Percolate

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There are two major concepts I have been percolating on for quite a while. Both of them I have had recent close encounters with once again to bring them to the forefront of my mind. They are a bit unrelated, yet at the same time somewhat fall under a similar omnipotent category.

The first relates directly to the meme. This concept is one that has been a very popular mantra that many of the more positive and goal oriented, success driven people seem to live by. I have heard variations of this quote repeated ad museum in the past few years. In many ways, this has applied to my life and I can understand it’s poignancy. But when it comes to matters of finances, I just don’t know what else I can change and what other lessons I need to learn before I can finally have the world or a Higher Power, whichever way you choose to think about it, give me a break and not keep beating me over the head. So many people get away with so many things in this world that are things that come back and haunt me at the most inopportune moments, read:just when I think I might be starting to get a handle on things I get kicked in teeth and blindsided by some other transgression from my past. I have made so many changes recently to how I handle finances and somehow I feel like I cant breathe even more today than ever. I have admitted and recognize how I sabotage myself financially and in my decisions relating to finances because of my relationship to money which is directly related to how I view my Dad’s greedy heart and my desire to never turn in to that. I have been pulling away from the financial grips off my parents so that they can no longer control me psychologically. Even though that directly affects me from the financial standpoint negatively because it means I can’t turn to them to bail me out of tough situations, I would think that one of my lessons would be that I needed to take responsibility for myself and that I would be “rewarded” for my efforts to turn my life around and not be dependant on them to bail me out. I have made a point of sending out invoices consistently when my students miss a payment, something that I would think would be a lesson I’m supposed to learn, to not let everyone walk all over my kindness by letting payments go week after week to the point that I’m sure many have been missed over time due to my poor record keeping. And how am I rewarded for my diligence this year? By more students forgetting payment than ever before, forcing me to have to send more invoices (which makes me uncomfortable to begin with) and also delays me getting paid regularly and keeps me scraping worse than ever to come up with money to pay my bills. I have finally been rewarded by getting the job that I thought I sabotaged myself over (that I posted about at the beginning of my blog site) so I will start to get a better supplemental income in that can hopefully start to turn some things around. But I am so tired of feeling like the universe is working against me all the time. Just today, the 2 students I was supposed to get money from during the daytime teaching, one forgot the check (she is usually pretty good about it and will probably leave it for me tomorrow at least) and the other one had an assembly at school I didn’t know about and I couldn’t teach her lesson, so I don’t get paid for that one unexpectedly. There has been more of that sort of thing taking place lately as well. Students cancelling or assemblies that cause me not to be able to teach. I have stopped buying random things on eBay that I used to do, I have cut back significantly on my eating all the way around (from the fast food, to eating the $1 packets of knorr pasta sides for dinners to cutting back on goodies/deserts etc…), I stopped myself from my horrendous 6month addiction to Yahtzee with friends that put us in the hole financially and did that cold turkey back in May, I have cut back on the things I spend on for my daughter as extra things she doesn’t need and tell her no more often (something she needs to hear anyway)….I never go out, I haven’t cut my hair in a year and a half, I mean, seriously. What the hell more can I do???? Why do I have to keep getting slapped in the face? All I feel like I do is pay my damn bills and have an anxiety attack for 10 more days wondering if I will overdraft before my husband’s next big paycheck comes in, whether my day to day income will carry us through the other weekly/daily expenses. I wonder if there ever is a light at the end of the tunnel or whether it’s only a mirage, a reflection of someone else’s bright shining star. I’m so exhausted. What else is there for me to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’ve sacrificed everything I can and I got another job to bring in more income. I’m so sick of life continuing to kick me while I’m down and never allowing me to work my way back up. I feel hopeless. The world doesn’t want me to succeed or find financial peace.

The next concept on which I percolate is the conspiracy theory that there is no privacy in this world. That big brother is always watching. That somehow I am the main character in a reality show like the movie “Truman Show”. I have always believed that I have psychic abilities and that I can intuitively send and receive messages to people as an empath. I have proven my abilities time and again. But some of the occurrences that have happened in 2016 alone are just too uncanny to be mere coincidence. One of them felt as though I was being spied on through my phone somehow. I was talking with a student in my small studio at the school I teach at. I talked about the song “I love you, a bushel and a peck.” I had never typed those words in to any computer or electronic device ever from anywhere. I don’t keep the location turned on in my phone. My phone was inside my purse so it couldn’t have randomly turned on the video camera or microphone I wouldn’t think. Yet later that same exact day, I received Etsy notifications (even though I had all notifications from the Etsy app set to be blocked) that showed suggestions for about 20 different products that all contained the phrase “I love you a bushel and a peck”. I usually take synchronicities in life to mean that I am in the right place in my life and where I need to be, but that was just too weird and felt like I was being spied on. Then, the last post I tried to write on here was when the word of the day was “relish”. It was about literal relish, a red pepper relish that my dad bought in the past for me because we can’t find it anywhere near us. We haven’t had it in a few years now since we finished the only batch he gave us. Somehow, even though I typed the whole thing, it never ended up posting. My Dad and I (ya know, the one I’ve ranted about who is Narcissistic, who I don’t have a very keen relationship with and with whom I certainly don’t have a psychic connection of any sort) were talking the other day and he told me he was having a box shipped to my house that’s a Christmas present that we can open on Christmas. Well, it came the other day. It says it right on the label, “The Red Relish Company”. My blog post never even posted, so it’s not like he ever even read it (not that he could have anyway, because I’ve kept this blog a secret from everyone I personally know anyway). Again, how highly random. It’s far too uncanny to just be a plain ole coincidence. I swear my life is being aired on a television set that the whole world title watching. It would make a lot of elements of my life make more sense to me. Something more to percolate on.

 

via Daily Prompt: Percolate

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Author: Alice Funk Farie

Adoptee, Mom of a child with Aspergers Autism, Complex-PTSD from childhood trauma, Daughter of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Dependant Personality Disorder, Empath, Indigo Child, Musician, Wife, Martial Artist, Artist, Survivor

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