Rebels Rebel

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They say that everything we do in life, all of our decisions, and how we operate, are borne from and driven by two emotions and two emotions alone: Love and Fear.

In a similar manner to my blog post from the other day regarding truth and love being inextricably woven together for me, I think that fear and love have also been very closely tied together since birth as well, due to my adoption status.

Every baby is fearful when they first arrive in this world. That is why every baby cries. But they are comforted very shortly thereafter by their mother. And that sends the message to all those newborns that fear can be satiated by love, that love is more powerful than fear, that fear might be a primal instinct, but that there is someone there to count on right away to provide love for you to overcome that fear. That provides security for newborns, it helps to develop self esteem because they come in to the world feeling unconditional love. This provides them with the always present subconscious knowledge throughout their lives that there will always be love to combat fear, which hence provides them the space to develop self-love and to thrive appropriately on the psychological level as they grow and go through the various trials and tribulations that life will invariably throw their way.

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Even before taking our first breath in the world, adoptees absorb the negative emotions felt by our birth mothers through the womb. And even if love is one of them, that love is still shrouded in pain, fear, sadness, anxiety, anger and more…We intrinsically know that our births are not a celebration of love, but a time of pain. The movie “Gifted” made me think about this and I wrote about it in one of my earlier blog posts Here

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I lived with a love in my heart for my birthmom growing up, a love that I had to keep to myself because I lived in fear. Fear that I would lose the love I thought I had from my adoptive parents because they instilled a fear in me. They made me fearful that I would lose them should I ever search for my birthmom because they would feel betrayef, so I had to keep my feelings of love for her to myself and they kept me in fear and put me in charge of protecting their feelings as a young child rather than them protecting me. Their fear was more important to them then love.

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Being the adoptive child of some with Narcissistic Personality Disorder programmed me even further to live in constant fear. I never knew when he would explode at me or when he would just be in a bad mood for whatever reason. There was constant yelling in the house. As an adult, I have become familiar with the the diagnosis of Complex PTSD. People have often heard of PTSD, but not Complex PTSD and there is a difference between the two.

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My adoptive dad turned my adoptive mom in to his flying monkey, which wasn’t hard to do because she lived in fear of her mother her entire life. My adoptive mom seems to think she can exert power over children, that’s the only people she thinks she can control. She still attempts to control both me and my daughter, but is constantly met with frustration when her attempts at control are met by our strong personalities that won’t be held down by her.

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I bounce back and forth. I often act compliant out of constant fear. Someone posted on Facebook yesterday that it is more of the bodily sensations we feel when we are required to do something outside of our normal range of experience that causes us the “fear” and inability to do what we need to do and causes the lack of courage. I do rebel enough that I am the biggest threat either of my adoptive parents have ever known. I don’t rebel in the sense of being a rebellious child. They were lucky enough that I am who I am morally, and not thanks to them, because I would guarantee that any other child put in their care would have been far more rebellious than I was, in terms of being a drug user, alcoholic, partier, having sex at a young age, pregnant before marriage etc…For how much they have attempted to control me, I speak out against them more than anyone else in their lives. Even though it scares me so much when I do. I literally have to work myself up to it for months if it is a planned thing. If they trigger me in a moment and cause a primal reaction, then I speak up because they have already stirred that bodily sensation and I roll with it since I already feel that knot in the pit of my stomach. So if I am already there, I might as well express it all before the moment is gone. But if they do things that are less insidious where it is a slower “mind fuck” situation, and it eats away at me over time, then it takes me months to work uputhe courage to confront them with my boundaries and speaking my peace.

One of my new favorite TV shows that I keep referencing, “Perception” poses the question/dilemma:

-Fear can override rational thought. Can we override our most primal instincts? Condition ourselves not to react out of fear?

In order to finally love myself, as my friend has told me is the thing I need most in my life right now (especially since no one who was supposed to display what love really was to me, and model that unconditional love is did that for me), I must, as the top meme on this page states, rebel against myself (and my own personal primal instinct-which I think is actually different from the majority) and do what I fear most. Only then will I truly love myself. Only when I have the courage, in spite of fear, will love prevail for me.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/rebel/

My song of the day is: He’s a rebel by The Crystals

This goes along with today’s word prompt as well as my writing on the theme as well. My adoptive parents never approved of any of the men I dated. With being a Narcissist, my dad never would have anyway, but I did tend to date more of the rebel type. Partially to rebel against them and what they stood for, partially because anyone they would have “on paper” found suitable for me would have been boring to me. But also, once I met my birthdad, who I chose as my husband made perfect sense to me. It really is true that girls marry their daddies (not in a gross way). I didn’t even grow up with my birthdad and knew nothing about him, and I married someone exactly like him in so many aspects it’s scary (that will be one of my next blog posts!) Stay tuned for that one-you’ll want to read that one-its pretty fascinating and uncanny really.

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Disrupting my inner peace

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Past the midnight deadline of the “daily” in posting this. That, in and of itself, disrupts my inner peace.  I’ve never been officially diagnosed with OCD, but I’m sure I must have it. In watching the show I have now referenced twice as of late, “Perception” where they depict a wildly genius professor who is a paranoid schizophrenic, there are aspects of his condition that I can relate to. I don’t envision or hallucinate people as he does, I don’t talk to people put loud, but I do have the same types of arguments inside my own head. And I know everyone does to a degree. Hence the reason for the brilliant children’s movie “Inside Out”. But for me, those inner voices do seem to be so dominant that I am amazed I function as well as I do. Many people who know me personally often find me difficult to deal with in large quantities of time. Because they start to see the daily effects of what goes on inside my brain. It can be easy to hide it when people only have intermittent dealings with me. But those who see me regularly end up seeing the more raw side of me. And even still, those who know me best have no clue exactly how much my inner peace is disrupted and how it comes out of nowhere and unexpectedly. A random thought will just enter my seemingly placid mood, and there I go, down the rabbit hole, spiraling down. Sometimes I can crowd that thought out by involving myself in something else. But in the quiet of the night, that is the most dangerous time for me. Especially now with my husband’s new second job and new sleep patterns on some days. It has caused me to have some rough nights with my thoughts.

To be vulnerable, my thoughts feel like the squirrels in our house. We have some areas outside where the gutters came off and the wood underneath is worn away and squirrels have been able to get inside our walls and they. crawl inside our walls all day long. We don’t have the finances to take care of it right now. It is beyond embarrassing. Our house is falling apart and we can’t take care of it. I wish we could get out of here in the worst way. It is disrupting our inner peace living here. The squirrels will be quiet for hours, and then out of the stillness will begin the scampering, squealing and thumping. It is so triggering to our anxiety levels. And my thoughts can often feel like the squirrels. All there with the purpose to disrupt my inner peace and sanity….

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disrupt/

R-U-S2uPid Happy?

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The title actually reads: Are you Stupid happy? Just in case you didn’t get that. It’s a pun on R2D2….Because I’m stupid happy in this picture here when I met R2D2 in person. That is one serious smile right there. I know it’s just a robot. But it was so beyond cool. I am a Star Wars fan. I only started liking Star Wars in college when an ex boyfriend, a psychologically abusive one at that, made me go watch, for the first time, the original trilogy when they were re-released. But my love for R2D2 started long before that. I watched Sesame Street when I was little. And they always had guest stars on. And the original run of Star Wars came out around the time I was little and watching Sesame Street, so R2 and C3PO were always on. And I loved R2 from moment I saw him on the screen. I don’t know what it was.

I have him on my keychain

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I used to have him as my device charger in the car, but it stopped working properly 😪 It would bleep and blurp every time I turned the car on.

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I even have the Lego version of him that was my own set! He is out most of the year.

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So when he was there at Lego Fest that I took my daughter to last year I seriously had a cow. He was there with all the bleeps and blurps and then some, real life sized. Here is the video from it….the camera shaking is me jumping up and down like a little freaking kid because I’m so happy. And thats me towards the end calling out “I love you R2″….It’s really ridiculous how happy I got over this….

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/smile/

A Trio of Quartets

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“What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient… highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it’s almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed – fully understood – that sticks; right in there somewhere.” -Dom Cobb, “Inception”

A quartet of dreams, four layers down. A dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. To plant an idea, a thought so deep in someone’s brain that it will permeate like a disease. In my experience, dreams aren’t necessary to do this. Inception within a dream isn’t necessary for what is essentially mind control. Repetition of ideas and thoughts can accomplish this often times, and experiencing emotions at a primal level can also accomplish this as well. There are many ways an idea or thought can take hold, but it is very true that it can be stronger than a virus and more resilient than a parasite. Thoughts and ideas can be more powerful than death. Thoughts and ideas resonate and continue to regenerate and pass down long after the person who first uttered the idea or thought has passed.

Quatour pour la Fin du Temps

Quartet for the End of Time. The solo movement for clarinet alone-The Abyss of the Birds. Composed by Oliver Messiaen.

This piece is in eight movements. It is scored for Clarinet, Violin, Cello and Piano. This is a very unique pairing of instruments. Messiaen wrote the piece while he was a prisoner in German captivity during the war. The piece was premiered in 1941. It was originally written as a trio and then the piano part was added in, which he played in the premiere. The piece was premiered by himself and his fellow prisoners. The complete work has a duration of approximately 50 minutes.

In the preface inside the score, Messiaen wrote that the piece was inspired by the Book of Revelation from the Bible. The text that he was inspired by that is in the inscription reads as follows:

And I saw another mighty angel come down from heaven, clothed with a cloud: and a rainbow was upon his head, and his face was as it were the sun, and his feet as pillars of fire … and he set his right foot upon the sea, and his left foot on the earth …. And the angel which I saw stand upon the sea and upon the earth lifted up his hand to heaven, and sware by him that liveth for ever and ever … that there should be time no longer: But in the days of the voice of the seventh angel, when he shall begin to sound, the mystery of God should be finished …

There are separate inscriptions to describe each movement. Some of the movements are for the full quartet, but some of the movements are for different variations of instrumentation within the quartet.

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The third movement is the Abyss of the Birds, which is the recording above of me performing this movement live at one of my former recitals. I played this movement during a recital that I themed as “Journey through the Woods”. I specifically painted the painting that is on my home page for that recital and I dressed within the theme and had a slide show in the background of Wooded scenes as pictured above. I also wrote a poem and had other poetry read in between pieces. It was a multimedia experience. I was very proud of this recital. It was very stressful putting it all together, but some day I hope to do something like this again, perhaps when my daughter is a bit older and I have a little more time to focus and dedicate the time needed to pull something like that off.

 

Humorous Scherzo by: Prokofiev

Performed by: Galaxy Quartet

Earlier this year, I had a faculty recital performance at the college that I used to teach Adjunct Applied Clarinet Lessons at. I just tendered my resignation this semester for several reasons (all for my own sanity purposes). At any rate, in the past for this faculty recital I had always done a duet with a fellow friend and colleague flutist. Last year I wasn’t able to perform so she had her quartet play. This year I was able to play again and her quartet wanted to play again, but they were short a clarinet player, so I subbed for their missing clarinet player and we all played the recital together. The quartet consists of 2 flutes and 2 clarinets. I had never played in this instrumentation of an ensemble before. It was unique. I enjoyed it, but the other clarinetist and I (who was the leader of the group) had a clash in personalities. So it will be a one time thing. But it was fun to play with a new instrumentation and explore music I had not played before.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/quartet/

Father Time

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When the daily word prompt of “noise” came up a few weeks ago, it prompted me to look back in to my college assignments because there was a paper I had written that I knew fit that topic. In doing so, I began re-reading through all of my old writings and I was quite astounded at the time warp I went through, in many different aspects. In some ways, I was blown away by my progressiveness as a 20 year old (which was 20 years ago), reading through other papers I lamented that I felt I had almost lost some of my intellect. I realized, after percolating on that one for a while, that due to my career that involves constant interaction with children, that certain areas of my brain just haven’t been stimulated as much in recent years. I am finding those areas re-stimulated by writing this blog, and for that I am eternally grateful. Another aspect that I found to be quite notable as well in my time warp is that some situations in my life haven’t changed a bit. This facet is the one I would like to impart today. I quite literally LOLed when I came across this following Sociology paper because the title of the paper is literally what my monthly goal to work on for the month of March was that is written on my chalk board at home.

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Hereis my Sociology paper from my Undergrad…(the memes are added post script, aka:now!!!)

Time Management
The topic of time management is currently one that is quite a problem in my own life. Many people either go to one extreme or another in my experiences. There are those who take on too many tasks, and those who are very lax in their approach to life. With most people I know who take either route, no one is completely happy with how they manage their time. This concept follows the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side of the mountain.

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I am the type of person who takes on more then I can often handle, and then I am faced with how to balance my time. When people become overwhelmed they are often offered the advice to make a list in order of top priority to least important priority of the lot. I try to set priorities and take care of the tasks highest on my list, but this is quite a problem for me because I have a difficult time deciding what is more or less important. If I didn’t feel something was worth my time I would not take it on, but because I do, you can see why this decision is tough for me.
I then attempt to make a list of what needs to be done first chronologically, but as I am at this current moment, I am often swamped with everything to be due at once. Once again, I use a cliché to describe this situation. When it rains, it pours.

Once again I am faced with another decision of how to get everything done so I look to set up a schedule where I can devote time to each task on hand. But, it is quite difficult to plan ahead because things always come up unexpectedly and change the course of one’s pre-charted destination.
I am then faced with the decision that I must make sacrifices in order to accomplish everything in due time. This again is a most difficult chore because although I do have some time to sacrifice, that time is my last spare moments of “free” time that I often spend with friends, or by merely relaxing. I feel that this is also an essential part of my wellbeing because if I was to work every waking moment without time for relaxation and fun, I would breakdown and not be able to function properly. Yet, if I were to sacrifice that fun time, I may not be as stressed because I would be getting everything done on time.
For people like me, I feel that we would not be as fulfilled if we did not take on as much as we do because we would feel we would be missing something. Yet if we take care of everything in a timely fashion, we are required to sacrifice “fun” time in order to accomplish all the tasks we have taken on, and that is self-defeating when we are speaking of fulfillment.

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Now to look at the other side of the coin, there are those who are quite laid back in their ideals on how to handle their time. Many people I have spoken with who take things as they come, and don’t go out of their way to accomplish them are often unhappy as well. They often feel they do not have enough initiative to complete the necessary tasks in life and this disturbs them. Yet, they don’t seem to desire, or maybe even know how to take action. These people are not go-getters, but they do not stress as often as the compulsively busy people do.
So where is the happy medium in all of this? This is quite a question because it varies from person to person. If one changes from one extreme to another, he will often find the grass is not always greener on the other side, but it is quite difficult to find a perfect mean between the two extremes of behavior. And if one decides one wants to take action and change his ways, how does he go about breaking his already known ways. This is a very difficult task because we do not know whether the difference between a fast paced busy-body and a laid back person is genetic or learned, and that, I believe, is what we must first find out before anyone can make that change.

End paper…..

You can see even then I was questioning what was my genetics and what was my environment, due to being adopted. The questions ran so deep and permeated everything I did. I now know the answers in some ways. I know I am highly genetic in that I am very much like my birth parents. In this particular topic, I will say that my adoptive Dad is very motivated and my adoptive Mom is not. Both of my birth parents are highly motivated and hard working people. So I would say that it is a very difficult trait to “unlearn”  or reverse.

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In recent years, I have been trying to learn how to say no more often, especially to things that I really don’t want to do and I am trying to learn how to prioritize a little better. One thing that remains is that I am still often inefficient with my time.

I realized only a few years ago that I do have ADHD. I never realized this and I got by fairly well as a child. I did well in school and learned techniques to get by. But in some ways, I think the pressures of being an adult seem to have brought out the worst in me as far as this syndrome goes and it became quite apparent that I was either more of a flake than I thought or there was something else going on. And it finally came to light that I did have ADHD. And look and behold, when I found my birthdad, I came to find out that my birth brothers had it. So that is genetic to me.

I had dabbled with medication for it and have gone on and off for various reasons, cost kept changing and at times was very steep, at one point they made my Dr write special letters to explain why I needed it. It became more of a hassle than it was worth. I just went back on it again this month and luckily neither of those things are an issue anymore. With the medication I do find I am able to stay on task a bit more and get more accomplished. I am more efficient with my time and I also seem to have more well formulated thought processes as well. Things seem to connect better for me in my brain that never did before. For example, I’ve seen the movie Inception a few times now. I often forget people’s names from movies. One would think I would remember the girl’s name in particular from this movie though for starters. Her name is Ariadne. I named my clarinet Ariadne in high school and since then I have used that name as an alias and in many things, including as my business name (Ariadne’s Music). So, forgetting that tragedy that I couldn’t even remember her name, my husband got me the totem of the little top that Leo DiCaprio’s character carries with him for our anniversary and gave it to me this past weekend.

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So it got me thinking about the movie and I only realized that her name was Ariadne when I looked up the movie to look up what her totem was and then I was disgusted with myself that I had forgotten her name again. So beyond that, what I was really getting at with how the ADHD meds had helped me was that last night I was watching the new show that I am binging on, The Librarians, and this episode dealt with the Minotaur and the labyrinth and the string. This is Ariadne’s story, though they never make mention of her name. All of a sudden it Dawn’s on me the connection between the name of Ariadne in Inception and why she is named as such. Because she creates the labyrinth within the dreamscapes of Inception. It abhors me that I never figured that out before considering I am so well versed in the story of Ariadne. And it never once came to me while I was watching the movie Inception. It took ADHD medication to bridge that gap in my brain and an episode of another television show that dealt with a labyrinth and a similar setting, somewhat, to make this connection. My brain is fascinating sometimes.

However, I am most inefficient with my words as well. I collect quotes because I admire those who can summarize a worldly concept and be so concise in thought as to do it in just a line or two. They can get across a punchline that it would take me an entire dissertation to expound my thoughts. Some day I hope to learn the art of being succinct. That day is clearly not today!!!

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/inefficient