Millions of People; One Mankind
The first time I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, I was a junior in High School. I scored as an ENFJ. For anyone not familiar with this test, each of the 4 letters has an opposing letter as well that categorizes your personality type. ENFJ stands for Extravert Intuitive Feeling Judgment. I am a very honest person, so I know that I answered the questions very truthfully. I also am very in tune with myself, so I know that my answers were quite thoughtful. So I agree with this representation of my personality during my high school years.
I have taken the test two more times since then. Once about 10 years ago when I scored INFP and about 2 years ago when I scored INF J. The I that changed stands for Introvert as you probably guessed, and the P at the end of the one stands for Perceiving. So what does this mean? That I am a sell out and someone who changes with the wind? That I am easily influenced by others? Quite the contrary. I believe it is because I am constantly developing. I work on myself from a psychological perspective daily. So even though the P and F keep flip flopping, one major thing that has changed since my youth is that I have gone from being an Extravert to being and Introvert. This is a major Archetypal change in my overall being.
The older I get, the less it seems that I can relate to the millions of people out there in the world that I have access to on a regular basis. I used to try so hard to fit in, thinking there was something drastically wrong with me. I have done so much work on myself, figured out the reasons for my “issues”, fixed many things, and come to terms with my quirks. But it seems like the more I interact with the millions, the masses, the less tolerance I have. I know a lot of people have said that this is a trait of getting older to a degree. But not to the extreme that I am experiencing it.
I used to enjoy socializing. I fed off of it. The more the merrier. I would actually get upset if only 4 showed up for karaoke instead of the usual 30 that we had there every week. I still enjoy some social gatherings at times, but I definitely cannot stand crowds. And the more complex and deeper the relationship, the harder it is and more likely it is for a conflict to ensue, the more likely I am to start pulling away. I detest co conflict. I have spent my entire life in conflict it seems. The benefits of less human interaction seem to far outweigh the downsides of the conflict that goes along with it.
Perhaps I am starting to take after my birthdad who has become a hermit in his old age. My husband has become more reclusive as he’s become older as well. Different personalities are just becoming too difficult and exhausting for an empath like me to navigate on a regular basis. It is draining to my soul. I get more fulfillment from something like this, a blog site, where I can read others personalized posts, interact with mankind on a personal level, but not have to take on all of the continuing obligations that forged relationships require. Not because I don’t want to put time and effort in to relationships, but I get tired of being judged and told exactly how I should run my life by people who don’t live in my shoes. I always feel like I am letting people down because I don’t keep in contact enough. I hate feeling like a failure or that I’m disappointing those I care about. It wears on my psyche. When I can interact with the millions behind a screen, I don’t have this issue. There can be interspersed encounters that are fleeting and everyone is invigorated by it with no extra anxiety as to expectations required of them. Sure, there is always the internet etiquette. But with strangers, people don’t ruminate as much if something goes awry.
And so, thank you to all of those who are reading my blog and providing me with my socialization and human interaction with the millions.