The Artificial life of Adoption

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My entire life has been artificial. I feel like the only real thing in an artificial life that I have been forced to live. The mere premise of adoption seeks to create a seemingly real situation for those whose adoption was based on the birthmother surrendering the child out of shame for having the child out of wedlock at a young age, being persuaded by the religious factions, not having enough money to raise the child, and being adopted by a married couple who struggled to get pregnant and had the money to adopt a child. The idea was to supply a childless couple with a child to help them get over their grief and give them a replacement, and to give the birthmother a way to move on with her life as if the “ugly situation” never occurred. Many adoptive couples even chose not to tell the adoptee that they were even adopted, or told them much later in life. Adoptees call these adoptive parents mom and dad because they are raising them. Even though giving birth to a child certainly doesn’t make a person a parent, raising a child really doesn’t earn them that title either.

My birth certificate is artificial. Yup, that’s right. The only document that is allowed to be legally falsified without any penalties. My legal birth certificate states that I am born to my adoptive parents. My real one is sealed up in New Jersey. Thanks to a new law finally passed in NJ after much deliberation, in 2017 I am finally able to obtain my original birth certificate in the same manner everyone else is. Even though I have already made contact with my birth parents, having that piece of paper will mean alot to me. Knowing that I am finally able to have something other than the artificial farce that I currently have in my.possession will mean alot to me. Even though the original one can only serve as a historical document, that is still important to me. To have proof on paper that the real me exists. When I originally began the process of searching for my birthparents, NJ, the state where I was born, told me they didn’t even have record of me. I had to go to the Florida adoption agency where my adoption was finalized in order to find somewhere that knew of my existence. It may not sound like much, but to see those words in an email, that the State of New Jersey has no record of you….that stings….especially when you have lived a life shrouded in secrets and mystery and lies and cover-ups your entire time on this earth.

I had to act in an artificial manner growing up so as to keep my parents anger at bay. I couldn’t ask too many questions about my birthparents because it was made very clear to me how betrayed they would feel if I ever searched for them. I tried so desperately to fit in to the persona my parents wanted me to be because they made it very clear that who I really was, wasn’t acceptable to them. Any difference in me that they didn’t understand or approve of was berated and attributed to my genetic heritage. Because I ate differently with a knife and fork, I was chided for that being the “English” in me and that was said in a very condescending manner. (Funny side note-though that was what was listed in my adoption papers, that I was German and English; once I found my birthparents I found out I was really German, Swiss, Irish and Welsh….no English in me…so the abusive comments were even based on wrong information and incorrect). I knew from a young age I wasn’t being true to myself and was struggling to find my identity.

Affection felt artificial. My mom forced it upon me. It was for HER benefit not mine. I always felt, from a young age, as though I was there to fulfill her need for love rather than the other way around. She was abused horribly by my witchy grandmother, and for that I do pity her. But I was not her little pawn to do her bidding for love. I should have never been seen as the way to make up for what her mother failed to give her. My parents failed at a lot of things, yet I don’t use my daughter as a means to heal those wounds. She charged me as a young child with a huge responsibility when it was me who had suffered the trauma of being ripped from my birthmother that was pre-verbal, that I could never express even if I tried to, and I would never have been allowed to. I had to keep my feelings to myself so as not to hurt theirs. It was always about them. They saw themselves as the hero who rescued poor little me from a potential life of despair and gave me a wonderful life where they supported me monetarily and showed up at my events. And therefore they were wonderful parents in their own eyes and boasted about it all the time. No one on the outside knew about all the times my dad would come home from work screaming his head off about God knows what and talked about wanting to run the car off the road into a telephone poll and commit suicide. Yup, I remember hearing that one as young as 6 or 7. And I didn’t even remember how much that upset me until I was triggered by that when my step kids were living with me and their good for nothing mother would tell them all the time about how she tried to or wanted to commit suicide and would do it for pity and attention from them whenever they weren’t paying her enough of it or if they had hurt her feelings.over something just to rope them back in. It hurt me to the core to watch another parent do that to kids and then to know that they were on her side and despised me at the time because of all the lies she was telling them about me.

The artificial personalities of my parents in general are something that will be explored in depth throughout this blog. My Dad is such a malignant narcissist it is beyond imagination the kind of stunts he has pulled. He is as fake to the core as they come. He can be one of the most charming people. He literally has everyone fooled except for those who know me personally and have gotten a small glimpse and 2 of my cousins on my mom’s side and the handful of people he has cut out of his life who have dared to go up against him. My husband’s family thought he was great, until my bridal shower happened, and still not even quite then,moreso when my baby shower occurred because that was when my mom sent my sister in law a nasty email and she finally saw it first hand. That was 6 years in to my relationship with my husband. My bridal shower was 3 but that was still only them hearing about it via my husband where it was something that affected them that my parents had done. They are so cunning. But last year when they started to involve my daughter in to their schemes, that’s when I finally started to realize I was not the crazy one. I finally caught my dad flat out in bold faced lies that I was able to confirm. And I was not about to let him start affecting my daughter the way he has affected me. That’s when I laid down the boundaries. That was also a big portion of my depression. Changing the dynamic of my relationship with them. I finally stood up to them in a way I never had before. I told them all about themselves and how much I saw through their games and antics. I told them I was no longer going to play along just to keep the peace the way I had been all along. I wouldn’t be artificial anymore because they have never known the real me. I have always tried so hard to vie for their approval and hid my true self in order to achieve that and still never have, so I am just going to be me, because I am proud of who I am, regardless of what they think of me. This has been a very hard change for me to make.

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Artificial

I volunteer for a great purge

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The Great Purge

I have always felt badly that I do not participate more in volunteer work. My daughter’s school is always asking for volunteers each year and it’s often the same moms and dads. Last school year the Girl Scout cookie mom agreed to be cookie mom for 3 troops only if she could have some help with some of the aspects of it. I couldn’t let her take on all of that by herself, so I volunteered to take over the cookie booth portion for our Brownie troop. That was a lot of work.

I decided around my 20th high school reunion to finally bring to fruition an idea I had during my 10th reunion which was to create a separate band reunion since that spanned multi-classes. I originally was trying to organize it just for the 8 classes that spanned my 4 years. It ended up turning in to a huge undertaking when I contacted the alumni director at the school to ask to use the band room so we could play together as part of the reunion. In doing so, she volunteered me to make this an official reunion that included all graduating classes.

Both of these large volunteer tasks took place during a 12 month span when my life took a dive down the rabbit hole throwing me into a deep depression, something I have never experienced in my life.

They say that when life becomes too overwhelming that you should get rid of something. Alot of somethings. And so I began that process after the band reunion took place in June 2016. The Great Purge.

I knew my life needed some major life changes. Things had been going very wrong for quite some time. My life had some major paradigm shifts all at one time. Things that although I did have some control over some of those shifts, they were necessary shifts, and ones that made me very uncomfortable and brought about alot of very final realizations, things I needed to mourn and come to terms with. And so, the more I can now purge from my life that I can feel good about gaining control about in my life can hopefully only bring about positive change now.

It started with my resolve to say “no” to extra projects and volunteer things people ask of me. Even though it takes volunteers to make so many things happen and I am so thankful for and in admiration of those who can dedicate themselves to volunteer work, I am just not one of those people. I need to keep reminding myself that those who are able to volunteer all the time might not have jobs or work as much or as many as awkward hours as I do. They may not have as many battles in life to deal with mentally as I do. They may not have the lack of babysitter options that I do. Etc…I noticed how much I was failing my family, my job and myself when I took on the two large volunteer tasks, and I cannot let those things suffer.

The next things that met The Great Purge were a horrible gaming app that sucked me in and got me spending actual money, something I’ve never done before and am so ashamed that I got sucked in to doing. This game was a master at manipulating my weakened and feeble mind at the time in to spending exorbitant amounts of money that we don’t have on a silly stupid game. (That game is Yahtzee with Friends by the way….stay away…it is the devil)…Next was Facebook (that may not be permanent, but at least it is semi-permanent-been over 2 months now).

My newest epiphany is purging all animal meat from my diet. I have always struggled with the idea of eating animals. I am a complete empath in every sense of the word. My daughter plays Minecraft (incessantly-she has Aspergers and that is her “special interest” for the past year or so) and it actually bothers me when she kills them in order to get the meat in survival mode. It bothers me that this is even a thing in a game she plays, even though it is part of the circle of life, it hurts my heart. I have always struggled with my weight anyway and my eating habits, so why not try to do this all at once. My husband is trying to eat better right now, and if we are both on the same general page at the same time it will be easier to stick to. I want to try to really commit to this. With my husband having an odd work schedule where I eat 8 dinners alone for the most part before his 6 days where we will eat together, those can hopefully be easy. Today when we went out to a little farm fall event with a corn maze and such, we ate there and I was even strong there and got the vegetable stir fry and rice.

Next I need to back on track for purging from my house which needs it terribly. The meme above is by flylady.net. If you have never checked out that website, do it. I discovered it 2 years ago and it can be life changing if I wouldn’t have sunken in to my depression. She has an amazing system for getting your life organized and is like crack to someone with OCD. She is so meticulous and gives you great ideas for how to organize your day to get and keep your house clean, keep up with chores, be efficient with your time…I need to get back to her system. I have started re-laying the groundwork and hope to have it all back in place and ready to put in to full action by the start of the new year.

I am finally feeling a little better and as if I have a little bit of a plan and am making some positive changes. I might not be there yet, but I’m better than where I was just a little while ago. I have also started using this hypnosis app at night while I sleep that I think is really starting to help. I’ve been using several different module/topic ones and I am really starting to feel a shift in my consciousness. I have never tried to be hypnotized in the middle of the day, and I have always felt like I would not be able to be. But falling asleep with this on I really think is speaking to my subconscious. It is the same concept as how they say people can hear you when they are in a coma and it is beneficial for their loved ones to come and speak to them to try and bring them out of the coma. If you can be reached and affected in that state, then the repetition can hopefully override all the other negative things that I have been told throughout my life and that I now tell myself as a result of that. It certainly can’t hurt. So I will keep trying that during the times when my husband is on shift and not sleeping at home at night. I will keep you all posted later on as to whether I really feel a few months from now if the hypnosis app has really been what has helped me turn things around and made permanent changes in my life. I was never much of a believer in it before, so if it convinces me, you might want to give it a shot yourself because I was always skeptical but have been so willing these past few months to try anything I could think of to bring about change in my life.

via Daily Prompt: Volunteer

Sabotaged by the need for truth 10/20/16

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“And the truth shall set you free”…

Back to Biblical times, this quote is found in a Bible passage and is an adage spoken time and again. I have been honesty’s number one fan for quite some time. My life was born in lies and shrouded in secrecy since my conception. My need to fight against that is so ingrained as a survival skill that it has begun to sabotage me.

I had an epiphany the other day. Certain facts I had already known about myself. I am a truth seeker and truth speaker. I despise greediness. I cringe at hypocrisy. But something came together for me and I could see it in my mind’s eye, like the pieces of a puzzle coming together or a math equation being solved mid-air like in “A Beautiful Mind”. My dire need to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God, is getting me in major trouble. It is causing me the proverbial diarrhea of the mouth out of fear of being a hypocrite. It has become an offspring of an OCD branch of my multitude of issues gained from my genetics and childhood of being adopted and then subsequently raised by parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Or, at least one of them definitely has it, the other one is his flying monkey and mimics his behavior at times because she is his puppet, along with her own string of psychological issues).

The recent situation that brought this to light for me was a recent position that I applied for. It is a music instructor position in a highly religious school. This job would really help us out financially, something we are in desperate need of. I want so badly to help out our family and feel more useful without having to sacrifice the time with my daughter or my general sanity in departing from my desired career path (one I’ve been very happy with the last few years but that I’m not making as much money in as I can due to the time constraints of being the mother of a 9 year old). This new position would have been a good compromise, though not exactly what I enjoy the most, something I could handle while making more money within a time frame that doesn’t sacrifice family time.

In the initial interview they asked me about my background in faith since they are a devout Christian school, so I gave them the resume type facts without going in to my actual personal feelings about religion, because I differ very much from their perception. I made it through that interview fine. After emailing again and proposing a sample letter, they asked for my “thoughts” on whether I felt comfortable with their Statement of Faith. And that’s where it went to hell in a hand basket. They asked me about my opinion. For my truth. I don’t like being a hypocrite. I still even faked it quite a bit and didn’t really go in to my full beliefs, but I went in to a full dissertation via email about how I felt that their one statement of how they believe that salvation is based solely on the grace of God and faith alone was missing the component of good works and leading a life of good example. I stated that due to my own personal life experiences (because I’ve met far too many people that claim themselves to be Christians that are bad people in my eyes-but I didn’t say that part) and the fact that I am Catholic and not just “Christian” that my ideas might differ slightly but that I am comfortable enough with their statement to teach the children exactly what they prescribe. I haven’t heard from them since. My desperate need to speak my full truth and not be a hypocrite may have cost me this job and this opportunity to help my family get out of financial crisis.

Conversely, I have tried to be more dogged in my paperwork and invoicing when students don’t pay me the day of their lesson rather than letting it slide a week or two and just letting them catch up, which has probably turned in to me not keeping track and getting slighted several payments by several students in years past. I have always felt uncomfortable treating my business like a business, but as this meme says, in order to get ahead and to help my family get in better shape financially, this is what I’m supposed to be doing right? Following up and going after what is rightfully mine like any other company would? So how come I am being punished as soon as I get up the nerve to do this? This year, more than any other year past, more students have been forgetting their payments each week, writing the checks out wrong, etc…I am having to wait on payments constantly this year. Even when I tried to reschedule students because they had to miss a day of lessons due to school scheduling, one student who was able to switch days magically had an orthodontic issue immediately after emailing me that she could have a lesson and then had to cancel, thus resulting in me not being able to net that money due to some fluke accident as soon as I try to advocate for myself to get ahead. Every book and guru says the world doesn’t conspire against you and you make your own destiny by constantly having a defeatist attitude. But I don’t know what more I can do. These situations constantly occur in my life no matter how hard I try. I have been trying to find a happy medium between the two “types” described in this meme and can’t seem to make either one work.

If anyone has the answer, please let me know…because luck has never been on my side, and trying to make my own luck doesn’t seem to be working either. I am working on not sabotaging myself anymore though, at least I know what I’m doing wrong on that front. Just breaking that habit is going to be hard.

The Past is never past 10/19/16

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“Is it that people live in the past, or that the past lives in people?”

 

This is a quote I heard today on XM radio from one of the DJs. I didn’t catch who penned it. I am sure he was simply restating it as he was delivering quotes at every interlude. I am currently trying everything I can to quiet my toxic past. I am tired of it ruining my life and operating the controls of the cockpit inside my brain. Unfortunately, I am having to go through a darker period right now in order to get a full grasp of exactly how much of my life the past has a hold of. I am going through the transparency of awareness. It is as if I can see the inner workings of my brain from a third person point of view. It is difficult right now for the few people I have left that are close to me to be going through this with me. While I have expressed anger before, it has never been in such an obsessive manner. It has never been in such an over-analytical way and it has never caused such deep depression. It seems like I am a burden to some and they just want me to get over it already and they don’t agree with my point of view. I feel very alone right now. Even those that do support me, to some degree all have some sort of doubt in one area or another. And I know everyone would think, then it must be me. But it is shown in the research that victims of narcissists are made out to feel like this. No one else other than those who have lived it first hand can know. The survivors are always invalidated by others and made to feel insane and the narcissists are so cunning at their craft that they can convince and manipulate everyone in to thinking that it is their victim who is the crazy one. And here I am, STILL feeling like the crazy one. Even to those who admit what insidious creatures my parents can be, still think I am over reacting or reading things wrong. There is a fine line between madness and genius. I walk that line. I am so exhausted from people pushing me to the dark side of that line and seeing me in the shadows of that line. Everyone who knows me well knows that I take everything people say to heart and that I change all the time based on things people say to me and the faults they find in me. I am constantly over analyzing myself and often agree with everyone else’s assessment of my shortcomings and I try to make adjustments. So why is it that in this one area of my life where I need people’s support and validation more than anywhere else, people have to constantly try to negate me and challenge me? I support EVERYONE. When my friends and family vent to me about others, I back them up. Yet right now when I need to feel like I have people who believe in me and believe me, I feel so alone and I feel like everyone thinks its their job to play constant devils advocate with me. Boy would those same people get irate if I were to constantly play that role in their life. If I were to nitpick and take the other persons side every time they had a scuffle or were angry with someone. I finally started using my voice, found it again after feeling stifled for so many years I lost count, and now that I am finally feeling comfortable in doing so, I am still being told I’m wrong by the whole world and that I missed the mark…If everyone’s intention is to cage me back up, it’s not going to happen. I will just be a little more careful from now on and I will make sure I have all my bases covered before confiding in anyone. I will make sure I have my proof first before letting the hypothesis out of my head. So I guess in a way I will be crawling back inside my cage, but don’t mistake my silence for permanent passiveness. I am just going to be more powerful when I break free each time because I will have all my ducks in a row each and every time. I know why a caged Bird sings, as Maya Angelou says….

Cloak of Invisibility 10/17/16

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More than two months ago I stopped posting and commenting on my regular Facebook page. It started out for one purpose, and ended up remaining as such because I realized just how insignificant and invisible I was to all of the people I was considering acquaintances and friends. It took three weeks before even one person contacted me to see if I was ok and why I wasn’t on Facebook. That person lives in Australia and is someone I haven’t even met in person. It took almost two months for a second person to mention to me that they noticed I hadn’t been on Facebook much lately. And so I came to the conclusion, why should I be wasting so much time on social media when people don’t even take notice when I’m not around. Either they don’t notice or they are glad I’m gone.

Today I uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone to take a break from my secondary Facebook page. I am starting to read in to everything a certain person posts and feel as though some things are aimed at me. I need peace in my head. I need a break from the world. I do want to be found, I want to know people recognize my existence, miss me when I’m not there. But I am triggered daily by everyone’s inability to deal with me and my apparent negativity and Debbie Downerism. Hardly anyone seems to get me or know who I am, so what is the point anyhow. I need to refocus and regain perspective on my life and recover from all of my tragedies. I need to learn to move forward. If people want to find me, they know how and where…