Snack Attack

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Food is my vice. Despite the chaotic and emotionally traumatic roller coaster of a life I have had to survive since day one on planet Earth, the only vice I have truly had is food. I have dabbled with cigarettes, alcohol and drugs and have never become addicted. So I can even say that I don’t have an addictive personality, it’s not that I can say no and never try things. I have even tried things and then never become addicted and had it been a mind over matter situation and chosen to not become addicted to any of those substances, ever.

But food/sugar. That’s another story altogether. I have struggled with it for as long as I can remember. I would struggle to stop at just 3 cookies. I could scarf down an entire bag of double stuf Oreos all by myself in one sitting. And I always knew that I ate primarily out of boredom or for psychological reasons. But I could never get a handle on it. The only time I seemed to be able to get a grip on it was when I was sort of forced via pain and working out when I started karate. Pain because I had braces that they were trying to get two years worth of work done in one year, so I got them double tightened each time, so I could barely eat for days after each orthodontist appointment. My senior year of high school was the best my body ever looked due to those two things. I have a big build. When people say some one is big boned, that isn’t a cop out for some people. I was truly the skinniest I probably could ever be as an adult that year, and I was still a larger size in women’s clothing. I will never be a size 0 or a size 2. It’s physically impossible for me.

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That’s my graduation picture from high school, at the lowest weight I’ve ever been in my fully grown body. It’s now a pipe dream that I know I’ll never achieve again.

My husband pointed out when I got my non-identifying information from the adoption agency when I put in to search for my birth mom that it had reported on there that when I was in foster care that I was becoming irritable and the doctor recommended for the foster parents to put honey in my bottle….so….let’s analyze this a moment. I’m irritable (probably from the trauma of being ripped away from my mother and not knowing who these people are that are “taking care of me” and who knows how much they were cuddling me and giving me the emotional side of what a baby needs to thrive) so the doctor says to placate me with honey (something sweet)……fill the emptiness, the longing for what’s missing with sweets….hmm, no wonder I’m addicted psychologically to sweets.

Whenever I’m bored or feeling empty, lonely, unloved, unwanted, fearful, angry, self conscious, anxious….you name the negative emotion….I feel a snack attack coming on….

Until recently. With my life spiraling out of control, once again, without warning and with me working on self love and having worked so hard for 6 months to work my way out of a 3 year depression, I was not about to let myself slip back in to another one. So I began to cling to one thing I knew I could control, regardless of how psychologically hard it has always been for me, I knew I COULD physically control the food that goes in my mouth, or doesn’t. I put on 15 extra pounds while I was on an extra anti-depressant to get out of my 3 year depression. I was on that med for 6 months and gained those 15 pounds all within that time frame. And I wasn’t happy at the weight I was at prior to those extra 15 pounds. So now I was SUPERBLY depressed about my weight. But I was finally able to come off that medication in January of this year.

After coming off of that, starting my ADHD meds again (which also help me shed some weight), upping the dosage on one of my migraine preventative meds (which also helps me shed weight as well), starting to take diet pills and finally starting to become OCD over controlling what I eat, I am finally down the 15 pounds I had gained. I dipped down one extra pound earlier this week but put it back on in the past couple of days. The method I have been going g with has been to watch very carefully what I eat for many days in a row and then for a couple of days (typically weekends) to not count anything. I often gain back a couple of pounds during those days but then they come right off and then I lose another one or two during the week as well. So it has been working pretty well for me and has actually been keeping my metabolism tricked so that it doesn’t ever go in to that starvation mode since I am eating pretty well one or two days during the week. So even though the scale weight goes up a couple days a week, I am consistently losing weight week to week, which is the important part.

It has become something I am now OCD about and something I want to prove to myself and others that I can control and also something that I can have in my back pocket in case I ever have it thrown in my face if things ever get ugly in my life that I am not able to control my addiction. Since I have had my addiction my entire life, and we will always be exposed to sugar, I will always be tested with my addiction the rest of my life. I will never have the opportunity to fully walk away from it and stay away from it, which is easier once you kick it fully. I need to do this to help empower myself so that I feel I have a stance to take if and when I am ready. More likely when. I have been taking almost daily pictures of myself in the raw to help me with my analysis of my body image, to help me accept myself as I am and to know what I want to change. I am going to be completely raw and brave and post a collage of those selfies here of my daily selfies in different outfits over the time frames that I’ve been trying to lose weight so that I can see how I look in different outfits and know myself and help myself to become more comfortable in my own skin. Most of them I am not posing and dont have makeup on and don’t have my hair done etc….these were strictly for body image, not facial image. So I’m being very vulnerable in doing this.

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2 more weeks until I get on a cruise ship and am surrounded by women in bikinis where I will feel self conscious, even though I made a point in telling my husband I don’t want to go on any excursions that make me have to be in a bathing suit or be around people in a bathing suit. But there are pools on the ship. It’s not like I can avoid being around beautiful bodies in bikinis sitting by the pool that I can never look like and never measure up to, or down to technically. This world just sucks for people like me who have to work so hard to even look somewhat average, and still know that I can never compare to so many of the other women out there and that it’s just yet another area of my life that I can never be first choice in to anybody. Classic Adoptee theme, always second best (if that), constant rejection feeling, always feeling unwanted….

 

My song of the day…Unpretty….by TLC…I don’t feel the exact lyrics, especially since they talk about feeling too skinny, that’s clearly not my problem, but still many of the lyrics and feelings of it resonate with the theme of my post…

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/snack/

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Sunny Day Sweepin’ the Clouds Away

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Sunny days sweeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is sweet, can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

The busy bee….sniffing around for which flower smells the sweetest on any given day. Only the youngest flowers waver and turn towards the sunny direction. The wiser, more mature flowers stand their ground and stay facing one direction. For they are confident that each morning the sun will rise in the East and they will get their due, but they also welcome the shade as the earth moves direction and the sun then provides shade in the latter part of the day. The wisdom of the older sunflower knows that it needs rest and shade from the constant heat and scorching ray’s of the sun.

As I was watching episode 4 of Smallville that I just started as another series to binge watch, one of those darned synchronicities happened while I write this. Image upon image upon image of sunflowers appeared throughout the episode. In copious amounts.

I know I had taken quite the hiatus from writing here, but I think I am reminding my niche again. So hopefully this means I will be back with a vengeance (and you will see that word pop up also in my song of the day-lol). I have also been engaging in very stimulating conversation in the past week with one of my.former college professors on Facebook (the evil social media that pushed me towards coming here as I felt completely unheard and unseen in that platform). Though the people I used to expect to engage with me there still generally aren’t, it is interesting to see who creeps up out of the woodwork as I started to go through one of my meme tangent diatribes. It engaged that former professor of mine and he and I have really had some wonderful conversation and he has pulled some great things out of me in the past week, so that has been refreshing as well.

Please excuse the flightiness of my post here. My mind is still a bit raw and a gaggle of rampant emotions and ADHD thoughts that can’t be suppressed by my normal meds because what I’m dealing with right now is above and beyond the normal maintenance. So I may be a bit scattered for a while. It’s a step to get myself back here, never mind the editing or collecting my thoughts to be sure I am putting together something perfectly cohesive right now. So you will have to deal with the raw and mentally naked Alice in Wonderland right now. Hope that’s cool with y’all! And, can anyone tell me how to get to Sesame Street? I need to go back to someplace where life was a bit more simplistic…

 

My song of the day: Much in a similar manner as yesterday, it very much follows the daily word prompt (from last year on this day) and it also follows the theme of this post and what’s going on in my life right now. It is all melding together quite seamlessly, the daily prompts, the quotes, the songs, what I’m living through. Funny how things align some times and writing comes effortlessly at times.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/sunny/

Rich stay rich, rich control needy, needy remain poor

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As if healing from the trauma of adoption and narcissistic adoptive parents weren’t enough, and having the chemical imbalances of anxiety and ADHD that weren’t discovered and treated till I was in my 20s and 30s, let’s add to that a child who has Asperger’s Autism. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter, and nothing can ever change that, no diagnosis could make me love her any less. But I obviously must have convinced Kuk Sa Nim and the Universe that I am some sort of Warrior that has all the strength in the world with the largest set of shoulders. And that synopsis snapshot is only a tiny little picture of it all really. Yet somehow I remain drug, alcohol and cigarette free…not sure how still….you might want to check back with me again on that one in another 10 years….

So the past couple of days have brought on a reminder of exactly the way the world runs. That the rich rule the world. The rich get to dictate and control those who are dependant on them for care and those who are needed always remain repressed by the rich. What does that mean in layman’s terms. Here has been my battle this week.

My daughter receives her medications through her pediatrician for her Autism (anxiety). He requires a 6 month med checkup. Ok. No big deal. Due to the fact that I have ADHD and a very stressful job when it comes to fine details that keep my head swimming, I often forget when it is that I need to make an appointment (and I can’t make them ahead of time due to my schedule because I’d end up having to cancel and reschedule anyway because my schedule is constantly in flux due to it’s shifting nature). So it ends up that the need for renewal of her medication is often the way that I am reminded that I need to make an appointment. I just can’t keep that detail worked out. And it’s not like the doctors doctor ever sends any notice like the dentist or the vet or the eye doctor does. So I tried to renew her prescription through my pharmacy and it was denied twice. So I called her pediatricians office. The front desk told me the doctor may not do it because she’s due for her med check and they don’t want to be held liable for patients with psychiatric and ADHD issues and medication dosages. After arguing with her (which I will splay out my logic in a second) her medication has still not been refilled 2 days later….So I guess I will be on the search for another pediatrician who will work with her diagnosis and continue to prescribe her medications.

Here is my logic on this one….

So they claim they don’t want to be held “liable and responsible” for mis-dosaging of psychiatric and ADHD patients….Yet I tell them my daughter is out of her medication and they won’t even renew it for a month until I can get her in with an appointment. So they’d rather be liable for a 10 year old to have withdrawn from a medication she’s now been on for several years and that all I’m going to do is walk in and tell them that she’s doing fine on it. If there was a problem with the dosage to where there major problems at home due to her dosage being too low because she had outgrown the dosage, I would have already made the appointment. They hadn’t upped the medication dosage, she’s been on the same thing, so worst case scenario is that it’s not as effective because of her weight differentiation….So….sounds like they are more interested in making their money than in the real care of their patient, who will have to suffer withdrawal. Luckily, I and my husband are on the same medication just double the dosage and we are cutting our pills in half. It probably changes the extended release portion of it, but it’s better than watching my 10 year old go through withdrawal from a medication I’ve been through the withdrawal of and it is not pleasant. I’m utterly appalled by this doctors behavior……

Rapid decline

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I usually don’t get much chance to write until later at night (often past the midnight deadline) due to my schedule and then the need for quiet time to write when everyone else is asleep. I often burn the candle at both ends too many days in a row and it catches up. Tonight my ability to stay awake long enough to write something thoughtful is in rapid decline. And so I will leave the more thought provoking and emotionally charged writing for tomorrow. Goodnight wordpressland.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/rapid/

My song of the day: Sleep by Plumb

Only fools rush in

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And so I will start where I left off 2 days ago. In my post “Perception”, I left off with the following quote from the TV show of the same name:

Does free will exist? Do I exert conscious control over my actions? Did I do that on purpose? Or was I forced to do it by some unseen neural process? Fact is, most of the neuro scientific data suggests free will is an illusion. But if that’s true, are we simply meat puppets? All of our choices made for us? -Daniel Pierce

Here is what the band Rush has to say on the matter of free will….

But then, do they in a later album contradict themselves within these lyrics?

So, now let us examine a couple of terms and definitions that are often argued and contemplated when philosophizing about freewill.

Pre-Determinism: the idea that the entire past (as well as the future) was determined at the origin of the universe.

Casual Determinism: Causal determinists believe that there is nothing in the universe that is uncaused or self-caused.

The basic scientific idea of hereditary determination fulfills the definition of causal determinism, a metaphysical concept.

Determinism: Determinism is the philosophical idea that every event or state of affairs, including every human decision and action, is the inevitable and necessary consequence of antecedent states of affairs.

Determination: Determination is the  idea that our decisions are determined by our motives and deliberations, by our character and values, and by our feelings and desires. The idea that events (including human actions) can be adequately determined by immediately prior events (such as an agent’s reasons, motives, desires), without being pre-determined back to before the agent’s birth or even back to the origin of the universe.

Free will:

the power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one’s own discretion.
synonyms: self-determination, freedom of choice, autonomylibertyindependence

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The photo meme above was one that was generated by one of those Facebook “find your quote of the year, made specially for you” sites….It is of value to this meandering…I would like to start here and work backwards through the definitions. The canvas analogy of this quote resonated in me as an Adoptee because in many ways I felt like a blank canvas with no reference picture, as I was not brought up around my birthfamily. I was floundering around as a child, always trying to fit in, trying to draw from those in my environment, but always knowing that the boxes I was trying to fit in to were not who I was deep inside. By high school and college, the true me, my true identity, emerged and it was very different from anyone I was raised around. When I finally got in touch with my birthfamilies, it was uncanny how much of the identity that I was so drawn to, that emerged despite never having met them until I was in my late 30s, was a perfect blend of my birthmom and birthdad. My identity seems to me (to use the terms within the confines of this argument), to be a casual determinism. In fact, no matter how hard my adoptive parents have tried to quash that identity, it has remained in tact, partially out of choice, partially because it is “who I was”, despite never knowing this on the conscious level at that time.

Moving along to the actual definitions and debate.

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Back in college I took several social science classes, a variety of psychology classes, philosophy classes (even one of my math requirement classes was a blended math/philosophy class), sociology, social psychology etc….I will admit it has been some time since I have read up on the classic Philosophers, and unfortunately, due to my ADHD, one of my coping techniques was to purge the info I learned for each exam in order to learn the info for the next exam. Sadly, I have not retained much of my knowledge. So, what I put forth may not be factually accurate and may have already been covered by someone, and I may be behind the game on this one. I am only beginning to re-emerge in to the world of research and knowledge seeking, so please forgive any indiscretions and misinformation.

My opinion on free will simply boils down to what is stated in the above meme. “You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.” I do believe that the definitions of the terms work in conjunction with each other, in the consecutive order that I listed them. I believe we do all have free will, that we are free to choose, and make any choice we want, but that our choices are influenced by all of the factors (Pre-Determinism, Casual Determinism, Determinism and Determination). We ultimately have to answer to our own minds (as that is the main jail cell we are stuck in 24/7), and then there is the other barrage of possible consequences, depending upon what the choice to be made is. Those who are religiously minded have the fear of their higher power looking over them as a consequence. There is fear of losing some type of relationship as a possible outcome. Fear of losing income, or a job. Somehow, free will seems to coincide with a decision between something that could possibly be beneficial and something that could potentially be harmful or negative in some way. There always seems to be that “what if” chance on the other side of free will. Do I have the free will to leave my house right now and go for a drive in my car? Absolutely. No one is stopping me. Someone else might choose to do so under the given circumstances. Nothing really bad happened. Just some negative energy. Could getting out the house right now possibly be beneficial? Maybe. Would it really do much harm? No. My daughter just went up to go to bed. My husband is home. I wouldn’t be endangering anyone. But it also raises the risk of me getting in to a car accident by being on the road later at night. There really aren’t any places for me to go other than bars at this point, and I’m not a drinker. So what is the benefit? Not much. Options are weighed and there seems less benefit to it than it is worth. But do I have the free will? Yes. Could I exercise it if I choose to? Yes. I choose not to (even though it was really only a hypothetical situation that I came up with merely for this mental experiment). And I still have made a choice not to have to decide, as Rush points out in their song.

Regardless of any one person’s decision, the world will still keep on turning, until the day it doesn’t. So everyone is free to decide however they choose. But they are not free from the consequences (good or bad) of those choices. Even if one person is the reason for the final act that causes the extinction of the world as we know it, there will always be acts and people involved in those steps leading up to it that played their role. No person is ever a complete lone soldier in their mission.

Free will, always something leading up to it, always free to use it, always a consequence and outcome from it. Only fools rush in…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/rush/

 

Checkmate

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I have always had an obsession with chess and chess boards. I only played my first chess game a few years ago. I don’t play that often. My husband was the first to teach me the general rules and to play a few games with me. I looked up more of the rules online and have played some of the computerized games of chess. I’m not very good. But I feel like I should be. I have the intelligence to be good at it. But my ADHD (which is a lot worse than I or a lot of people think it is) causes me to not think moves through very well unless I take a very long time to think one move through for a very long period of time because I have to really think through all of the potential moves that could lie ahead. And then my anxiety takes over because of the amount of time that it takes me per move and I end up often making boneheaded moves. And so my potential skills at chess are thwarted by my disorders. I am medicated for both. But it is so frustrating when I know it could and should be something I could be good at it.

I just taught my 10 year old daughter how to play, who had Asperger’s and is a flat out genius, and she beat me on her third game…ever! And it’s not just a matter of me not being good, she has the brain for this game and I hope she can get past her sore loser syndrome and learn some perseverence and persistence because she is already able to mentally predict the moves she should make based on what moves she predicts her opponent to make. She fascinates me by how advanced her brain is at such a young age. She is utterly amazing. I would love to see her make something of this.

I just emailed my doctor in the hopes that my ADHD medication dosage can be increased. I just resumed my medication for it this month as I hadn’t been taking it for several years. I hope that a higher dosage will help my concentration in all areas of my life, including chess.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/thwart/