Transformation: An Early Mourn Epiphany

img-thing

 

This morning on my way to my second interview for another job (as a self employed sub-contractor music teacher, I need several teaching jobs to make a living) that would be life changing, I heard a song come on my playlist that I had never really paid attention to the lyrics before. Or perhaps some higher power just whispered through me to tune in and connected the dots to what I am currently going through. But the lyrics to this particular song brought me to an awakening, an epiphany, an Oprah a-ha moment. It was as if I had been standing too close to a pointillistic painting all the while and I had finally stepped back and all of the dots coalesced into the full picture.

“Of These Chains”
By: Red

So here we are at the end now.

I need to leave but I only want to stay with you.

I never asked to be the one to set me free,

Another mask you wore that only I could see.

Let me take you when I go,
When I go.
I don’t want to do this on my own
On my own,
I’m breaking free, but of these chains,
Oh, let this one remain,
Let me take you when I go.

I can still feel you here now in this cage.
Every link,
Another piece of you I saved,
Afraid to open up the door to,
Who I was before,
And if I let go of these chains now,
Will I float away? Can I just hold on?

Oh, let me take you when I go,
When I go.
I don’t want to do this on my own,
On my own.
I’m breaking free, but of these chains,
Oh, let this one remain.
Let me take you when I go.

The depression I’ve been dwelling in for the past year, mainly surrounding the transformation of my relationship with my parents, has left me in defense mode. I have had to prove my adulthood to them and force them to start treating me like an adult rather than a child like they always have. With the inception of my new role, it forces me to break free of the child character I have always played for their benefit. I think I have been afraid of losing my inner child as well.
During the same time frame of my depression and changing roles with my parents, my daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers. With her Aspergers, I am unfortunately not able to joke around with her very much. She doesn’t understand my style of joking, she gets embarassed and offended easily and when we are on the same page, she takes things too far. So I have to stifle my inner child with her.
I have always worn fun colorful and sometimes character clothing. I get in to things like collecting the Disney Infinity Game Characters, I love kid like stuff. It is like I am a big kid. Probably because I had to give up a part of being an innocent child when I had to protect my parents feelings instead of being the one who was protected. I had to experience emotions and situations that should have not been shared as openly with me as they were. My parents fought all the time in front of me. Very explosively to the point that I wished they would get divorced from the time I was 7. They had no consideration for the effect it was having on me. So I’ve held on to my inner child for dear life.
Many of my peers don’t deal well when my voice gets the childlike passion and raises in volume when I get excited. I always feel judged by what I wear, though that might just be my insecurities. The place I feel I can be myself the most and that I feel the most successful and the most myself is when I’m teaching. I can joke around the way I joke and my students get my humor and think I’m funny. My students like my spunk and think I’m relatable. And that doesn’t mean I am immature just because I can relate better to teenagers. I think they love having someone who is a mentor to them and can give adult like advice like a mom, but do it in a fun manner more like a friend. I am a perfect liaison who can get through to them when they drown out the voices of reason of their mom and dad because that’s what teenagers do. They accept my inner child because it’s fun and funny to them and makes them feel at ease with me.
The “you” in the song is my inner child as I break free and transform from the chains and shackles of being treated and disrespected like an inferior child by my narcissistic and flying monkey parents. I need to find my balance. I am scared of losing my inner child, especially since I feel my inner child isn’t accepted by so many already. There are two sides to my childlike self. I want to keep one with me while I part and transform away from the other…

via Daily Prompt: Transformation

Advertisements

Author: Alice Funk Farie

Adoptee, Mom of a child with Aspergers Autism, Complex-PTSD from childhood trauma, Daughter of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Dependant Personality Disorder, Empath, Indigo Child, Musician, Wife, Martial Artist, Artist, Survivor

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s