Sabotaged by the need for truth 10/20/16

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“And the truth shall set you free”…

Back to Biblical times, this quote is found in a Bible passage and is an adage spoken time and again. I have been honesty’s number one fan for quite some time. My life was born in lies and shrouded in secrecy since my conception. My need to fight against that is so ingrained as a survival skill that it has begun to sabotage me.

I had an epiphany the other day. Certain facts I had already known about myself. I am a truth seeker and truth speaker. I despise greediness. I cringe at hypocrisy. But something came together for me and I could see it in my mind’s eye, like the pieces of a puzzle coming together or a math equation being solved mid-air like in “A Beautiful Mind”. My dire need to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God, is getting me in major trouble. It is causing me the proverbial diarrhea of the mouth out of fear of being a hypocrite. It has become an offspring of an OCD branch of my multitude of issues gained from my genetics and childhood of being adopted and then subsequently raised by parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Or, at least one of them definitely has it, the other one is his flying monkey and mimics his behavior at times because she is his puppet, along with her own string of psychological issues).

The recent situation that brought this to light for me was a recent position that I applied for. It is a music instructor position in a highly religious school. This job would really help us out financially, something we are in desperate need of. I want so badly to help out our family and feel more useful without having to sacrifice the time with my daughter or my general sanity in departing from my desired career path (one I’ve been very happy with the last few years but that I’m not making as much money in as I can due to the time constraints of being the mother of a 9 year old). This new position would have been a good compromise, though not exactly what I enjoy the most, something I could handle while making more money within a time frame that doesn’t sacrifice family time.

In the initial interview they asked me about my background in faith since they are a devout Christian school, so I gave them the resume type facts without going in to my actual personal feelings about religion, because I differ very much from their perception. I made it through that interview fine. After emailing again and proposing a sample letter, they asked for my “thoughts” on whether I felt comfortable with their Statement of Faith. And that’s where it went to hell in a hand basket. They asked me about my opinion. For my truth. I don’t like being a hypocrite. I still even faked it quite a bit and didn’t really go in to my full beliefs, but I went in to a full dissertation via email about how I felt that their one statement of how they believe that salvation if based solely on the grace of God and faith alone was missing the component of good works and leading a life of good example. I stated that due to my own personal life experiences (because I’ve met far too many people that claim themselves to be Christians that are bad people in my eyes-but I didn’t say that part) and the fact that I am Catholic and not just “Christian” that my ideas might differ slightly but that I am comfortable enough with their statement to teach the children exactly what they prescribe. I haven’t heard from them since. My desperate need to speak my full truth and not be a hypocrite may have cost me this job and this opportunity to help my family get out of financial crisis.

Conversely, I have tried to be more dogged in my paperwork and invoicing when students don’t pay me the day of their lesson rather than letting it slide a week or two and just letting them catch up, which has probably turned in to me not keeping track and getting slighted several payments by several students in years past. I have always felt uncomfortable treating my business like a business, but as this meme says, in order to get ahead and to help my family get in better shape financially, this is what I’m supposed to be doing right? Following up and going after what is rightfully mine like any other company would? So how come I am being punished as soon as I get up the nerve to do this? This year, more than any other year past, more students have been forgetting their payments each week, writing the checks out wrong, etc…I am having to wait on payments constantly this year. Even when I tried to reschedule students because they had to miss a day of lessons due to school scheduling, one student who was able to switch days magically had an orthodontic issue immediately after emailing me that she could have a lesson and then had to cancel, thus resulting in me not being able to net that money due to some fluke accident as soon as I try to advocate for myself to get ahead. Every book and guru says the world doesn’t conspire against you and you make your own destiny by constantly having a defeatist attitude. But I don’t know what more I can do. These situations constantly occur in my life no matter how hard I try. I have been trying to find a happy medium between the two “types” described in this meme and can’t seem to make either one work.

If anyone has the answer, please let me know…because luck has never been on my side, and trying to make my own luck doesn’t seem to be working either. I am working on not sabotaging myself anymore though, at least I know what I’m doing wrong on that front. Just breaking that habit is going to be hard.

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