Humanity Switch

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Knurd (drunk spelled backwards) is “the opposite of being drunk. It’s as sober as you can ever be. It strips away all the illusion, all the comforting pink fog in which people normally spend their lives, and lets them see and think clearly for the first time ever. Then, after they’ve screamed a bit, they make sure they never get knurd again” – Terry Pratchett

The problem with me is that, I have never spent my life in that pink fog. The only pink fog I have lived through are the rose colored glasses that I once saw the world through due to living in what I thought was a sheltered bubble. My parents sheltered me from the real world, while exposing me to so much other inner torture that many others don’t have to experience. And I live with that inner torture without the pink fog….totally “knurd”. I have never turned to drugs, nicotine or alcohol. I have lived my tortured life completely sober. The worst vice I have is food/sweets. A little bit of a spending/shopping issue. But nothing outlandish. The pain is becoming far too much to bear. I wish I could shut down, shut it off like a humanity Switch. I am an extremely sensitive person and I get hurt every step of the way. One would think I would be immune to hurt by now, but I’m not. I have begun to shut out the world. The less human relationships I have, the less I have to deal with. I wish I could live on a deserted island. Being a sensitive, feeling human being sucks. No one understands me. I have drifted further and further away from understanding and wanting to be a part of the human connection. It’s just not worth it anymore. The hurt outweighs the good for me. I wish I could find my way back, but I fear I have seen too much…

 

 

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Author: Alice Funk Farie

Adoptee, Mom of a child with Aspergers Autism, Complex-PTSD from childhood trauma, Daughter of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Dependant Personality Disorder, Empath, Indigo Child, Musician, Wife, Martial Artist, Artist, Survivor

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