As I began to pen today’s blog installation, I was watching a video on the life of Saint Maximilian Kolbe. I borrowed it from one of the ladies in a group I joined during Lent that is called “Mom’s Journeying Together”. It is a group of mom’s meeting at my daughter’s school once per week and it is a sort of short term book club, and we are reading a book entitled “Resisting Happiness” by Matthew Kelly. He founded an organization called Dynamic Catholic that has an online website that has little study sessions and videos based on his readings and inspirational anecdotes and such. One of the moms in this group brought in her entire collection of Saints videos to share with the group if anyone wanted to borrow any because during lent, as a family, they give up television and watch saints movies instead. She has always had her children do this as well. I borrowed two movies based on them lives of saints that I have taken a liking to based on what they are the patron of. As I was watching the video of Saint Maximilian Kolbe and beginning to formulate my thoughts for this article, the picture I took at the top of this article hit my screen. How quaint, the word premonition used in an obscure video I was watching on the day it is the daily prompt for this site. I’ve heard many different terms for occurrences like these…God Winks, Synchronicities, Coincidences, etc….I have always interpreted this sort of thing as the universe or God telling me that I am in the right place, at the right time, on the right path, doing the right thing.
So, on to what my original thoughts were ACTUALLY about before I was detailed by the synchronicity of the moment…Yesterday I had posted about many characters throughout my life playing mind games and manipulating me to the point that I often have a difficult time understanding what is real and what I am making up in my head, in terms of people’s intentions and whether some are conspiring and scheming against me to their own advantage. Someone commented and mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy models that can help with this to sort out reality and distortions within my own thinking.
While I definitely admit to some of the distortions such as filtering and catasrophizing, many of the things that lead me to my perceptions of situations with people are belief in understanding the way that they think or “mind reading” and “premonitions” in that I believe that I can predict how things are going to play out. While these are often seen as distortions of thinking, I have extremely heightened intuition and am very in touch with energy between people and pick up on shifts in energy without even trying. Many people may think that premonitions and intuition are all “woo-woo”, yet they speak of Saint Maximilian Kolbe having one, in a Catholic video, a religion that supposedly doesn’t really believe in mysticism. I am an empath and whether or not someone believes in some of these esoteric notions, I have had so many factual situations throughout my life, that those who are close to me have witnessed the types of predictions that I can make and the ability I have in reading situations and picking up on the slightest clues and knowing when I am being duped. And unfortunately these feelings send me on a tailspin to seek out the truth.
I know that ignorance is bliss and that I am often the cause of my own misery in many ways, but I despise being played for a fool. I am not some naive little girl who people can puppeteer around as if I am tied up by strings and I refuse to be treated as such. And too many of the people I have encountered in my life think that they can do this if they play their cards right. Since I am intelligent, they know they must go about it with mind tricks because it cannot be done overtly, I would catch on too quickly. But by attempting to be sly about it with maneuvers like gaslighting, it causes me to question whether people are truly that self indulgent and manipulative or whether I am so self conscious about being played for a fool due to some definite situations happening earlier in my life that I now look for them and assume that they will happen to me due to lack of trust. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I’ve been fooled by certain characters more than once, and they have admitted as such, so my original beliefs are certainly not unfounded. But exactly how far do my trust issues now take things? Can I ever trust these people again after they have continued to prove themselves untrustworthy and in it for their own agendas? Where is that fine line between where THEY draw the line, as to what they would like about and what situations they would manipulate? Is it like a drug to them? Once they have seen it worked a couple of times (because I am a kind hearted soul and want to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt to a certain extent), do they continue to push the envelope in many situations just to see how far they can push?
Often my premonitions seem to prove right and I find hard evidence to back it up. Though I have lost my voice through the years in an attempt to keep the peace because I despise conflict. And this is how they probably have felt they can get away with it. Because they probably think they are. I sit on my evidence out of fear of an argument. Because somehow I get shut down. My go to self defense mechanism is crying and everyone else’s seems to be either anger or stoicism, neither of which are very conducive with crying. Crying makes me seem weak, and they capitalize on that. I can’t help crying. I already take anti-anxiety meds to prevent daily crying like I used to, but I definitely can’t control the tears as soon as I am provoked in a conflict. I also feel guilt in a way that the people I am speaking of don’t as well. Which makes me back down. I am fighting to regain my voice. As I continue to gather more evidence so that I have a firm case to argue when I do finally find that voice again. So that I finally feel confident when I speak of what plagues me. Every day, I fight to rekindle that fire inside of me. I wanna see me be brave again.