Since only one of my four parents is actually able to put my needs first and truly want what’s best for me and do “what’s in the best interest of the child”, I have to go on living parallel lives. They are all so caught up in having their own feelings that mine are disregarded. Two of them always made it well known they would feel betrayef if I searched for the one who gave birth to me. They never thought there would be a fourth in the picture. And so, they will never know about the secret life I am forced to live in order to not hurt them and in order to not be potentially cut out of the lives of the people who raised me. And then there’s the one who gave birth to me. The one who knows how oppressed I feel by those whose hands I ended up in because of her decision. And yet, she pushes me in to more secrecy because she can’t handle that I have developed a relationship with the person she created me with. She congratulates herself for giving me his name, as if I couldn’t have found him in some other way, as if I wouldn’t have had animosity towards her if she would have withheld that information from me. Came to find out her stories don’t add up to his. And he is the one who is more genuine. Her stories have done some morphing since the time time I’ve met her. Yet he is the one she claims to be evil. Knowing full well how much I detest being lied to, and knowing how much I hate mind games and having to tip toe around people. She calls herself a devout Christian, yet her constant hypocrisy, just like those who raised me is astounding. What would Jesus do? He would certainly pit his feelings aside in the best interests for a child who is in desperate need of her parents to do what is right for her. A child who needs her parents to stop putting her in the middle of all of their own hatred and jealousy toward each other, because it is all transferred in to my psyche and weighs so heavily on my self esteem and my definition and ability for self love and to give love. I’ve never had a proper model. I know in my head at least what it is supposed to look like and I can only hope I continue to get better the more I become aware as a parent so that my children don’t feel as I do.