A friend asked, “Did you see the sun today.” I had told her that I hadn’t looked at it and asked if there was something particularly special about it that day. She didn’t respond.
Today she asked me that same question, about 2 weeks after asking the first time. This time, I catch on there’s more to this question. This is a very deep question. When I asked her if it was meant to be a figurative question her response to me was: Answer how you see fit. If you think it’s figurative, take it that way. If you think it’s literal, answer that way. Don’t over analyze.
My response for today was: I am finally seeing the sun emerging from a 40 year solar eclipse for the first time today…..I forgot to purchase the special solar eclipse glasses for it though because I wasn’t prepared for it, so it hurt my eyes. But lit the way for the remainder of days.
My answer was obviously of a figurative and allegorical nature. She said also that: sometimes there is beauty in the literal as well.
I love this question. Especially as I M emerging from my dark night of the soul. I can also think of different variations I can ask myself or ask one of my other friends who I also have deep, spiritual, psychological conversations with.
Today’s allegory relates to my birthmom and a realization I had been slowly coming to, but that she just unmasked all at once in one swift blow today. I was originally going to put my entire story rant here to words, but after rehashing it all with two of my closest friends today, I am out of energy and psychologically exhausted. I will skim the basics.
I waited 36 years to finally have her in my life. If you would have asked me 36 hours ago if I would have wanted her out of my life, my answer would have been a solid no. But after one little meme that she passive aggressively posted on Facebook only 30 minutes after a text conversation we had, my answer now is that it will depend on how she handles things in upcoming months. It only took one little meme to bring up in me feelings and anger that I never had before. Feelings that most adoptees do have for their birthmoms, and I never had. I thought things were different between us. I thought she was different. But all it took was me telling her, after her baiting me by asking if my depression had anything to do with her and me simply answering her that there were some components of our relationship that I needed to work through with her at some point but that I needed to handle a couple of other things in my life first. She directly told me, ok whatever I needed. But then proceeded to post the following meme on Facebook 30 minutes after our text conversation where I could see it.
The part that really triggered me??? “it is not my job to take responsibility for others”….reminder who I am talking about here….My birthmom….who gave me up for adoption…..never once was I upset with her for doing so, never once was I angry. One of my biggest beefs with her right now is her issues with me over my relationship with the man (birthdad) that she created me with. But it’s not her job to take responsibility for others? Ummmm, yes, it was her job to take responsibility for me 40 years ago, and she didn’t. She got rid of me, not knowing what would happen to me. I never once looked at it that way, until today when I saw that meme with those words. Simply because she doesn’t want to face me being upset with her over something, so she needs to tell herself I’m not her responsibility. Her light is fading fast in my life. She is down to a glimmer of hope. Oddly enough, when I looked up the dictionary definition of glimmer (I always like to look them up, even when I am more than acquainted with the definition just to see if there is some anecdote to spring from), what should come up as the example in a sentence but the use of it with her name no less. The synchronicities in life sometimes astound me. I had already planned to write this post about this situation and her.