A foreign concept

Love. A foreign concept to me sometimes. The love that created me is labeled as illicit, this deeming me as an illegitimate child. Before I go any further, let’s just ponder this term for a split second and how that makes a human being feel to be considered illegitimate, as if they are less than, not worthy, not real….Carrying on…..

The love that carried me for 9 months abandoned me, landing me in foster care for 6 weeks because she refused to surrender my birthdads name when she gave me up. Who knows what kind of love, or lack thereof I was shown during those 6 weeks, how much I was held or rocked or consoled. It was in my adoption papers that while I was in foster care that I was irritable and the doctor told them to start putting honey in my bottle. So two things were gleaned from that information. One, that I was fussy in foster care, most likely because I was clearly affected by my abandonment and probably lack of nurture in foster care. I became addicted to sweets to pacify me as early as 6 weeks old…..

I was then sent to the care of dysfunctional adoptive parents that don’t really know how to love. My dad knows how to love himself, money and later on his boyfriend (while still married to my mom), while my mom used me more to fulfill her need for love that she lacked because she didn’t get it from her wicked mother. So rather than give it to me as she was supposed to, she required it FROM me, putting quite the large weight on a small child’s shoulders.

Then I had a few short term boyfriends cheat on me and one long term boyfriend who was highly abusive; psychologically and emotionally.

Enter my husband. Today we went put for the evening to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary and our 17th year of being together which will both occur on the same day, which will be Tuesday, March 27th. He works alot so tonight was the only night we could get out to celebrate. The song that is the song of the day is one of our songs (we have many). It is a song he chose due to the lyrics and now I am choosing it today because of the lyrics, and because of the name of the band and it’s coincidence with today’s word prompt. We have had a very turbulent but loving relationship. 14/17 years together and I do know with all of my heart that I love him and that he loves me. I know what unconditional love is now because of him, because he helped me to bring a daughter in to this world. And I have step children because of him, and I do have unconditional love now for them. That unconditional love for them was tried a few times, but it turns out in the end, that I do have it for them as well. And I have it for him too. Even if, for whatever reason, we couldn’t make it work, and had to separate, I know I WILL always love him, and I am pretty certain he will always love me, even if it came to the point that we couldn’t live together. That sometimes is love too. But tonight for our anniversary, we held hands through the whole movie and had a wonderful time. Love has become less of a foreign concept to me since my husband entered my life.



Author: Alice Funk Farie

Ecclectic Eccentric, Adoptee, Mom of a child with Aspergers Autism, Complex-PTSD from childhood trauma, Daughter of parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Dependant Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression Warrior, Empath, Indigo Child, Musician, Educator, Wife of a Sociopathic Addict, Stepmom, Martial Artist, Artist, Philosophizer, Quote Collector, Survivor

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