Stranger than Fiction: From Birth to Eternity in Wonderland


I started the process of writing my book a while ago. People who’ve known me well and heard all of my life stories have told me that I needed to write a book because my stories are just so outlandish that people would think that they were made up, but they’re not. Many people, close friends even, have thought me to be a liar because of my Narcissistic adoptive Dad and how great he is at making everything seem so wonderful on the outside but no one lived with me behind closed doors. So I had no one to vouch for me. I believed I was the crazy one until 3 years ago.

But it was about 5 or so years ago that I had begun to write my book. That was before I made contact with my birth parents. And once I did, I stopped the writing process, because I knew there would be alot of changed details from what I had been told and thought to be true. And recently I decided that I wanted to pick it back up again, but I was blocked as to how to restart the process. I was originally planning on a novel that was written in a fiction style but that was generally autobiographical, with names and such changed. But how to link together all the main events that I wanted to touch on and make smooth transitions with was the challenge.

And then, by a miraculous stroke of insight, the idea for a complete change of format, something completely unique came to me.

Once I found out my birth name, Mary Alice, I began feeling a kinship to that name through the name Alice in particular and seeing parallels of my life to the tale of Alice in Wonderland, as you have all seen through the theme of my page. Each character in the Alice in Wonderland story easily represents someone in my.real life story and many of the allegories that have been made about the Alice tale are quite fitting as well to my journey as well.

The way I am now writing my book is a very unique format, one that has not quite been done before. And that could be a good or a bad thing. But it will definitely catch attention either way. And it won’t be the same ole same ole. I am hoping that it will be something that would be so fresh that publishers would want to run with it.

I am sort of telling my autobiography still, but I am telling it through the Alice characters now. But the Alice characters will represent who they represent in my life, which also means some gender changes for the well known characters. I am telling the tale in snippet like sections and interspersing it with my own pre-written quotes that sort of summarize the philosophies and things to be learned from each section of the stories. I am going to do my own drawings of the revised characters and use my own artwork. The Alice (young and innocent Alice-there might be morphing Alice pictures through the decades) character at the top is just a play with an avatar making app to get some ideas before I start sketching them out.

There are several other components that will make it unique, but I am hoping that it will be a cool mixture of using a whimsical fairytale as a catharsis to tell a droll tale of my life in order to help others see perspectives on things they wouldn’t have otherwise seen, or to help people who are going through or will go through situations similar to mine with my appropriately timed inspirational and anecdotal quotes interspersed throughout the retold fairytale. And retold fairy tales are all the rage these days among adults as well. So, I am really hoping that this will be a smash hit. It is writing itself so easily. As soon as I got this idea, I already wrote through my birth and adoption and am starting my first decade of life. I am super pumped.


The White Rabbit-who is female because the White Rabbit is my birth mom….




“Don’t be afraid to lose what was never meant to be……things will never change, till you want them to.” -Matthew and Gunnar Nelson

I’m a total geek. I know. I still love this band. Even back in the day when they were mega popular, they still got ragged on hardcore. When I met my husband, he was calling them Woody and Boner. Still does. Probably hates them more now knowing how much I like them. Though I don’t even think he knows how much of a fan I am. I keep it more downlow with him because I hate hearing him make fun of them. Especially since I met them back in 2010 and found out exactly how amazingly nice they are. The day I met them was literally a dream coming true. I had a dream when I was 13 that I met them at an outdoor concert and was hanging out with them after the concert. When I went to the M3 Concert in 2010, which is a Festival type concert with a ton of bands, I had no clue I’d get to meet them in person. In fact, they had VIP passes that they sold for that festival that you had to purchase in order to meet the bands, but Nelson broke that rule and met everyone anyway, because that’s who they are. They even say it at their shows, that they aren’t just in the music business, they are in the connection business, because they love to meet their fans that much.


I’ve posted this picture on some of my other blog posts too, but this whole article now is about them. This picture above was when I met them in 2010. Unfortunately the picture turned out blurry. The one on the left is Matthew and the one on the right is Gunnar, for anyone who actually cares. They actually took alot of time that day to talk to me. I was in celeb heaven so I don’t fully remember everything, but I know they actually talked to me more than I expected that day. I also bought a CD for them to sign.


For anyone who doesn’t know who they are…..they are from a pedigree family. Their grandparents are Ozzie and Harriet’s who had a sitcom when tv was first invented. Their son and the twins dad was Ricky Nelson, who grew up acting on the Ozzie and Harriet Show and then broke in to the Music Business at 16 after singing on the show. Ozzie also had a Big Band as well, so he was also musical. Then Ricky married Kristin Harmon and had the twins who became a popular hair band right at the end of the hair band era with #1 billboard hits of “Love and Affection”, “After the Rain” and “Only Time will Tell”. They are in the Guiness Book of World Records as being the only 3 consecutive generational family to have #1 top hits on the billboard charts. Not only is that their heritage, but their sister is Tracey Nelson who has been on Broadway and was in the Father Dowling Mysteries TV Show, their Uncle (their mother’s brother) is Mark Harmon’s from NCIS and the movie Summer School and their Grandfather on their mothers side is Tom Harmon who was a football player and a Heismann Trophy recipient. They are from a top pedigree family alright. Talk about some genetic line there…..

So, after 8 years, I finally got the opportunity to get a new and clear picture with them last Thursday…..😁🤘


This time they are in the reverse order, Gunnar on the left and Matthew on the right. This time I went to their Ricky Nelson Remembered Show where they put on a multi-media experience tribute show to their dad and play their dads songs (and a couple of their own). That was where I got my old piano sheet music signed by them which is the first picture at the top of the page. I brought all three of their top hits songs that I still had the sheet music of from back when I was younger and got them to sign it for me.

One of the coolest things happened today though. I had posted this picture of me with them on Twitter last week and they retweeted it (and it has been my most popular tweet ever, more retweets and likes than anything I’ve ever tweeted before!). And then today (though I think it was yesterday and I only saw it today), they actually FOLLOWED me on Twitter.


This is so cool to me because they only follow the blue checked marked people, as in famous celebs/pages/accounts. And they followed little ole me. Now, I will admit that I’ve been told it is their management team that handles their social media accounts….however, even still, I don’t know if that means they’re never on it, but even if it’s just their management who followed me, someone from their team took notice of me and followed my Twitter account. It might sound incredibly shallow, and normally I am not some crazed fan girl, but they make me giddy. Must be the teenager thing because I liked them when I was 13 and it takes me back to being a teenager again. It made me feel special today. It made me feel noticed, and I don’t feel that very often. And certainly not by anyone associated with a band I literally dreamed about and hung posters on my wall of when I was 13.  Go me….Manifesting my dreams…The sky is the limit!!!!

My song of the day: Autograph by Nelson

Can’t get any more apropos to this blog post than this song!!!

I think I’ve seen every film you’ve been in
First in line for your magazine
On my bedroom wall you’re staring back at me?

I blew my trust fund, to get to know you
I write you letters and you don’t write back,
but that’s ok~I’ll always love you anyway

I just want your autograph(your autograph)
a sign, I met you in the past(touched your hand)
There’s nothing I won’t do,
So what I gotta give to get an autograph from you?


I’m Number one on your fan club roster,
You’re number one on the Billboard charts
I don’t think I’ve made to your speed dial yet,
but~ it’s a start.

I think you think we got a lot in common
We’re both in love with you and that’s a fact
Till you cry on my shoulder
I need a little piece of you to tide me over

I just want your autograph(your autograph)
Some Proof I had the Balls to ask (took the chance)

Face Time and One Line,
There’s nothing I won’t do~
to get a Autograph from you?



I hope this doesn’t come across as scary,
I hope it’s you when I lose my cherry
Crazy maybe
Fate has had Stranger things have happen.

I just want your autograph
Just maybe, you’ll see me on the fair,
Face time, One Love,
There’s nothing that I won’t do
For an autograph from you.


If you’ve got it, flaunt it?


As I have revealed in many of my past writings, I have self esteem issues. Due to my lack of self love (from the lack of proper love in childhood formative years), an early substitution of sweet taste when I am irritable due to the need for physical affection and not receiving it and it’s subsequent translation to emotional eating and weight issues, my feelings of “never good enough” and second best/choice…I have always struggled to look in the mirror and believe that I am beautiful and sexy and feel secure enough in my self to not be intimidated by the world as it is.

With the amount of women who flaunt what they’ve got, and the men who ogle at all of the perfect photoshopped celebrities and porn stars out there, and even the real women out there who have the money or the time to dedicate their lives to organic eating and gym obsessions or the luck of skinny gene’s, I don’t stand a chance to feel wantable. I always feel like there’s always someone better to crave, always someone to skinnier and sexier to lust after than me. The ease of obtaining images to turn someone on and the fantasies that can be spun that are more than some women are able to live up to, and it causes some of us feel inferior our entire lives to a standard we are and never will be able to measure up to. Even just watching R rated movies often exposes women’s bodies and makes me self conscious of my own. Victoria’s secret commercials, TV shows with barely there bikinis. I constantly retreat in to myself, and the more bodies I see exposed, the more I want to cover myself up. The more they flaunt, the less I do.

My song of the day: Photograph by Def Leppard

Frothy mouth


A little layer of froth forms

At the corners of my mouth

As I lie with phone in hand

Mind and soul adrift

To the dreamscapes behind my eyes

Sleep has alluded me for days

No more able to put to pen

Than but this for tonight.

Fields of paper flowers

And candy clouds of lullaby’s await me.


My song of the day: Appropos of this one to have come on my playlist today..


I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops as they’re falling tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos, your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

R-U-S2uPid Happy?


The title actually reads: Are you Stupid happy? Just in case you didn’t get that. It’s a pun on R2D2….Because I’m stupid happy in this picture here when I met R2D2 in person. That is one serious smile right there. I know it’s just a robot. But it was so beyond cool. I am a Star Wars fan. I only started liking Star Wars in college when an ex boyfriend, a psychologically abusive one at that, made me go watch, for the first time, the original trilogy when they were re-released. But my love for R2D2 started long before that. I watched Sesame Street when I was little. And they always had guest stars on. And the original run of Star Wars came out around the time I was little and watching Sesame Street, so R2 and C3PO were always on. And I loved R2 from moment I saw him on the screen. I don’t know what it was.

I have him on my keychain


I used to have him as my device charger in the car, but it stopped working properly 😪 It would bleep and blurp every time I turned the car on.


I even have the Lego version of him that was my own set! He is out most of the year.


So when he was there at Lego Fest that I took my daughter to last year I seriously had a cow. He was there with all the bleeps and blurps and then some, real life sized. Here is the video from it….the camera shaking is me jumping up and down like a little freaking kid because I’m so happy. And thats me towards the end calling out “I love you R2″….It’s really ridiculous how happy I got over this….


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I have ritualistic jewelry that I wear for my performances, a sort of talisman. It originally started with just my pearl and diamond earrings that were my grandmother’s that we had converted from clip on in to pierced after she passed away. I have worn those since I was in college. Since then, I have added other diamond like dangle earrings, black pearl drop earrings and my dragon cuff earring who whispers in my ear as I play my melodies. He breathes the life force spirit in to me and I breathe out the music spirit. There have also been specific rings, necklaces and bracelets added as well over time. It may seem silly, but it has just come to be a grounding technique for me as I perform.

Happy St. Patty’s



Embracing the Irishness I didn’t know I had until 3 years ago when I found my birthdad. Happy St. Patty’s Day WordPress Nation. Today’s song of the day has always been a favorite of mine, even before I knew I was Irish. I am disappointed with the video for this song. I always picture a fairy or witches ceremonial circle dancing around in the woods/Forrest in a very magical type of setting when I hear this song. Something like what the picture below depicts. At any rate, this song is appropriate for today with all it’s Celtic lore.


Pushing the restart button


Nor shall this peace sleep with her; but as when

The bird of wonder dies, the maiden Phoenix,

Her ashes new create another heir

As great in admiration as herself;

So shall she leave her blessedness to one,

When heaven shall call her from this cloud of darkness,

Who from the sacred ashes of her honour

Shall star-like rise as great in fame as she was,

And so stand fix’d.

From: The play Henry VIII by William Shakespeare and John Fletcher, the King says this in Act V Scene V, in flattering reference to his young daughter Elizabeth (who was to become Queen Elizabeth I)


As I leave the past 40 years in my wake, I push the restart button. I am ready for a rebirth. Just as the Great Phoenix combusts and from it’s own ashes rises again, I too shall recreate myself from the ashes which were left behind.

Religion for me has been a tumultuous path. Praying in the traditional format has not been something that has felt right to me. And so a few years ago, I decided that since journaling was something that worked well for me, that I would keep prayer journals instead. My last entry in my prayer journal (I do have other ways that I pray as well) was a few weeks before my 40th birthday, which was in December of 2017. In it, I analyzed how I would define each of the decades of my life and description of myself at those points in time thus far and to set my intention and hopes for the upcoming decade. Here is my analysis and intention.

1st Decade: 0-10 years of age: Course re-direction, follower, unaware, asleep

2nd decade: 10-20 years of age: Chrysalis stage. Intuition and clairsentience appear, leader qualities emerge

3rd decade: 20-30 years of age: Rebellion, self-discovery, personal philosophies and spirituality develop

4th decade: 30-40 years of age: Paradigm shift, re-evaluation, metamorphosis, resilience

Hopes and Intentions for 5th decade: 40-50 years of age: Emergence of butterfly, deliverence from Dark Night of the Soul, clarity, courage, peace, truth

For three years prior to now, I have been in what I would best describe as what Catholics call the Dark Night of the Soul. Almost every single one of the important relationships in my life had major paradigm shifts within less than a year’s time. It shut my psyche down. I was struggling to stay functional and afloat.

I finally asked my doctor for an extra medication (I am already on an anti-anxiety med) for depression. I began taking that probably in September or so of 2017. It did start to finally work and get me over the hump and quiet my mind from going down the rabbit hole every single day. Unfortunately, it also, like many anti-depressants do, made me gain weight very rapidly. Weight is something I struggle with and that plays on my self esteem.

I wanted to get myself off this medication due to the weight gain. Every time I tried to stop taking it, even for a day, I would cry uncontrollably and slip down that rabbit hole.

At some point in December, a friend of mine began texting me. She is someone who I worked with several years ago. During the summer, she and I and two other music teachers made a trip to a music store together to purchase music for our bands. On that road trip, she noticed I was wearing a necklace that had several charms with chakra symbols on them. She opened up a conversation with me about reiki, chakras and things of that nature. This was a side of each other that neither of us knew about until that moment. Once she realized this about me, it opened up a commonality between us, something I think we both longed for, since we both don’t seem to have many people in our lives that are supportive of this side of us. She texted me in December about something on the esoteric side, about people who are new souls frustrating her. We began texting frequently with each other. Those conversations led to me having an insight about something that would re-direct my journey.

I began to develop a ritual and spirit space that would include an altar of sorts and during which I would have a nightly tea and sweet, have prayer, light candles for various needs, journal, balance chakras etc. The development of this finally led to the beginning of my restart, my rebirth. This was right around the time of my 40th birthday and the New Year. It also allowed me to finally discontinue the use of the anti-depression medication. Now I need to find my groove and motivation to shed the pounds I gained from the medication, along with the excess pounds I had even before I began that medication, as I was never content with my weight to begin with.

I wish I could be someone who didn’t need to be shallow and feel the constant need to lose weight in order to feel good about myself. But circumstances in my life have drawn my brain to function in this light. I am working to develop confidence in myself and to love myself in other ways so that I can shed the psychological need for junk food, which is what causes the excess weight; they go hand in hand.

Today I attended another meeting of the short term spiritual book club I am a part of. The book we are reading speaks of not focusing so much on getting rid of a bad habit, but developing many good habits so as to crowd the bad habits out. I love this perspective and I think that I had already intuitively begun to do just that. I have been doing this by creating my spirit space ritual, joining that short term spiritual reading club, making a habit of writing for this blog every day instead of once in a while as I had been doing previously, and ensuring that I keep up with my daily inspirational readings and doing two of them per day instead of the one per day that I had done for the past couple of years. I am working slowly towards adding in more and more good habits, and hopefully the bad habits will be crowded out.

I decided when I made my New Year’s Resolutions this year, that I would approach them in the opposite manner that I, and probably most people, usually do. I am pretty certain that most people begin the year gung-ho with their resolutions, full force, and then can’t keep up with it, which is why you hear of so many people failing at their resolutions. So this year I decided to have compassion with myself and to not be hard on myself if I failed at my resolutions and to not let that mean I was going to give up on them or that I failed myself. I can always restart a resoltuion even if I fail at some point. I was going to work on one resolution at a time so that it wasn’t an overwhelming amount of change all at once that would be impossible to keep up with. Baby steps. We enter the third month of the year as of today, and I believe that I am definitely doing much better with this approach than the other method. I am continually adding new, good habits all the time and am feeling better, on the whole (of course I have my bad days, but I am rebounding much faster than I have in the past).

A restart and rebirth, like a phoenix, in the 5th decade on this planet and during this lifetime. I rise from the ashes!

I believe in Faries: WPC


I believe in Faries. I have always had a fascination with the fantasy realms since I was very young. Dragons, Castles, Pegasus, Unicorns, Faries…..When I was old enough and had a space of my own to decorate, you can imagine I created my own Dragons Lair in my Living Room and a Farie Forest in my Sleeping Quarters. My step daughter believes in Faries too. She believes she is one. Her favorite character is Tinkerbell. This is from a photo shoot that her friend who dabbles with photography took. They frequently make trips out in to wooded forests with various props, and the results are astounding. Her friend has a real gift. It certainly makes me feel magical inside when I look at this picture of my step daughter. So graceful, irridescent and incandescent. As if she could flutter off in to the sky at any moment with a spritely little leap. I believe in Faries, do you?

And the spelling of Faries is no accident or ignorance on my part. When I found my birth parents, I found out that my birth father’s last name is Faries. Coincidental? I think not!