After being in the Dark Night of the Soul/Deep Depression for 3 years now, it is going to take some time to work my way back to reality. I have been functioning while in my depression, which, many people shut down completely. I just hadn’t been functioning at the level I expect of myself and I was wasting away in terms of my usefulness outside of my mandatory duties in life, as I was barely getting through those and I was skimming the surface on those as it was. I am trying to have patience with myself in knowing that it will take time to rebuild and am taking solace in the fact that I am trying.
Even though I’m not a student, the principles of the meme above is how I feel ALL the time. I feel as though everyone expects so much from me and that they have no idea what my life is like. I feel like everyone and everything demands to be #1 priority, and I just can’t give that to everything. And it is especially hard to handle as someone who is a people pleaser and a perfectionist, and I don’t do well with conflict or someone telling me that I have failed at something, let them down, or neglected something.
I have always loved to read. I began to despise it in high school in college when I was forced to read with deadlines and with books that were not of my choice. I revolted and only read 2 books during high school. “All Quiet on the Western Front” and Dante’s “Inferno”. I was still able to get good grades because I developed slick ways to learn the material. I would take notes on the factual information during our class discussions about the books and the. I would participate in the discussions by finding a philosophical slant that didn’t require much fact regurgitation, and I would chase that down a rabbit hole and that would impress the teachers that I would dive in deeper. Little did they know it was all a manipulation game. That was also how I got away with my essay writing as well. I now regret not reading some of the great literature.
I started a book club back in 2004 with like minded readers. We explore many different genre. I was the founder, but I have also been the most inconsistent member of the group, embarrassingly. Due to life’s distractions, I often am not able to keep up with the reading, much as my heart wants to. This year, I am determined to become better about this aspect of my life again and start completing the books. I also figured out a few years ago that I have ADHD as well, so some of my reading issue I think is also linked to that, and I need to have patience with myself in that as well and I need some determinism to not push that off just to circumvent my issue. My retention is awful. I always scored horrifically on the reading comprehension portions of standardized tests. I love to read very much, and I am highly intelligent, but I have realized later in life that due to the ADHD that I have that was never diagnosed (because it wasn’t a known “thing” when I was growing up), that my method for being able to get good grades and to get around the attention problem is that I would memorize the information needed for a test (I do have a good memory in many ways) and then I would purge the information for the next deluge of information needed for the next test. But now, I feel like a highly uneducated person because I haven’t retained some very basic information that I feel someone of my general intelligence level should know.
I am working on developing various plans in all aspects of my life to get back on track towards forging a new path for myself. One habit at a time. I had to break down the old construct of my life in order to figure out what was most important to me instead of just following along with what everyone else was telling me to do or leading me towards. I am confident that at least now everything I choose to put in my journey comes directly from me and what I want for myself. Some things it might take me a little while to determine for sure if I want as part of my life, but I will know when something is or isn’t right for me. And I am ready to give my all to those things that are most important to me. I just need to work.on the time management issue to find the balance for those things.