there’s nothing left to say

Learning from the changes
Got my feet back on the ground
Ooo, nothing’s ever gonna stop me now

Oh, I can hardly wait
Gonna find another lover
Gonna start to live again
Oh, I can hardly wait
For somebody new to get into
I can hardly wait

Moving on, down the road of life
I’m looking forward to what it is I’ll find
The best is yet to come
And I can hardly wait
I can hardly wait

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/thin/