From now on, this is me.
Today I met with a friend. A friend who sees that I have locked my heart away inside and put boxes, and cement and ice and steel around it. I have done this to protect my heart because it became weary and Leary of everyone after being hurt so much. She told me I need to learn to love myself. And to do that I need to unlock my heart. I haven’t known how to love myself, because I didn’t have good examples. I wasn’t shown proper love by most people, especially those who were supposed to love me. So working on learning HOW to love myself has to be my first mission.
I have a radiant heart underneath all of the layers of building material that I have buried it in. My heart still wants to see the good in people, despite how much they’ve hurt me. My heart still gives people more chances than they deserve, despite how much they’ve hurt me. My heart still does the right thing and takes the high road, despite how much they’ve hurt me.
I have gone through the dark night of the soul. I am on the upside, I am emerging. I have seen through the veil of those who have ill intentions where I am concerned. I can decipher the realities from the masked half truths or cover-ups that some of those in my life try to pass off on me. I will no longer acquiesce in the manner that certain characters desire from me. I will no longer kow-tow to their way of life simply to be the peace-keeper. I choose to stand in my own light. And if anyone doesn’t like it, that is their own issue to deal with, and I won’t let it affect me any longer, even if they attempt to turn the tables on me. I will stand firm from now on. I will live the life that is right for me.
I’ve had too many people throughout my life cause me to feel ashamed of who I am, and cause me to feel that my emotional mood swings were too much to handle. My parents allowed the emotions, they allowed me to cry. But I was never to speak up for myself to them. If I were to ever “challenge” anything they said or be upset with them or call them out on something they did wrong, they reacted explosively and would hang up on me, stop speaking to me, or tell me “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Never would they accept any responsibility for their own actions. And so I grew up thinking and feeling as if I was always the one who was wrong in all situations. Even if I knew logically that it wasn’t true, that was how I reacted and felt emotionally in my heart. That was my physiological reaction every time I had a confrontation with anyone in my life, and still is.
After growing up in that atmosphere, my friends and boyfriends couldn’t deal with my emotional roller coasters. They blatently told me that I was difficult to deal with. I finally medicated for my anxiety, which is why I would cry every day, the emotional sensivity of everything that raced through my head was so overwhelming that it would be all-in-one using and flood my tear ducts. The anti-anxiety medication helped that aspect. I will always be an emotional person as I am an empath, but I don’t cry every day any longer.
I have learned to be a little more secure in being who I am. When people take up issue with a personality traits of mine, or a behavioral quirk, unless it is something that I truly believe needs changing I am learning that their issue with it is their issue. So what if I get too loud sometimes, so what if I am more emotional than many people, so what if I dress flamboyantly, so what if I am eccentric. I am unapologetically an oddball. If people can’t deal with that about me, then I have no need for them in my life. Normal people are boring to me anyway. And judgmental people are too much like my parents and I have no room for more of that nonsense in my life.
When I finally start loving myself and allowing my radiant heart to shine through, perhaps it will allow me to show everyone else in my life the proper way to treat me and that I won’t be walked all over the way people have stooped to low levels when ever there is a disagreement between myself and any one else in my life. I have taught them how to treat me this far. I have shown them that I don’t like confrontation and thus that they have an upper hand any time that we don’t see eye to eye. And I won’t allow that any longer.
I am proud of my scars. I am proud of my past. I am proud of the battles I have fought. They build character. They give my musicianship depth. They allow me to relate to more people in life’s travels. I am resilient. Many people would have crumbled and been much less functional in my life’s shoes. I am proud that I have become who I am in the face of constant adversity. Now is my time. It is my time to turn the tables and choose what I will allow to affect me. It is my time to choose my own destiny. It is my time to block out choices that others have made for my life and for their own that have affected me, and to counteract those choices with choices of my own that will be the most beneficial for me. I choose to let my radiant heart shine, but to still be able to protect it from hurt. I choose me.