Strike hard

One by one I’m conquering things, overcoming my fear, rekindling the fire within my soul. Strike the gong with a mallet and strike hard as I make my grand re-entrance in to the world. I have started building boundaries that need to be there to protect myself, I have started to reclaim my driver’s seat when I want something rather than being afraid of asking for it or allowing others to get what they wanted first and putting my wants last always. I am starting to put me first, because no one else does, and no one else ever has in the grand scheme of life.


My song of the day: Finding my voice again and learning how to use it and how to not be scared anymore. I’d rather be dangerous (not really, just powerful) than to be what I’ve been now for too long, which was acquiescent and subservient…


Parallel living


Since only one of my four parents is actually able to put my needs first and truly want what’s best for me and do “what’s in the best interest of the child”, I have to go on living parallel lives. They are all so caught up in having their own feelings that mine are disregarded. Two of them always made it well known they would feel betrayef if I searched for the one who gave birth to me. They never thought there would be a fourth in the picture. And so, they will never know about the secret life I am forced to live in order to not hurt them and in order to not be potentially cut out of the lives of the people who raised me. And then there’s the one who gave birth to me. The one who knows how oppressed I feel by those whose hands I ended up in because of her decision. And yet, she pushes me in to more secrecy because she can’t handle that I have developed a relationship with the person she created me with. She congratulates herself for giving me his name, as if I couldn’t have found him in some other way, as if I wouldn’t have had animosity towards her if she would have withheld that information from me. Came to find out her stories don’t add up to his. And he is the one who is more genuine. Her stories have done some morphing since the time time I’ve met her. Yet he is the one she claims to be evil. Knowing full well how much I detest being lied to, and knowing how much I hate mind games and having to tip toe around people. She calls herself a devout Christian, yet her constant hypocrisy, just like those who raised me is astounding. What would Jesus do? He would certainly pit his feelings aside in the best interests for a child who is in desperate need of her parents to do what is right for her. A child who needs her parents to stop putting her in the middle of all of their own hatred and jealousy toward each other, because it is all transferred in to my psyche and weighs so heavily on my self esteem and my definition and ability for self love and to give love. I’ve never had a proper model. I know in my head at least what it is supposed to look like and I can only hope I continue to get better the more I become aware as a parent so that my children don’t feel as I do.

Behind the masks


Whether a Doctor, a Radio Personality, a Sailorman, a Robot, a Penguin, an Extra-Terrestrial, a Cross-Dresser, a Boy who was never supposed to grow up, or a Genie…..the masks we hide behind are only what we present to the world.


But often times, we are trying so hard, with those masks, to live up to the expectations of others, that we create a jail cell in our own minds. And that is a place that we cannot hide from. There are no masks that can shield us from what we are imprisoned with inside our own heads.


You can’t escape your thoughts. You can train them, you can push them away, you can wallow in them, you can act on them…there are many ways of dealing with your thoughts, but you can never truly escape them, except for those who escape in the way that the person depicted in the first meme did. But in doing so, you sentence all those who love you to a life time imprisonment of painful thoughts when you leave.


For me, the only way to deal with my thoughts and feelings is to actually deal with them. I allow myself to feel the emotions fully. I don’t push it away. I know that I do dwell too long in some of the negative vortexes. And I am working on that. In the fairly recent past, I think I was hoping to be granted 3 wishes from a magic Genie to solve my problems. And while I am not claiming to have a full handle on my life just yet, I am slowly formulating plans and putting things in to motion one thing at a time.


Song and Dance


When you’re a little girl, you think your parents can do no wrong. And then you grow up, and you see the flaws, and you start to question. But only so much, because you want to believe that deep down there’s a good person there. -Tandy, “Nashville”

I moved past the “only so much” part 3 years ago…

Now I need to get past the constant song and dance and solidify my positions and rewrite the rhythm to my liking.

Still mentally worn out from some mental warfare. Taking some mindless activity time this weekend. Hoping to reset again this week and get back to the good spot I was carving.

My song for the day:

Down to a glimmer


A friend asked, “Did you see the sun today.” I had told her that I hadn’t looked at it and asked if there was something particularly special about it that day. She didn’t respond.

Today she asked me that same question, about 2 weeks after asking the first time. This time, I catch on there’s more to this question. This is a very deep question. When I asked her if it was meant to be a figurative question her response to me was: Answer how you see fit. If you think it’s figurative, take it that way. If you think it’s literal, answer that way. Don’t over analyze.

My response for today was: I am finally seeing the sun emerging from a 40 year solar eclipse for the first time today…..I forgot to purchase the special solar eclipse glasses for it though because I wasn’t prepared for it, so it hurt my eyes. But lit the way for the remainder of days.

My answer was obviously of a figurative and allegorical nature. She said also that: sometimes there is beauty in the literal as well.

I love this question. Especially as I M emerging from my dark night of the soul. I can also think of different variations I can ask myself or ask one of my other friends who I also have deep, spiritual, psychological conversations with.

Today’s allegory relates to my birthmom and a realization I had been slowly coming to, but that she just unmasked all at once in one swift blow today. I was originally going to put my entire story rant here to words, but after rehashing it all with two of my closest friends today, I am out of energy and psychologically exhausted. I will skim the basics.

I waited 36 years to finally have her in my life. If you would have asked me 36 hours ago if I would have wanted her out of my life, my answer would have been a solid no. But after one little meme that she passive aggressively posted on Facebook only 30 minutes after a text conversation we had, my answer now is that it will depend on how she handles things in upcoming months. It only took one little meme to bring up in me feelings and anger that I never had before. Feelings that most adoptees do have for their birthmoms, and I never had. I thought things were different between us. I thought she was different. But all it took was me telling her, after her baiting me by asking if my depression had anything to do with her and me simply answering her that there were some components of our relationship that I needed to work through with her at some point but that I needed to handle a couple of other things in my life first. She directly told me, ok whatever I needed. But then proceeded to post the following meme on Facebook 30 minutes after our text conversation where I could see it.


The part that really triggered me??? “it is not my job to take responsibility for others”….reminder who I am talking about here….My birthmom….who gave me up for adoption…..never once was I upset with her for doing so, never once was I angry. One of my biggest beefs with her right now is her issues with me over my relationship with the man (birthdad) that she created me with. But it’s not her job to take responsibility for others? Ummmm, yes, it was her job to take responsibility for me 40 years ago, and she didn’t. She got rid of me, not knowing what would happen to me. I never once looked at it that way, until today when I saw that meme with those words. Simply because she doesn’t want to face me being upset with her over something, so she needs to tell herself I’m not her responsibility. Her light is fading fast in my life. She is down to a glimmer of hope. Oddly enough, when I looked up the dictionary definition of glimmer (I always like to look them up, even when I am more than acquainted with the definition just to see if there is some anecdote to spring from), what should come up as the example in a sentence but the use of it with her name no less. The synchronicities in life sometimes astound me. I had already planned to write this post about this situation and her.