As I have revealed in many of my past writings, I have self esteem issues. Due to my lack of self love (from the lack of proper love in childhood formative years), an early substitution of sweet taste when I am irritable due to the need for physical affection and not receiving it and it’s subsequent translation to emotional eating and weight issues, my feelings of “never good enough” and second best/choice…I have always struggled to look in the mirror and believe that I am beautiful and sexy and feel secure enough in my self to not be intimidated by the world as it is.
With the amount of women who flaunt what they’ve got, and the men who ogle at all of the perfect photoshopped celebrities and porn stars out there, and even the real women out there who have the money or the time to dedicate their lives to organic eating and gym obsessions or the luck of skinny gene’s, I don’t stand a chance to feel wantable. I always feel like there’s always someone better to crave, always someone to skinnier and sexier to lust after than me. The ease of obtaining images to turn someone on and the fantasies that can be spun that are more than some women are able to live up to, and it causes some of us feel inferior our entire lives to a standard we are and never will be able to measure up to. Even just watching R rated movies often exposes women’s bodies and makes me self conscious of my own. Victoria’s secret commercials, TV shows with barely there bikinis. I constantly retreat in to myself, and the more bodies I see exposed, the more I want to cover myself up. The more they flaunt, the less I do.
My song of the day: Photograph by Def Leppard