Transgender origins

ninjadragonlings

I often have pretty random thoughts, that I personally think are insight from another realm. These random thoughts are often not based on any research, and when I do research them, I often find nothing to support my idea. Meaning that it has not been researched or possibly even explored or thought of. While that may make it seem like my ideas are far-fetched and caused by my eccentricity, I beg to reason that every time tested theory began as a wild idea at some point, something that people thought was completely far-fetched and impossible.

I often receive many of my answers to life’s questions in the same manner that I download these random thoughts. While I have no background in science and the medical field whatsoever, I feel that there are some things that I have an innate ‘knowing’ about. Perhaps, if you believe in reincarnation, I was in the medical field in a past life and have carried over some of the natural logic in to this life with me. My husband often makes fun of me for “over-diagnosing” everyone and everything, but I am often right. While many of the things I have proven to be right on have not been proven by scientific tests, after I have come up with a medical diagnosis theory on someone, I have ended up having a doctor confirm those diagnoses or some other piece of hard evidence favor my opinion. For example, years ago I began to suspect I had ADHD. While I know this is a very over-diagnosed syndrome, I found definitive relief in taking medication for it. Years later when I found my birth family, I found out that ADHD ran in my genetic line, one of the few things that my birthdad mentioned when I asked about any health concerns on his side.

So, this particular random thought of which I speak is regarding children/people who end up being transgender. My daughter has Asperger’s, and often with Autism and Asperger’s, many of the children end up being transgender or more comfortable dressing as and acting more in the role of the opposite sex than the one they were born in. This is mentioned in what is considered by many to be “The Bible” of Asperger’s research, the book by Tony Attwood about Asperger’s Syndrome. My daughter started to show many signs of feeling more comfortable with boys toys and speaking of wishing she was a boy as early as age 5. She is now 11 and cut her hair in a “boy cut” 2 years ago. Most people who don’t know her refer to her as a boy when they first meet her.

While I know that her propensity towards transgenderism is linked to the fact that she has Asperger’s, the thought ran through my mind one day that I had a miscarriage only 3 months before I got pregnant with her. I was 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant with twins when I miscarried. I had a D&C. Because I have a negative blood type, I always had to get the rhogam shot with each pregnancy, miscarriage and delivery so as not to affect any subsequent pregnancy. So, if a former pregnancy blood type can affect a subsequent pregnancy, and there is research that cells do stay behind and affect the mother sometimes and subsequent pregnancies, is there a possibility that cells from former pregnancies could affect gender tendencies. I wasn’t far enough along to find out whether the twins I was pregnant with were boys or girls. But I wonder if perhpas they were boys and the male hormones were left in my body and perhpas absorbed in my daughter once I conceived her, thus giving her a higher percentage of male hormones, especially if both of the twins were boys, it would have been an even higher concentration.

I thought of this again today because a friend of mine sent me a video about chimera twins. I was always obsessed with twins as a child. Being adopted, there was always something in the back of my mind wondering if it was a possibility if I was a twin. My adoptive parents told me that of both twins were put up for adoption that they would have adopted my twin as well. At one point I read a statistic that 92% of all people who were born left handed were originally conceived as a twin and that the other twin was absorbed before being detected if they werent born as live twin births. I was born left handed (and switched because my adoptive parents were raised Catholic and under the spell that left handed people were the mark of the devil). When I went for my sonogram and found out I was pregnant with twins, the first thing they asked was whether I was a twin or whether there were twins on my side because twins usually run genetically on the mothers side. There is one set of twins on my birthmoms side, two of my first cousins are twins. But the video today about chimera is about the absorbtion of twins and having two sets of genetics in the same person, which my best friend sent me because she knows my obsession with twins and how I’ve felt that maybe I was a twin. One of the things included in the research about chimera was also about the cells left behind from pregnancies as well and how they can affect the mother and subsequent pregnancies, which reminded me of my theory of transgender and whether it might be due to previous miscarriages of opposite genders.

I would really love to do or see some research done on this. If you are reading this article and are transgender, or know someone who is transgender, if you could comment with whether you were born after a miscarriage that your mother had, that would be really awesome. And ifiyou were and know the gender of the miscarriage that your mother had and whether it was opposite to the one you were born as, that would be even better. This is all just to placate my whim of a thought/idea  and to see whether it would even be worth pursuing any further. Even if it just strips the varnish off my idea, I’d still rather know whether it’s worth thinking about any further. Thanks in advance if you do comment with any info that could help, in either direction. I am always willing to be wrong too.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/varnish/

Advertisements

Archaic Diagnoses/Archaic Parenting

18300976_1849158352003118_1942656954434221538_n

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As she asked to print more pictures to color after yesterday’s batch for the ride to the amusement park tomorrow, she originally said 1-3. Then she said it might be 4. Later on when she started to actually look them up, I specified no more than 4. As I said it, I knew she would ask for more. Because I know my daughter has Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in addition to her extremely high functioning Asperger’s Autism. Sure enough, within 5 minutes she said, it might be more like 5, and I said gently, no, I said no more than 4. I had already let her increase the 1-3 up to 4. Even though PDA is currently only recognized in the UK, it is starting to gain more clout in the US. She is not officially diagnosed with this, but I know without a shadow of a doubt she has it. She is officially diagnosed by her pediatrician with Asperger’s Autism. Technically, it is now Autism Level 1. Asperger’s is now an archaic term since they released the DSM-5. All Autism diagnoses are just a spectrum and divided in to 3 levels. Level 1 is High Functioning which is where those who would have formerly been diagnosed as Asperger’s are now placed. I personally still prefer the term Asperger’s and continue to use it.

16999197_1818332538419033_9154905629864907916_n

Giving children sentences with multiple directions to follow is an actual developmental milestone. It is one for the age of 3 year olds. But children with PDA are overwhelmed by demands that are thrown at them at the same time. Any instruction is processed as a demand, and thus, this developmental milestone becomes a hotbed for attitude because it puts these children in a pressure cooker. Today when I told my 10 year old that it was time to take a shower, and then followed that up with the sentence of to make sure she also cleans up the mess she had left downstairs from her homework, she answers with an attitude how she knows she knows…When her father comes down, all of her stuff is in front of his seat and he comments how he sees a tornado passed through. I told him how I told her to do that part after I told her to take the shower so of course she has to do them in order. But when she comes down the stairs, for how much attitude I get the “I know, I know” when I remind her earlier of cleaning the homework mess up, do you think she goes right to cleaning that up? Of course she doesn’t. She tries to avoid that demand altogether. She goes right in to the other room to color and begin making another mess in there. It’s a never ending battle. And I know in many ways this sounds like typical child behavior, but it’s the constant attitude that I get when I ask daily for the simple task of her to clean up after herself. You would think I was asking her to move a mountain. You would think I had never made her clean up after herself before. You would think I had never held her accountable for herself before the way she speaks to me when I ask her for a simple request. And that, my friends, is definitely not a typical 10 year old.

17098140_1824076354511318_6980594258449663094_n

Still, at 10 years old, even with no wait at a restaurant, she has no patience. When we are done with our meal, she wants to leave so badly and is so bored that she is blowing bubbles in her water and playing with it like a 3 year old. Before we were ready to leave, because she was ready to go (as in, showered, dressed etc, far enough in advance) she wanted to leave 15 minutes earlier just so we could get to the parking lot and wait, just because she didn’t want to wait any longer at home (which is honestly a better place for her to wait where all of her stuff is to occupy her). But the idea of waiting in any way is torturous to her.

18556351_1853461714906115_6563456513798502087_n

I have definitely learned to allow a few minutes of leeway whenever I need her to be ready to do something or go somewhere because when I give her a warning or tell her it’s time to go to bed, or to stop what she’s doing because it’s time to go, I often get told to wait till she’s done with this game or this video or this episode etc….And I know that if I don’t, she will have a fit. And while I understand that children need to know how to not get their way, this is a little different because if it is a real time constraint and I can explain to her a real reason as to why she must stop right then and there, I’d rather save those demand times for important times when it is absolutely necessary and have her cooperative on those days rather than force her compliance every single time.

Many people disagree with the way it is recommended to parent children with Asperger’s and PDA. But I know for a fact that the old school hard knocks version of parenting was NOT working with mine. And although mine can still be a handful at times, I think all in all she has done much better, and I think the times she is at her worst is also when we are and that we need to remain calm and model for her the way we want her to act in a situations so she can learn by example. It just makes more logical sense than to instill the fear of God in her with something like spanking. That just teaches her that when our level.of frustration rises that it’s ok to hit and that’s not the proper message to send her. Just my personal opinion.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/archaic/

Bully disappear

12553075_10153792493131285_8117925727172925500_n

Today, I hope I made a child feel like she wanted to disappear in the moment…Sound cruel? Sound harsh? Do I have your attention? Good……….

This may sound out of character for me, but this is because this is the Mama Bear side of me.

11704866_382078131988829_5515132567705645365_n

Today was the Awards Assembly at my daughter’s school. She was only getting one award this year, but it was a pretty big one for her. 3rd place in the 4th and 5th grade Spelling Bee, where she gets to go up on stage and receives a medal this year (there are 12 competitors in the Bee). She’s never placed that high before. My husband, my mother-in-law and I were all there, sitting through an hour and a half assembly just for the 2 minutes she’s on stage for her one award. We listened and clapped for every other kid who received an award.

We were sitting right behind her class, but she was sitting with the band quite a ways away because they play during the assembly. My daughter has Asperger’s Autism. She isn’t treated well at school. On top of her quirkiness, she happens to have inherited the bad luck from both sides of her genetics to have landed in an ill mannered, nasty, bratty class of kids. This was quite apparent even just today by observing her class in comparison to all of the others during the assembly. They are more rowdy then classes 3 years younger than them, and it’s not because they’re just silly nice kids that can’t contain themselves. They are disrespectful, arrogant kids who have no reverance for other children receiving awards or the sovereignty of organized gatherings and the type of behavior that should be modeled. This is not how I raise my daughter. But, of course, these are the children she needs to get along with because they are her social life every day, 5 days a week.

11230651_1001325299889813_5139929664076830455_n

As soon as my daughter was called up to receive her medal, the girl directly in front of me from her class starts running her mouth to the kid next to her. My mother in law told me that she saw her mouth my daughter’s name. While I didn’t hear anything she said, it was apparent that she was speaking condescendingly about her because the kid she was talking to (who knew who I was) kept looking back at me, then looking at her, then looking at me, then looking at her….as in….shut up, stop talking about her, her parents are right behind you….

I wasn’t about to let that go. It’s bad enough my child doesn’t stand up for herself enough against these kids who make her feel worthless and invisible every day. There was no way I was going to allow that to happen in my presence. There was also another girl that, while she didn’t partake of the conversation, she continued to turn around and give us nasty glances, which she has a knack of doing, and she has said some incredibly nasty things to my daughter in the past as well. She has no fear of glaring at adults in the nastiest of manners. So I had quite alot to say in their direction. When I got through with my comments in letting them know they need to stop talking about my child when I’m sitting right behind them and that I can stare too, and that while I might not have heard what was said, body language said it all and that I’m not stupid-my daughter ranked third in the Spelling Bee for a reason. My mother in law also chimed in and said, “That’s right, we’re right here”. My husband gave them the stare down. The girl who was talking about her was literally scared straight. She wouldn’t even turn sideways and she was rigid and breathing heavily….all signs that she knew she was caught red-handed and was guilty. Those kids need to know that while my daughter might not stand up for herself, that their behavior does not go unnoticed and that her parents are more than aware of how they all treat her and that we won’t tolerate it and that we can be big and scary. Maybe they will remember that the next time they go to pick on my daughter.

Besides being bullied by my adoptive dad my entire life, because that’s just what narcissists do, I was bullied quite a lot in school.

12141783_958666134194605_7781347780296372205_n

I will do all I can to try and help my child through these tough years. Childhood sucks when you’re not popular and you are an easy target. I will advocate for her every step of the way.

26196111_1708649262506825_5804214591788565716_n

Dealing with her pain on top of my own healing is one thing. But what escapes me is that she takes it one step further, as many kids with Asperger’s and PDA do, and she takes all of her frustrations out on me. Now, I know that all kids do this to a degree with their parents because home is a safe haven. But she does it to a ridiculous point. She is like a battering ram coming at me many days. It often feels like she bullies me. And no, it is not because I don’t know how to parent my kid or because I let her run rampant and out of control. She only acts like this to a few select people that she is close with. She is a perfect angel in school. She knows how to behave extremely well. But all of the anger and sadness and frustration from her life gone wrong and from how the children at school have made her feel gets turned on me. There is nothing I can ever seem to do right for this child. And once again, my common thread of….Nothing I ever do is right or enough. I am never good enough for anyone.

17309703_1829361410649479_5569646032993741349_n

17362865_1829570110628609_7879935277464078750_n

22141267_1914229688829317_5092832415301566601_n

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disappear/

Second song of the day: Bully by Shinedown….another one of my favorite bands

It’s 8 A.M.
This hell I’m in
Seems I’ve crossed the line again
For being nothing more than who I am

So break my bones
And throw your stones
We all know that life ain’t fair
But there is more of us
We’re everywhere

[Pre-Chorus]
We don’t have to take this
Back against the wall
We don’t have to take this
We can end it all

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

Hey!
Hey!

[Verse 2]
Think it through
You can’t undo
Whenever I see black and blue
I feel the past
I share the bruise

With everyone
Who’s come and gone
My head is clear
My voice is strong
Now I’m right here to right the wrong

[Pre-Chorus]
We don’t have to take this
Back against the wall
We don’t have to take this
We can end it all

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

[Solo]

[Bridge]
It’s 8 A.M.!
The Hell I’m in!
Your voice is strong!
Now right the wrong!

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully.
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely.
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

[Repeat Chorus]

Hey!

Rich stay rich, rich control needy, needy remain poor

22007611_490017794710697_797147839873136290_n

As if healing from the trauma of adoption and narcissistic adoptive parents weren’t enough, and having the chemical imbalances of anxiety and ADHD that weren’t discovered and treated till I was in my 20s and 30s, let’s add to that a child who has Asperger’s Autism. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter, and nothing can ever change that, no diagnosis could make me love her any less. But I obviously must have convinced Kuk Sa Nim and the Universe that I am some sort of Warrior that has all the strength in the world with the largest set of shoulders. And that synopsis snapshot is only a tiny little picture of it all really. Yet somehow I remain drug, alcohol and cigarette free…not sure how still….you might want to check back with me again on that one in another 10 years….

So the past couple of days have brought on a reminder of exactly the way the world runs. That the rich rule the world. The rich get to dictate and control those who are dependant on them for care and those who are needed always remain repressed by the rich. What does that mean in layman’s terms. Here has been my battle this week.

My daughter receives her medications through her pediatrician for her Autism (anxiety). He requires a 6 month med checkup. Ok. No big deal. Due to the fact that I have ADHD and a very stressful job when it comes to fine details that keep my head swimming, I often forget when it is that I need to make an appointment (and I can’t make them ahead of time due to my schedule because I’d end up having to cancel and reschedule anyway because my schedule is constantly in flux due to it’s shifting nature). So it ends up that the need for renewal of her medication is often the way that I am reminded that I need to make an appointment. I just can’t keep that detail worked out. And it’s not like the doctors doctor ever sends any notice like the dentist or the vet or the eye doctor does. So I tried to renew her prescription through my pharmacy and it was denied twice. So I called her pediatricians office. The front desk told me the doctor may not do it because she’s due for her med check and they don’t want to be held liable for patients with psychiatric and ADHD issues and medication dosages. After arguing with her (which I will splay out my logic in a second) her medication has still not been refilled 2 days later….So I guess I will be on the search for another pediatrician who will work with her diagnosis and continue to prescribe her medications.

Here is my logic on this one….

So they claim they don’t want to be held “liable and responsible” for mis-dosaging of psychiatric and ADHD patients….Yet I tell them my daughter is out of her medication and they won’t even renew it for a month until I can get her in with an appointment. So they’d rather be liable for a 10 year old to have withdrawn from a medication she’s now been on for several years and that all I’m going to do is walk in and tell them that she’s doing fine on it. If there was a problem with the dosage to where there major problems at home due to her dosage being too low because she had outgrown the dosage, I would have already made the appointment. They hadn’t upped the medication dosage, she’s been on the same thing, so worst case scenario is that it’s not as effective because of her weight differentiation….So….sounds like they are more interested in making their money than in the real care of their patient, who will have to suffer withdrawal. Luckily, I and my husband are on the same medication just double the dosage and we are cutting our pills in half. It probably changes the extended release portion of it, but it’s better than watching my 10 year old go through withdrawal from a medication I’ve been through the withdrawal of and it is not pleasant. I’m utterly appalled by this doctors behavior……

Heart on my sleeve

10407187_898233630218436_5670994575264497769_n

When I miscarried my first pregnancy of twins at 11 weeks and 5 days, after telling EVERYONE about the pregnancy, naming them (we had names we would use regardless of the gender-Trysten and Chance), and seeing a sonogram of them and their heartbeats; I lost it. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. It hit my husband hard as well. But he was only as bad as I was for about a month and a half. And in to the second month he was asking why I wasn’t getting any better, that he was just as affected as I was but he was starting to get through it, and I should be too. But I am a teacher. Every day when I go to work, I also have to be an actress. I have to put on a happy face for my students, even when I am in the most pain I have EVER experienced in my entire life. He is an electrician. If he wants to be in a grumpy mood or solemn and avoid people most of the day, he can do that. That allows people to get through their pain a little faster when they don’t have to put it off and pretend like it’s not there for half of their day, every day. And I am still a teacher. I have to do this with every single bit of pain I deal with. It has to be pushed off until I am alone. And then I wallow. The nighttime is when my brain goes to work and begins to heal itself, because the daytime hours are off limits.

11254397_714828291986343_5298931402747061956_n

Due to my dysfunctional childhood, I am programmed inadequately to handle any sort of conflict. While my parents never gave me a hard time about crying, and allowed it without any shame or criticism, they also did alot to bring forth tears on a daily basis. There was constant yelling in my house; whether it was at me for something trivial that I had done wrong that was blown incredibly out of proportion or things that were completely out of line for them to even be upset about in the first place; or whether they were yelling at each other, rather my father yelling at and belittling my mother. Then when I got out in to the real world, I found out it wasn’t socially acceptable to cry every day. This really affected alot of my romantic relationships. My husband doesn’t take well to my crying. Whenever we are embroiled in conflict, his knee jerk reaction is anger and mine is crying. We don’t get much accomplished. In the long run we do after things are thought over, but the conflicts become so traumatic to me due to my Complex PTSD from my childhood, that I begun to back off expressing myself altogether several years ago. I used to use writing letters as my way of communicating and expressing what I needed to say, but that seems to bother everyone as well, particularly my husband. He also doesn’t like me talking or venting to friends about our personal lives because his ex wife used to badmouth him all the time to all of her friends. So I have had no outlet to get my thoughts out of the jail cell of my mind, I have not been able to write my feelings in letters and I have just acquiesced to keeping the peace by keeping the warring all in my head. And it’s honestly killing me and killing my relationships with everyone. I can’t keep lumping everything on myself and taking it all and never expressing f my hurt or pain. I need to feel secure enough in myself that when I do speak up, to know that I am not always the person who is wrong or the person who loses every battle as my parents taught me to believe. I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve and it’s imploding me from the inside out to be keeping everything inside. I am trying to tackle one small battle at a time to practice using my voice again within all of my relationships that need some sort of repair or boundaries and I am speaking my mind more and taking down some of the filters. For all of the filters that my child with Asperger’s Autism doesn’t have, I have them all for her, far too many of them. I sensor myself more that probably 95% of the people on this planet. And that is not healthy for my own well being and learning to love myself is going to break down some barriers that are unfortunately going to expose some people to some things they might not want to hear. But my head and heart just can’t carry this anymore. It’s time for others to share in the experiences that some of their words and actions are triggering in me. And if they can’t handle it and can’t rise to meet me and work on things the way I constantly try to work on myself day in and day out, then changes will have to come about in other ways so that I can do what I need to take care of myself, for the first time.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/sleeve/

An Angel sized Tantrum

IMG_20161103_161812821_HDR

This is just one picture of one of the most beautiful playgrounds I have ever seen. And it is only minutes from our house. And it hokds extra special meaning to our family and our school family. It is called Angel Park. They began the major planning for this playground when my daughter was in kindergarten. Her class got to be one of two classes that got to draw ideas for their dream playground and actually have input in the elements of this playground. And the reason for this is because the entire concept behind this playground came from a family that attends the church and school where my daughter goes. There was a family that lost their son at 15 months old to Leukemia. Their son would have been about 21 years old now. It took quite some time from conception till the park was finally ready. They built this from almost, if not all, donated funds and labor. They took many things in to special consideration including elements for autistic, handicap and children with cochlear implants. It is the most beautiful, colossal and all inclusive playground I have ever come across in my 40 years on this Earth. We bought a fence picket while it was being built so our last name will always be a part of the park as well. I feel blessed to have seen this playground being built from the beginning and to have had a small part in it. I wish I would have been able to contribute more.

IMG_20161103_161455063

Each time we come here though, I am always leary of what awaits me. The first two times we came, my daughter, who is 10 and has Asperger’s Autism, hurt herself, significantly enough to ruin her time here and cause us to have to leave. The first time even required a trip to the walk in clinic because she sprained her finger, they even thought it could have been fractured and had to call me back on the Monday morning when a radiologist could read it.

IMG_20170211_202313147_BURST001

Other times she’s had a great time, met other kids here that she didn’t know and made friends with them, which is always refreshing with her autism, because I never know how she will interact with other kids since she has such a hard time socially at school. I’ve taken a friend of hers and her cousin to go with her before. But today wasn’t one of the good days.

IMG_20161103_170708646_HDR

She got there claiming she wanted to try going down the fire pole, something she hadn’t been able to bring herself to do yet due to her fear of heights. She got up there and still couldn’t. After that she immediately tried the monkey bars and everything else that require upper body strength which she knows she can’t do and then stood there and berated herself, throwing an angel sized tantrum. Sometimes I swear she enjoys wallowing in self pity more than she enjoys being happy. Because even when I complimented her later when she came over and told me that she figured out how to mount the zip line on her own and I told her that was great and good for her, she followed that by, it’s really not anything that big….so even when I try to be encouraging and complimentary, she won’t follow my positive lead. It is beyond frustrating and I just don’t know how to help her when she refuses to help herself.

IMG_20161103_162521248

I try to take her the places she asks me to take her, I play the games she asks me to play with her, and somehow, things end up negative, because she always ends up putting a negative twist on everything. It is so disheartening. I try so hard and still feel like I am failing her. It is hard enough trying to fix my own mind from those who DID fail me and still are failing me, and some days it takes everything I have to step outside of myself to be there for her, and I am trying to give her a positive childhood experience, where I didn’t have one because mine purposely went out of their way to cause me pain, and even though I might not always be as engaging as I could or should be, and I might not always be the most playful or over involved parent, I do go out of my way to be there for her and to make things NOT negative for her, but she lives to do that herself and I feel guilty for all of this. I just don’t know what else to do for her. I have done all the research, we’ve tried many different things medication combinations, we’ve tried different therapies, I’ve tried many different home methods, I’m constantly amending my parenting methods to try what the experts say is best for kids with Asperger’s. I still feel lost and hate that she never seems happy. The climate in our house is always one of depression. I am trying so hard to break out of my 3 year depression and it makes it very hard when I am constantly surrounded by the door and gloom attitudes and the gray rain cloud that hangs over this house. I just don’t know what else to do to help everyone here. I’m trying to work on me and hoping they will follow suit. But so far, not seeing that happen. I refuse to be swallowed back down though. Somehow, people will have to catch up to where I am in life or they will get left behind in one way or another. I just don’t know what else to do. I can’t stay stuck anymore…..the tears of this angel that are being held back today are for those that I am afraid are not ready still to fly with me.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tantrum/

Checkmate

IMG_20180405_214115542

IMG_20180405_214122816

I have always had an obsession with chess and chess boards. I only played my first chess game a few years ago. I don’t play that often. My husband was the first to teach me the general rules and to play a few games with me. I looked up more of the rules online and have played some of the computerized games of chess. I’m not very good. But I feel like I should be. I have the intelligence to be good at it. But my ADHD (which is a lot worse than I or a lot of people think it is) causes me to not think moves through very well unless I take a very long time to think one move through for a very long period of time because I have to really think through all of the potential moves that could lie ahead. And then my anxiety takes over because of the amount of time that it takes me per move and I end up often making boneheaded moves. And so my potential skills at chess are thwarted by my disorders. I am medicated for both. But it is so frustrating when I know it could and should be something I could be good at it.

I just taught my 10 year old daughter how to play, who had Asperger’s and is a flat out genius, and she beat me on her third game…ever! And it’s not just a matter of me not being good, she has the brain for this game and I hope she can get past her sore loser syndrome and learn some perseverence and persistence because she is already able to mentally predict the moves she should make based on what moves she predicts her opponent to make. She fascinates me by how advanced her brain is at such a young age. She is utterly amazing. I would love to see her make something of this.

I just emailed my doctor in the hopes that my ADHD medication dosage can be increased. I just resumed my medication for it this month as I hadn’t been taking it for several years. I hope that a higher dosage will help my concentration in all areas of my life, including chess.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/thwart/