Archaic Diagnoses/Archaic Parenting

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As she asked to print more pictures to color after yesterday’s batch for the ride to the amusement park tomorrow, she originally said 1-3. Then she said it might be 4. Later on when she started to actually look them up, I specified no more than 4. As I said it, I knew she would ask for more. Because I know my daughter has Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in addition to her extremely high functioning Asperger’s Autism. Sure enough, within 5 minutes she said, it might be more like 5, and I said gently, no, I said no more than 4. I had already let her increase the 1-3 up to 4. Even though PDA is currently only recognized in the UK, it is starting to gain more clout in the US. She is not officially diagnosed with this, but I know without a shadow of a doubt she has it. She is officially diagnosed by her pediatrician with Asperger’s Autism. Technically, it is now Autism Level 1. Asperger’s is now an archaic term since they released the DSM-5. All Autism diagnoses are just a spectrum and divided in to 3 levels. Level 1 is High Functioning which is where those who would have formerly been diagnosed as Asperger’s are now placed. I personally still prefer the term Asperger’s and continue to use it.

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Giving children sentences with multiple directions to follow is an actual developmental milestone. It is one for the age of 3 year olds. But children with PDA are overwhelmed by demands that are thrown at them at the same time. Any instruction is processed as a demand, and thus, this developmental milestone becomes a hotbed for attitude because it puts these children in a pressure cooker. Today when I told my 10 year old that it was time to take a shower, and then followed that up with the sentence of to make sure she also cleans up the mess she had left downstairs from her homework, she answers with an attitude how she knows she knows…When her father comes down, all of her stuff is in front of his seat and he comments how he sees a tornado passed through. I told him how I told her to do that part after I told her to take the shower so of course she has to do them in order. But when she comes down the stairs, for how much attitude I get the “I know, I know” when I remind her earlier of cleaning the homework mess up, do you think she goes right to cleaning that up? Of course she doesn’t. She tries to avoid that demand altogether. She goes right in to the other room to color and begin making another mess in there. It’s a never ending battle. And I know in many ways this sounds like typical child behavior, but it’s the constant attitude that I get when I ask daily for the simple task of her to clean up after herself. You would think I was asking her to move a mountain. You would think I had never made her clean up after herself before. You would think I had never held her accountable for herself before the way she speaks to me when I ask her for a simple request. And that, my friends, is definitely not a typical 10 year old.

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Still, at 10 years old, even with no wait at a restaurant, she has no patience. When we are done with our meal, she wants to leave so badly and is so bored that she is blowing bubbles in her water and playing with it like a 3 year old. Before we were ready to leave, because she was ready to go (as in, showered, dressed etc, far enough in advance) she wanted to leave 15 minutes earlier just so we could get to the parking lot and wait, just because she didn’t want to wait any longer at home (which is honestly a better place for her to wait where all of her stuff is to occupy her). But the idea of waiting in any way is torturous to her.

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I have definitely learned to allow a few minutes of leeway whenever I need her to be ready to do something or go somewhere because when I give her a warning or tell her it’s time to go to bed, or to stop what she’s doing because it’s time to go, I often get told to wait till she’s done with this game or this video or this episode etc….And I know that if I don’t, she will have a fit. And while I understand that children need to know how to not get their way, this is a little different because if it is a real time constraint and I can explain to her a real reason as to why she must stop right then and there, I’d rather save those demand times for important times when it is absolutely necessary and have her cooperative on those days rather than force her compliance every single time.

Many people disagree with the way it is recommended to parent children with Asperger’s and PDA. But I know for a fact that the old school hard knocks version of parenting was NOT working with mine. And although mine can still be a handful at times, I think all in all she has done much better, and I think the times she is at her worst is also when we are and that we need to remain calm and model for her the way we want her to act in a situations so she can learn by example. It just makes more logical sense than to instill the fear of God in her with something like spanking. That just teaches her that when our level.of frustration rises that it’s ok to hit and that’s not the proper message to send her. Just my personal opinion.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/archaic/

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Bully disappear

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Today, I hope I made a child feel like she wanted to disappear in the moment…Sound cruel? Sound harsh? Do I have your attention? Good……….

This may sound out of character for me, but this is because this is the Mama Bear side of me.

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Today was the Awards Assembly at my daughter’s school. She was only getting one award this year, but it was a pretty big one for her. 3rd place in the 4th and 5th grade Spelling Bee, where she gets to go up on stage and receives a medal this year (there are 12 competitors in the Bee). She’s never placed that high before. My husband, my mother-in-law and I were all there, sitting through an hour and a half assembly just for the 2 minutes she’s on stage for her one award. We listened and clapped for every other kid who received an award.

We were sitting right behind her class, but she was sitting with the band quite a ways away because they play during the assembly. My daughter has Asperger’s Autism. She isn’t treated well at school. On top of her quirkiness, she happens to have inherited the bad luck from both sides of her genetics to have landed in an ill mannered, nasty, bratty class of kids. This was quite apparent even just today by observing her class in comparison to all of the others during the assembly. They are more rowdy then classes 3 years younger than them, and it’s not because they’re just silly nice kids that can’t contain themselves. They are disrespectful, arrogant kids who have no reverance for other children receiving awards or the sovereignty of organized gatherings and the type of behavior that should be modeled. This is not how I raise my daughter. But, of course, these are the children she needs to get along with because they are her social life every day, 5 days a week.

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As soon as my daughter was called up to receive her medal, the girl directly in front of me from her class starts running her mouth to the kid next to her. My mother in law told me that she saw her mouth my daughter’s name. While I didn’t hear anything she said, it was apparent that she was speaking condescendingly about her because the kid she was talking to (who knew who I was) kept looking back at me, then looking at her, then looking at me, then looking at her….as in….shut up, stop talking about her, her parents are right behind you….

I wasn’t about to let that go. It’s bad enough my child doesn’t stand up for herself enough against these kids who make her feel worthless and invisible every day. There was no way I was going to allow that to happen in my presence. There was also another girl that, while she didn’t partake of the conversation, she continued to turn around and give us nasty glances, which she has a knack of doing, and she has said some incredibly nasty things to my daughter in the past as well. She has no fear of glaring at adults in the nastiest of manners. So I had quite alot to say in their direction. When I got through with my comments in letting them know they need to stop talking about my child when I’m sitting right behind them and that I can stare too, and that while I might not have heard what was said, body language said it all and that I’m not stupid-my daughter ranked third in the Spelling Bee for a reason. My mother in law also chimed in and said, “That’s right, we’re right here”. My husband gave them the stare down. The girl who was talking about her was literally scared straight. She wouldn’t even turn sideways and she was rigid and breathing heavily….all signs that she knew she was caught red-handed and was guilty. Those kids need to know that while my daughter might not stand up for herself, that their behavior does not go unnoticed and that her parents are more than aware of how they all treat her and that we won’t tolerate it and that we can be big and scary. Maybe they will remember that the next time they go to pick on my daughter.

Besides being bullied by my adoptive dad my entire life, because that’s just what narcissists do, I was bullied quite a lot in school.

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I will do all I can to try and help my child through these tough years. Childhood sucks when you’re not popular and you are an easy target. I will advocate for her every step of the way.

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Dealing with her pain on top of my own healing is one thing. But what escapes me is that she takes it one step further, as many kids with Asperger’s and PDA do, and she takes all of her frustrations out on me. Now, I know that all kids do this to a degree with their parents because home is a safe haven. But she does it to a ridiculous point. She is like a battering ram coming at me many days. It often feels like she bullies me. And no, it is not because I don’t know how to parent my kid or because I let her run rampant and out of control. She only acts like this to a few select people that she is close with. She is a perfect angel in school. She knows how to behave extremely well. But all of the anger and sadness and frustration from her life gone wrong and from how the children at school have made her feel gets turned on me. There is nothing I can ever seem to do right for this child. And once again, my common thread of….Nothing I ever do is right or enough. I am never good enough for anyone.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disappear/

Second song of the day: Bully by Shinedown….another one of my favorite bands

It’s 8 A.M.
This hell I’m in
Seems I’ve crossed the line again
For being nothing more than who I am

So break my bones
And throw your stones
We all know that life ain’t fair
But there is more of us
We’re everywhere

[Pre-Chorus]
We don’t have to take this
Back against the wall
We don’t have to take this
We can end it all

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

Hey!
Hey!

[Verse 2]
Think it through
You can’t undo
Whenever I see black and blue
I feel the past
I share the bruise

With everyone
Who’s come and gone
My head is clear
My voice is strong
Now I’m right here to right the wrong

[Pre-Chorus]
We don’t have to take this
Back against the wall
We don’t have to take this
We can end it all

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

[Solo]

[Bridge]
It’s 8 A.M.!
The Hell I’m in!
Your voice is strong!
Now right the wrong!

[Chorus]
All you’ll ever be
Is a faded memory of a bully.
Make another joke
While they hang another rope
So lonely.
Push him to the dirt
‘Til the words don’t hurt
Can you hear me?
No ones gonna cry
On the very day you die
You’re a bully

[Repeat Chorus]

Hey!

Rich stay rich, rich control needy, needy remain poor

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As if healing from the trauma of adoption and narcissistic adoptive parents weren’t enough, and having the chemical imbalances of anxiety and ADHD that weren’t discovered and treated till I was in my 20s and 30s, let’s add to that a child who has Asperger’s Autism. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter, and nothing can ever change that, no diagnosis could make me love her any less. But I obviously must have convinced Kuk Sa Nim and the Universe that I am some sort of Warrior that has all the strength in the world with the largest set of shoulders. And that synopsis snapshot is only a tiny little picture of it all really. Yet somehow I remain drug, alcohol and cigarette free…not sure how still….you might want to check back with me again on that one in another 10 years….

So the past couple of days have brought on a reminder of exactly the way the world runs. That the rich rule the world. The rich get to dictate and control those who are dependant on them for care and those who are needed always remain repressed by the rich. What does that mean in layman’s terms. Here has been my battle this week.

My daughter receives her medications through her pediatrician for her Autism (anxiety). He requires a 6 month med checkup. Ok. No big deal. Due to the fact that I have ADHD and a very stressful job when it comes to fine details that keep my head swimming, I often forget when it is that I need to make an appointment (and I can’t make them ahead of time due to my schedule because I’d end up having to cancel and reschedule anyway because my schedule is constantly in flux due to it’s shifting nature). So it ends up that the need for renewal of her medication is often the way that I am reminded that I need to make an appointment. I just can’t keep that detail worked out. And it’s not like the doctors doctor ever sends any notice like the dentist or the vet or the eye doctor does. So I tried to renew her prescription through my pharmacy and it was denied twice. So I called her pediatricians office. The front desk told me the doctor may not do it because she’s due for her med check and they don’t want to be held liable for patients with psychiatric and ADHD issues and medication dosages. After arguing with her (which I will splay out my logic in a second) her medication has still not been refilled 2 days later….So I guess I will be on the search for another pediatrician who will work with her diagnosis and continue to prescribe her medications.

Here is my logic on this one….

So they claim they don’t want to be held “liable and responsible” for mis-dosaging of psychiatric and ADHD patients….Yet I tell them my daughter is out of her medication and they won’t even renew it for a month until I can get her in with an appointment. So they’d rather be liable for a 10 year old to have withdrawn from a medication she’s now been on for several years and that all I’m going to do is walk in and tell them that she’s doing fine on it. If there was a problem with the dosage to where there major problems at home due to her dosage being too low because she had outgrown the dosage, I would have already made the appointment. They hadn’t upped the medication dosage, she’s been on the same thing, so worst case scenario is that it’s not as effective because of her weight differentiation….So….sounds like they are more interested in making their money than in the real care of their patient, who will have to suffer withdrawal. Luckily, I and my husband are on the same medication just double the dosage and we are cutting our pills in half. It probably changes the extended release portion of it, but it’s better than watching my 10 year old go through withdrawal from a medication I’ve been through the withdrawal of and it is not pleasant. I’m utterly appalled by this doctors behavior……

Heart on my sleeve

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When I miscarried my first pregnancy of twins at 11 weeks and 5 days, after telling EVERYONE about the pregnancy, naming them (we had names we would use regardless of the gender-Trysten and Chance), and seeing a sonogram of them and their heartbeats; I lost it. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. It hit my husband hard as well. But he was only as bad as I was for about a month and a half. And in to the second month he was asking why I wasn’t getting any better, that he was just as affected as I was but he was starting to get through it, and I should be too. But I am a teacher. Every day when I go to work, I also have to be an actress. I have to put on a happy face for my students, even when I am in the most pain I have EVER experienced in my entire life. He is an electrician. If he wants to be in a grumpy mood or solemn and avoid people most of the day, he can do that. That allows people to get through their pain a little faster when they don’t have to put it off and pretend like it’s not there for half of their day, every day. And I am still a teacher. I have to do this with every single bit of pain I deal with. It has to be pushed off until I am alone. And then I wallow. The nighttime is when my brain goes to work and begins to heal itself, because the daytime hours are off limits.

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Due to my dysfunctional childhood, I am programmed inadequately to handle any sort of conflict. While my parents never gave me a hard time about crying, and allowed it without any shame or criticism, they also did alot to bring forth tears on a daily basis. There was constant yelling in my house; whether it was at me for something trivial that I had done wrong that was blown incredibly out of proportion or things that were completely out of line for them to even be upset about in the first place; or whether they were yelling at each other, rather my father yelling at and belittling my mother. Then when I got out in to the real world, I found out it wasn’t socially acceptable to cry every day. This really affected alot of my romantic relationships. My husband doesn’t take well to my crying. Whenever we are embroiled in conflict, his knee jerk reaction is anger and mine is crying. We don’t get much accomplished. In the long run we do after things are thought over, but the conflicts become so traumatic to me due to my Complex PTSD from my childhood, that I begun to back off expressing myself altogether several years ago. I used to use writing letters as my way of communicating and expressing what I needed to say, but that seems to bother everyone as well, particularly my husband. He also doesn’t like me talking or venting to friends about our personal lives because his ex wife used to badmouth him all the time to all of her friends. So I have had no outlet to get my thoughts out of the jail cell of my mind, I have not been able to write my feelings in letters and I have just acquiesced to keeping the peace by keeping the warring all in my head. And it’s honestly killing me and killing my relationships with everyone. I can’t keep lumping everything on myself and taking it all and never expressing f my hurt or pain. I need to feel secure enough in myself that when I do speak up, to know that I am not always the person who is wrong or the person who loses every battle as my parents taught me to believe. I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve and it’s imploding me from the inside out to be keeping everything inside. I am trying to tackle one small battle at a time to practice using my voice again within all of my relationships that need some sort of repair or boundaries and I am speaking my mind more and taking down some of the filters. For all of the filters that my child with Asperger’s Autism doesn’t have, I have them all for her, far too many of them. I sensor myself more that probably 95% of the people on this planet. And that is not healthy for my own well being and learning to love myself is going to break down some barriers that are unfortunately going to expose some people to some things they might not want to hear. But my head and heart just can’t carry this anymore. It’s time for others to share in the experiences that some of their words and actions are triggering in me. And if they can’t handle it and can’t rise to meet me and work on things the way I constantly try to work on myself day in and day out, then changes will have to come about in other ways so that I can do what I need to take care of myself, for the first time.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/sleeve/

An Angel sized Tantrum

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This is just one picture of one of the most beautiful playgrounds I have ever seen. And it is only minutes from our house. And it hokds extra special meaning to our family and our school family. It is called Angel Park. They began the major planning for this playground when my daughter was in kindergarten. Her class got to be one of two classes that got to draw ideas for their dream playground and actually have input in the elements of this playground. And the reason for this is because the entire concept behind this playground came from a family that attends the church and school where my daughter goes. There was a family that lost their son at 15 months old to Leukemia. Their son would have been about 21 years old now. It took quite some time from conception till the park was finally ready. They built this from almost, if not all, donated funds and labor. They took many things in to special consideration including elements for autistic, handicap and children with cochlear implants. It is the most beautiful, colossal and all inclusive playground I have ever come across in my 40 years on this Earth. We bought a fence picket while it was being built so our last name will always be a part of the park as well. I feel blessed to have seen this playground being built from the beginning and to have had a small part in it. I wish I would have been able to contribute more.

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Each time we come here though, I am always leary of what awaits me. The first two times we came, my daughter, who is 10 and has Asperger’s Autism, hurt herself, significantly enough to ruin her time here and cause us to have to leave. The first time even required a trip to the walk in clinic because she sprained her finger, they even thought it could have been fractured and had to call me back on the Monday morning when a radiologist could read it.

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Other times she’s had a great time, met other kids here that she didn’t know and made friends with them, which is always refreshing with her autism, because I never know how she will interact with other kids since she has such a hard time socially at school. I’ve taken a friend of hers and her cousin to go with her before. But today wasn’t one of the good days.

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She got there claiming she wanted to try going down the fire pole, something she hadn’t been able to bring herself to do yet due to her fear of heights. She got up there and still couldn’t. After that she immediately tried the monkey bars and everything else that require upper body strength which she knows she can’t do and then stood there and berated herself, throwing an angel sized tantrum. Sometimes I swear she enjoys wallowing in self pity more than she enjoys being happy. Because even when I complimented her later when she came over and told me that she figured out how to mount the zip line on her own and I told her that was great and good for her, she followed that by, it’s really not anything that big….so even when I try to be encouraging and complimentary, she won’t follow my positive lead. It is beyond frustrating and I just don’t know how to help her when she refuses to help herself.

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I try to take her the places she asks me to take her, I play the games she asks me to play with her, and somehow, things end up negative, because she always ends up putting a negative twist on everything. It is so disheartening. I try so hard and still feel like I am failing her. It is hard enough trying to fix my own mind from those who DID fail me and still are failing me, and some days it takes everything I have to step outside of myself to be there for her, and I am trying to give her a positive childhood experience, where I didn’t have one because mine purposely went out of their way to cause me pain, and even though I might not always be as engaging as I could or should be, and I might not always be the most playful or over involved parent, I do go out of my way to be there for her and to make things NOT negative for her, but she lives to do that herself and I feel guilty for all of this. I just don’t know what else to do for her. I have done all the research, we’ve tried many different things medication combinations, we’ve tried different therapies, I’ve tried many different home methods, I’m constantly amending my parenting methods to try what the experts say is best for kids with Asperger’s. I still feel lost and hate that she never seems happy. The climate in our house is always one of depression. I am trying so hard to break out of my 3 year depression and it makes it very hard when I am constantly surrounded by the door and gloom attitudes and the gray rain cloud that hangs over this house. I just don’t know what else to do to help everyone here. I’m trying to work on me and hoping they will follow suit. But so far, not seeing that happen. I refuse to be swallowed back down though. Somehow, people will have to catch up to where I am in life or they will get left behind in one way or another. I just don’t know what else to do. I can’t stay stuck anymore…..the tears of this angel that are being held back today are for those that I am afraid are not ready still to fly with me.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tantrum/

Checkmate

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I have always had an obsession with chess and chess boards. I only played my first chess game a few years ago. I don’t play that often. My husband was the first to teach me the general rules and to play a few games with me. I looked up more of the rules online and have played some of the computerized games of chess. I’m not very good. But I feel like I should be. I have the intelligence to be good at it. But my ADHD (which is a lot worse than I or a lot of people think it is) causes me to not think moves through very well unless I take a very long time to think one move through for a very long period of time because I have to really think through all of the potential moves that could lie ahead. And then my anxiety takes over because of the amount of time that it takes me per move and I end up often making boneheaded moves. And so my potential skills at chess are thwarted by my disorders. I am medicated for both. But it is so frustrating when I know it could and should be something I could be good at it.

I just taught my 10 year old daughter how to play, who had Asperger’s and is a flat out genius, and she beat me on her third game…ever! And it’s not just a matter of me not being good, she has the brain for this game and I hope she can get past her sore loser syndrome and learn some perseverence and persistence because she is already able to mentally predict the moves she should make based on what moves she predicts her opponent to make. She fascinates me by how advanced her brain is at such a young age. She is utterly amazing. I would love to see her make something of this.

I just emailed my doctor in the hopes that my ADHD medication dosage can be increased. I just resumed my medication for it this month as I hadn’t been taking it for several years. I hope that a higher dosage will help my concentration in all areas of my life, including chess.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/thwart/

Perception

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As with many people, binge watching TV shows has become “one of my things”. God bless the Netflix and Hulu! The difference between me and alot of other people is that I am very particular about the shows and movies that I chose to watch. I generally don’t watch much “mindless” tv. Most things I chose to watch have some relation to my life and some deeper meaning that I can grow and learn from.

One of my latest is the TV series “Perception”. It appeals to the social sciences deep thinking side of me.This side is a very dominant side. If I wasn’t a musician by career, I would have gone in to Psychology. In high school, when I was visiting the college fairs in my sophmore year, I was putting down on all of the cards that my intended major was Psychology and my intended minor was Music. One of the college representatives asked me if I had heard about Music Therapy which was a combination of my major and minor. By the time I got to my senior year of high school, that would be my intended major for college. Long story short, and this will be a longer story for another post (because it is quite the story in an of itself), I ended up becoming a Music Performance Major while in college. I took many social science classes, however, during my undergraduate work. And I still have an exuberant interest in all social sciences. I am a very unique private lessons instructor in my approach, in that, I utilize a lot of social science techniques in my teaching, as well as my students often confiding in me as a counselor because they take comfort in our relationship and can feel the stretch of my knowledge beyond music.

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I often feel that I am more conscious than the majority of people I come across. But often, I feel I come across to others as a bit insane or overly eccentric because my emotions and self esteem are very inchoate due to the situations and circumstances I have gone through in this lifetime in order to obtain that wisdom. The greatest minds run a fine line between genius and insanity, so perhaps that is a good sign.

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For my daughter, it is not her life circumstances that cause her emotions to be inchoate, but rather her innate genius brain. That is the paradoxical mind of someone with Asperger’s. It is as if one is so overdeveloped and firing at such a rapid rate that the other is also firing at such a rapid rate that it also misfires or doesn’t connect the proper emotion with the proper situation. Everything is just going a mile a minute up there for her. The intellectual information seems to organize itself, but the emotional stuff doesn’t. Either way, we both struggle with the emotional area and how to properly appropriate it.

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A thought came to my mind the other day. We are given all of these emotions in life for a reason. Many from my generation (I am 40) were brought up under the belief to control your emotions, hold back on all the negative emotions such as anger, sadness etc…we were not permitted to express our opinions to our elders, our elders were always right….even if they were wrong. We were an oppressed generation emotionally and we were not respected as individuals. The old saying of “children are meant to be seen and not heard” was often said or implied when we were children. And as parents, my generation has gone to the opposite extreme and become a little too loosey-goosey and allowed the children to walk all over the authority figures whereas they think they run the households now. The perception of authority shifted and has changed the reality of the way of life. Hopefully the next generation will find the right balance.

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But the thought that came to me was that I have realized that I seem to function with different people from different emotion banks. It is different emotions that drive me to make changes within different relationships in my life. I try to tell my daughter that it is always ok to have the gambut of emotions, but it is how she handles them and reacts to them as to whether it makes them “ok”. IE: It is ok to feel angry, but it is not ok to punch someone because you are angry, etc….But what I am noticing, at least for myself, and I’d be curious to know if other people experience this same phenomenon, is that sometimes the necessary impetus of change for me to make a paradigm shift is based in different emotions for different relationships. But this, unfortunately causes me to switch in negative emotions. And I don’t know how to break this. For example. It is anger or hurt that finally drives me to make the necessary boundary changes I need to with my adoptive parents. This is a positive change that I am always in need of, but I lose the courage to do this, unless I swarm myself with a million reasons to be angry and hurt by them enough to convince myself of why I need to put up these boundaries. I have to make myself miserable in order to make a healthy change for myself. It sounds so self-defeating, but I chicken out if I don’t do this ritualistic barrage of hurtful input information until I finally make my move. I want to stop hurting myself, but I can’t seem to find another way to muster up the courage.

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If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears. I am still in the inchoate stages of my redefinition of self. But I leave with the following quotes from the show “Perception” which cause me to feel that I will continue to function in similar patterns.

Walt Whitman wrote, “I contain multitudes.” Turns out he was more right than he knew. The self is really a collection of several distinct neural networks all running on this glob of jelly between your ears. So through your different versions of yourself, floating around inside your skull, which one is the real you? And even if you do change, something about yourself, your face, your name, where you live, you might feel different, you might even be able to fool people, for a little while, but can you ever actually change who you really are? -Daniel

Does free will exist? Do I exert conscious control over my actions? Did I do that on purpose? Or was I forced to do it by some unseen neural process? Fact is, most of the neuro scientific data suggests free will is an illusion. But if that’s true, are we simply meat puppets? All of our choices made for us? -Daniel

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/inchoate/