After watching the movie “Gifted” today, and sobbing uncontrollably during one scene, a certain truth smacked me in the face. The scene was one where the little girl was upset when they found her biological father and he testified in Court as to who he wanted to have custody of her, yet he had never seen his daughter. And still didn’t ask to see her. At seven years old this hurt her very much that he wanted no part of her. Her Uncle, who had custody of her at that point, took her to the hospital to see a family patiently waiting for the news that a baby had been born. It wasn’t even a family they knew. But he took her there so she could see the joy on everyone’s face, and the joy on the father’s face when he walked out of the delivery room to tell everyone in the waiting room that his son had arrived. When that happened, her Uncle told her that he was the one in the delivery room with her mom and that he was the one who delivered that news and that it was the happiest day of his life. And that made her feel better, to know that a father like figure had rejoiced that she came in to the world, and was still there with her.
This scene was very hard for me. As an Adoptee, this is a silent truth I knew subconsciously, but had never processed it in this way until today. The day I was born, no one rejoiced. No one was filled with joy, only sadness (my birthmom), contempt (my birth grandfather wasn’t happy-he would have had me aborted), and other negative emotions. No one was happy that I came in to this world on my birthday.
No wonder I feel like a burden to everyone. No wonder I second guess my worthiness. No wonder I have a hard time seeing the light through the negativity of the darkness of the world I was born in to. No wonder I have a hard time feeling joy, when no Joy was felt for my arrival on earth. No wonder my birthday has always been a time of conflict for me. No wonder….