“Is it that people live in the past, or that the past lives in people?”
This is a quote I heard today on XM radio from one of the DJs. I didn’t catch who penned it. I am sure he was simply restating it as he was delivering quotes at every interlude. I am currently trying everything I can to quiet my toxic past. I am tired of ruining my life and operating the controls of the cockpit inside my brain. Unfortunately, I am having to go through a darker period right now in order to get a full grasp of exactly how much of my life the past has a hold of. I am going through the transparency of awareness. It is as if I can see the inner workings of my brain from a third person point of view. It is difficult right now for the few people I have left that are close to me to be going through this with me. While I have expressed anger before, it has never been in such an obsessive manner. It has never been in such an over-analytical way and it has never caused such deep depression. It seems like I am a burden to some and they just want me to get over it already and they don’t agree with my point of view. I feel very alone right now. Even those that do support me, to some degree all have some sort of doubt in one area or another. And I know everyone would think, then it must be me. But it is shown in the research that victims of narcissists are made out to feel like this. No one else other than those who have lived it first hand can know. The survivors are always invalidated by others and made to feel insane and the narcissists are so cunning at their craft that they can convince and manipulate everyone in to thinking that it is their victim who is the crazy one. And here I am, STILL feeling like the crazy one. Even to those who admit what insidious creatures they can be still think I am over reacting or reading things wrong. There is a fine line between madness and genius. I walk that line. I am so exhausted from people pushing me to the dark side of that line and seeing me in the shadows of that line. Everyone who knows me well knows that I take everything people say to heart and that I change all the time based on things people say to me and the faults they find in me. I am constantly over analyzing myself and often agree with everyone else’s assessment of my shortcomings and I try to make adjustments. So why is it that in this one area of my life where I need people’s support and validation more than anywhere else, people have to constantly try to negate me and challenge me? I support EVERYONE. When my friends and family vent to me about others, I back them up. Yet right now when I need to feel like I have people who believe in me and believe me, I feel so alone and I feel like everyone thinks its their job to play constant devils advocate with me. Boy would those same people get irate if I were to constantly play that role in their life. If I were to nitpick and take the other persons side every time they had a scuffle or were angry with someone. I finally started using my voice, found it again after feeling stifled for so many years I lost count, and now that I am finally feeling comfortable in doing so, I am still being told I’m wrong by the whole world and that I missed the mark…If everyone’s intention is to cage me back up, it’s not going to happen. I will just be a little more careful from now on and I will make sure I have all my bases covered before confiding in anyone. I will make sure I have my proof first before letting the hypothesis out of my head. So I guess in a way I will be crawling back inside my cage, but don’t mistake my silence for permanent passiveness. I am just going to be more powerful when I break free each time because I will have all my ducks in a row each and every time. I know why a caged Bird sings, as Maya Angelou says….