I pulled an Oracle card today, one of many, but this one in particular just hit me with a message that resonated inside my soul as one of the main things that is keeping me stuck. The longer and more elaborate description reads as follows:
This card indicates that your prayer will be answered as you release yourself from the inability to offer forgiveness. While you may feel justified in your anger, the truth is that your resentment is only hurting you-the rage you’re carrying is blocking your deepest desires. Go outside and ask the fairies and spirit of nature to clear your mind, body and emotions of lower energies. You’ll benefit enormously by making the decision to detoxify yourself of old anger and resentment.
Additional meanings for this card: forgive yourself and be cleared of toxic guilt, reduce judgmental thoughts about yourself or others, send an apologetic note to someone, stop identifying yourself as a victim and see yourself as powerful, focus on the present instead of the past
It’s the additional meanings for the card that are the most powerful for me. Particularly the part about forgiving myself. There have been a lot of people in my life that I am working on Souliberating from (click on the link to see my blog post about this term), but I do really need to forgive myself. I deserve my own forgiveness. Forgiveness for not being able to love myself enough to let go of the guilt that has been wearing me down for far too long. Forgiveness for allowing others to trample all over my self worth. Forgiveness for not respecting myself enough that I allowed others to silence my voice, I showed them how to treat me because I allowed them to. Forgiveness for not asking for what I need, for putting everyone else before myself.
A quote I heard last night on a show was:
“The first lesson of becoming a woman is learning to tell the man in your life what your needs are.” –Cash Gray, “Nashville”
I guess I still haven’t become a woman at 40 years old because I still haven’t learned to ask or tell anyone in my life what my needs are. Once in a great while I might express a little something, but I never express anything elaborate as to the real thoughts that go on inside my brain. I continue to swirl around in the swimming pool of wondering when anyone will think of my needs, all while feeling guilty for not meeting every single one of their needs and always trying to people please when I get something wrong or when I seem to disappoint someone.
Learning to love myself is very difficult for me. I am so scared to come across as selfish or self absorbed or not attending to my duties. I worry about others perceptions of me, but I shouldn’t. Especially when my own perception of myself has been unfavorable for far too long. And perhaps if my own perception of myself changes, soon thereafter others perceptions of me will change as well. But I have to get through the process first and turn off my radar to other people’s reactions to the changes they see occuring in me, because they might be shell shocked for a while.
I just had an interesting conversation with a parent of a student tonight about exorcism. She said that the last priest who had performed one just passed away. We got into a discussion about it and I had posed the suggestion that what Catholics and other religious sects labeled as being possessed by demons in times gone by could really just be mental health issues that were “mislabeled” because not enough was known about psychology back then. And sometimes the “voices inside” someone’s head who is struggling with mental health issues can just speak evil inside their head rather than confusion or delusion etc…such as one of the personalities of someone with multiple personalities being someone who claims to be a demon or someone evil that forces the person they are inhabiting to do evil things.
I have done the above. I have walked, I have faced, and now I am climbing out. I have dwelled in my shadows too long. I forgive myself for being there too long and bathing in the toxic shadows for too long. I am ready to find resolve now instead of only wallow.